In the meantime, just look at Mary Louise Parker. LOOK AT HER!

via RoboShark

Gambling and gratuitous sexiness, quite possibly my favorite kind of mashup. Unless you count Usher and the goat. Which I do.

Alright, so it works a bit better on the Youtube Doubler site. But if you start the second video three seconds after the first one you’ll get the idea. I fucking love the internet.

Oh that’s right, I’m supposed to pick this week’s game. I’m told it’s a pretty big deal.

Earlier in the week we went over some of the prop bets, so all that’s left is to pick the spread and the point total. I may not like it, but I have to agree with Tony Dungy’s take on the game. That means I like the Colts to cover, with the total score going over. And yes, that would suck.

Here’s some additional sexiness to carry you through a long weekend. Her name is Gabriella Grecco, and she is ridiculous.

There’s more over at Fuck Yeah Brazilian Girls. Like this (NSFW). And be sure to keep up with Ollie for all of your meteorological needs throughout the snowmageddon.

Welcome to the latest edition of the KSK Fantasy Football/Sex Advice Mailbag, the only place on the internet to seek advice on your flex position as well as your sex positions. We have a lot to cover, so continue after the jump to dive in to all of the week’s best emails.

KSK-

Thanks,
KnockersKnocker

Ah tittyfucking, or as we’ve begun to call it, ( o )( o )love (not to be confused with ?uestlove). For starters, there is nothing particularly “freaky” about it. Remember, it’s not like you’re asking for something potentially painful like anal, or something weird like a footjob. If she does posses the ample bosom you claim (yet fail to back up with photographic evidence…asshole) then surely she’s used to men focusing their foreplay on the chestal region. Like with everything else in the bedroom, move things along slowly. Your best bet is to trick her with the old massage switcheroo. You start with her lying on her stomach, then convince her to roll over to get the full treatment. Be sure to apply the massage oil (crisco for our southern readers) liberally and then head straight for tittytown. Once she’s nice and oily begin to make your move. And remember, if she is offended just claim that you slipped, because hey, her tits are really fucking slippery.

Tell DMC to fuck off and pick up Jackson. Although I might just be fucking with you for saying that your weak ass keeper league is somehow more important than tits. I mean, where the fuck are your priorities?

Dear KSK overlords,

WishMeWell

Avoid Rongrastname tonight. It’s cold as fuck and it’s probably snowy and windy in that wasteland on the water. As for the sex, the minute you become a Craigslist sex troll is the minute every other woman on the planet loses any respect they may have had for you. But you know what, who the fuck really cares if women respect you? I mean come on, they’re only women. Do what you gotta do.

KSK,

Mike

Come on Mike, we need more information here! Has she hinted at interest in a 3way at any point in the past? Does she often comment on the sex appeal of women? She obviously doesn’t have experience with this kind of thing in the past if you are so sure of her immediate reaction, so you’ll have to tread carefully, unless of course you’re trying to get out of the wedding. In which case sir, I tip my cap to you for your creative breakup strategy (although as George Costanza knows, these things can backfire). How does she feel about strip clubs? That’s probably the easiest way to get the idea in her head. It will help if she’s drunk.

As for the fantasy, you have studs so play them. You didn’t draft Brian Westbrook so that you could bench him for Buckhalter down the stretch. He’s due for some solid performances. Obviously bench Jacobs if he isn’t going to play.

KSK-

Sully from Southie

ESPN must have shut down The Sports Guy’s mailbag, because we’ve been getting a bunch of these this week.

KSK,

Jess S.

Okay Jess, what you’re looking for is a glorious website called Women Doing Time. It’s a pay service to get you in touch with incarcerated women all over the country. The even have a great collection of prisoner profiles (although they don’t say what they’re in for, which is horseshit) that are a great read even especially if you’re happily married. God damn, I almost forgot how much I love that site. Of course you have to remember that these relationships can turn ugly (as ably demonstrated once again by Mssr. Costanza).

Here’s a rough idea of what you can expect from the site…

Play Lazerface over LazerRocketArm.

KSK-

- Officer Farva

Earlier I said that if you have Westbrook you might as well play him, but those are two pretty money backups. It all depends on how many you need in your lineup, and how much patience you have.

Never marry a woman who doesn’t understand your god given right to masturbate in a reasonable manner. As long as you aren’t jerking off out the window or doing the deed while staring at her hot little sister’s photostream on Flickr then there shouldn’t be any fucking problems. I suggest hitting her over the head with a liter of cola if she gets on you again.

Dear KSK,

- E

Some chicks dig scars. They’re called strippers and they have emotional problems. AJ can probably hook that up for you.

Hello KSK,
My girlfriend loves to do it doggie style, does that mean she can’t stand to look at my face while we’re having sex?

Steve Smith or Lee Evans?
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Yes. And because you didn’t specify which Steve Smith, you get nothing. Maybe your BlackBerry has the answers.

KSK-

Nolan

Why anyone would put up with Lee Evans is a fucking mystery. I have to assume you mean the Carolina Steve Smith, in which case I’d pair him with White, and Whitey or Gage.

As for your sexy question…no, I can’t say that I have. Sure, I’m used to seeing some pretty disturbing looking people on YouPorn and the likes, but never have I seen a man that has made me want to proclaim his masculine beauty for all internet to see. Of course there’s nothing wrong with it, especially if it enhances the clip’s viewability from your perspective. On a sidenote, can we talk about the girl in the scene? Because let me tell you, that looks to be one quality fuck right there.

KSK-

Addai or DeAngelo as my #2 rb?

Careful now, this is a very delicate situation. Women seem to have come to a consensus that all men like having their exits toyed with during foreplay no matter what they say or how much they object. I can’t prove it, but I’m 95% sure that Cosmo is to blame. They always are. Fuckers. Regardless, you can’t do anything to risk losing the gift that is the regular blowjob. Don’t worry, it doesn’t make you gay unless her finger is a dead ringer for a guy’s cock. If it’s really killing your experience you need to tell her you appreciate the effort, but you find it physically uncomfortable. Make sure to stress the word “physically” otherwise she’ll just assume it’s a mental hangup and she’ll keep doing it like Cosmo told her to. Fuckers.

Dear Jew,

Clueless in California

This one depends on the scoring system. Touchdown heavy league? Go with MJD, but don’t expect a lot of yards. If it’s a fairly balanced league I’d expect fairly similar results.

Oh and yes, you should be very concerned. Light your scrotum on fire and run, do not walk, to the nearest clinic. Then go get some medicinal weed to counteract the pain and be sure to ask if they have something special for your crotchrot. Method Man knows what’s up.

KSK-

-andy

I can’t believe that there isn’t a Some E Card to inform your friend that you just plowed his ex. That’s a serious oversight that they need to address. Play the Redskins defense and hope that MeAngelo, Horton, and Carlos can come up with some picks against the Hass.

Dear KSK,

With intensity,
Matt

Who the fuck can’t sleep after sex? Either pop a post-coital Tylenol PM or start drinking more. If one doesn’t work, try both. If you get credit for return yards you must start Leon.

Maj,

–M

This is an easy one. Just buy her something you want to see her in that you think she’d be willing to wear. Then take her out to dinner at setting where she can show it off. Nobody said this was going to come cheap. As for your receivers, you have an embarrassment of riches and your biggest problem is a hot girlfriend that doesn’t dress the way you’d like her to. So yeah, get fucked.

Thanks to all of you who submitted your questions, even the ones that were either deeply disturbing or far too misogynistic to post. We have standards you know! Now I have to go peruse that list of incarcerated pussy one more time.

“RRRuffles Have Ridges!”

It’s like she wants you to chain her up in your basement!

The all-too-rare cheerleader O face…

No matter what you did yesterday, Getty’s photographer in Denver had a better afternoon…

Oh, and as long as we’re focusing on Denver I feel I must personally dispel this popular new rumor that John McCain is a Raider fan. Not surprisingly this rumor is 100% false (mostly because nobody outside of Brad Gilbert has admitted to being a Raider fan in the past decade). As we have come to learn, McCain is in fact a fan of none other than the defending Super Bowl champion New York Giants.

I never knew McCain was such a fairweather fan. I guess this mean’s he’ll be voting Obama tomorrow morning.

We’ve sadly come to the final WHO YA GOT? until September and we’re left to wonder what can carry us across the seven-month void of no football. Likely it’s two activities that will never get old: maliciously glorying in the Greatest Choke Job of All-Time (tm 2007 New England Patriots, all rights reserved) or some good old-fashioned fucking, like yo mamma used to make. Which is better? Which will help us more to cope with the offseason? WHO YA GOT?

Not bad at all, but whether or not she’d have been worthy of enshrinement in the Friday Cheerleader Post is debatable. The olive-skinned nineteen year-old with the DNA of a Shah and the tits of a goddess was always hot but in the years since her “retirement” she’s moved on to full-fledged sexpot.

Now we’re getting somewhere.

As you can see Sarah has become a favorite of the magazine world. In addition to gracing the covers of fitness magazines she’s twice been named to the Maxim Hot 100 list. Not bad for somebody you’ve never heard of.

Holy fucknut, Batman!

More recently she’s transitioned from stationary spooge target to a rather legitimate actress, and now I really want to fuck her. Unfortunately I’m not the only one…

All that sexiness and the crucial drug connects? I may have to turn in my talis.

Believe it or not that was the very same Sarah Shahi from last week’s breakthrough episode of The Sopranos. Although she’s done quite a bit of acting in her past fucking Tony Soprano can immediately triple your Q rating. If you already knew Sarah before it was probably from her role in Showtime’s The L Word, a delightfully sexy show about a bunch of ladies who just haven’t managed to meet the right man. If you aren’t familiar with the show I’d recommend checking OnDemand to see if the second season is available for your viewing pleasure. Granted, I’ve never “seen” the show but from what I can tell from the stills it’s a winner all the way around…

Have a good weekend, and if you get a chance check out Andre Berto on the undercard of tomorrow’s fight (it shouldn’t last more than half a round and it will be well worth your time).

Big thanks to The Big Lead and Datehole Dateholer for dropping the knowledge

You’re in for some overtly sexy shit, try to keep your composure. God damn I love the off season.

MMP: Has the classic spring dress been claimed yet? Very easy on the eyes and also coming into season as well.

BDD: Pfft. 11 years of marriage should only serve to INCREASE the ol’ hornometer. Pick anything. Pick a muumuu. Let’s end this thing.

20. Flubby- Guitar

I have always been a big fan of the chick wearing little, if anything, except a guitar (perfected by Liz Phair).

21. CC- Nipple ring

This is a nice way to round out my selections, as all of my women will be wearing wedges, thong underwear, heavy eye makeup, and nipple rings. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go masturbate.

I have to say, the frankness with which some of us discuss “number 3″ can be terrifying.

22. BDD- Belly chain

Fucking hot. Accentuates the hips and midriff, and shows that a woman is dead serious about turning you on. It’s like a sexy, shiny equator that perfect divides your T&A. And only women with the right kind of body can pull it off.

Nothing says class quite like rhinestone jewelry.

CC: I dated a girl who never took her belly chain off. It was excellent. But not as excellent as the girlfriend with a nipple ring.

God I hate you.

UM: WHAT?!?! when did Sobe start making a drink called Lean?

That coyote knows what’s up!

Flub: That’s probably what the coyote is thinking in the picture. “Damn they got sizzurp up at Quizno’s now?”

That or: I’m looking for the man that shot my “paw.”

Ape: There were coyotes discovered in Rock Creek Park two years ago. I hope one eats Tammy Darvish.

I heard that’s what happened to Chandra Levy.

23. UM- Babydoll

That’s just some sexy shit right there.

Hmm…this should have added up to 24. Eh, fuck it, lots more pictures are coming!

BDD: Daisy dukes, French maid outfit, nurse outfit, tight sweater, fishnets, body stockings, any sort of latex get up, Demibra (the ones that don’t actually cover the tits), fur coat with nothing else, crotchless panties, cheerleader skirts, and stripper dresses

UM: weed, whipped cream, tassles, clear platforms, body paint, tube top, saddle from Secretary

CC: tee shirt cut up to reveal cleavage and stomach, then tied in a knot in back in order to stay tight against body

Flub: Man, I hate what Rolling Stone has become, but the new cover, with the chicks from Grindhouse, is pretty good.

UM: BULLETS! I DRAFT BULLETS!

BDD: I’m pretty sure Rose McGowan got an asslift.

UM: I’m pretty sure she was raised in an underground bunker…insert stupid Ufford joke here.

CC: I’d be happy to fire those off.

MMP: Ape, do you have any more pictures of your cat?

CC: Do you have any pictures of a hot woman wearing your cat?

Ape: Sure, what do you need?

MMP: Whatever you have, preferable a good head shot and maybe a full-body shot.

UM: Sicko

That’s when things veered of course.

I hope you enjoyed the single greatest mock draft in the history of the internet. Now feel free to critique our efforts and spurt lists of your own sick indulgences.

Update: We forgot one…

Update 2: Apparently Punter really did want a picture of Ape’s cat for reasons that are not sick and disgusting in the least. I profusely apologize for making him look like some sort of weirdo. We wouldn’t want you readers thinking we were unbalanced or anything like that. So please Mr. Punter, don’t kill me in my sleep.

Off the board: heels, thongs, bikinis, schoogirl outfits, pearl necklaces, edible panties, camisoles…let’s do this sexy thing.

8. MMP- Mary Janes

Just like ‘em. Dunno why

What a reach!

BDD: What are Mary Janes?

MMP: It’s a closed-toe shoe with a strap across the foot.

Cue the crickets.

9. Flub- Slinky Black Cocktail Dress

The Nolan Ryan of women’s apparel

Sans the inflated ERA?

CC- Wedges

BDD- Huzzah!
11. Garter belt with thigh highs

You could put Natasha Lyonne in thigh highs and I’d be turned on. This is the absolute classic lingerie combination. Yet I have no clue why I like it so. Perhaps it’s the garter straps accenuating the ass just so, or the lacey tops of the thigh highs gently caressing the…

OOPS. Look at the mess I made. I have to clean this up.

UM: NOOOOOOOOOOO! All you guys were so caught up in your clogs and whatnot…i thought i’d get the garter…

We should start the Natasha Lyonne All Stars as an answer to Simmons and his Reggie Cleveland squad. Girls whose names make them sound hot when in reality they are the opposite.

UM- 12. Bustier

A showcase of sexitude.

UM- 13. Booty Shorts

What the bustier does for the top half the shorts do for the bottom. It’s like taking a work of art and putting it in the world’s greatest frame.

BDD-14. Tight as shit business suit

Preferably with a mini skirt that just barely covers the ass, and blouse with the top buttons open so that the cleavage just spill right out. Combine that with the garter and thigh highs and I now have blueballs.

That’s a nice pick there Drew.

BDD: I think this draft needs to go 4 rounds. I’ve got some other stuff I’d like to riff on.

CC- 15. Eye makeup

OK, now I’m just trying to piss off the Caveman

I was going to say “makeup” but I thought that would be too broad. Girls with lots of eye makeup automatically look 60% hotter. And now, none of your women will ever get to wear it. AWESOME.

Flub- 16. Low rise jeans

But like plutonimum, they can be deadly in the wrong hands.

MMP- 17. One piece tennis dress

One piece tennis dresses. They provide a blend of sportiness and easy access that’s hard to come by.

BDD: I like that pick. That’s a solid pick.

Now Ape goes twice. Four rounds!!!!!!

UM: fuck fuck fuck. that was my fourth rounder.

Ape- 18. Glasses

Small frames but not those Lisa Loeb cat glasses. Because I like smart, engaging women. And, failing that, ones that at least appear intelligent.

Flub: Good call, Ape

Ape- 19. Nose stud

Provides no tactile pleasure, but is a sign she’s at least not up tight. However, the nose stud can’t be part of a panoply of piercing. Just the ears and nose. None of that eyebrow shit.

BDD: Ah, but what of the tongue stud? Nothing says easy like a tongue stud.

Check back tomorrow for the thrilling conclusion to find out if anything says easy better than a tongue stud (Hint: If she smokes, she pokes)

Note: Your face is not an accessory (I already tried).

Because even we don’t always understand what we’re doing I’ll let Big Daddy Drew sum up the rules… To clarify the rules. You pick one piece of clothing or accessories, every attractive woman you encounter must wear them for you at all times, including the wife.

Marriage is bourgeois.

If someone else drafts a certain item, you never get to see a woman in it again.

Thanks mein fuehrer.

The draft order is as follows: UM, Drew, Ape, CC, Flubby, Punter. Sadly Ape decided to attend opening day at RFK so the order was shuffled.

And remember, if you want to play along at home but can’t get a woman to come within sniffing distance of you there’s always another option.

1. UM- The Bikini (the thongier the better)

I kicked off the draft before I had a firm grasp on the nuances of Drew’s set of rules so I decided to stay safe. The bikini is a classic. They perfectly display the assets of the beautiful people while exposing the flaws of all those borderliners.

2. Drew- High Heels


Every man has differing tastes, but I’ve yet to find a man who would prefer a girl in Keds to one in 6″ bend-me-over-the-credenza pumps. High heels accentuate the calf. I have no idea why this makes me hard enough to take batting practice, but it does.

I knew somebody was going to pick a shoe, I just didn’t think I’d be all alone in the mocking.

UM: I was tempted to say “first one to pick shoes is a homo”

CC: First one to pick shoes knows what the fuck is going on.

Flub: Don’t be hostile at the hostel.

Note- For reasons only clear to Caveman he decided to stay in a hostel during the Final Four (even though he was on the company dime). I hope those pushy Bavarian backpackers gave him a good lesson on what’s wrong with America.

3. CC- YES!!! Thong Underwear

No explanation necessary

Yeah, because the rest of this is TOTALLY necessary!

BDD: Choosing between high heels and thongs was extremely difficult.

4. Flubby- Pearl Necklace

This is as close as I could get without people bitching.

You’ll have as much fun giving it to her as she will wearing it.

Uh Flubby, remember Drew’s rule?

every attractive woman you encounter must wear them for you at all times

That gooey touch of romance would get old…fast.

5/6. MPP- Catholic Schoolgirl Outfit

Halcyon days indeed…

If we’re going pervy, let’s do it right.

There’s a wrong way?

UM: I call shenanigans! you can take the knee socks, you can take the skirt, you can take the sheer oxford shirt that’s busting at the seams…but you can’t have the whole package.

Anyway, I think complete uniforms are allowable, so if Punter wants to pick again, he can. After all, the point of this thing is to throw up some hot pictures.

MMP: One and the same, my friend.

UM: flubby’s up. seeing as how he’s a lawyer here’s my prediction

We’ll count the Catholic schoolgirl uni as a single pick, leaving Ape as the last pick in the round. Whcih means Ape gets to pick twice RIGHT NOW! Huzzah!

UM
Drew
CC
flubby
Punter
Ape

Ape: 6. Edible panties

Parenthetically for the record, I’m astounded UM took regular bikini over weed bikini. If we actually went through with the last meal draft, the panties would have been whatever flavor my first round pick would have been: unless, of course, I went with the meal of three dozen jumbo crabs.

7. Camisole

Maybe I’m swayed before it’s just starting to get warm out and hot girls everywhere are popping up in these. Simple, but still incredibly hot. The first warm weather day of the year is better than Christmas, but First Waem Weather Day ofr the Year Ape doesn’t fit well on the marquee.

It’s also spelled wrong because I’m a little drunk.

Rounds 2-4 coming soon…so try to not tell us how we fucked up until we’re done.