It’s actually called the Bravo Sports Blacktop 360 Premium Party Hub Grill (concise!), and it’s your Unnecessary Purchase of the Week (Uncrate via reader Randy). This bad boy of tailgating does it all, from frying up wings to searing steaks at 650 degrees inches away. That seems very safe, and I’ll happily put that theory to the test if they send me a free one (eh? ehhh?).
On to the picks!
Last week: 7-7
Overall: 61-63-2
During the Sunday Night Football Night In Redundancy Night pregame show, Bart Scott dubbed himself “The Mad Backer” which is just about as stupid a nickname as the “T-Sizzle” moniker belonging to former teammate and tonight’s opponent, Terrell Suggs. Not to be outdone, Terrell Suggs did what he does in preparation of any big game – he resorted to TEE SHIRT TRASH TALK! DOWN WITH HOMEWORK! DONE WITH HOMEWORK!
Ha ha, it’s so funny until you realize Bart Scott gets paid royalties on those shirts. (UPDATE: or not.)
Anyway, these two teams played a painfully sloppy game in Week 1 last year, so let’s hope for something just a little more watchable this go-round. Also, the swift end of Ray Lewis’ playing career. Not asking for much, here.
Do you like injuries? Well then, friend, you’re weird. But you are also in the right place. Tonight’s menu features the Giants and the Rams, two teams who are ravaged with injuries and trying to avoid the dreaded 0-2 start.
The Rams will reportedly be without Steven Jackson, so hopefully you’re like me and you are counting on 35 points from Cadillac Williams tonight. You never know, weird sh*t has been happening. He could conceivably turn in to Marshall Faulk for a night. Tony Romo led a comeback yesterday. Weird sh*t.
Things are a bit more upbeat on the Giants side. Albert Breer indicates that both Justin Tuck and Hakeem Nicks will be active.
In other news, I’m going to be writing twice a week over at Washingtonian. Your readership would be appreciated. In my first effort I use the word “spurts” when writing about Rex Grossman.
(image via)
ONE WEEK UNTIL THE NFL SEASON STARTS, PEOPLE. By this time next week, we’ll be getting ready for the kickoff of Saints versus Packers. I am tumescent with anticipation.
Quick KSK Kares update, and then we’ll get to your questions. Yesterday’s top donor was Troy W., who donated $585. Hot damn, Troy. That would have been an awesome night at a strip club. I really appreciate you giving that money to the Special Operations Warrior Fund. Email me and I’ll send you that Rodgers jersey, or something else if you don’t like Aaron Rodgers. Today’s top donor will get… I dunno. I’m tired. Something awesome, like a signed copy of Drew’s book and some other stuff. I’ll figure it out tomorrow. In the meantime, please keep the donations coming. Y’all still haven’t earned the jean shorts.
Your questions:
The Federal Highway Commission has ruled Peyton Hillis unsafe for highway or city driving.
Video via Shutdown Corner.
This week, KSK is raising money for the Special Operations Warrior Fund through Matt Ufford’s Fight Gone Bad effort. Donate here. For more information, go here.
Pop culture is awash in anthropomorphism. Animals talk. Inanimate objects talk (BRAVE LITTLE TOASTER 4EVA!). Ghosts talk. God talks. Even parts of the human body that aren’t supposed to talk, talk. If you lived on TV, you’d never be lonely because anything you could think of would constantly be talking to you. Which is why living on TV is probably fairly unpleasant.
But it would be nice if you could converse with something other than a person, because people are depressing at best and super depressing at worst. And talking to technology is no fun either. I make myself hoarse yelling at the bitch who lives inside my GPS.
So it would be nice to give an animal species the ability to talk. Not in the parrot sense, where they can only mimic the sound of a few words, but full-blown speech. At first I thought to make it an individual animal, but then somebody would just hog Harvey The Vocalizing Ibex all to himself. Let’s make it an entire animal species. Humans would be endlessly fascinated by any animal capable of speech, for no better reason than animals revel in the base instincts that humans try so hard to suppress or sublimate into sports passion. There might be sweeping ramifications. If nothing else, it would at least make for some good one-liners.
Your picks in the comments. I’ll get you started with honey badgers, who obviously have the dry, cool wit needed to be an action hero.
Phew! Shaving seizures are ESPECIALLY dangerous.
“The fingers you have used to tweet are too fat. To obtain a special typing wand, please mash the keyboard with your palm now.”
(more on Patterson at With Leather)
Ahoy-hoy. Before we get into today’s submissions, a couple reminders:
1. A lot of mailbags recently have been a little thin in the submissions department. Be sure to email us with your sex and/or fantasy football questions so that the only thing I do around here remains robust and worthwhile.
And 2. As the picture above indicates, I stress again that I am neither a fantasy football expert nor a licensed therapist. I’m just a dude who’s made a boatload of mistakes with the opposite sex.
So yes, this mailbag is both thin and slightly amateurish today, as I was preoccupied this week compiling the twenty most punchable faces on TV. A pity that the mailbag suffers because of it, but well worth it in the long run, I think. Let’s dig in.
The Washington Post‘s resident Dithering Dairy Nebbish Dan Steinberg has been subpoenaed as part of Dan Snyder’s campaign against the media’s heinous tendency toward afflicting the comforted and vice versa. This all because Steinz had the gall to link to Dave McKenna’s now-infamous list of reasons why Snyder is, if I may paraphrase, a gigatwat. Not that Snyder himself has done more to publicize the piece more than a million D.C. Sports Bog links ever could. Anyway, according to my interpretation of court papers (POSSIBLY MADE FROM TREES CUT TO CLEAR A VIEW OF THE POTOMAC RIVER – WE’LL NEVER KNOW!) sent from Snyder to WaPo, I believe the Redskins owner wishes to ascertain the truth as to whether Snyder and McKenna are, in fact, a Leopold and Loeb-like tandem of killers who wish to target only NFL owners possessing a height of 4′ 8″ or shorter.
Let us be the first to clear the air. Steinberg and McKenna are not “in league” with one another. They fell prey, as many in the media often do, to our habit of trapping them in a bedroom and flipping the light switch on and off while shouting “DAN SNYDER FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT”
So, you see, all this Snyder-bashing is completely the fault of the folks here at KSK. Unless you wish to pursue legal action, in which case, this is just a stupid post written by a raving insensate derelict and completely devoid of merit, which isn’t really that far from the truth. Plus, it’s all cool because we’re a satire site. If Snyder’s journo pappy caught him up sufficiently on libel law, Danny should know that as a public figure that he’s fair game to unbelievably cruel ridicule as long as we don’t present it as the truth. Ipso fucko.
[Re-reads handy satire libel checklist before posting]
[Changes all references to Sam Blyder]
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