THIS FACKIN GREEK FAKE-HISPANIC BITCH IS RAWPONSIBLE FAH ALL OW-AH SAWFFERING! That’s right, everybody. Put down all the statistical analyses proving that Belichick did actually make the correct decision by trying to convert the 4th and 2. Turns out, the Patriots were fated to lose anyway, because Access Hollywood host and Boston native Maria Menounos Tweeted that the Pats were going to win before the game was actually over. DIDN’T LITTLE BILLY SIMMONS EVAH TEACH THIS FAKE MEXICUNT ABOWT THE POWAH OF THE JINX? WE SHOULD REVOKE HEH BAHSTON CITIZENSHIP! SHE’S NAWT IN THE BROTHAHOOD ANY MO-AH!

The epic Bill Belichick-Jim Caldwell blood feud is renewed in this, a contest bound to be sorely lacking in superlatives about the quarterbacks involved. But there are so many other intriguing storylines aside from the obvious QB comparison. Is it Laurence Maroney or is it Joseph Addai who is more generally useless? Can Austin Collie’s grittiness unseat Welkah’s on this grand primetime stage? Will Caldwell ever forgive Dwight Freeney for not employing his many spins as a running back at Wake Forest? Why won’t we ever give the Meast to Peyton?

These questions and more will be quickly brushed aside in favor of dick jokes, soft porn and making light of the reinforced stereotypes in that “Precious” movie.

This week we’re highlighting the very obscure, totally non-showcase match-up between Peyton Manning and Tom Brady. I doubt any NFL-related TV shows will explore this particular angle of the Colts-Patriots game on Sunday, so it’s good that we are.

Pey-Pey and Dreamboat have met in a lot of big games this decade, so they have a “rivalry” even though I doubt there is any actual animosity between the two of them. Brady has won most of the contests, but Peyton has had the advantage the last few years. They’re both really good and shoo-in Hall of Famers.

Peyton is a robot who gesticulates too much at the line of scrimmage and, according to Peter King, is possessed of anal traits. Early in his career, it was fun to mock him for being without a championship and gay for Kenny Chesney. But then he went and won a title while the Chesney jokes got old. Now he’s just a really good quarterback who appears in a lot of commercials. The worst I can say about him is that Colts fans, even though Peyton has won multiple MVP awards and is generally thought to be the face of the league, act as though he’s somehow ignored and underappreciated. Because they’re all Midwestern diptards with nothing else in their lives, but that’s not really Peyton’s fault, is it?

Tom Brady is a smug asshole, but then he leads an almost cartoonishly perfect life. Would you or I be unbearable were we lavished with such gifts? Probably. I’m already kind of a dick and I don’t have anything on Brady. As quietly as one can do something on the overexposed Patriots, Brady has “quietly” returned to his dominating pre-injury form in the last few weeks, regaining the timing with Randy Moss that was clearly missing in the Pats first few games. That doesn’t make him or his fans, many of whom wanted Brady traded last year then complained that he wasn’t traded when he struggled some out of the gate this year, any less obnoxious. He cheated on Bridget Moynahan, he wears Yankees hats in public while he plays for a Boston (er, sorry, “New England”) team, earlier this year he blew off the Matron Saint when she tried to get a post-game quote from him. He’s a dick. You can nail him and Pats fans for the Spygate and 18-1 stuff, but then the amount of irrational hate the Steelers have received in the last year has actually made me identify with the Massholes some. Did I actually write that? Oh well.

I think the first time Peyton and Brady ever met kind of captures their respective personalities perfectly.

Already a two-time Pro Bowler, Manning nevertheless introduced himself: “I’m Peyton Manning.”

“And I said, ‘No (expletive),’ ” Brady said yesterday, laughing. “We were both getting warmed up and he was probably on his 100th throw of the day, two hours before the game. It was a pretty quick meeting.”

Robot, meet dickhead.

Last year, Josh McDaniels was tasked with making Matt Cassel look like an adequate quarterback, and by employing the daring strategy of exploiting a stacked receiving corps, he was able to accomplish just that. Having done so, it was certainty that some foolish team would be willing to let him run their team into the ground. That team turned out to be the Broncos. As with so many of his other underqualified underlings, Bill Belichick was content to let him out into the world to destroy another franchise’s hopes at competency. But McDaniels has stubbornly flouted the established Belichick disciple model and found a measure of success (or at least taken the credit for the success Mike Nolan’s defense has gotten him). Is McDaniels crazy enough to try to beat his former master. Knowest he nothing of fealty? Anyway, WHO YA GOT?

The Ratbirds and the Greatriots mark the lone interesting match-up of the early slate on this, the pinko Sunday. The Ravens lead the AFC in scoring (playing Kansas City and Cleveland at home in two of your games will help with that) yet have scored a total of six points in their two previous trips to Foxboro. Meanwhile, Welkaaahhh is returning! So long Jewkah! Dr. Underneath has to make his rounds.

/has 2012-esque fantasy of ground opening up and swallowing the stadium during this game

Sweet jizzing robot Jesus, the rest of these early games suck.

When the Bucs and Redskins play, sticking pink in the endzone is the last place capable of raising awareness.

Also, that’s Breast CANCER Awareness Sunday, Berman.

Freudian slips are a tragic upshot of deux-deux-deux abuse.

Greg Olsen’s mom was once diagnosed with breast cancer, but Jay Cutler’s never been let into a threesome with her and the tight end, so he’s all, “Yeah, that’s bad, I guess. She gonna be all right. I mean, I dunno. I’ve been through worse. Whatever.”

UPDATE: Oops. Forgot to fob off a line about the forgettable Jags-Titans contest. IT’S ONLY BECAUSE JACK DEL RIO WOULDN’T LET ME!

Our regularly scheduled Monday night live blogification returns, with us streaming to you live vulgarities and inappropriate jokes to bolster your viewing experience of what will undoubtedly be two massive blowouts between divisional foes. First up, you might have seen it scrawled on Bill Simmons’ masturbation journal that the Dreamboat is back (we can’t confirm Simmons’ report that his dick is even tastier now) and Brady’s bringing cuddles (and even more kids!) with him. This should be a doozy. How ever will a Patriots defense gutted of old useless automatons like Mike Vrabel, Tedy Bruschi, Rodney Harrison (who’s still talking trash about Patriots opponents even though he’s a studio analyst now) and Richard Seymour manage to stifle a supersimplified Bills offensive strategy devised by Alex Van Pelt? Surely they cannot hope to try. Lay down your arms, fellas.

Our latter Mike & Mike narrated lop-sided contest features King Philip the Laserfaced GOING ALL PHILIP RIVERS on the Tom Cable’s band of overweight quarterbacks and savagely beaten coaching staff in Raidervania. Will Tila Tequila follow up on her promise to get all the battered women of the world to show up and protest (only to be raped again by Raiders fans)? Let’s hope so!

MATT LIGHT DISAPPROVES OF YOUR FENG SHUI AND WILL SHOW IT WITH VIOLENCE. Patriots tackle Matt Light is being sued by a nightclub host-cum-interior decorator for an alleged beating the Patriots tackle administered to him on New Year’s Eve 2007 during an altercation at a Connecticut casino. See, Light practices his technique on interior decorators then later applies it on the field to Channing Crowder. Get a vehicle on the field and the offseason exploits of Marshawn Lynch and Donte Stallworth suddenly have remarkable utility.

Dalai Lama: It is my joy to appear and speak before you, people of Massachusetts. Emotionally, mentally, physically, we are same. Everyone have the same right to achieve happy life. The path to spiritual health is open to all who wish to negotiate it.

Patriots fans: [Crushing silence only broken by the sounds of people texting]

Dalai Lama: Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions. I find hope in the darkest of days, and focus in the brightest. I do not judge the universe. There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophies. My brain and my heart are my temples; my philosophy is kindness.

Patriots fans: [More silence, some begin to file out]

Dalai Lama: Our should be a mission of peace. What use is it to struggle against others when we all flow within the same lifeblood? Only with understanding and empathy can we better our own existence. If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.

Patriots fans: [More silence. The sound of crickets chirping is heard]

Dalai Lama: I am failing to reach them. Perhaps I must speak in their tongue.

Dalai Lama: [Dons Patriots hat] OW-AH ENLIGHTENMENT IS MAAAHHHH PRAHFOUND THAN YO-AH ENLIGHTENMENT! WE APPRECIATE THA UNIVAHSE ON DEEPAH LEVELS! BECAWSE WE’RE WICKED SMAHT! COLTS FANS DO FAGGY MEDITATIONS WITH THEIR CAWKS! AND THEY STILL HAVE INNAH TUMULT AFTERWARDS! WE BEEN LOYAL FOLLOWAHS OF THE GREAT BUDDHIST NATION SINCE THE FIRST BODHISATTVA. WE EVEN GOT HIS THROWBACK TO PROVE IT! HE’S BETTAH THAN YO-AW SPIRITUAL LEADAH!

Patriots fans: …

But you’re still not white!

Brian Scalabrine said only through Twisted Teas could one achieve inner peace! YOU CALLING HIM A LIE-AH!?

THIS GUY’S A FACKIN’ FRAWD!

LET’S HAVE HIM DRAWN AND QUAHTAHED! RABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLE!

Wes Welker: People, people! That is the most esteemed Dalai Lama. He of all people is worthy of our attention and respect. Heed the lessons he tells to you today. Much wisdom, he has.

Patriots fans: [All] We will do as you say. We are followers of the Words of Welkah. His is the Way and the Light.

Wes Welker: Go in peace my children.

Patriots fans: [All] Peace be unto Wes. We will allow the gook to speak his Asian words.

Wes Welker: Also: Pedroia is a false prophet.

Patriots fans: [All] Don’t push your luck! Sawx come first! Don’t push your luck! Sawx come first!

OOWWWW-AH CAMPOUTS AH MUCH BETTAH THAN YO-AHHHHHH CAMPOUTS! “WE TELL STAHRIES AND EAT FLUFFAHNUTTAH SANDWICHES!” The Patriots allow people to camp out on the Gillette Stadium field for one night in June. So take part in the Relay for Life and that might be you sleeping on that concentration camp icon they got near the 50-yard line.