“That…sweet…sweet…can.”

Shame there wasn’t a clock in the background.

“Children are so fat these days! Can’t we make money off of that?” Ten years ago Dan Snyder appeared alongside Mark Cuban on PBS’s CEO Exchange (which unfortunately was not an early precursor to ABC’s Wife Swap). The program was recently repackaged and released on DVD as “Major League Entrepreneurs,” a documentary about the owner’s business success. So how did Snyder get so fabulously wealthy? Through hard work, good timing, and an ability to target developing market niches like diabetics and cancer patients. Hey, somebody is going to make money off of those sickies, why let the pharmaceutical companies have all the fun? [SB Nation DC and City Desk]

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While sharks get all the love on the internet, dolphins are often an afterthought. No more, friends. For if we sleep on these marine mammals any longer they will surely rise up and rule us with an iron flipper (Treehouse of Horror XI was a warning). Scoff if you must, but it’s happening faster than you think. Hell, they’re already mastering the iPad. By next week they very well could have those things playing Flash videos.

Once these creatures figure out how to leave the water for land we’re all doomed. And you know what? They’re getting pretty close.

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Today’s short-handed mock draft focuses on the routine tasks we loathe so very much. Each of the four of us who were available picked one task that we could assign to a personal servant for the rest of our lives. The draft order is as follows…

1. Ape
2. Ufford
3. Flubby
4. KOGOD

The results are after the jump. Add your picks in the comments, always waiting ten selections before going again.

Note: Your servant is not allowed to commit felonies on your behalf, so you’ll have to continue doing your own wet work.

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Today we’re drafting books that should be made into movies. For the purposes of the draft we’ll consider any and all book that has never been adapted for the screen. If the title is categorized by IMDB as in pre-production it will be considered off-limits, whereas titles that are merely in development will be fair game. And yes, graphic novels are eligible as well.

The draft order is as follows…

1. Punte
2. Ape
3. Drew
4. UM
5. Uff

Flubby was unable to participate this week due to other obligations, but we’re comfortable in our assumption that he would have drafted A Confederacy of Dunces, Searching for the Sound: My Life with the Grateful Dead, and Tales from the 1980 Louisville Cardinals. Falco was unable to participate this week due to diarrhea. We have absolutely no clue what he would have drafted.

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Hooray! It’s the mailbag! And it’s also April Fool’s Day, which means that I was very tempted to write an introduction to the mailbag, then put a picture of donkey porn under the jump and answer none of your questions. It would have been a lot more fun and saved me a couple hours of work, but I didn’t do it.

…OR DID I?

No, I didn’t, but you should be warned that there’s some pixelated nudity below. Technically safe for work, but not as safe as that picture of a dog humping a tiger.

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Here we are again. Due to a large number of compelling questions — some of them left over from last week –  this mailbag tips the scales at 5300+ words, which isn’t quite Easterbrookian, but is definitely walking in Simmons territory. So let’s dispense with the introduction and get right to it. This is gonna be a long haul.

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Longtime Redskins radio broadcaster Frank Herzog is making the retirement rounds, and yesterday he was on WTOP when John Riggins asked him about his favorite memory from years spent covering the Redskins. Not surprisingly, Dexter Manley was involved.

“My favorite memory from Redskins Park was Dexter Manley doing a live shot one day for Paul Berry on Channel 7. And it was cold, a winter day. And he was wearing a gorgeous fur coat. And Paul Berry said, ‘Well, Dexter, that’s a beautiful fur coat.’

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The Bay Area Sports Hall of Fame tried for the second time to induct Al Davis into their pantheon of localized sports greatness, only for Count Al to blow them off once again and not show up for the ceremony without telling anyone first. That left John Madden to present and accept the award on his behalf, all the while explaining that Davis is simply a misunderstood megalomaniac who really only has the best interests for your discarded entrails at heart.

Though Davis wasn’t at the ceremony Monday, don’t think he doesn’t care. Displayed with each inductee’s plaque is a brief biography written by a sportswriter. When BASHOF sent Davis his bio for inspection, a courtesy aimed at correcting errors, Davis rejected it and asked that it be completely rewritten by a different writer.

“You call this hagiography? BAH! Get me that Theodore Dreiser fellow. Now there’s a scribe who could make Dengue fever as popular as Audie Murphy.”