Many people scoff at the idea that God can control the outcome of sporting events, or that He even cares. But those people are wrong. God does control the games, AND He cares a great deal. Today, He explains why He let the outcomes of Week 12 in the NFL happen as they did.

Well, it’s Thanksgiving again. I guess you people consider that a holiday, yes? See, that’s interesting. Because here I thought the point of a holiday was TO WORSHIP ME, YOU UNGRATEFUL SHITS. I created the Earth and the Heavens. The pilgrims sailed a ship into a fucking rock. And you’re telling me they deserve a holiday?

Let me explain to you the point of holidays. It’s right there in the word: holiday. That means HOLY DAY. A day of holiness. That’s God time, baby. You think you can just say some day is a holiday without asking me? WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? I could wipe you people out with an asteroid just like that. Don’t fucking test me.

I’m tired of these non-God holidays. Labor Day? What is that shit? Well, why don’t you just make every damn day a holiday, why don’t you? “Oooh, let’s make April 12th Monkey Day! Hooray! Let’s not receive mail or have our garbage taken away!” You people listen, and you listen good. You will play by my fucking rules, or I will send you straight to my boy Luc down in Hell. And he does not fuck around. He will play your intestines like a damn harp!

So you want to spend a day being thankful, do you? Okay. All right. Two can play this fucking game. Know what I’m thankful for this Thanksgiving? Oh, that’s right. ME. Giver of light. Bestower of bountiful foods and crops. Yeah, you better thank me when you sit down at that table. Want to thank your wife for making those mashed potatoes? WELL, FUCK YOU. I made those potatoes. AND I made your wife. AND I gave her boobs. I WANT MY MEDAMN CREDIT!

Anyway, onto the week. You know what, Lions of Detroit? I’m sorry, but I really am toying with you. Sorry, Can’t help it. Maybe if the folks in your town could make a fucking car that isn’t a deathly eyesore on the planet I created, I’d be a bit more merciful. I also let two teams score over 50 points this week. Why? Who knows? I’m so MYSTERIOUS! You never know what the fuck I gonna do.

NOW WORSHIP ME AND THANK ME FOR GIVING YOU THAT WORKING PENIS, DICKSMACKS.

Hello, my children. A lot of My most fervent worshipers love to argue against the obvious benefits of stem cell research by asserting that man shouldn’t attempt to play God. Let me tell you, that is some straight bullshit. I put you people on Earth to see what kind of crazy shit you could pull off, so I damn well expect you to aspire to My divine level. So if you need a new windpipe, just make one from scratch! You mortals have been sleeping on this ability for far to long, and it’s time to pick up the pace. Remember, I don’t just miraculously heal people. That’s a job for the Christian Scientist’s god, and to be honest, I’m pretty sure he’s imaginary.

So you Me fearing cockblockers need to ease up on your anti-stem cell stance so that the intelligent people can figure out how do repair knee cartilage a little bit faster. I, and my infallible fantasy team, are counting on you. But don’t do it for me, do it for every running back whose career nosedives at 32. Remember Priest Holmes? Wouldn’t it be cool if he were still awesome? Well I’m holding on to him in My keeper league just in case you people wise up and use what I gave you to make him like new again.

Continue after My blessed jump for an explanation of last week’s more curious outcomes.

(more…)

Hello my children. Before I get to explaining the outcomes of this past Sabbath I’d like to address the actions of some of the more retarded worshipers out there on behalf of my favorite prophet. Listen up folks, and listen good, because Moses is up here and he’s smashing everything that isn’t bolted down. You stupid confused assholes need to stop worshiping a false idol. Honestly, I thought we’d been over this before, but now you’re back at it, worshiping a giant golden cow. I mean, are you serious? Don’t you remember what happened the last time you pulled that shit? So cut the crap and stick to worshiping Me, not your precious gold.

Please continue after My holiest of jumps for an explanation of the games that were, along with a quick refresher course on the Ten Commandments.
(more…)

Many people scoff at the idea that God can control the outcome of sporting events, or that He even cares. But those people are wrong. God does control the games, AND He cares a great deal. Today, He explains why He let the outcomes of Week 9 in the NFL happen as they did.

You know, I hear a lot of you people out there bitching about having to go to church. “Wah wah! Church is boring! I hate getting dressed up! I don’t have to go to church to be a good person!”

Yeah, well no shit, people.

Of course you don’t have to go to church to be a good person, or even a good Christian, or Jew, or Muslim, or whatever other bullshit religion you are. That’s not why I suggest you attend, you morons. The reason I want you to go to church (or temple, or Mosque, or whatever the fuck Me-knows-what shrine you constructed) is because it’s your only chance each week to gather as a medamn COMMUNITY. Okay? I see you people. I see you scurrying about your lives ignoring each other, talking on the phone, sitting in your car, jacking off in the linen closet. It’s like you jackasses go OUT OF THE DAMN WAY not to talk to each other.

Well, pardon my French, but that is fucking bullshit.

The reason I want you to go to church isn’t because I like forcing you to sing songs, or to say all kinds of things about how awesome I am (though I’m not immune to flattery). No, I want you to go to church because I want you to be reminded each week that there’s more to life than just YOU, fucko. I know. Hard to believe.

I hear a lot of middle aged folks out there bitching about how busy they are these days, and how they never get to see their friends anymore. Well guess what, yapcunts? If you all went to church every Sunday, maybe you WOULD see a friend or two. Maybe you’d actually have a chance to connect with your fellow man, and realize that you are part of something fucking BIGGER. Maybe you’d stop playing with your fucking new 3G iPhone for second and bother to say hi to someone. Shithead.

That’s why I want you to go to church. It’s not to see Me. It’s to see everyone else around you. We go through this life, and sometimes we don’t fucking SEE other people. I want you to see people, to connect with them. That way, you’re more likely to, you know, do nice shit for people. And be a good person. And not be such a selfish prick. That’s why I want you to get off your ass Sunday morning. It’s not for My sake. It’s for your own. You insignificant little shits.

More importantly, church is my time to jack it each week. I like to know where the fuck everyone is when I decide to hide behind a cloud and do My godly thing. There’s a reason Indonesia gets torrential downpours every Sunday morning. That’s a big ol’ Godsoon of Lordbutter raining down on those folks. Especially if I’m checking out my trove of Vida Guerra photos. Oh Vida, did I ever get it right when I made your ass. Some days, God brings his motherfucking A game.

As for the NFL, I finally allowed the Bengals of Cincinnati to win this week because I am a just and merciful diety. Also, this one hot chick in the ‘Nati got dressed with her apartment window wide open the other week. And that made for one awesome Sunday morning for me while you were in church. Hooray for Me! You know I can masturbate without using my hands? Admit it. You’re a little jealous.

Yeah, I could have seen her undressing anyway. But even I still get a charge out of a little exhibitionism.

Many people scoff at the idea that God can control the outcome of sporting events, or that He even cares. But those people are wrong. God does control the games, AND He cares a great deal. Today, He explains why He let the outcomes of Week 8 in the NFL happen as they did.

Ladies and gentlemen of the internet, I regret to inform you that God could not be with us this week. Actually that’s not correct. Of course He could be with us, I mean, He is God after all. I guess it would be more accurate to say God had better shit to do this week. Mostly he’s just been masturbating. Yep, that’s right, God masturbates. He masturbates just like you do, only he’s way better at it than you could ever imagine. You know how God’s voice makes your head explode? Well if you saw God stroking it your balls would melt and run down your leg forming a puddle at your feet. But I digress.

Joining us in His stead this week is none other than His Son of Sons, Jesus “Hominum Salvator” Christ!

(more…)

Many people scoff at the idea that God can control the outcome of sporting events, or that He even cares. But those people are wrong. God does control the games, AND He cares a great deal. Today, He explains why He let the outcomes of Week 7 in the NFL happen as they did.
(more…)

Many people scoff at the idea that God can control the outcome of sporting events, or that He even cares. But those people are wrong. God does control the games, AND He cares a great deal. Today, He explains why He let the outcomes of Week 6 in the NFL happen as they did.

(more…)

(more…)

Many people scoff at the idea that God can control the outcome of sporting events, or that He even cares. But those people are wrong. God does control the games, AND He cares a great deal. Today, He explains why He let the outcomes of Week 4 in the NFL happen as they did.

First of all, happy new year to all of my chosen people out there! Except for that one fucking yid. You know, the blowhard asshole on ESPN who is always making up crappy nicknames. Oh come on, you know the guy I’m talking about. Big fat lump of shit that’s always laughing at his own jokes, even though his shtick got old around the time those no good fuckers started penning that “new” testament. Me damn it, what the fuck is that asshole’s name?

Anyway, let’s move on to the other stories I’ve helped influence over the past week after the jump. Why the jump? BECAUSE IT IS MY WILL!

(more…)

Many people scoff at the idea that God can control the outcome of sporting events, or that He even cares. But those people are wrong. God does control the games, AND He cares a great deal. Today, He explains why He let the outcomes of Week 3 in the NFL happen as they did.

I am mysterious. No one knows why I do the things I do. And frankly, I like it that way. It keeps people on their toes. I don’t want people relaxing around Me. I mean, shit. I’m fucking GOD, you know? Gotta keep the people trembling before Me. Ever have someone tremble before you? God, what a rush. Or should I say, “Me, what a rush”!

Take the Raiders of Oakland and the Bengals of Cincinnati, for instance. Both of these teams are an abomination in My eyes, filled with unrepentant sinners and disgraceful doers of Lucifer’s work, although I find Chris Henry charming in his own rakish manner (like Me, Chris knows puberty=consent). I do not like these teams. They do not fear Me as much as I would like. That’s why I gave both of them a real good cockblockin’ this week.

You see how both teams seemed on the verge of pulling near monumental upsets, only to have those victories cruelly pulled out from underneath them? That was all Me. I did that. See, you Raiders and Bengals fans might pray to me at night, asking that your undying loyalty to either inept team be repaid with some sort of karmic correction on my part. You’ve suffered greatly through the past few years. Surely, I can throw you a bone, yes?

See, that’s just what I want you to think. That is why I allowed Carson Palmer to hit TJ Houshmandzadeh on that late TD pass. I really wanted you fans to think I was gonna come through this time.

Then BAM! I fucked you right in the ass. Trademark God move, right there. I like to bring you to precipice, give ya just a little taste, and then yank the rug out from underneath you. Works every time. You should have seen the looks on your faces. God, I’m good. Oops, there I go talking in the third person again!

That’s where I really tend to excel. I make you humans suffer through calamity after calamity. And then, just when you think you’ve seen the light at the end of the tunnel, just when you think the heavy burden of your life will finally ease (what with all the war, and disease, and economic hardship), I give you a good, HARD reaming, like a Marine back for the weekend.

Why do I do it? Well, I could explain it to you. I could tell you My grand plan for everything, which may or may not involve rocket-powered skateboards. But it’s much more fun, frankly, to NOT tell you. To have you scurrying around trying to figure out the answer, like 6 billion little Scott Linehans. Me dammit, that is fun.

What else did I do this week? Oh, I miraculously healed Ronnie Brown’s knee. But, he hit South Beach after the game, so I think I’ll make that cartilage flare up again. I also made sure the Browns went 0-3. When Brady Quinn starts, I’ll see if I can make them go 0-542, because what he does in club bathrooms nauseates me. I made the Jaguars beat the Colts, because Greggy Easterbrook tells me the Colts don’t pray as forcefully as they used to. Oh, and I made New England lose. I’m sick of Bill Belichick trying to tempt my kid with bread and loose women.

Oh, did you not know he was Satan? You people are so naïve.

Thanks God! Stick around more divine analysis all year long!