Kissing Suzy Kolber » Green Bay Packers

Can You Believe Those Kooky Dames? They Just Don’t Get It At All!

Christmas Ape — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 23:05:09 +0000

These broads! Foof! It’s like they got moths between their ears! I tells ‘em and I tells ‘em – downs equals tries; tries equals downs. That some kinda rocket surgery or something? What’s a guy gotta do to hammer it through in her thick skull!? It’s like her brain, it ain’t wired right, y’know? She just points at a play in progress and pretends everything goes all coo-coo bananas. Like all us guys are just playing a big practical joke in her. You ask me, she got dropped on her head as a kid. Thank God Steve came with all the uniform dress-up gear to give her the visuals. Now I’mma leave them in the locker room to diagram some stuff while I head back to the recliner. With a cold one, of course. You can take it from here, eh, Steve-oh?

[Everything is Terrible]

In other NFL-related miscellany:

Serena and Venus Williams are the latest entrants in the celebrity cavalcade to buy a stake in the Dolphins. By the latest count, that’s Marc Anthony, Jennifer Lopez and Gloria Estefan. Uh oh, the obscure minority celebrities are consolidating their power!

Hey, loogit, a legitimately clever shirt by a Packers fan! Wonders may never cease, though they usually only stagger in at odd hours.

Mike Tomlin made a grievous error in taking a suggestion from Jeff Reed. No, it wasn’t partying naked (yet), it was welching on a planned Steelers movie day, which sucks because James Harrison had his eye on Julie & Julia (IT’S LOYAL TO ME AND ITS SUBJECT MATTER). And lo and behold, (The) Ben ends up getting dinged up in the practice they weren’t supposed to have. It looks to be only a minor injury, but Florio won’t be denied another chance to call Roethlisberger a drama queen because he had the nerve to get his ankle rolled by a teammate.

Green Bay Should Grab Michael Vick

Monday Morning Punter — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 13:35:02 +0000

By one sports network’s count, there are exactly eight NFL teams that have not publicly declared “no interest” in signing Michael Vick, one of which happens to be the Green Bay Packers. They’re seriously considering picking up Vick, and I think such a signing would be a good move–for them.

The Packers Can Take The PR Hit.The Packers have arguably the most rabid pro sports fanbase in America, and in the smallest city to lay claim as home to such a team (we’re not counting Salt Lake City, fucking LDS freaks). The waiting list for Packers tickets is over 50,000 names deep. That’s fan devotion that could withstand a little fucking with. Besides, with the Favre saga seemingly at its end, it would be a shame to let the high bullshit tolerance of Packer Nation go unutilized.

Green Bay has no depth under center whatsoever. Packer backups Matt Flynn and Brian Brohm have one year each of experience, and no starts between them. The brass must have been sniffing some badass glue when he decided to throw Aaron Rodgers on the field for his first career start last season with literally nothing but a couple of warm bodies behind him. The obvious rub for Green Bay here is that they’ll have to dispose of one of the two quarterbacks that they drafted just 16 months ago.

Playing In Wisconsin Gets Vick Out Of The House. Getting out of Virginia, where Vick spent years playing Doggie Don King, is only gonna do that guy some good. Hanging out in the middle of nowhere, with crackers at every turn, might be the shot in the arm that the three-time Pro Bowler needs. Oh sure, all of the staring and sounds of locking car doors will get old after a while, but that’s standard integration procedure here in America. Whoops, did I just call America “integrated?” My bad.

Signing Vick Totally Fucks With Aaron Rodgers. I really should like Aaron Rodgers; he’s one of the prime reasons that Brett Favre is currently sitting on his couch instead of some other team’s future. And it was Rodgers that stayed in the green room as he continued to slide down the board during the 2005 draft, as opposed to noted man-bitch Brady Quinn who ran out with his flight attendant girlfriend just two years later. Michael Vick has the potential to unseat Rodgers, or at least gerrymander the psyche of that team in trying. As it was in the 2005 draft, that’s drama that I want to see.

Sure, it’s not a perfect scenario: Vick would never get a true chance to compete for the starting job, and he’d probably prefer to play someplace where being black isn’t a Class 3 Misdemeanor. But Vick To Green Bay falls on the more feasible side of the sanity scale. The reality is that we may not see Vick suit up at all on Sundays, which would be annoying. If Green Bay has taught us anything, it’s that following quarterbacks that aren’t committed to a team is the most irritating pastime ever. Here’s hoping the Pack will spare us one more go-round of that.

KSK 2009 NFL Prekkake: NFC North

Christmas Ape — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 12:30:30 +0000

More Ragnar treachery to spur Drew’s bloodlust

It’s that time of year again, when we’re so devoid of content that, rather than spending time covering T.J. Houshmandzadeh making a stink about being only the sixth highest rated receiver in the NFC in the new Madden, we run through our predictably inaccurate prognostications for the upcoming year, division by division. Up next, it’s the NFC North, where if you’re not downing 8,000 calories a day, you’re dropping precious pounds.

Like that forced grin is gonna last

CHICAGO BEARS

Five Fast Facts About Da Bears:

Jay Cutlerfucker has finally found a team where he can be appreciated, one with an outsized expectation to finally have a quarterback carry them on their shoulders and deliver wins seemingly out of nowhere. Yup, he’ll cave after three regular season pass attempts.

Greg Olsen hopes to benefit in a newfound Bears passing game. And if those benefits include underage girls, all the better.

Hoping to buck the impression that he’s an old guy, Orlando Pace logged onto Twitter the other day. The result: he and that porn bot following him are expecting four children already.

Nathan Vasher will take no more of your Vasher bashing, young lady.

The departure of Mike Brown leaves a gaping hole in the “effective safety when healthy but he’s usually hurt” slot in the Bears secondary. With a little gumption and some more bone spurs, Kevin Payne just might be that guy.

Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 8.5 wins

Verdict: OVER

Cutlerfucker will make the Bears better. How much? Marginally. But in a marginal division, that goes a long way, at least in the regular season. The defense doesn’t live up to its recent reputation, but it has enough to lead this team to a division title.

DETROIT LIONS

Five Fast Facts About the Lions:

Grady Jackson will eat all remaining foodstuffs in the Detroit area, thus engendering the cannibalism we have so longed for in this economy.

Larry Foote actually wanted to play for this team. No joke. He did. All 16 games. He means it. Okay, not fair of the camera to linger on him to make sure he keeps a straight face.

Maurice Morris missed his golden opportunity to star in the porn version of the Eminem vehicle, 8 Inch. In Gran Pornio, however, he will rectify this.

Ronald Curry sounds like an Indian version of Ronald McDonald. Always bothered me that he hasn’t embraced this.

Matt Stafford received $41.7 million in guaranteed money in his rookie contract, which will pan out to about a million dollars per completion percentage.

Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 5 wins

Verdict: UNDER

Five whole wins? Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, Lions fans. This is a better team than the historically inept one that spread disgrace on thick last year, but you’re still throwing Daunte Culpepper out there (assuming Stafford doesn’t start Week 1) with no discernible running back, no secondary and only a slightly better front seven. Baby steps.

GREEN BAY PACKERS

Five ~~Fat~~ Fast Facts About the Packers:

Jermichael Finley tried to cram Jermaine and Michael into one first name, did it, and spend a lifetime regretting it.

Hoping to spring back from injury plagued 2008 campaign, Atari Bigby sat down, read through the Bible, noted some key passages, mulled them over, prayed for convalescence, and was met in his sleep by the beneficent god of dreadlocks, who vowed to listen to his pleas and share them in exaggerated anecdotes with friends. End result: laughter from friends, no better health for Atari.

Former USC linebacker Clay Matthews pairs with former Ohio State linebacker A.J. Hawk to activate a water fountain. Matthews hits button while Hawk drinks. Sadly they figure this out after considerable effort out midway through the third quarter of Week 9’s game in Raymond James Stadium.

Aaron Rodgers had a good statistical season last year. Any chance he can repeat? I dunno, ask these wonderful STATISTICS you place so much import in. DON’T THEY JUST KNOW EVERYTHING!

Anthony Smith is really feeling this new Mos Def album. Sadly, he plans to listen to it in coverage.

Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 9 wins

Verdict: UNDER

The Pack were 5-5 until they fell apart and lost five straight late last season. An injured defense, already poor, was even more porous down the stretch. They’ll be better, but not that much. An 8-8 finish is a step short of the playoffs, but one in the right direction.

MINNESOTA VIKINGS

Five Fast Facts About the Vikings:

Chester Taylor mistakenly clicked on one of those Cartoon Yourself ads and now he’s stuck in an episode of Duckman.

Sage Rosenfels hates Brett Favre, just like you and me. Not because he’s a goy, but because he’s a SOUTHERN goy.

Percy Harvin, quite the weed aficionado, starts growing his own strain as a Viking called Major Glad.

Having traded in on the 2008 dick flashing trend and lacking ideas for the 2009 season, Visante Shiancoe continues showing his cock following each Vikings game, drawing mostly apathy from reporters. That is until he puts clown makeup on his cock in Week 11. That’ll change everything.

Bryant McKinnie’s nickname is Mount McKinnie. Mount McKinley’s nickname? Fuck you, it’s a mountain. No time for that prima donna shit. [Ed. note: Whoops.]

Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 9 wins

Verdict: PUSH

With the imminent signing of Brittfar, the Vikings, a still very talented team at most positions, are trading one horribly inept quarterback for another. Rosencopter will likely bail him out at one point, though he’s not a whole lot of an upgrade. No matter, as the weakness at QB can and will be exploited handily. If they deal well with early season suspensions to Pat and Kevin Williams, they’ll be all right. Nine or 10 wins sounds about right.

Make an NFC Norris Reference and I Throttle Youkkake!

Christmas Ape — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 00:45:05 +0000

Bears. Packers. These teams have met a few times. Perhaps Bobby Wade can spare you the three hours by letting you know what will happen.

Packers fans engage in some wholesome male bonding

flubby — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 15:33:38 +0000

This is a pretty funny video, except it is marred by a small– yet bothersome– error. I’m willing to suspend belief in order to be entertained for a little while. For example, I was willing to accept the premise that John Travolta and Nick Cage could just lop off each others faces, swap them, then keep having crazyass fight scenes. Hell, I even made it through “Boiler Room” even though they asked us to believe Vin Diesel passed the Series 7. But this sketch pushes even my generous boundaries of credulity. I mean, a black Packers fan? Are you kidding me??? What kind of wacky science fiction is this?

[ warning: may be NSFW ]

But other than that, this is wholly typical of my weekly NFL viewing experience. Cold beers, simulated fellatio, even a little watersports. Except I would never sit on a sofa that small with two other guys. Seems a tad gay for my tastes.

Tonight on SportsCenter:ESPN gives away Wisconsin heritage

flubby — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 15:29:04 +0000

My hometown is a finalist for ESPN’s TitleTown award. While we Louisvillians are grateful for whatever non-dead-horse related sports publicity we can garner, I’m pretty sure the Titletown designation got hashed out in Green Bay’s favor over forty years ago. Is this second capitalized “T” supposed to make if different somehow? Do the Packers’ accomplishments mean less since they happened before ESPN was created?

Green Bay is not completely screwed yet. They are also a “finalist” for ESPN’s version of the appellation. But why should they have to “win” something that’s been theirs exclusively for decades? Do I sound indignant? Am I doing this right? Are you sick of rhetorical questions?

Here’s a look at some other nicknames and honorifics that ESPN will be pretending to have the authority to put to a public vote in the near future:

City of Brotherly Love

Funkytown

President Emeritus of the Nashville Auto-Diesel College

Dr. J

Original bass player for Metallica

Footsteps Falco

Yapcunt Regional: No. 2 Giant vs. No. 7 PackerTALE O’ THE TAPE

flubby — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 12:40:00 +0000

This matchup might appear to be one-sided on paper: Brobdingnagian versus lowly abattoir wage slave. But before you jump to any rash conclusions, remember Andre was only slightly larger than your average steer. Plus, they know how to get rid of the bodies. Incidentally, this bracket is only more fucked up than my NCAA one (thanks, Temple and Georgia).

Poll is on the sidebar to the right. Voting is open until the end of today.

Contestant

Packer ______ Giant

Slogan

Beef: it’s what’s for dinner ___________ OBEY

Distinction that sounds less cool the more you think about it

Feeds nation that consumes 28 billion lbs of meat a year __France’s best-known athlete

Unlikely ally

Upton Sinclair _____ The Million Dollar Man

Unintended legacy

Trite, yet enduring, “meat packing” double entendres __ Gheorge Muresan made a movie

Occupational hazard

Squalid working conditions amid tons of diseased carcasses ___ ditto

Finishing move and notable copier of said move

Captive bolt gun to skull (Anton Chigurh) __ Massive heart attack (Ken Lay)

Favre retires day seven: flogging the expired equine

flubby — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 13:41:00 +0000

With the retirement of Brett Favre, die-hard Packer fans are struggling to come to grips with the loss of the face of the franchise. Message boards are full of cheeseheads sharing their favorite Favre memories. And since we have absolutely nothing else ready, we thought we would share a few of favorites with you verbatim…

“Have you heard about this video Brett Favre 4 Ever? Believe me, this is the only thing than get a classroom full of third-graders to shut the hell up on a Monday morning when I have a raging fucking hangover. God bless you, Brett.” -Sharon, Appleton, WI

“I finally got to see Pack play in person a few years back. Me & my boy Mikey called in sick so we could start tailgating on Friday. Freaking Lambeau man! We hooked up with Mikey’s cousin DeWayne and his buddies. Brett threw this gorgeous spiral that seemed to hang in the air just long enough for Driver to snatch out of the air. It was amazing. Fourth quarter comeback. Up yours, Carolina. The best throw I’ve ever seen. I mean real poetry man. On the way home Mikey ran his van off the road and hit this homeless looking guy on the side of the road. We freaked out for a couple minutes and then decided to get the fuck out before the cops got there, but we were pretty sure he was dead. Man, was that a great freaking throw.” -Phil, Rockford, IL

“One time Daddy put all of our stuff in the truck except for the tv. Daddy said if Brett Farv didn’t win by more than 10 points we had to go away because some bad men wanted tocome get Daddy. I didn;t want to go away but Brett Farve winned and I didnt have to go away. I love Bret” – Kaden, Kenosha, WI

"C’mon Greg. Quit Doddlin’. Time to Run the Next Play."

Christmas Ape — Sun, 20 Jan 2008 23:00:00 +0000

Greg Jennings: Gat dammit Brett, put me down! I’m not hurt, I can walk fine, you woollyheaded man-child.

Brett Favre: I won’t hear it! We’re going downfield and I’m not leaving you behind.

There comes a time in every quarterback’s career where he has to take his team on his back, Greg. Now’s that time for me. The wind’s to my back again. Me and Father Time done reached an understanding that I’m on borrowed time. I have the renewed purpose of a man who knows to value his days. To make it count, what little life I have left.

Greg Jennings: Man, you’re not dying. You’ll just have to retire someday.

Brett Favre: See, that’s thing: the day I retire will be my last on this mortal coil. Madden and I already have the murder-suicide planned out. I couldn’t do that, that life of the former QB, becoming some yammering old coot. My boyish heart of a champion couldn’t live in a dried-up old vessel.

And I couldn’t deal with Deanna. Damn, that bitch is annoying.

We’re Gonna Take the Ball and We’re Gonna Get Two or Three First Downs. Then We’re Probably Going to Punt

Christmas Ape — Sat, 12 Jan 2008 15:05:00 +0000

If old age has granted me any wisdom, it’s that I’ve learned to temper my expectations a touch. I’m a much more mature man than I was in those days.

No staying up past 11, no drives longer than six minutes. It wears me down. I’m just trying to keep it at an even keel these days.

Whew. Hey. Hold on, Aaron Kampman. Let’s say we take a breather and head over to the Robeks for a boysenberry smoothie? My treat.