How dare you, Brett Favre.

How dare you.

I spend 15 years by your side. Defending you. Protecting you. Holding you close to my ample bosom after a loss.

And then this.

How dare you betray me like this, Brett Nathaniel Marmaduke Favre. I gave you ALL MY LOVE. And then you turn around and give your retirement announcement to this, this, this fucking SEA HAG!

The fact that you ignored me hurts, Brett. But I never thought you’d leave me for a WOMAN, you heartless bastard. A fucking Botox-stuffed floozy! You told me you were through with the ladymeat. AND I BELIEVED YOU! WE MADE LOVE UNDER THE OLD MAPLE TREE IN HATTIESBURG LAST WEEK AND IT MEANT NOTHING TO YOU!

What’s so great about this Van Susteren girl, huh? Is she perverted like me? Would she go down on you… in… a theataahhhh? Does she speak eloquently? Would she have your baby? I’m sure she’d make a really excellent mother.

In case you can’t tell, I’m being angrily sarcastic. THAT GIRL IS A WHORE!

After all I’ve done for you. The times I covered up your alcoholism. The times I glossed over your horrible play. The times I killed those stories about you fucking half of Atlanta.

The time I let you use the speculum on me.

I hate you, Brett Favre. I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW! I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW! I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!

You made a big mistake, jerk. Hell hath no fury like a King scorned.