One of Peter King’s Tryout Guys, Andrew Sweat, an undrafted linebacker from Ohio State, said that rather than report to camp with the Browns and risk possibly dealing with a lifetime of lingering concussion issues, Sweat instead is going to law school. More troubling fallout from the Junior Seau suicide or is it simply the best way to dodge having to play for the Browns ever? It’s only a possibility because Peyton Hillis didn’t actually follow through with joining the CIA.

Deadspin’s Jack Dickey gave Sweat a bit of the ol’ snarky snark blogger grief, only for Sweat to respond directly, saying that he’s gonna do just fine as a lawyer ’cause he’s got a sweet-ass connect at his daddy’s law firm. Just spitballing here, but I’m gonna ahead and guess that he ends up being commissioner one day.

The episode reminds me of the Scott Sicko story from two years back, in which an undrafted tight end turned down contracts from five teams because he said he wanted to pursue his Master’s. Sportswriters muscled each other like shoppers on Black Friday to suck him off for the decision. Then, Sicko proceeded to change his mind and sign with the Cowboys days later. I can only hope this plays out similarly.

Based on the vomit-soaked poop kabobs the Dolphins have rolled out at quarterback over the last few years, it comes as no surprise that they have been in the market for a new signal caller. Former second round pick Chad Henne doesn’t appear to be a long-term solution, so the team set its sights on some of the top prospects at the position in this year’s draft. Unfortunately, they ended up with the 8th overall pick, meaning highly-touted quarterbacks Andrew Luck and Robert Griffin III would be long gone, and they would have to choose from the next level of players, including eventual pick Ryan Tannehill. Well DON’T YOU WORRY, Dolphins fans, GM Jeff Ireland has some good news for you: he thinks Tannehill is just as good as that RGIII guy.

While the Dolphins move to draft Ryan Tannehill with the No. 8 pick was predictable for Miami — though it wasn’t given great reviews by observers — it seems that some of the fanbase, which has dwindled significantly, seems excited about the newest quarterback in Miami Gardens.

And Dolphins general manager Jeff Ireland can understand why. When comparing Tannehill and eventual No. 2 pick Robert Griffin III in the months leading up to the draft, he didn’t see much difference between the two.

“I didn’t see a huge separation between Griffin and Ryan at the time,” Ireland told Sports Illustrated’s Peter King. “I just didn’t see it.” [CBS Sports]

Other things Jeff Ireland doesn’t see a huge separation between:

- Kate Upton and Courtney Stodden
- “Mad Men” and “The Playboy Club”
- A bottle of Pappy Van Winkle and a bucket of week-old gasoline
- Jay-Z and Drake
- A Western omelette and an omelette stuffed with napkins
- Dogs and cats
- iPhones and Blackberrys
- The Dark Knight and Batman and Robin
- The Blue Haired Lawyer and Lionel Hutz
- The Grand Canyon and his buttcrack

And so on and so forth.

Day one of the NFL draft is over. All of those horrible mock drafts are more useless than ever, yet our mock drafts are every bit as relevant as ever (looking at you, hot sauce draft). Now turn things over to you, the commenter for the rest of the off-season. Every week we’ll provide a topic, and you fight it out in the comments to make the best possible selections. If you’re new to this, the idea is to make your pick, wait for at least ten more people to take their turn, then pick again if you’d like.

Read the rest of this entry »

Good news and bad news, folks. The good: the mailbag’s done early today! Yay!  The bad: the mailbag is slightly shorter than usual because of it. Sorry.

Nevertheless, I think we dig deep into a couple of good questions regarding cheating, drafting on the turn, a certain STD (read on to find out which one!), cutting ties with exes, and the worst case of “friend zone” I can ever remember answering (see the banner image for a preview). Let’s get into it.

Read the rest of this entry »

‘Bout to be another day of pearl-clutching over bounties up in… well, not here, since we view the media reaction as a mixture of knee-jerky bullsh*t and Saints schadenfreude, but probably everywhere else there will be that. The takeaway from the Gregggggg locker room audio isn’t that Gregg Williams is a bloodthirsty monster so much as he is a breathtakingly oblivious derptard.

What’s stunning though is the NFL was deep into its investigation of the Saints and had already contacted the team when Williams made a fiery speech to his players, audio of which was uncovered by Michael Silver of Yahoo! Sports via documentary filmmaker Sean Pamphilon, who was present for the meeting with cameras.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA What a stoop. Enjoy your future career in landscaping. For all the talk about Frank Gore, it might have made some sense to mention Vernon Davis more than once in his bounty checklist in retrospect. Famous unspoken last words, I guess. My favorite part is where Williams asks his players to target spectators. That’s just cartoonish supervillainy.

What are the odds that an enterprising YouTube mixologist has this autotuned by the end of the day? Even money? Is DJ Steve Porter still in that trade? Either way, no doubt that someone will be on it.

Saints players: AAAHHHHHH THE FINGER THING MEANS THE TAXES BOUNTIES

“Look out, Itchy, he’s Firish!”

Dolphins fans are understandably upset with the way the team’s offseason has gone, what with the team trading away its best offensive weapon while also failing to secure the services of any of the top-flight free agents targeted by Jeff Ireland. This is likely exacerbated by the team’s general awfulness over the last decade.

When disgruntled fans of any team have indignation to voice, options are limited, few of them dignified or effective. Basically, it boils down to holding protests outside team headquarters or putting up money for a billboard on the outskirts of town. Dolphins fans have elected to engage in the former. Today, as many as DOZENS of fans are camped out in front of Dolphins team HQ and, yes, sadly they have signs making reference to LeBron.

“Just to make sure, you’re not protesting the Trayvon Martin thing, right? Awesome. Carry on.”

Read the rest of this entry »

Some of you may have noticed that there’s been a recent uptick in posting and that most of those posts have been written by me. There is a reason for this. No, it is not “Christmas Ape is super jazzed about the off-season”. It is because I have taken over as full-time editor of KSK.

Before you start lighting things on fire, allow me to explain that no one is going anywhere. All the KSK writers will remain with the site and will continue to post about as much as they had been before. Ufford will still do the sexbag. Kogod will still be doing LOLNFL and Always Be Covering. Obviously, Drew is ceding Peter King bashing duties to me, but that’s been in effect for a few weeks now.

The biggest change for you, dear readers, is that there will be more content. More dick jokes is generally accepted as a good thing. For a while, KSK had been allowing some perfectly mockable things to pass by unmocked. We’d receive incredulous e-mails from readers asking, “I can’t believe you’re not gonna do anything on Miles Austin’s secret marriage to a 12-year-old Indonesian boy!” Sometimes, it was because a story was stupid and we didn’t feel like bothering with it, but more often, it was because we didn’t have the time or creative reserves. While there are five of us, each KSK writer has other commitments on his time. Ufford has SB Nation, Drew has Deadspin/Gawker/NBC/EntireInternet and Kogod has the Washingtonian as well as very important Wizards losses to attend. Flubby has a full-time job that I’m not at liberty to divulge, which is why he is still known as “Flubby” around these parts. (Just between us, he’s Joe Biden)

The site needed a guardian to ensure that dick jokes that needed to be made were being made. And that person, or rather that ape, will be me. A new, more robustly awesome KSK stands a better chance to flourish than the funny but scattershot KSK of old. As always, we appreciate your readership and aspire to reward it with the hilarious depravity you’ve come to expect from us. All Hail Krull Ape, and his glorious new regime.

Since the dawn of time man has yearned to gather their favorite Simpsons quotes in one place. This is the place, and the time is now. The internet has been flooded with all sorts of delightful Simpsons nostalgia this week, and it’s not because FOX is paying any of us. It’s because the 500th episode is about to air. No matter how you feel about the better part of the past couple of hundred, that’s a pretty awesome milestone.

Five years ago (!) we left it up to the commenters to draft individual episodes. This week we’re undertaking an even more difficult task: our favorite quotes. The draft order is as follows…

1. Unsilent Majority (D’oh)
2. Christmas Ape
3. Flubby
4. Big Daddy Drew
5. Captain Caveman

Read the rest of this entry »

It’s actually called the Bravo Sports Blacktop 360 Premium Party Hub Grill (concise!), and it’s your Unnecessary Purchase of the Week (Uncrate via reader Randy). This bad boy of tailgating does it all, from frying up wings to searing steaks at 650 degrees inches away. That seems very safe, and I’ll happily put that theory to the test if they send me a free one (eh? ehhh?).

On to the picks!

Last week: 7-7
Overall: 61-63-2

Read the rest of this entry »

During the Sunday Night Football Night In Redundancy Night pregame show, Bart Scott dubbed himself “The Mad Backer” which is just about as stupid a nickname as the “T-Sizzle” moniker belonging to former teammate and tonight’s opponent, Terrell Suggs. Not to be outdone, Terrell Suggs did what he does in preparation of any big game – he resorted to TEE SHIRT TRASH TALK! DOWN WITH HOMEWORK! DONE WITH HOMEWORK!

Ha ha, it’s so funny until you realize Bart Scott gets paid royalties on those shirts. (UPDATE: or not.)

Anyway, these two teams played a painfully sloppy game in Week 1 last year, so let’s hope for something just a little more watchable this go-round. Also, the swift end of Ray Lewis’ playing career. Not asking for much, here.