Look freek, next time Orson lays that “Baby, I’m so sorry. Baby, I’m a changed man. I mean it this time” rap on you, tell him you’re gone for good and you won’t see him anymore. Who are we kidding? We would be a fool for him too– if he would have us, sigh…

Peyton: “I keep mine in a crystal case when I go to bed.”

Eli: “I keep mine on my finger, even during practice.”

Archie: “I keep mine in a dark place, and she never sleeps.”

(Peyton & Eli’s cell phones ring…)

[Eli wins the Super Bowl]

YEAH THAT’S RIGHT, I WON A FRIGGIN SUPER BOWL! I’M GONNA STAY UP SOOOOO LATE TONIGHT, YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW! MOM’S GONNA MAKE HOT CHOCOLATE FOR ME AND MOISHE, BUT NO MINI MARSHMALLOWS, THAT’S KIDS STUFF. IT’S ALL BIG BOY MARSHMALLOWS FROM NOW ON! HEY MOM, I’M RENTING SUPER MARIO GALAXY AND ROCK BAND FOR WII. YOU CAN PLAY THE DRUMS, BUT THIS TIME I’M MAKING THE TOSTINOS PIZZA ROLLS!

[Eli Is handed the MVP award]

HEY, I WON THE MOTHER FLIPPIN MVP TOO? HOLY COW MAN, COOPER’S GONNA BE CRAZY JEALOUS. I’M TOTALLY BRINGING THIS TROPHY IN FOR SHOW-AND-TELL.

[Eli is handed car keys]

NO.FREAKING.WAY. I GET A CAR TOO?! HEY MOM, WE HAVE TO GO GET MY LEARNER’S PERMIT TOMORROW. THEN THE WORLD IS MY OYSTER. AS LONG AS YOU’RE IN THE CAR I CAN DRIVE ANYWHERE! NEXT WEEKEND WE CAN GO TO THE ANTIQUE AUCTION IN BELLE MEAD!

[Eli is handed tickets to Hawaii]

WHAT, THEY HAVE A PRO BOWL NOW? THIS YEAR KEEPS GETTING BETTER AND BETTER!

[Eli is put in front of television camera]

HECK NO, I’M NOT GOING TO DISNEY WORLD, THAT’S FOR BABIES. I’M GOING TO EPCOT!

/sips from sippy cup

Intrepid readers Jay and Andrew have both emailed us with a timely re-design of an old classic…

Eli is going to wear that to school every day for a week!