Jared Allen wanted to raise money for his charity, Homes for Wounded Warriors, so he did the sensible thing and hosted a golf outing. An extreme golf outing! Or as extreme as you can get without risking a fourth DUI.

Marines berating golfers, slip ‘n slide punishments, and a pig roast at the turn were just a few of the unique touches Allen included in his event. The outing was a success by all accounts, so it stands to reason that there are plans in the works for next year’s outing. That’s why we’ve compiled a handy list of suggestions to make sure the money keeps rolling in for these deserving soldiers.

- Squibs in every green
- Water hazards filled with gelatin
- Encourage golfers to play in bare feet
- Sand traps filled with shards of broken glass
- Long drive winner gets a bazooka
- Closest to the pin winner gets an M40
- Flagpole dancers
- Eagles are now called “tits”
- Birdies are now called “little tits”
- Pars are now called “gays”
- Bogies are now called “fucks”
- Double bogies are now called “double fucks”
- Personalized truck nutz on every golf cart
- Driving range populated by Iranian clerics who outlawed the mullet
- Ball washers at every tee box provided by Babe’s Cabaret
- Replace all of this year’s participants with lesser celebrities like Dan Akroyd, Jackie Mason, and the guy from Unsolved Mysteries

But don’t even think about taking a piss behind a tree, especially if you’ve recently been accused of sexual assault. Smoke, fire, etc.

Add your own suggested features in the comments, because a four-person scramble format isn’t going to make itself interesting.

Nike Golf yesterday debuted this unsettling and cynically timed ad featuring a recording of the late Earl Woods speaking a few vaguely relevant questions about learning from mistakes while Tiger is filmed in black and white blinking. As with anything this ripe for parody, the wags set to work applying every wry twist and vulgar reference at their disposal. We applaud their efforts, however irrelevant to football they may be.

Jimmy Kimmel was the first to strike. You know Bill Simmons isn’t still writing for this show because Mr. Miyagi wasn’t worked in to their spoof.

Hey, wouldn’t it be great if Tiger talked to Tiger while the listening Tiger blinked? Blinked hugely and quickly?

And lookie here! Even I made one! I am a very topical maker of jokes!

Oh man! Slate totally did one of those Coors Light press conference wiseacre things! They went there, Home School! It might be a tired concept, but not as tired as you think!