Lost in the dizzying fun of DeSean Jackson artfully falling into the end zone in last night’s Eagles victory over the Cowboys was Dallas running back Tashard Choice asking for Michael Vick to autograph his gloves after the game. Oh man, that’s the sort of the meaningless violation of athlete protocol that will have sanctimonious pundits running around with clenched buttholes for days. Derek Anderson smiling and laughing on the sideline will seem like nothing. Here’s one now.

What the f*ck, indeed. Speaking of that phrase, it was picked up quite clearly on the Raiders sideline late in their loss in Jacksonville. I don’t know why I so love it when a microphone accidentally picks up an athlete swearing during a game. It’s not as though profanity doesn’t already act as an unextinguishable source of filler in my everyday life. Maybe it has something to do with me being condemned to never progress beyond the mental age of 12.

Damnhellasssfuckcunttitshitbitch

/squeals with delight

Vick video via SB Nation, who has the coolest social media strat going. Seriously, don’t ever knock it. They’ll hurt you.

YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT. YOU SPOTLIGHT-HOGGING, WRINKLED OLD HOGCOCK. I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON FISH HOOKS, YOU FUCKING PRICK. NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, I’LL ALWAYS HATE YOUR FACE.

(Seriously, though. Nice throw.)

YOU GO TO HELL. YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU GET FLAYED TO ENDLESS ANGUISH BY SATAN’S THREE-TINED COCK.

(However, I have to say, it’s really nice to have a QB who can run the two-minute drill effectively. It’s been fucking ages since the Vikings have run a decent two-minute drill. That’s a huge plus.)

I’M GONNA SNEAK RAT POISON INTO YOUR WATER BOTTLE. THEN I’M GONNA HIDE IN THE LOCKER ROOM TOWEL BIN AND PEEK OUT OF IT AND WATCH WHILE YOUR MOUTH FOAMS UP AND YOU FALL TO THE FLOOR IN CONVULSIONS, WITH MEDICAL STAFF UNABLE TO HELP BECAUSE THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU. THIS IS HOW YOUR LIFE WILL END. YOU ARE STILL THE ENEMY, AND I KNOW YOU ARE ONLY HANGING AROUND TO FUCK US OVER. YOU CAN’T FOOL ME, COCKWEED!

(But for real, that was a great move to elude Justin Smith. I thought you were dead meat. Rosencopter would have fumbled the ball, picked it up, and the re-fumbled it.)

AND NOW THE PACKERS ARE COMING?! OH, CHRIST. GET READY FOR FUCKING FAVREY FAVRE FAVRE WEEK. LIKE TIM GODDAMN RYAN DIDN’T SUCK YOUR DICK ENOUGH DURING THE TELECAST, YOU REDNECK PRICK.

(But man, it’s nice to know the Vikes can pull a game out when Purple Jesus is held in check. That’s what was missing from this team. With the way this defense is playing, I don’t think it’s a stretch to say this really is one of the three best teams in the NFC. I think. Maybe.)

OR MAYBE YOU’LL JUST COLLAPSE AND EAT SHIT! AND WHERE’S THE LOVE FOR GREG LEWIS? ALL HE DID WAS DEFY THE LAWS OF FUCKING PHYSICS TO MAKE THAT CATCH. BUT NOOOOO, ALL I HEAR IS FAVRE THREW THIS AND FAVRE THREW THAT AND LOOK AT THE JOY HE BRINGS TO THE CHILDREN OF THE WORLD?! GUHHHH. FUCK YOU. I SO HATE ROOTING FOR YOU, YOU LITTLE SHIT WEASEL. I HOPE YOU GET HIT BY A CEMENT MIXER FULL OF LEPROSY.

(Good job. I’m relatively pleased with your performance yesterday.)

DICK.