Welcome back for another fun week of poorly thought out wagers. While you’re sitting there reading this I’m locked in a very large warehouse counting a lot of stuff while trying to limit my dust intake. Good times. Anyway, I was able to find three of the world’s foremost football prognosticators to assist with this week’s picks.

Smooth Jimmy Apollo: I hereby declare the Lions Smooth Jimmy’s Lock of the Week. When you lose 90% of the time you’re bound to win 10% of the time.

Unnamed Sportscaster: I declare the Colts to be my Shoe-In of the Week. And I really wish that Jay Kogen had given me a name. I am so lonely.

Professor Frink: After analyzing millions of pieces of data, the Gamble Tron 2000 says the winner is… the Falcons, by 200 points?!

In all seriousness, I have a machine that tells me to pick the Falcons every week. It has become sentient, and I have come to fear for my well being. Enjoy the games, and please never listen to anyone’s gambling advice. People are stupid. Stupider than machines.

Armen Keteyian’s investigation into the death of former Titans quarterback Steve McNair has ignited renewed skepticism surrounding the apparent murder/suicide. While revelations about the alleged shooter and her relationship with the young man who provided her with the murder weapon may be old news to the police tasked with investigating the crime, it has opened the door for outside observers to don their sleuthing hats. One such amateur crime solver has taken to Twitter to air his suspicions. Good suspicions. Lofty suspicions.

You know what’s a reallystrange twist? Lemon in your coffee!

Only in LA, people!

Open like the bar at Amanda Bowers’s wedding (congrats, kiddos, and enjoy the illy sampler pack).

Those two exchanged more texts than Brett and I did all of last season.

Smells like Italian roast, with just a hint of…MURDER.

Seriously though, how many calls/texts is too many? If they had exchanged 25 texts would your suspicions wane?

If I buy a gun can we discuss my theory that McNair was murdered by the Freemasons? I am not a crackpot.

Much has been made of the many eye-opening features at the new Cowboys Stadium, and rightly so. I thought we’d already seen everything the stadium had to offer, and then we were treated to the cage dancers. That development got us wondering what other features Jerry Jones tried to cram into the stadium. After a little bit of digging we managed to come up with a list of proposed stadium features that didn’t make the cut for a variety of reasons.

- A four drink minimum

- Mirrored ceilings

- Cheerleader locker room cam

- Indoor coach firing squad

- Tower of Babel built to scale

- Massive throne for when God shows up to watch his team

- Shark tank dancers

- Marcus Dixon’s Super Fun Kids’ Playroom

- 18 hole golf course

- Monorail around concourse

- Oversized belt buckle concession stand

- Gun check

- Double wooden swinging doors in front of the tunnel

- Michael Irvin’s Barbershop

- A kick ass rear spoiler

- Swearing in of all club-level ticket holders as “Deputies”

- Pass defense

- Sideline hitching posts

- Baked potato bar

- Sarsaparilla vendors

- Mean dog on a chain in lieu of stadium security

- Hologram ushers

- Glory holes

- All you can eat pussy buffet

- On-site White House with shuttle access to special dirtier off-site White House

- Wade Phillips dunk tank

- Jason Garret’s dining club (closed to the public)

- “Shoot your own steak” barbecue pit/cattle corral

- Flozell Adams Brazilian Wax Salon

- Used cheerleader panties concession stand

Image via Flickr

LaToeInjury has shocked the football world by picking a time other than the playoffs to be injured, so Tiny Darren will have to slip beneath the murderous implements of the Ravens defense today. The Chargers will also be missing center Nick Hardwick, so Norv will have to abandon all those grand plans to run Sproles up the gut at Haloti Ngata. Marmalard, meanwhile, was fined late this week for taunting Raiders defensive tackle Gerard Warren in the second half of their Week 1 game.

WHAT? HUH? WHAT? I BARELY GENERATED ANY OFFENSE AGAINST YOUR TEAM!

Ray-Ray’s spastic dances after jumping on piles or Rivers berating everyone in sight? There may not be enough announcer scorn to go around.

In other late-game action:

If you bet against my picks last week then you’re sitting pretty going into Week 2. And if you didn’t bet against my picks, I have to ask, why not? I tried to tell you, I’m f*cking terrible at this.

It’s so easy to be confident making picks on Friday morning. Everything looks so right that you may not stop to consider the possibility that the goddamn Patriots might actually wait until the LAST FUCKING MINUTES to stop playing with their dicks long enough to score some points.

So be forewarned, the more confident I seem, the more likely I am to be horribly mistaken. Even that delightful homosexual fellow at Deadspin waxed me like I was his chest hair. Choire was like the Andy Richter to my Wolf Blitzer.

That being said, this is the week that it all comes together! WOOOO, REDEMPTION!

On to the picks!

New York Jets +4 vs. New England

I’m all too eager to jump on the Jets bandwagon, especially after the Patriots fucked me out of my parlay last week. Is this a good rationale? No. But hell, Rex Ryan could be marching the French army into Russia this week and I’d still take the points.

Green Bay -9 vs. Cincinnati

Okay, I’m not going to bet on all of the teams that I feel dicked me out of money last week, but I can’t pass this one up. The Packers should cruise to 3-0 with easy wins over the Bengals and Rams before their huge Monday night clash with the Vikings, just as God Der Kommissar planned.

Washington -10 vs. St. Louis

Did you see my man JC driving the Redskins down the field in the meaningless waning minutes against the Giants? If that trend continues…Ayyyyy!

Pittsburgh -3 at Chicago

Oh God, I’ve almost certainly done something horribly wrong. This feels far too good to be true. It’s like Vegas is under the impression that the Steelers don’t have a running game. They’re fools! FOOLS, I TELLS YA!

Minnesota -10.5 at Detroit

Yeah, I’m never betting on the Lions again. Betting against them, now there’s an innovative strategy. I can’t wait to watch the Vikings build a 17-point fourth quarter lead. In fact, I can see it now…

Wait.

Crap.

Enjoy the games, everybody.

This week, we’re holding the third annual KSK Kares Kharity Drive to support Matt Ufford’s participation in Fight Gone Bad, which raises money for the Wounded Warrior Project and Athletes for a Cure. Please donate at Ufford’s fundraising page.

The NFL is back, and by some miracle there’s actually a little bit of money sitting in my neglected Bodog account. So what the hell, let’s indulge in another season of impulsive gambling!

Now before we get to this week’s bets, a quick refresher…

I am not a particularly gifted gambler, and I’m okay with that. Do not come here looking for expert advice when it comes to picking games. You may notice that I don’t keep track of my betting record. In part that’s because I’m not the kind of asshole who wants to wow you with my acumen.

No, I’m a different kind of asshole entirely (I eat veal almost exclusively).

The other reason I don’t keep track of my record is because I don’t really give a shit, so I fail to see why anyone else would. I do this because it’s fun, and that’s it. Although that’s not to say that if I happen to have a particularly successful week I won’t gloat like an asshole (with a belly full of osso bucco), because I will. Shit, that’s half of the fun.

And now, on to the snap judgments!

Cincinnati -4 vs. Denver

Taking the Bengals while giving more than a field goal takes a steady nerve and a pickled liver. Mostly I want to get in on the ground floor of the Denver implosion. Come on McD, don’t disappoint! I’m also legitimately excited to watch Chad Ochocinco beat Champ Bailey like a suspect in shackles.

Carolina +4 +3 vs. Philadelphia

Okay Jake, this is your chance to show everybody that you aren’t a total embarrassment. Philadelphia is going to be tough to handle this season, but it’s not all going to come together right away (especially defensively). Carolina should play them tight as long as Delhomme doesn’t gift them too many easy scores. In other words, I’m fucked.

Detroit +14 at New Orleans

And this is why you don’t make your picks after a few drinks. Hell, all it takes is a little bit of gin to make the Lions look like a cagey underdog. Who cares if they’re on the road against a team that beat them at home by five touchdowns last year? Who cares if they’re led by a rookie quarterback who has yet to show the ability to string together successive completions. THEY’RE SO DUE!

Baltimore -13 vs. Kansas City
New England -11 vs. Buffalo

Two veritable playoff locks take on two teams with awful offensive lines who just happened to have fired their respective offensive coordinators in the past two weeks. Oh yes, I like this quite a bit. As long as I don’t actually have to watch these two games. That’s right, the season barely fucking started and I’m already bitching about the quality of the games. Because I’m an asshole, you see.

Defensive Rookie of the Year: Aaron Maybe 24/1

Hey, why the fuck not? Maybin showed up late to camp looking like he could be dominant pass rusher right out of the gate. The odds are too good to pass up, and I probably would have just spent that $20 on pretzels anyways.

And with that, my Bodog account is empty. Maybe I’ll get lucky and win some money this week. More likely I’ll have to re-up with a fresh new bankroll for the ‘09 season this time next week.

Enjoy the first NFL Sunday of the year, and feel free to share your favorite picks for the weekend in the comment section. Oh and don’t forget to tell me I’m an idiot. That’s always fun.

[Phone rings]

Bonita Favre: Yellah?

Cris Carter: Hello.

Bonita Favre: Dis the man from the county?

Cris Carter: No, ma’am. This is Cris Carter calling from ESPN.

Bonita Favre: ESPN with the county?

Cris Carter: I’m not a government employee, Mrs. Favre.

Bonita Favre: Figures. I been asking them to get their spirit chasers down here to clear my property for nigh on 35 years and ain’t heard but nothing. So what is it you be wantin’ then?

Cris Carter: I’m calling in regards to your son. There have been reports that he is going to sign a one-year contract with the Minnesota Vikings.

Bonita Favre: Well knowing Brett, he’s probably lying.

Cris Carter: Do you know what for a fact?

Bonita Favre: Fact? HA! Hell, son, I know Brett. I birthed me a liar, knowned it since he asked for right tit and bit the left. That boy loves him some tall tales, boy howdy. There was this one time he and the minister’s boy, they got it into their heads that they was gonna skip Sunday School to go round the fishing hole. ‘Course it didn’t take minister long to realize his own son wasn’t around the church. They caught up with them boys and guess what that rascally son of a gun Brett told him?

Cris Carter: So, do you know if he signed with the Vikings or not?

Bonita Favre: Brett said, “Father, the good Lord came to me in my breakfast cereal and he told me ‘go have fun out there.’ And that’s what I was aiming to do. Now, you could find cause to punish me, but in the end, you’d only be countermanding the will of our Lord.

Cris Carter: Uh huh. I really only need to confirm this story with you.

Bonita Favre: What a yarn that was! ‘Course Brett did catch four fish that day and even left one of them under a pew. OOOO-WEEE! Made that place stink to high Heaven.

Cris Carter: GODDAMMIT YOU ASS-BACKWARDS DRIED OUT OLD BIDDY, DON’T YOU KNOW I’M FROM THE PROJECTS! You know what? Fuggit. We’re already stalking his car by plane and satelitte photography. There, okay, good, I’ve heard we got a visual.

Bonita Favre: Oh, just relax a lil’, would ya? You media folk are so simple. He told me he wanted to go to the Vikings ever since before he ever left Green Bay. Fact is, he gonna be starting the end of this week.

Cris Carter: Who would you know that?

Bonita Favre: You think me boy would ever keep something from me?

Cris Carter: But you just called him a liar.

Bonita Favre: Is you thick or something? Now get one of them men from the county to call me back. There’s apparitions all about!

A neckbeard-less Neckbeard made his first appearance in a Broncos uniform Saturday Friday and marked the occasion with three particularly ugly interceptions in one half of action against the 49ers. And Seahawks fans continue lustily salivating over their all-too-easily acquired no. 1 pick in next year’s draft.

/it’s funny because Jay Cutler was only marginally better in his debut with the Bears.

Tonight marks the debut of VH1’s The T.O. Show, which promises to offer a more intimate look at Terrell Owens with the help of his co-stars Monique Jackson and Kita Williams. The two publicists share the unenviable task of trying to humanize the NFL’s preeminent diva as he searches for love, happiness, and a place to live in the vast wasteland that is Buffalo.

As much as I want to dismiss the show as more tripe from an obnoxious personality and an unwatchable network I maintain a slight sliver of hope that this could be worthwhile. How long it takes them to quash that hope is anyone’s guess.

Consider this an open-thread to discuss the episode. I’ll post my running commentary in the morning, assuming I don’t swallow a bottle of hydrocodone to numb my disappointment.

In other TO news, guess who has a new cereal? That’s right, now you can start your day with a big bowl of TO’s (”Flesh-Eating Bacteria In Every Box!”), the most generic Buffalo Bill endorsed cereal since Flutie Flakes!

Other programming note of interest: Tonight is the season finale of Spike TV’s 4th and Long hosted by Michael Irvin. I’d make a joke about being all excited to find which player will win the honor of being cut by the Cowboys after the second day of training camp, but Ufford beat me to it.