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Fun With NFL Mixology

Unsilent Majority — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 14:41:02 +0000

LaDainian Tomlinson’s Green Goddess starts with Macallan scotch that’s been aged as long as he’s been in the league. Combine that with some melon liqueur and plenty of Sprite to complete the green hue and watered down effect.

Yesterday I received a chat message from the great Spencer Hall, who wanted to share with me a magical cocktail of his own creation. He it calls it The Jamarcus Hustle.

Take a 32 oz Big Gulp cup, fill with crushed ice, and add the following:

• 5 parts vodka
• 3 parts banana liqueur
• Top with whole heavy cream
• Garnish with entire Cinnabon on rim of cup.

Cost: $34 million a glass

It’s both delicious and practical. This got us thinking about other NFL inspired cocktails which you can find after the jump.

Shawne Merriman’s Tequila Sunrise

• 2/3 oz. Schnapps, peach
• 1 1/3 oz. Vodka
• 1 1/3 oz. Cranberry Juice
• 1 1/3 oz. Orange Juice
• 100 mg GHB

Combine ingredients in a cocktail shaker with ice. Serve and block doorway to nearest exit.

Jimmy Clausen’s Jimmy Juice

Fill a collins halfway with ice then add…

• 4 oz. Jägermeister
• 4 oz. Red Bull
• Mist of Axe Body Spray

Spike hair, pop collar, then consume and repeat.

Tony Gonzalez’s Macrobiotic Liquid Diet

• 4 oz. Trader Joe’s Green Plant Juice
• Splash of Green Tea
• 2 oz. organic vodka
• 2 oz. unfiltered Amazon rain water

Serve in lettuce wrap glass

Eli Manning – Mother’s Milk

• 1 oz. Butterscotch Schnapps
• 1 oz. Goldschlager
• 1 oz. Olivia Manning’s Breast Milk

Shake all ingredients with ice and strain into a sippy cup.

Peyton Manhattan

• 3/4 oz sweet vermouth
• 2 1/2 oz bourbon whiskey
• 1 dash Angostura® bitters
• 1 maraschino cherry
• 1 twist orange peel

Mix ingredients expertly. Choke on final sip.

Kurt Warner’s Salvation

• 2 oz communion wine
• 1 oz holy water

Stir. Say prayer and give drink to thirsty person.

Rex Ryan’s Slimonade

• 2 oz clarified butter
• 1 tablespoon of crumbs from the bottom of a bucket of chicken
• 4 oz gin
• 8 oz of lemonade

Mix all ingredients and serve in a pint glass.

Add your own in the comment section if you’re so inclined.

The New York Times Peter King-Themed Crossword Puzzle Commemorative Peter King-Themed Crossword Puzzle

Captain Caveman — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 13:30:16 +0000

Over the weekend, we were flooded with emails, texts, telegrams, and letters sent via Pony Express that made us aware of Sunday’s New York Times crossword puzzle, which was built around Peter King’s request in his column — the one that is occasionally about football — that he be in a New York Times crossword puzzle. Sigh.

As it just so happens, your weekly King eviscerator Drew Magary is unavailable today, so this PK-themed crossword puzzle will have to satisfy you until Drew’s MMQB breakdown drops tomorrow. We’ll post the answers in a few hours.

ACROSS

3. Most humane train
5. You should respect it
10. Land baron
12. Johnny Damon lookalike
13. Criminally melted candy
16. Extraneous urban asset
17. The perfect save
18. Alarming new fashion trend
19. Disturbing trend on I-95

DOWN

1. No room at the Inn?
2. Led NFL in smiles during 2008 season
4. Unknowable science
6. Crime committed by film companies
7. Favre?
8. Chain restaurant with coffee-flavored water
9. Ohio home of Toone P. Wiggins
11. Two wonderful?
14. Moniker for SI scribe Banks
15. Pre-ferred prefix
16. Car part, defined

p.s. Fuck you, Will Shortz.

Good Friday + Sexy Friday = Good and Sexy

Captain Caveman — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 19:09:12 +0000

**clears throat** Ready? Okay, let’s do this:

Easter? I hardly know her.

The Easter boner came early this year.

This reminds me of Bambi, because I’d like to Thumper.

Guess what also rose on Easter?

Looks like she’s smuggling some Easter hams.

I’d venture down her rabbit hole.

I’ve got something that can find her hidden eggs.

Her alfalfa patch appears to be free of hares.

Call Animal Control… there’s a rabbit bitch on the loose.

And. We’re. Spent. Have a good holiday. Check back Monday for an appearance from one (or more) of the site’s most beloved KSKharacters.

(Check out the full gallery of women dressed as bunnies over at Gunaxin.)

Everything’s Crappier in Three Dimensions

Unsilent Majority — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 20:15:33 +0000

You have probably heard that this week the NFL will take their next step three dimensional experimentation when they screen the Oakland-San Diego game in a special theater for select broadcasting partners and various tech nerds. Of course this has left many NFL fans who harbor memories of strapping on cheap cardboard “glasses” to catch a glimpse of Kelly Bundy’s sweet sweet tits to ask why the fuck anyone would want their football in 3D. Here at KSK we embrace the forward-thinking automatons in the NFL marketing office and we’ve come up with a list of undeniable advantages to watching the magic in three dimensions.

Laserface IN YOUR FACE!

Marmalard’s balls will float through the theater like the Red Balloon.

Shawne Merriman can eye-rape spectators from the sidelines.

LaDainian’s sullen expressions will be so much more textured.

see Norv Turner’s facial craters in THREE crystal clear dimensions!

Al Davis doesn’t show up in 3D… or am I thinking of mirrors?

Even in a 3D theater, you have to squint to see Darren Sproles.

3D glasses only slightly less gay than LT’s visor

Raiders in 3D: Still better than Captain EO!

Slightly more playoff implications than Spy Kids in 3D!

Raiders in 3D: denial, desperation, dementia.

And now, some photos of what you can expect if you’re lucky enough to be in the special audience…

The Good

The Bad

The Ugly

KSK Exklusive: Player Costumes Revealed!

Christmas Ape — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 14:49:15 +0000

After the Roy Williams surprise at the Lions’ Halloween party earlier in the week, we didn’t want to be caught on the hop about what other players were doing. Rather wait and be surprised by what characters they showed up as, we sought out trusted informants to ruin for the fun for everybody.

Mike Singletary: Charles Haley
Tony Romo: Pinky
Jessica Simpson: The Brain
Hines Ward: Kung Fu Panda
Terrell Suggs: Boba Fett
Ed Hochuli: Sarah Palin
Jim Zorn: Ned Flanders
Brett and Deanna Favre: Julius and Ethel Rosenberg
Jason Elam: A crime-fighting linebacker with Jesus in his heart
Chad Ochocinco: Chad Johnson (the one who used to be a good football player)
Mike Holmgren: blackface Romeo Crennel
Romeo Crennel: A boulder
Kellen Winslow: Tanaka from Major League II

Chris Mortensen: Jay Glazer
Peyton Manning: Frankenstein’s creature
Eli Manning: Homemade Transformers costume
Sage Rosenfels: Ryu

J.T. O’Sullivan: NO GODDAMN BRITISH POUF THAT’S FOR SURE!
Vince Young: Kurt Cobain
Jay Cutler: Butters
Jason Witten: The Operation guy
Matt Ryan: Slutty nurse
Chad Pennington: Raggedy Andy
Laveranues Coles: Raggedy Ann
Philip Rivers: The Joker

Bernard Pollard: Lawrence Taylor
LenDale White: Grimace
LaDainian Tomlinson: Bunny Lebowski

If you’ve heard more, let us know in the comments.

Emmitt pic from PCB