The Jacksonville Jaguars, in an effort to attract more season ticket holders, are offering a Jaguars Rewards program that will offer them discounts through supportive local businesses.

“The Jacksonville Jaguars are offering local businesses free advertising to help increase profits during these hard times. It’s fast, easy and free. All that’s required is a valuable offer for Jaguars Season Ticketholders, such as: Buy one entrée get a second one 1/2 off, or 25% off of your next dry cleaning bill.”

That’s right, a second entrée for half the price. That’ll give Fatty McNotickets something to think about. And remember, those are just two examples of the great deals waiting for you. Continue after the jump for more advantages of of the rewards program.

(more…)

MAGGIE DID IT!? WTF!? Nashville Police Chief Ronal Serpas announced that police have ruled that the McNair shooting was, in fact, the result of a murder-suicide committed by 20-year-old Sahel Kazemi, which is what most people had assumed all along. That isn’t to say that another conclusion wasn’t possible, but the dimestore detective work being done by a few overzealous bloggers the past week wasn’t making any alternatives seem all that plausible. Or even coherent. In the future, let’s try not to prosecute people on the Intarwebs based on squishy conjecture or even a few vaguely ominous rap lyrics, mmmmkay?

The Bengals’ web site has one of those garden-variety off-season redemption profiles of Chad Ocho Cinco, in which he vows this coming season won’t be quite as unremarkable as the last. It being Ocho, bland anecdotes about being inspired from one conversation with Denzel Washington and Kobe “Moutheyes scowl” Bryant at the NBA Finals are interspersed with magically disjointed and pause-worthy quotes about his relationship with Carson Palmer.

“I know people are trying to say we’re mad at each other and all that, but we’re good,” he said. “We’re like Brokeback Mountain. I’m going to be with Carson so much in July that I’m going to be the nanny (for his new twins).

I’m not totally up on my state-by-state gay adoption laws, but I’m pretty sure Ohio hasn’t granted those sort of rights for gay couples, but shine on you crazy kids.

“I’m going to babysit. We were getting down to the details. If he and the wife go out, they have to be back by three. I asked for permission to have company over.”

And he gets to keep this old birdcage!

Painfully tired Brokeback jokes aside, is there a worse idea than leaving your children alone with Ocho? Even if he doesn’t make them play inside the dryer, his circles of logic will render their still-forming minds to gelatin. Because he’s an alien. (Sorry Hulu)

It’s a good thing he brings the crazy in this profile, because there exists a distressing paucity of it in his Twitter feed. So far not a single mention of Car Boat (the boat with cars) and 8,000 responses to Ray Lewis’ feed. Someone’s peyote supply is diminished.

Elsewhere, Cedar Point amusement park will host a Brady Quinn Day this Saturday. In future news, Quinn will be disappointed to learn that “Batman the Ride” is a roller coaster.

JAMES HARRISON NOT RETARDED AFTER ALL! He’s just a really bad liar. Apparently the guy just has an acute fear of flying and that is why he’s foregoing the trip to D.C. later this week to meet his worship, Cliff Huxtable. Nevermind, of course, that Warrrrshington is only, at most, a mere four-hour car ride from the ‘Burgh. THAT’S ANYBODY CAR DISTANCE! THAT ROAD WASN’T PAVED FOR JAMES HARRISON! [Mondesi's House]

Joe Flacco, the starting Ravens quarterback and last keeper of the Frida Kahlo bloodline, is auctioning off a signed doodle of himself to support Neurofibromatosis, Inc. It’s a classy move, though the spartan stick figure character has, to date, only drawn a whopping $47 in bids. To further spur potential donors, Flacco decided to snazz up his uninspired design a little bit. Will it work? You be the judge.

(more…)

Ben Roethlisberger: HI BATCH!

Charlie Batch: Hey Ben.

Ben Roethlisberger: YOU KNOW TODAY IS FIVE-O DE MAY-O?

Charlie Batch: Yeah, you’re right. I guess it is.

Ben Roethlisberger: THAT MEAN WE GOTTA GET TOE UP FROM FLO’ UP

Charlie Batch: What now?

Ben Roethlisberger: DRUNK. MESSICAN-STYLE.

Charlie Batch: I dunno, man. I’m getting up there in years. My partying days are a little behind me, I think. Jeff Reed’s probably already at the bar though.

Ben Roethlisberger: BOOOOOOOO

Charlie Batch: Sorry, man.

Ben Roethlisberger: BOOOOOOOO

Charlie Batch: Look, man, I told you I was sorry.

Ben Roethlisberger: I WUZ SAYIN’ BOOOOOO-ATCH.

Charlie Batch: Gotcha… What do you have planned?

Ben Roethlisberger: THE BEN GOT THIS HERE LUNCHA LIBRE MASK. I THINK LUNCHA LIBRE MEAN FREE LUNCH, SO I WEAR MASK, I GET FREE GRUB ON. THEN START DRINK.

Charlie Batch: Uh, you might be confused. I think lucha libre is a type of wrestling.

Ben Roethlisberger: THE BEN HAVE TO WRESTLE FOR LUNCH?

Charlie Batch: Looks that way.

Ben Roethlisberger: THE BEN MUST BECOME BEN MYSERTIO JR., LEGENDARY WRESTLER OF SECRET!

Charlie Batch: But you just told me your identity.

Ben Roethlisberger: HARF HARF HARF. MUST FIND WAY TO THROW YOU OFF TRAIL

[Later]

Ben Roethlisberger: HI DIESEL

Brett Keisel: What’s up?

Ben Roethlisberger: CALLING IN FAVOR

Brett Keisel: But I don’t owe you a favor.

Ben Roethlisberger: THAT’S WHY I CALLS IT IN

Brett Keisel: Um, okay. What do you want?

Ben Roethlisberger: HOW WOULD THE BRETT LIKE TO BE THE BEN? I MAKES IT WORTH YOUR WHILE

[Later, during team drills]

Ben Mysterio Jr.: ONE SIDE, ONE SIDE, JABRONI.

Ben Mysterio Jr.: I, BEN MYSTERIO JR., ON THIS DAY, FIVE-O DE MAY-O, EXTEND OPEN CHALLENGE FOR FREE LUNCH TO ANY WHO DARE ACCEPT. WHO WILL STEP FORWARD TO TAKE ON LEGENDARY WRESTLER OF SECRET?

Brett Keisel: And, uh, I’m just, I mean, I IZ THE BEN, HANGING OUT OVER HERE AND NOT WHERE BEN MYSTERIO JR. IS AT. PEW PEW PEW, ETC.

Frank Summers: Free lunch sounds good. I’ll take that fight.

Ben Mysterio Jr.: A ROOKIE TANK HAS STEPPED INTO THE OCTAGON

Frank Summers: What Octagon? Where’s the Octagon?

Ben Mysterio Jr.: ROOKIE TANK HAS STEPPED INTO BATTLE ZONE WITH LOOSELY DEFINED BOUNDARIES

Teammates: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

[Summers lunges at Mysterio, attempts to throw him down, but Ben shakes free of his grasp]

Frank Summers: Damn. This dude’s actually pretty tough to bring down.

[Mysterio scrambles around the field, occasionally breaking free of Summers' tackles. Summers eventually becomes fatigued and doubles over, and Ben pins him with his foot]

Ben Mysterio Jr.: I IZ TRIUMPH! NOW PREPARE TO BE SHOCKED WITH SURPRISE AS BEN MYSTERIO JR. SHOWS SELF [takes off mask] TO BE BEN ROETHLISBERGER

[Teammates feign surprise]

Ben Roethlisberger: NOW WHERE IS FREE LUNCH?

Mike Tomlin: At the mess hall, like every day.

Ben Roethlisberger: ALLLLLLL RRRRRIIIIIGGGGHHHHTTTTT! [Skips away gleefully]

HEY, READERS! REMEMBER LIVE BLOG? HE’S BACK! IN POG FORM! Yes, KSK live blogification returns this Saturday to cover the first round of the NFL Draft. So, join us, won’t you for more Grimey keeping things moving with Lucy Pinder pictures and StaubachLVR pronouncing every pick a bust. I’ll try to get video of Maj crying into his pretzel when the ‘Skins take Sanchez.

Sunday’s Simpsons episode was another eminently unfunny installment in the years long death rattle the show has been publicly undergoing, one that will endure for at least another two years. But it did have one good football related visual gag, when Channel 4 ran a doctored picture of Flanders in a hatchet story about him booting the Simpsons out of their home after he bought in on the cheap in an auction.

Don’t take the ribbing too hard Lions fans. Remember when the show ripped on the Broncos in the Hank Scorpio episode and the team proceeded to win the next two Super Bowls? Well, that won’t happen to you, but it’s a nice thought, huh?

[Fanhouse via Mouthpiece]

So this is what it feels like… when doves cry.