ONE WEEK UNTIL THE NFL SEASON STARTS, PEOPLE. By this time next week, we’ll be getting ready for the kickoff of Saints versus Packers. I am tumescent with anticipation.

Quick KSK Kares update, and then we’ll get to your questions. Yesterday’s top donor was Troy W., who donated $585. Hot damn, Troy. That would have been an awesome night at a strip club. I really appreciate you giving that money to the Special Operations Warrior Fund. Email me and I’ll send you that Rodgers jersey, or something else if you don’t like Aaron Rodgers. Today’s top donor will get… I dunno. I’m tired. Something awesome, like a signed copy of Drew’s book and some other stuff. I’ll figure it out tomorrow. In the meantime, please keep the donations coming. Y’all still haven’t earned the jean shorts.

Your questions:

Dear Emperors of Eating Out (girls),
Football: last year my my first year playing fantasy football, and I won my league. I’m not bragging; while competitive til the end, it was still just a crappy Yahoo league. I won on the strength of play from Tom Brady and my WR trinity of Mike Wallace, Greg Jennings, and Brandon Lloyd. I’d like to draft at least some of these guys again, though Jennings and Lloyd may struggle, and there’s almost no way Brady can repeat his performance. Do you think its a bad idea to draft any of these guys?

Brady will probably come down to Earth a little bit, but he’s still a Top-5 quarterback. Lloyd will likely take a step back as well, but Mike Wallace is getting great buzz as a possible Top-5 wideout.

Sex: I’ll be 20 soon, and I’ve never had sex.

That’s bad.

Now there’s this girl who really wants to fuck me. She told me so, in no uncertain terms.

That’s good.

Problem is, she’s fat and ugly.

That’s bad.

But it comes with a free frogurt!

Needless to say, I don’t find her remotely attractive. I told her no once before, but she still seems interested. Should I fuck her just to rid myself of the v-card? While I’m not saving it or anything like that, I would at least like to be attracted to the girl I’m smashing. I guess a corollary to the first question is… Should I be desperate to do it now, and if not now, when should I abandon all hope of bedding an attractive girl and nail down whatever I can take?
Thanks,
Bobby Bouchet

I don’t subscribe to any of that bullshit about your first time being special or with someone you care about or whatever. And I wholly encourage young men such as yourself to nail all the young tail while you can (with protection, of course). That said, you should at least be attracted to any woman you sleep with.

Just relax. The secret to getting laid is to not be desperate to get laid, which of course is impossible unless you’re getting laid. Classic Catch-22. So how do you break the loop? Well, it’s called “getting lucky” for a reason.

**********

Dear KSK,
Question time! FFB first – i’m taking over a team in a friend’s 10-team keeper league. The guy who i’m taking over from must’ve had a brain injury in the past couple years or is just piss-poor at fantasy football (HIS FINAL STARTING QB WAS JON KITNA). Regardless, my only SOMEWHAT legitimate keeper options are Sidney Rice in the 12th and Fred Jackson in the 8th (also considering Amendola an outside shot with a 13th rounder). Their system values a keeper as a pick two rounds higher than drafted last season, so all the top tier guys are available yearly. I’m torn on whether these fools are even worth losing the picks in those rounds or should i just try and rebuild this team with some high risk, high upside guys?

I think Sidney Rice is worth a 10th-rounder. As for Jackson, the Fantasy Football Calculator puts his average draft position at 75th overall, which — if my math is right — is the middle of the 8th round in a 10-team league. Translation: not worth a 6th round pick.

On the ladies…I’ve been hanging out with the ex-girlfriend every once in awhile. We hook up when we hang, and its great, because the sex is A+ and she’s quite attractive (better than anything i’m pulling now). The kicker is that she has has a longterm boyfriend, but she’s made it clear that i can basically say the word and she’ll drop him. Now, i still dig this girl but i’m FAR past the point where i’d give it another shot and i’ve told her that (obviously not in those words), so that’s not so much the issue. The real question is…should i feel bad about screwing the boyfriend over? Full disclosure – he’s an frat bro who lives with his parents and i can’t say i really care for him, personally (scratch that, i’m putting that too lightly, he’s a huge douche).

Every man for themselves in this situation, right? Appreciate your input.
-Shitbird von Tinydick

I dunno, Shitbird. I mean, it’s not like you’re breaking up a great relationship — your ex obviously isn’t enamored with her own boyfriend — and I’m sure you get a little extra thrill by cuckholding a douchebag, but I can’t quite sign off on this one. I’m not saying you should feel bad about it, per se, but it’s not a sound policy to screw other people’s girlfriends. It’s bad karma.

(MAILBAG NOTE: If you lazy bastards sign your emails with “Make up a name for me,” the name I come up with will not be flattering.)

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Patrons of the Matron,
Fantasy: My work league is a 12 team, start two QB, 6-point TD league (I know, our commish is an idiot).

That might be the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. But go on.

I have never drafted for heinous rules like this, so I am unsure of the strategy. Obviously this rule forces everybody except for people who don’t want to win to draft a QB in the first round. But with the rule making QBs unquesionably more valuable than any other position, and lack of good quarterbacks out there, should I also use my second pick on a QB? There is significant money riding on this league and its stupid rules as well. Also, I have the second overall pick, assuming both are available, do I take Rodgers or Vick?

Rodgers is the safer bet, but I wouldn’t count on him being available.

As for your second-round pick, I’d wait to see how the draft shapes up. You’ll have most the second round to see how people are using their second picks — if people are making a feverish run to snap up Eli Manning and Jay Cutler, you better get in while the gettin’s good. But my gut suspicion is that people will want to draft Chris Johnson before Kyle Orton, so you should be able to hold off a little bit. Assuming established second-tier guys like Matt Schaub get snapped up in the first and second rounds, I’d aim for Sam Bradford, Matt Stafford, or Ryan Fitzpatrick a little later.

Sex: Last night, when “hurricane” Irene was bearing down on my house, my girlfriend and I decided to see if howling winds and pounding rain would increase the excitement. And boy were we right. The possibility of mortal danger, of the roof collapsing on us before we could finish, made the whole thing really awesome. And it got me thinking, what other natural disasters would it be awesome to have sex during?
Sincerely,
Rocked her like a Hurricane

Oh yeah, you can’t go wrong with natural disaster sex. You really appreciate sex when you think it might be your last time having it.

I’d want to have sex during an earthquake, for obvious reasons. Except earthquakes aren’t really long enough. By the time you realize that what’s happening IS an earthquake, it’s over and you’ve missed your window for earthquake sex. You’d have to already be having sex when the earthquake hit, and of course earthquakes are almost impossible to predict, so your best bet is to just be fucking ALL THE TIME. Then when it finally hits mid-sex and your lover is like, “Oh my God, an earthquake!” you can be all, “That ain’t no earthquake, baby.”

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Oh wearer of flashy man panties,
FF: So I have the 7th pick in a 12 team league that seemed to favor QBs pretty heavily last year with 6 point passing TDs, lots of different bonuses for high yardage, etc. Last year the 4 playoff teams had Vick, Manning, Brady and Rodgers. I feel like I’m in an area where based on projections and rankings I should consider taking either Vick or Rodgers, because I know QBs are important in this league, but I still feel they’re slightly overvalued.

Really? Do I need to read you back the part of your question where the four playoff teams had four of the five best fantasy quarterbacks last year?

Last year after picking Ray Rice 6th Brady, Manning, Brees, and Rodgers went in consecutive picks, I passed on a QB with my 2nd, and then Rivers, Romo, and Schaub were gone.

Yeah no shit. That’s what happens in the second round. People draft Philip Rivers.

I ended up with a late round Eli-Flacco platoon that obviously didn’t work out so well. So my question is do I stick with my gut and let them overvalue QBs and go for best available with RBs, or am I undervaluing the QB?

Were you dropped a lot as a child? Eat a lot of paint chips? I’d like some kind of explanation for why you laid out an argument for drafting an excellent quarterback early, then stated that you would prefer to stick with the reasoning that gave you Eli Manning and Joe Flacco as your quarterbacks.

People: if you’re in a league that gives quarterbacks six points for passing TDs, one of your first two picks should be on a top-tier QB.

S: This is more of a quality of sex question. So my wife has been talking to me about her getting a breast lift and/or implants for about a year now. They’ve always been pretty damn big(D-DDish) and after 2 kids, they’re admittedly a little less impressive than they once were. She’s brought it up around friends and they all think it’s an awesome idea and that I’d be crazy not to want it. Apparently I’m the only guy or Earth that think fake tits are disgusting looking. Also, I’ve dated a girl that had a lift-reduction done and although she’s didn’t get butchered by any means, the scars were kind of jarring to look at. Am I a jerk for not wanting her to do it for purely selfish reasons?

I apologize for keeping it so short, feel free to add in a drawn out story about a lingering divorce and/or long distance relationship.
-Johnboy

First of all, YOU CRAZY. But I’ll try to separate my disagreement with your position from my advice.

You’re not a jerk. If you’ve told your wife that you love her body the way it is and that you don’t find implants aesthetically pleasing, you’ve done your due diligence as a husband by being both honest and supportive (of the way she looks, if not of the surgery). You have a say in the surgery in terms of the family’s finances (assuming she doesn’t have a separate “new tits fund”) and because you’re the man who sees her naked body and (ideally) gets turned on by it. But you also need to respect that it’s her body and that she might feel happier and sexier if she gets the procedure. Have you really asked her about her thought process (and listened to it)? Or have you just been saying “NO I DON’T LIKE FAKE TITS AND THIS OTHER GIRL I DATED HAD SCARS”?

Lemme put it this way. Does your wife ever come into the room holding two tops and ask you which one she should wear? And when you say, “Ummm, the blue one one,” because the blue one makes her tits look great, she just looks unhappy and puts the black one on instead? That’s because she’s feeling bloated and she feels skinnier in the black one, even though you think she looks great and have no possible way of knowing that she’s feeling fat. She knew all along that she was going to wear the black shirt; she was just hoping for some validation from you.

She’s going to do what she wants to do, and you’re going to love her just the same.

**********

Dear Caveman,
In exchange for answering my questions, I have donated $25 to KSK cares this year. I could offer images of tits and such, or I could help provide tits to the child of a soldier (after all, that’s what college is all about AMIRIGHT?)

Sex – Probably the first one to write in who actually MEANT to knock up the woman he’s banging. Two questions for this situation – I am totally right to insist on having the sex of the child be a surprise right? Finding out in a stodgy technicians office infront of a monitor is WAY less exciting that having a kid shoot out of a blood bath after 9 months of anticipation and then the doctor announces to everyone your kid’s a boy/girl. How do I convince the human-incubator this is the way to go?

I’m behind you 100%. As my sister put it the first time she was pregnant, “There are so few genuine surprises in the world.”

Of course, that kind of simple, pleasant thought isn’t enough for many women. Put it to her like this: say you find out you’re going to have a daughter. At the baby shower, every fucking gift is going to be pink. Pink onesies, pink rattles, pink cups, fucking pink everything. It’s going to look like an episode of “Toddlers & Tiaras.” No thanks.

By the way, how come people never dress their babies in black? Everyone looks good in black. Why not babies?

FF – Had my main league draft last weekend, and Jamaal Charles dropped to #10, for which I traded my #2 and #3 round picks to the guy sitting at 10 to grab Charles. I was mocked mercilessly, so I have to ask, was this dumb? It has caused me to be completely devoid of a Tight End since I used my picks early, any suggestions there?

Had you already picked in the first round? Because if you have Adrian Peterson or Chris Johnson AND Jamaal Charles, you’re probably still doing okay for yourself. Maybe a 2nd- and 3rd-rounder is a little steep for Charles, but I’d have to see the rest of your roster before I called it an out-and-out bad trade.

**********

Greetings Caveman,
I hope you are well on this fine summer’s evening. I’ll try to keep this as brief as possible.

Starting with football, I’m the commissioner of a 10 team league. The managers in this league are friends from my hometown, and I don’t see them or talk to them every day. Several of them can be flighty and forgetful to say the least. We have a draft scheduled online for this Sunday, and I wanted to get your idea on the proper etiquette for reminding them that this thing is going down. On one hand, I don’t want to be naggy about making sure they remember. On the other, I don’t want 5 people to miss the draft and have the league be a complete joke. How many times should I remind them between then and now, to ensure some kind of happy medium between those two scenarios?

What are they, six years old? Send out a group email.

Sex: I’m a senior in college right now. At the end of my sophomore year, I began to fall for one of my closest friends here at school. We had crazy good chemistry and she was constantly hitting on me. She had a long distance boyfriend at the time and we were both going abroad for junior year so I didn’t make any kind of move. We both went abroad and didn’t communicate all that much (when we did, she initiated it), so I think we both kind of moved on and forgot about each other.

Now we’re both back from overseas and kind of discovering that that attraction and chemistry is still there. She’s single now, and I want to take this to the next level, but there’s another roadblock. My roommate and best friend had a huge crush on this girl when we were freshmen, but it never worked out because she had a boyfriend (I don’t know if she was actually interested in my friend or not). Now that she’s back at school and single, he has suddenly rediscovered his feelings for her. He seems to think that something will happen between them, and doesn’t seem to see that she’s not interested. He also doesn’t seem to notice that she and I have really hit it off and doesn’t know that I like her, or at least he hasn’t said anything if he has noticed. I never told him about my feelings for her before, because I figured her and I

she and I

weren’t going anywhere. It seemed like an unnecessary source of tension to introduce between us, given their past.

So basically it looks like I’m going to have to wait until he gets over her and moves on before I can make a move. That’s essentially the decision I have made, because making a move would be betraying him, poisoning my home situation, and potentially splintering my group of friends. I don’t want to fuck up my senior year, but I also don’t want to let this amazing girl slip through my fingers. Am I making the right decision? Is there a better way to handle this?

My apologies, I know this is too long for your taste. Thank you for bringing light to the darkness.
Sincerely,
Non-confrontational Nathan

You young people with all your unsaid feelings and heartache. Your email reads like a show on the CW.

Let her be the one to tell your buddy she’s not interested in him. Once he knows that she’s not interested, he’ll be more accepting of his friend dating her. Don’t spend your last year of college pining for someone you can’t have because your dickhead friend is cockblocking you. Bullshit. Go turn that pussy out.

**********

Dear KSK,
Fantasy first: 0.5 PPR league, everything else pretty standard. I have Jennings, Fitzgerald, Witten, and Vernon Davis on my team. Don’t ask – we have a keeper league and it was a weird draft this year. Another guy covets Witten. I want to offer him Witten and Jennings for Andre Johnson. I’m picking up about 20 points with the upgrade to Johnson, and dropping 30 or so with Davis as my TE, plus I free up a roster spot to grab a sleeper who wasn’t drafted. Am I paying too much?

Pull the trigger. Andre Johnson is the shit.

Relationships last (sorry about the length, I tried to include only the pertinent info).

Dated my next door neighbor’s daughter last year for about 4 months (she was living with her parents at the time). She bailed because she said she couldn’t handle commitment. Just about killed me, as I was the exact opposite – on the night that she dumped me I had planned on telling her I loved her, which hadn’t happened in a very long time for me. We remained friends, however, as running into her every day would have been really awkward if we hadn’t, plus I really do like her as a person. (I put the Caveman post-dump plan in motion and have dropped 60 pounds since, which isn’t germane to the story, but thanks for the idea on that).

3 months later she met a guy. A month after that he got a job in Hawaii, and started flying her over there every month. In October, he asked her to come live with him. She was on the fence until I did my best version of Rick from Casablanca and told her that she would regret it for the rest of her life if she didn’t go. She did, at the end of December. They got engaged in July, and married in August on some impossibly beautiful Hawaiian beach. And, of course, for the reception, they’ll be holding it at next door to me on the afternoon of the 18th (week 2 of the season) during what I’m calling Victory Lap 2011. Of course, because I’m a good neighbor, I’ve been invited.

The rough part is that I never got over her, or at least the idea of her, especially how she went from being afraid of feelings to married within the course of 15 months. On top of that, the thought of her living on a tropical island living this ideal life drives me insane. Yes, I have consulted a therapist, and have basically stayed out of contact as much as possible as a way of coping with it. Really not an option in this circumstance.

That weekend’s slate of games have a big rivalry for my team, and I had planned on drinking more than is wise. I have several options, and all of them have their strong points.
1. Hire an escort for the reception who is hotter than my ex. Lots of problems with this idea.
2. Get extra drunk, stop by the reception for a few minutes to make nice, then back to my house for hours of drinking until I am insensate. Could cause neighbor-neighbor problems.
3. Get mildly drunk, gut out the reception, and say nice things, then back for the drinking, etc.
4. Lay off the booze, sack up, and wish my friend well, no matter how much it kills me inside, then spend hours in the fetal position.

2 and 3, of course, carry the risk of me blurting out something inappropriate, but I don’t know if I can get through the day on my own intestinal fortitude. Which one would you pick?
Signed -
Get her out of my head

How about 5. Don’t go. Who gives a shit? Make other plans. Watch the game somewhere else. Fuck being a good friend. She’s married and you’re never going to fuck her again, so why do you need to be friends with her? Why does she need to be friends with you? She has a husband who takes care of all her needs.

Let’s clear something up. THAT GIRL NEVER HAD A PROBLEM WITH COMMITMENT. That’s what people say when they just don’t want to date someone. She didn’t like you. You’re not right for her. There is no conceivable history in which you and this girl might have ended up together, because she didn’t like you enough to date you except when she was living with her parents and you were convenient.

So why the fuck waste time with being heartbroken? Why would you want to be with someone who would never love you?

Get on with your life, dummy. Skip the reception and go meet some new girls.

This week, KSK is raising money for the Special Operations Warrior Fund through Matt Ufford’s Fight Gone Bad effort. Donate here. For more information, go here.

The Federal Highway Commission has ruled Peyton Hillis unsafe for highway or city driving.

Video via Shutdown Corner.

This week, KSK is raising money for the Special Operations Warrior Fund through Matt Ufford’s Fight Gone Bad effort. Donate here. For more information, go here.

Pop culture is awash in anthropomorphism. Animals talk. Inanimate objects talk (BRAVE LITTLE TOASTER 4EVA!). Ghosts talk. God talks. Even parts of the human body that aren’t supposed to talk, talk. If you lived on TV, you’d never be lonely because anything you could think of would constantly be talking to you. Which is why living on TV is probably fairly unpleasant.

But it would be nice if you could converse with something other than a person, because people are depressing at best and super depressing at worst. And talking to technology is no fun either. I make myself hoarse yelling at the bitch who lives inside my GPS.

So it would be nice to give an animal species the ability to talk. Not in the parrot sense, where they can only mimic the sound of a few words, but full-blown speech. At first I thought to make it an individual animal, but then somebody would just hog Harvey The Vocalizing Ibex all to himself. Let’s make it an entire animal species. Humans would be endlessly fascinated by any animal capable of speech, for no better reason than animals revel in the base instincts that humans try so hard to suppress or sublimate into sports passion. There might be sweeping ramifications. If nothing else, it would at least make for some good one-liners.

Your picks in the comments. I’ll get you started with honey badgers, who obviously have the dry, cool wit needed to be an action hero.

Phew! Shaving seizures are ESPECIALLY dangerous.

“The fingers you have used to tweet are too fat. To obtain a special typing wand, please mash the keyboard with your palm now.”

(more on Patterson at With Leather)

Ahoy-hoy. Before we get into today’s submissions, a couple reminders:

1. A lot of mailbags recently have been a little thin in the submissions department. Be sure to email us with your sex and/or fantasy football questions so that the only thing I do around here remains robust and worthwhile.

And 2. As the picture above indicates, I stress again that I am neither a fantasy football expert nor a licensed therapist. I’m just a dude who’s made a boatload of mistakes with the opposite sex.

So yes, this mailbag is both thin and slightly amateurish today, as I was preoccupied this week compiling the twenty most punchable faces on TV. A pity that the mailbag suffers because of it, but well worth it in the long run, I think. Let’s dig in.

Dear Cave0,
Fantasy Football: Who would you consider un-tradeable this upcoming coming season?

Nobody. Everyone’s tradeable — it just comes down to price. Aaron Rodgers might be the best fantasy quarterback in the game, but I’d probably trade him if some lunatic offered me Arian Foster and Calvin Johnson, you know?

Sex (If you wanna call it that): I’ve been single for a little over a year now after a horrible 2 year relationship. In the past year, many things have gotten better in my life since I started focusing on myself more and started running, went back to school, found a part time job etc… all in all, I’m in a much better place now. The way I see it, a lot of this can be attributed to me not having a girl to spend all that boyfriend time with which was a huge waste of time during that failed relationship. So with that, I have not been looking for a relationship and as anyone guy can point out, that’s usually when all the girls seem to want you most. So anyways, I met this girl through a girl I work with and she’s beautiful and we hit it off from the first night we talked and she’s really into me. Now the problem is I seem to be not into her as much after I’ve seen how much she’s into me. Is this because I’m just hesitating from any type of relationship because I don’t want to be in a bad one again, or is it the girl herself? I’ve made it clear to this girl that I have many things in my life (like my studying, exercise, guys time etcc..) that I’m not going to change drastically just because I met her. And the one thing that is worrying is she would gladly text me throughout the day if I don’t say something like “hey, gotta do such and such, I’ll text u later babe” and leave her for a few hours, usually because I really am busy with something. I don’t want to be selfish and get into a relationship that my heart is not fully into, but at the same time, I don’t want to do anything drastic like cut it off with her because I think something is there between us and she is long term material and the opposite of my Ex in so many ways for the better. So my question is, how do I know if I’m not into this girl that much because of her, or is it because I’m just scared to go back into a relationship and don’t want to fuck with the good things in my life?
Thanks for the help, -
Appreciative reader

Dear sweet mother of Jesus, that was one long-winded paragraph. When I finished reading it, my brain leapt out of my skull to gasp for air.

Anyway, a lot of things have to line up for a relationship to work out. It’s not just about meeting the right person — it’s about meeting the right person at the right time. And both people have to feel the same way and be in the right mindset for it to work. I can look back on every fizzled relationship I’ve ever had and easily pick out the missing component: women who blindsided me with a breakup (I was either the wrong person, or the timing wasn’t right for her); a year I wasted with someone who was controlling and distrustful largely because she entered my life when I was ready to have a girlfriend; and several perfectly nice, smart, attractive women where I flaked because I wasn’t mentally ready to commit to a relationship.

That’s what your situation sounds like to me — possibly the right person, but she came into your life at the wrong time. Or hell, maybe she’s just not the right person. You probably won’t know which it is until you break it off with her, then see her two months later looking super-hot at some party and holding another guy’s hand. You’ll either think, “Good for her!” or “FUCK FUCK FUCK! WHAT WAS I THINKING?” Either way, if you’re communicating your feelings honestly and not leading her on, you’re doing the right thing for the moment.

**********

Dear Popular Purveyor of Apoplexy,
Don’t have much on the sex issue. Good/healthy relationship with a hot, successful chick. If only she brought hot 20 year old girls home on the reg, it would be heaven.

Wait, “on the reg”? Does that mean that she only occasionally brings home hot 20-year-old girls? That’s what I’m going to choose to believe.

Fantasy Football is why I’m here. I’ve got a major decision to make, but first, a little background on the league I’m discussing is necessary. It’s a rather complex, 10 team, auction draft, dynasty league, allowing keepers, and (our subject today) pre/during draft trades. All the managers pay attention, are very active, and we have a lengthy league constitution and rule book to deal with pretty much any issues that would arise.

The draft is a $100 auction, followed by an S draft during which you can fill out any remaining roster spots. The only tweak on the S-draft is that it is done by reverse order of when each manager ran out of auction money (thus if you pay $20 each for 5 players, and are out first, you’ll be waiting a long time before you get to look at a 6th player). This works well in motivating teams to keep to the $100 budget, but allows for experimentation by risk-prone managers. You can keep up to 2 players from your previous draft, but those two players will cost you their previous draft price, plus $8. Thus, you only want to keep highly skilled players that you got at a bargain the year prior.

I also note just as advice to other leagues that we do waiver bidding ($100 budget for the season, blind bids every Wednesday), and have a rotating commissioner situation, so everyone that wants to can be the man for a season. We are about to (hopefully) start year 5. I won last year, in large part due to drafting McCoy ($15) and Foster ($13) for reasonable bargains (Petersen went for $37), and picking up Vick late in the supplemental S-draft (same value as FA=$1). So, obviously I’m keeping Foster, who will be a great value. My choice between Vick and McCoy seems like a no-brainer – take Vick at $9, because he was the highest scoring QB last year, and should be top 5 again (top 5 usually go for 15-25). Feel free to give any commentary on choosing Vick over McCoy in the second keeper spot, because McCoy too should be worth his keeper value at $23.

However, my question is as follows: I have put out feelers to each of the other managers about their interest in Vick. Here’s how that would work under our rules: I keep him for $9, taking up one of my keeper spots, then prior to the start of the auction, trade him to another manager for $X, I would then start the auction with $100 + $X – $9 to bid on players in the draft. I’m thinking that Vick is a bit of a risk, with his injury prone style, and one hit wonder track record. I’ve got one offer so far for over $20 on Vick – do I snap this up? I’d start the draft with the difference between my keeper cost on vick, $9 and that offer, let’s say $23 just for the sake of it. An extra $14 in the draft is huge in this league, considering the budget. So, should I keep Vick and actually keep him, or keep him and pre-draft trade him while the iron is hot and his value is up?
Thanks,
Convoluted League Idiot Trader

I was told there would be no math.

**********

I’m not feeling an original and witty greeting… so hey,
I’d like to start with football. I am in a 12-team four-keeper league in which I was undefeated all year, but lost in the semi-final. I had the first pick and took Johnson with it, and I was lucky enough to grab Arian Foster late in the draft, as the news had just recently broken out about Ben Tate and his expected draft position hadn’t yet been changed. I also picked up Michael Vick. So three of my keepers are definitely going to be CJ, Foster, and Vick, but the fourth is the one where I’m a bit stumped on who to decide. I also have Josh Freeman, Marques Colston, and Wes Welker. I obviously wouldn’t consider Freeman unless I thought I could get the best trade value for him, since I already have a better QB and I usually use the last few rounds of the draft to pick up a backup. I’m not sure which of those three will carry the most value though, what do you think?

Because I’m white and play in a PPR league, my first inclination is to say Welker. But I’m going to fight my racist urges and say Colston on account of him getting in the end zone more, which may or may not be true. I don’t really feel like looking it up.

And then the other thing… so I’ve been going out with a girl for a few months. We’re both 25 and she’s smoking hot. And she’s always up for sex whenever I want it. And it’s fucking good sex. I really like her personality… at times. One side of her is sweet, with a really good sense of humor. She and I have a lot in common; we both love sports and have the same taste in music and movies (she’d rather watch Caddyshack than something like The Notebook or other generic chick flicks that I’d dislike having to sit through), it’s always easy to make conversation, and we both can make each other really happy. She’s easily the best girl I’ve ever been with when she’s like that.

But?

But… she’s an emotional mess at times. She’s a bipolar schizophrenic with a terrible history of abusive boyfriends, mother, and stepfathers, and her past really haunts her.

Yikes, stepfathers. Plural. That can’t be good.

She sees things in her mind and I often have to calm her down and stop her from hurting herself. Sometimes she lashes out at me for something minor when she gets angry, although later on she’ll start sobbing and apologize to me a thousand times hoping I won’t leave her. Obviously, she’s very needy and I am a very patient man and thought I could handle anything when she told me about this, but it’s getting to be a bit much. I really like this girl and perhaps even love her, but her problems make her quite a handful, and the cons clearly outweigh the pros. And yet I really care for her and I keep thinking that if I leave her who knows what she’ll do to herself. What do you think is the best thing to do in this situation?
- C.C.

One word: THERAPY. Therapy for her, and maybe couples therapy for the both of yas. You can’t — and shouldn’t — be the sole anchor tethering her to the world. She seems to recognize that she has problems, which means should be willing to try to get better in order to be a better girlfriend to you. And most importantly, you should want to stay with her because you very much like/maybe love her — not because you’re afraid she’ll slit her wrists if you leave. A relationship should be two people working together for mutual happiness, not one person carrying the other through life.

And while I think you should give therapy a go and try to help her improve her mental state, I’ll also reiterate a common refrain in the mailbag: just because you’re in love with someone does not mean that they’re the right person for you.

**********

Cap’n-
A question on sexy time, Polyamory edition: About three months ago, I started dating a wonderful woman. We get along fabulously, share plenty of common interests, and the sex is fantastic. Moreover, we’re both busy, strong-willed, independent people in our late twenties, so there’s little danger of us turning into that annoying (and, in my humble opinion, patently unhealthy) couple that has to do absolutely everything together. In short, these few months have been excellent. Last week, she informed me that she has been seeing someone else.

That’s bad.

I can’t say I found it all that surprising. She’s a knockout, we hadn’t broached the subject of exclusivity, and while I can’t say the thought hadn’t crossed my mind, I’d done a fairly good job of not dwelling on it. She’d left a long relationship in January and so my plan has been to let things develop organically (they have) and, despite an intense desire to girlfriend the hell out of this woman, to give her whatever space and time as she needed (I have) to sort things out. This plan seems to have worked well enough because she went on to tell me that earlier in the day she had ended things with the other party on account of her feelings for me.

That’s good!

She then explains that while she’s quite smitten, she wishes to retain the right to see other people, should the opportunity arise.

That’s bad.

Now, the last thing I am is puritanical about people’s sex lives, provided they are always honest with their partners. Also, my life over the past few years — I had an engagement go to shit and, until the lady in question, hadn’t come across anyone with whom I felt at ease — could best be described as polyamorous, so telling her that I find this arrangement unacceptable smacks of hypocrisy, does it not? The trouble is, having this conversation with her has rendered clear what should have been blindingly conspicuous: the notion of her with another man has evolved from ignored possibility, to mild irritant, to unacceptable certainty. And now I have this sinking feeling that just as I’m exiting a phase of my life that, while great fun, had grown rather vacant and unfulfilling, she, a serial monogamist for many years, is just getting started. I’m not interested in exercising some reptilian-brained impulse and throwing down the gauntlet of, “It’s either me or the greater New York Metro Area. Pick.” And she needs to do what she thinks will make her happy. To that end, I suppose my question is this: Do I continue to see this woman in hopes that, just as with her kicking the “other guy” to the curb, her feelings for me prompt her to realize that we’re good together, have a great shot at making each other pretty damn happy, and it’s worth pursuing in the exclusive manner I would prefer? For what it’s worth, our discussion of exclusivity last week did have a recognizable “I’m just not sure if I’m ready yet” ring to it. Or, am I just bullshitting myself into believing I’m not the next “other guy” in-the-making?

Ahhhh, I like it when mailbag questions come together in a common theme: it sounds to me like she found the right guy at the wrong time.

Me, I’d rather bite the bullet and take a loss like a man than live with conditions I find unacceptable, and it sounds to me like you feel the same way. I’d say something along the lines of, “Hey, I’m really into you, and as much as I wanted to take things slow and let them develop organically, I’m really only interested in a monogamous relationship with you. So if you have to date other people, I understand — but I don’t want to be with you unless I’m ONLY with you, and vice versa.” Maybe showing that kind of backbone will make her commit to you, or maybe you’re not going to like the decision she makes. But that allows you to at least know that you followed your heart and your conscience in speaking honestly. It’s better to sleep alone than to lay awake next to someone, wondering who might have been there the night before.

On FF: Professional football is pretty much the only entity about which I am relentlessly superstitious. During the lockout this has manifested itself as a deep and powerful reluctance to talk about anything related to the NFL. In lieu of a fantasy question, I give you a picture of Alison Bree that you’ve probably seen 100 times. Were there any way that any picture of Alison Bree could ever get old, I would apologize for the repetition.
Thanks, Sean

First of all, it’s Alison Brie, not Bree. It’s important to be respectful in our celebrity obsessions. But thank you: you’re quite correct that Alison Brie pictures never get old, and I appreciate you sending such a nice high-res image (you can click it for the larger version).

Speaking of high-res Alison Brie images, you can see her and “Community” co-star Gillian Jacobs S&M-ing it in lingerie up here. Today is a good day.

“It’s all in the game, though, right?”

The Washington Post‘s resident Dithering Dairy Nebbish Dan Steinberg has been subpoenaed as part of Dan Snyder’s campaign against the media’s heinous tendency toward afflicting the comforted and vice versa. This all because Steinz had the gall to link to Dave McKenna’s now-infamous list of reasons why Snyder is, if I may paraphrase, a gigatwat. Not that Snyder himself has done more to publicize the piece more than a million D.C. Sports Bog links ever could. Anyway, according to my interpretation of court papers (POSSIBLY MADE FROM TREES CUT TO CLEAR A VIEW OF THE POTOMAC RIVER – WE’LL NEVER KNOW!) sent from Snyder to WaPo, I believe the Redskins owner wishes to ascertain the truth as to whether Snyder and McKenna are, in fact, a Leopold and Loeb-like tandem of killers who wish to target only NFL owners possessing a height of 4′ 8″ or shorter.

Let us be the first to clear the air. Steinberg and McKenna are not “in league” with one another. They fell prey, as many in the media often do, to our habit of trapping them in a bedroom and flipping the light switch on and off while shouting “DAN SNYDER FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT”

Artist rendering

So, you see, all this Snyder-bashing is completely the fault of the folks here at KSK. Unless you wish to pursue legal action, in which case, this is just a stupid post written by a raving insensate derelict and completely devoid of merit, which isn’t really that far from the truth. Plus, it’s all cool because we’re a satire site. If Snyder’s journo pappy caught him up sufficiently on libel law, Danny should know that as a public figure that he’s fair game to unbelievably cruel ridicule as long as we don’t present it as the truth. Ipso fucko.

[Re-reads handy satire libel checklist before posting]
[Changes all references to Sam Blyder]