The Bears and Packers have played each other more times than any other two teams in NFL history, yet Sunday will be only the second time ever that the two have met in the postseason. Because most Americans have no concept of history uncovered by VH1 nostalgia shows, we felt it necessary to recap some of the more notable moments that have happened over the course of the rivalry. At least it’s more entertaining than the rivalry’s Wikipedia page. Unless it’s been hacked in hilarious fashion, in which case, no chance.

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The Packers were the most talented NFC team coming into the season. And they’ll probably destroy whoever emerges from tomorrow’s Seattle/Chicago runner-up fest. But let’s give a hand to Atlanta for being so kind as to be the team that occupied the top seed in Green Bay’s stead until being summarily dispatched by the Pack. Good times. We had fun getting to know your unremarkable team these past few months.

And while it will be endlessly funny to see Matt Ryan remain winless in the postseason, it’s a tad poignant that Gonzo has never tasted playoff victory even still in the final flushes of his exemplary career. It’s enough to make a vegan backslide into misery eating. Might I suggest a Matty Melt?

The meat is low grade but the cheese is so braying and obnoxious that you’ll never notice.

In other news, Blank is blank. More flattering light fixtures might take the harsh off your face, Mr. Home Depot Man.

For as much bad blood is flowing in the AFC divisional match-ups, there’s frighteningly little animosity going on in the other conference. Green Bay visited Atlanta earlier this season and got screwed by the lack of review that could have overturned what might have been a decisive play in the game, but there appears to be little bitterness on their part going into the rematch.

Aaron Rodgers got his first playoff win last week in Philly and was greatly aided by James Starks making it seem for a week like the Packers had a viable running game. Meanwhile, Matt Ryan is seeking his first postseason victory. His first postseason appearance ended quickly in 2008 when the Falcons were the first victims of the Buzzsaw Super Bowl charge. No doubt someone who goes by Matty Ice will only be further humbled by gaining success on the big stage.

Eagles and the Packers in the playoffs should evoke memories of the 4th and 26 conversion the Eagles pulled off en route to losing yet another NFC title game. If nothing else, it gave ESPN cause to dredge up the festering corpse of Freddie Mitchell. Fred-Ex had quite the recollection of the play. One might say incredibly delusional. Another might say hilariously self-absorbed. I’ll say DERPtarded.

You know that play is a love-hate play for me because that was the first time they threw to me the whole friggin’ game. I was blocking my ass off doing everything it took, doing the stuff that society doesn’t recognize.

A block that dare not speak its name.

That whole year sucked for me, and the next year sucked even more. But anyway…

Back to my flash in the pan…

I actually had to go tell the coaches that I was wide open and to throw me the ball. The coaches literally had to talk into Donovan’s headset and tell him I was wide open and to throw it to me.

Donovan looked at me in the huddle and said, “Ready?” And I said, “Dude, I’ve been ready the whole game.”

“Dude, I was born ready to tell you I was ready.”

I started reading the defense as soon as I got to the line of scrimmage. For most guys, it takes a lot of years to read defenses like that.

The name of the play was a 2 Jet Double Go. What it does is sends Pinkston and Thrash on “Go” routes and what I do, as the Sultan of Slot, is I read the middle. I had to take a certain angle that most young receivers wouldn’t have taken. Any other angle and it would have been a bum play. I was the master of finding holes, and I knew right where the hole would be. It was money.

Rookies would never be able to cram as many douchebag cliches into a single paragraph. Fred-Ex got at least a half dozen in there.

First of all Donovan’s pass was behind me and it was wobbly, but I had to take advantage of the opportunity that was presented to me. Right when I caught the pill, I kind of knew I had the yardage right away. I looked at the sticks and to see where I was at and I knew I got it. I felt like Michael Jordan hitting a last-second shot or Tiger Woods sinking a 50-foot putt.

Then I had to pull out the belt…

“And drop my pants so I could shit the bed on the rest of my career.”

Only you have the power to stop the lockout!

Hate restores us. Hate focuses us. Hate keeps us warm at night and spoons us if we so desire it. And no time is hate more powerful – more necessary – than the postseason, when those we despise are so close to getting what they want. I don’t get what I want, so f*ck those guys. There are countless reasons to hate anyone. Some of which you might not be aware. Or been made to realize that they are worthy of scorn. Well, you came to the right place. Allow us to guide you to the darkest recesses of the soul, where the streets run dark green with bile and everyone knows your embarrassing nickname.

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Well, the Patriots are going to win this game by at least a dozen touchdowns. Not that that’s out of the way – let’s focus on Danny Woodhead boasting the highest-selling shirt among all Patriots players. On one hand, yes, Woodhead is relatively new to the team, so that novelty is going to spike sales on its own. If you wanted a Tom Brady shirt, you’ve had roughly about a decade to get one.

On the other, more clearly racist, hand: Woodhead is a goddamn back-up running back, serving the same role that Kevin Faulk has FOR YEARS. And doing about as good a job at it as Kevin Faulk has, again, FOR YEARS. So the fact that there’s such a rush to buy merch for such a minor contributor cannot be the result of anything else but a love for less gangly versions of Shaggy.

For the sake of full disclosure I should admit that I’ll be spending Christmas with my girlfriend’s family in Stoughton, MA, which is apparently only minutes away from Foxborough. We’ll take turns bludgeoning daahkies and not denying the veracity of what the other has said. Should be magical.

[Video via Shutdown Corner]

A cheese cowboy hat? Christ, I can’t sincerely root for you assholes even against Brett Favre. While last week I said that I would prefer the Vikings to hang in contention long enough for them to truly disappoint the long-time sucker fans like Drew, who year after year wait enough time for the Vikes to crush their futile hopes for success.

No longer. Even if seeing the over-hyped Packers crushed underneath the weight of incredible and unreasonable expectation, the Vikings are too annoying to be allowed to continue playing in prime time games. So for the sake of all Sunday and Monday night games, let’s have the Vikings buried well before the flex game portion of season begins.

Granted, the Vikes only have one game on either Sunday or Monday night the rest of the season, but that’s one too many. STOP THE GUNSLINGING FOR A NATIONAL AUDIENCE! STOP IT NOW!

Remember Week 1 last year when the Bears and Packers played in primetime and Jay Cutler, weighed down by the expectations of being supposedly the first halfway decent Chicago quarterback in forever, threw four interceptions, and thus set the tone for an epically sulktastic season? Yeah, me neither.

But the Bears and Packers are meeting again tonight in another early season primetime game. Both teams are unbeaten, though the Bears really have to thank the league’s indefensibly retarded rules for what constitutes a reception for that. That bullshit notwithstanding, Cutlerf*cker is playing significantly better than he did in 2009, while Aaron Rodgers has continued being generally very good. Green Bay’s running game faltered last week without Ryan Grant, with alleged fantasy savior Brandon Jackson rushing for all of 19 yards against Buffalo.

Oh, and I didn’t get all the way through this clip, but I think the Packers have to win or this little girl will die of cancer. Steep odds!

Would you like to avoid dying of cancer? Learn more by checking out this week’s Designed Rush column at SB Nation.

It’s that time of year when we make bad predictions about the upcoming season and bad jokes, all in the same post. Next up: the NFC North, the ancestral home of the Land Baron bloodline.

CHICAGO BEARS

The Smirk ‘N’ Sulk Connection

Key Additions: Julius Peppers, Chester Taylor, Brandon Manumaleuna

Key Departures: Alex Brown, Nathan Vasher, Adewale Ogunleye, Kevin Jones, Orlando Pace, Gaines Adams (very far departed)

Five Fast Facts About The Bears:

- Jay Cutler is dating “The Hills’” Kristin Cavallari. This factoid represents the entirety of The Big Lead’s knowledge of the Chicago Bears.
- Lovie Smith has challenged the previous fact.
- Having been burned by Matt Forte last year, there’s almost zero chance he doesn’t run for 1,500 yards and 12 touchdowns this season. I’m already working myself into a homicidal lather just thinking about it.
- Lovie Smith has challenged the previous murderous fantasy.
- The Bears are now out of challenges.

Over/Under For 2010: 8 wins

Verdict: PUSH

I think Cutlerf*cker will improve over the interception bonanza he had in his first season in Chicago. Then again, that means probably still he’ll throw, like, 15 picks. I’m high on Devin Aromashodu to have a breakout year. Signing Julius Peppers and having Brian Urlacher back certainly helps some on defense, but they still need more improvement than that.

DETROIT LIONS

via, in case you didn’t catch the watermark

Key Additions: Ndamukong Suh, Jahvid Best, Tony Scheffler, Kyle Vanden Bosch, Nate Burleson, Rob Sims, Shaun Hill

Key Departures: Ernie Sims, Larry Foote, Daunte Culpepper, Phillip Buchanon, Grady Jackson

Five Fast Facts About The Lions:

- Jeff Backus is the direct descendant of one of Julius Caesar’s favorite peg boys.
- Stefan Logan played in the CFL, so you already know he’s not impressed by the Lions.
- Kyle Vanden Bosch was excellent on the “Sons of Anarchy” premiere.
- It’s gonna to be a sad day if the Lions ever become respectable and Dominic Raiola doesn’t want to pummel their fans.
- Brandon Pettigrew is convinced the government taxes you based on the length of your shadow.

Over/Under For 2010: 5 wins

Verdict: OVER

NOT A MISPRINT. THAT IS AN AUTHENTIC BAD PICK. Just kidding. Gonna come clean and admit that I’m one of the those suckers so besotted with these young Lions that I think they might even go 6-10. That towering achievement means, should Detroit not complete its transformation into rubble, fans will be marking anniversaries of this team in five year increments until the end of days.

GREEN BAY PACKERS

An obtuse example of misused numerology, or a frightening intimation that Aaron Rodgers is a three-headed Favre-hydra?

Key Additions: Bryan Bulaga

Key Departures: Aaron Kampman, Michael Montgomery

Five Fast Facts About The Packers:

- Brandon Underwood could teach Ben Roethlisberger a thing or two about rape technique. After all, you don’t get accused of sexually assaulting a woman in separate incidents, you get accused of sexually assaulting two women at once. THAT’S how you avoid getting punished by the league. Such an effective economy of rape.
- If the Packers do in fact win the Super Bowl as many expect them to, the only way the inevitable Cheesetardery can be even slightly mollified is if Aaron Rodgers spends the entire time on the Dr.; Robotnik Super Bowl trophy presentation pod doing his title belt celebration.

- Greg Jennings once mistook a lychee for a raspberry. BOY WAS HE EMBARRASSED!
- The Packers currently have the most players of any NFL team that were drafted by their current organization.
- Jermichael Finley is perhaps the most overhyped fantasy tight end ever. Which is precisely why I took him in two of my four leagues.

Over/Under For 2010: 9.5 wins

Verdict: OVER

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They’re gonna be good. But my hater talking points indicate Aaron Rodgers needs to stop holding the ball forever and their defense isn’t anywhere nearly as good as its ranking from last season would suggest. Pretty much any top-flight passing team is capable of carving up their secondary and there’s no way Charles Woodson duplicates the kind of year he had in ’09. Oh, and Drew claims the Packers completely misused Aaron Kampman. Apparently he’s better suited to being a sous chef.

MINNESOTA VIKINGS

I’m willing to accept Favre being canonized so long as it means he dies.

Key Additions: Greg Camarillo, Toby Gerhart, Lito Sheppard

Key Departures: Chester Taylor, Benny Sapp, Sage Rosenfels, Artis Hicks

Five Fast Facts About The Vikings:

- Brett Favre bitched on Wednesday about how the media way overplayed his indecision about returning to football. Oh, you poor COMPLETELY COMPLICIT CALCULATING little thing. How I weep gallons for you.
- Something I did not know until very recently: Bernard Berrian’s nickname is “B-twice.” Clearly not a fan of Calvin Klein’s old “Just Be” campaign.
- Ray Edwards draws his playing intensity from the fact that the Nickelodeon cartoon “The Angry Beavers” was not a bigger hit.
- Mike Florio is a fan of the Vikings. So really, it’s not all about hating Favre.
- Percy Harvin continues to struggle with persistent migraines that have dogged him throughout his football playing days. WHICH IS JUST SUCH A CONVENIENT EXCUSE FOR NOT SLEEPING WITH DREW.

Over/Under For 2010: 9.5 wins

Verdict: UNDER

The Vikings have a pretty brutal first half of the season, which isn’t particularly helpful given how vulnerable the team looks at the moment. Sidney Rice is scheduled to miss the first eight games. Brittfar’s gimpy ankle is going to prevent him from having the admittedly amazing season he had in 2009. And they’re about to play the Saints tonight with only three available corners. But at least Purple Jesus has promised that he’s done fumbling, which is nice, I guess. They have enough talent to keep even Brad Childress from condemning them to a .500 or worse record, but I see a dip to 9-7 coming.

/Drew smugly dismisses argument without offering a counter

Kurt’s going to retire! Obviously he wants to more time to shake it with the missus.

The only good thing about Dallas winning last night is that we don’t have to spend this entire game dreading that a Packers win sets up Favre Bowl III next week.