With the firing of Lane Kiffin yesterday, Count Al Davis summoned local reporters to his very dark and forbidding castle high on the mountaintop, AT THE STROKE OF MIDNIGHT, to discuss Kiffin’s ouster, and the future of the Raiders organization. Below is a transcript of that press conference.

(crypt flies open)

Count Al: HISSSSSSSSSS!!!! Before vee get to your questions, I vant to talk briefly about this Keefin fellow! Blah! BLAAAAHHHH!!!! Ven vee hired Lane, he vas so very young. And fresh. And full of rich, death-giving blood! But then he turned SCARY! VEEEERY SCARY! BLAH! BLAH!

This Keefin fellow vas nussing like he claimed! He is a liah! He said vee never talked? Zis is not true! BLAH! BLAH! I have counted many times the number of times we spoke after ze Buffalo game! ONE! TWO! THREE! HA HA HA HA HA!!!

/thunder rolls

Zen he commeets ze ultimate seen! HE SAID MEAN THINGS ABOUT ZE VOLF MAN IN PUBLIC!

WereRob Ryan: OW-OOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Count Al: Look at how hurt he was by zat! It vas virtually unprecedented in NFL heestory! Zis Keefin fellow deceived us all! He seemed so innocent, and clean cut, and so willing to submit to ze temptations of immortality! BUT HE DID NOT BELIEVE IN BEING PARANOID! OR BRINGING VILLIE GAULT OUT OF RETIAHMENT! He vas not a TWOO RAIDAH! BLAH! BLAH! Isn’t zat right, Mummy Art Shell?

Mummy Art Shell: (groans loudly)

Count Al: Vell, vee vere not simply going to take that lying down! Except during daylight hours, for zat is ven ze hideous sun casts its glare down upon me! BLAH BLAH! I have now a letter I wrote to Keefin! It is dated right before ze Buffalo game! See?

Reporter: How do we know you didn’t just write that date on it and print it out five minutes ago?

Count Al: HISSSS!!!!

Mummy Art Shell: (groans loudly)

WereRob Ryan: OW-OOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Count Al: How dare you question me?! Ven I say I wrote zis to Keefin two years ago, zat is when I wrote it! And it’s true! Blah! Blah! I wrote back in 1996! Here now is ze letter.

Dearest Mina,

By signing zis letter, you also agree to submit yourself to my harem of tightly corseted vampire succubi! Zen I get to place your head on a stake for all ze vorld to see! HA HA HA HA HA!

Now, as you can all see, Keefin signed zis letter at ze bottom!

Reporter: How do we know that’s not your handwriting?

Count Al: HISSSS!!!!

Mummy Art Shell: (groans loudly)

WereRob Ryan: OW-OOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Count Al: I VILL TAKE ONLY A FEW MORE QUESTIONS! ZEN I VILL SEIZE YOUR CAMERAS AND DESTROY ZEM! Now, please. Ask AVAY!

Reporter: Aren’t you trying to paint Kiffin in a bad light simply to justify your increasingly erratic behavior?

Count Al: HISSSS!!!!

Mummy Art Shell: (groans loudly)

WereRob Ryan: OW-OOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Reporter: How can you fire Kiffin for cause when the team clearly played with great effort despite all this chaos?

Count Al: GO VANK YOURSELF!

Reporter: How will this team ever be viable in the NFL if you can’t even keep around a novice coach like Kiffin?

Mummy Art Shell: (groans loudly)

Count Al: YOU MEDIA PEOPLE KNOW NUSSING! VUN DAY, VEE SHALL RETURN TO GLORY! Unless my maker decides to take me, vich he von’t! For I am ALREADY DEAD! AND ALL OF YOU VILL BOW TO ME! NOW, GO PUT YOUR VEINERS IN A SOCKET! BLAH! BLAH!