These broads! Foof! It’s like they got moths between their ears! I tells ‘em and I tells ‘em – downs equals tries; tries equals downs. That some kinda rocket surgery or something? What’s a guy gotta do to hammer it through in her thick skull!? It’s like her brain, it ain’t wired right, y’know? She just points at a play in progress and pretends everything goes all coo-coo bananas. Like all us guys are just playing a big practical joke in her. You ask me, she got dropped on her head as a kid. Thank God Steve came with all the uniform dress-up gear to give her the visuals. Now I’mma leave them in the locker room to diagram some stuff while I head back to the recliner. With a cold one, of course. You can take it from here, eh, Steve-oh?

[Everything is Terrible]

(more…)

By one sports network’s count, there are exactly eight NFL teams that have not publicly declared “no interest” in signing Michael Vick, one of which happens to be the Green Bay Packers. They’re seriously considering picking up Vick, and I think such a signing would be a good move–for them. (more…)

More Ragnar treachery to spur Drew’s bloodlust

It’s that time of year again, when we’re so devoid of content that, rather than spending time covering T.J. Houshmandzadeh making a stink about being only the sixth highest rated receiver in the NFC in the new Madden, we run through our predictably inaccurate prognostications for the upcoming year, division by division. Up next, it’s the NFC North, where if you’re not downing 8,000 calories a day, you’re dropping precious pounds.

(more…)

Bears. Packers. These teams have met a few times. Perhaps Bobby Wade can spare you the three hours by letting you know what will happen.

This is a pretty funny video, except it is marred by a small– yet bothersome– error. I’m willing to suspend belief in order to be entertained for a little while. For example, I was willing to accept the premise that John Travolta and Nick Cage could just lop off each others faces, swap them, then keep having crazyass fight scenes. Hell, I even made it through “Boiler Room” even though they asked us to believe Vin Diesel passed the Series 7. But this sketch pushes even my generous boundaries of credulity. I mean, a black Packers fan? Are you kidding me??? What kind of wacky science fiction is this?

But other than that, this is wholly typical of my weekly NFL viewing experience. Cold beers, simulated fellatio, even a little watersports. Except I would never sit on a sofa that small with two other guys. Seems a tad gay for my tastes.

My hometown is a finalist for ESPN’s TitleTown award. While we Louisvillians are grateful for whatever non-dead-horse related sports publicity we can garner, I’m pretty sure the Titletown designation got hashed out in Green Bay’s favor over forty years ago. Is this second capitalized “T” supposed to make if different somehow? Do the Packers’ accomplishments mean less since they happened before ESPN was created?

Green Bay is not completely screwed yet. They are also a “finalist” for ESPN’s version of the appellation. But why should they have to “win” something that’s been theirs exclusively for decades? Do I sound indignant? Am I doing this right? Are you sick of rhetorical questions?

Here’s a look at some other nicknames and honorifics that ESPN will be pretending to have the authority to put to a public vote in the near future:

This matchup might appear to be one-sided on paper: Brobdingnagian versus lowly abattoir wage slave. But before you jump to any rash conclusions, remember Andre was only slightly larger than your average steer. Plus, they know how to get rid of the bodies. Incidentally, this bracket is only more fucked up than my NCAA one (thanks, Temple and Georgia).

Poll is on the sidebar to the right. Voting is open until the end of today.

With the retirement of Brett Favre, die-hard Packer fans are struggling to come to grips with the loss of the face of the franchise. Message boards are full of cheeseheads sharing their favorite Favre memories. And since we have absolutely nothing else ready, we thought we would share a few of favorites with you verbatim…

“Have you heard about this video Brett Favre 4 Ever? Believe me, this is the only thing than get a classroom full of third-graders to shut the hell up on a Monday morning when I have a raging fucking hangover. God bless you, Brett.” -Sharon, Appleton, WI

“I finally got to see Pack play in person a few years back. Me & my boy Mikey called in sick so we could start tailgating on Friday. Freaking Lambeau man! We hooked up with Mikey’s cousin DeWayne and his buddies. Brett threw this gorgeous spiral that seemed to hang in the air just long enough for Driver to snatch out of the air. It was amazing. Fourth quarter comeback. Up yours, Carolina. The best throw I’ve ever seen. I mean real poetry man. On the way home Mikey ran his van off the road and hit this homeless looking guy on the side of the road. We freaked out for a couple minutes and then decided to get the fuck out before the cops got there, but we were pretty sure he was dead. Man, was that a great freaking throw.” -Phil, Rockford, IL

“One time Daddy put all of our stuff in the truck except for the tv. Daddy said if Brett Farv didn’t win by more than 10 points we had to go away because some bad men wanted tocome get Daddy. I didn;t want to go away but Brett Farve winned and I didnt have to go away. I love Bret” – Kaden, Kenosha, WI

Greg Jennings: Gat dammit Brett, put me down! I’m not hurt, I can walk fine, you woollyheaded man-child.

Brett Favre: I won’t hear it! We’re going downfield and I’m not leaving you behind.

There comes a time in every quarterback’s career where he has to take his team on his back, Greg. Now’s that time for me. The wind’s to my back again. Me and Father Time done reached an understanding that I’m on borrowed time. I have the renewed purpose of a man who knows to value his days. To make it count, what little life I have left.

Greg Jennings: Man, you’re not dying. You’ll just have to retire someday.

Brett Favre: See, that’s thing: the day I retire will be my last on this mortal coil. Madden and I already have the murder-suicide planned out. I couldn’t do that, that life of the former QB, becoming some yammering old coot. My boyish heart of a champion couldn’t live in a dried-up old vessel.

And I couldn’t deal with Deanna. Damn, that bitch is annoying.

If old age has granted me any wisdom, it’s that I’ve learned to temper my expectations a touch. I’m a much more mature man than I was in those days.

No staying up past 11, no drives longer than six minutes. It wears me down. I’m just trying to keep it at an even keel these days.

Whew. Hey. Hold on, Aaron Kampman. Let’s say we take a breather and head over to the Robeks for a boysenberry smoothie? My treat.