Or, alternatively: X MARKS THE RAPIST.

Yes, that’s Shawne Merriman with the logo for something called POWERADE ION4 shaved into the side of his head, because who wants Brent Celek to get away with being the biggest guerrilla marketing whore in the NFL? Puhlease. Who’s he ever forced himself on? I mean, besides my mom.

All you future sexual assailants out there better get with this Powerade stuff, especially now that they’re outlawing Joose (the bastards). It promises revitalized, angry sperm.

Rape is certainly no laughing matter, despite the fact that we poke fun at it on a near hourly basis on this blog. But in the real world, it isn’t. That is, unless a woman fabricates a patently ludicrous story of a rape or assault by a celebrity, then that’s a whole ‘nother story. It’s the tender tale of Fake Rape. And it’s the laugh riot of the year. Two such examples cropped up just before this 2009 season got underway. Now that the accused square off on the football field, with nothing on their mind than a little permissible forced entry, we examine the accusers and their lying lies that aren’t true. So, WHO YA GOT?

LaToeInjury has shocked the football world by picking a time other than the playoffs to be injured, so Tiny Darren will have to slip beneath the murderous implements of the Ravens defense today. The Chargers will also be missing center Nick Hardwick, so Norv will have to abandon all those grand plans to run Sproles up the gut at Haloti Ngata. Marmalard, meanwhile, was fined late this week for taunting Raiders defensive tackle Gerard Warren in the second half of their Week 1 game.

WHAT? HUH? WHAT? I BARELY GENERATED ANY OFFENSE AGAINST YOUR TEAM!

Ray-Ray’s spastic dances after jumping on piles or Rivers berating everyone in sight? There may not be enough announcer scorn to go around.

In other late-game action:

It’s eight days until the Chargers open their season against the even more rapidly disintegrating Raiders (who in the last 24 hours have cut their best quarterback and traded a future 1st round pick to the Patriots for a 30-year-old slightly above average defensive end with one year left on his contract) but Rapeasaurus is already in midseason form, getting a battery charge – which sounds so appropriate for a Charger – for [dons responsible blogger pants] allegedly [removes pants] choking and “restraining” (I think that’s legalese for stuffing her in a cat carrier) unexplainable celebrity Tila Tequila. Man, Jeff Reed’s gonna be pissed about Merriman messing with his girl.

So that’s a fun development for a team that Vegas is now giving better odds to win the Super Bowl than the defending champs. This was supposed to be the one non-clusterfu-k in the AFC West!

UPDATE: The San Diego Union Tribune is reporting that Tequila wasn’t seriously hurt, so I guess the Gigantosaur at least didn’t choke her that hard. C’mon, it’s not even a crime unless you do it at full strength.

Shawne Merriman: I am find no good… in draft pick of Larry English

Reporter: Why is that? He isn’t expected to challenge you for your starting spot.

Shawne Merriman: I AM FIND NO GOOD…draft pick Larry English

Reporter: But why?

Shawne Merriman: DRAFT PICK LARRY ENGLISH…cause question to my footballhood

Reporter: Your footballhood?

Merriman: Basic nature of footballness

Reporter: Footballness?

Merriman: POSSESSING QUALITY OF FOOTBALLNICITY!

Reporter: How then will you respond to this impugning of your footballhood?

Merriman: LIGHTS OUT DANCE!

Reporter: Just doing the dance?

Merriman: RAPE TACKLE FIRST

Reporter: Then Lights Out dance?

Merriman: That is appropriate sequence.

Reporter: At what point do you think fans and the media will stop questioning your footballhood?

Merriman: AFTER RAPE.

Reporter: Rape all of them?

Merriman: ALL WHO DARE QUESTION! RAPE IS THE ANSWER TO ALL QUESTIONS!

Reporter: Uh, okay. Just to be clear, I’m not questioning you.

Merriman: But you asked questions.

Reporter: Yes, but that was questioning your motives, not your abilities. It’s not the same thing.

Merriman: YOU CALLED MOTIVEHOOD INTO QUESTION!? UNNGGGGAAAHHHHH!

Reporter: [Head darting around] Uh, technically, I guess, that is to say, I tried to get at the, uh, the … hey, anyone else around here that can control this guy?

[Door flies open]

Philip Rivers: Ya betta ask somebodddddaaaaayyyyy!

Reporter: Oh thank God.

Rivers: BACK! [Cracks whip] BACK, I SAY! BACK THE FUCK UP, STRATEGIC PENIS SILO!

[Floats 15-year-old Thai girl into large cage. Merriman follows and Rivers locks down behind him]

Rivers: That should settle him for a bit.

Reporter: Whew. Omigod. Omigod. I really can’t thank you enough.

Rivers: Give it a shot.

Reporter: Give what a shot?

Rivers: Thanking me for saving your rectum from being turned into a gym class parachute.

Reporter: Uh. Ahem. Well. Thank you for very much.

Rivers: For?

Reporter: …saving my rectum from being turned into a gym class parachute.

Rivers: And?

Reporter: And what?

Rivers: AND TRY SHOWING SOME MORE GRATITUDE, YOU MEALY MOUTHED GERBIL COCK. WHAT? HUH? WHAT? FUCK YOU!

Reporter: What more can I do?

Rivers: For starters, you can run a story about LaDainian selling Plaxico guns and pushing that dude in front of Done Stallworth’s car, then calling Goodell’s wife a cuntcubus. Then in paragraph two, the tryst with Braylon Edwards is revealed. Here are artfully doctored photos.

Reporters: But that’s unethical!

Rivers: [Mocking voice] But that’s eeeetthhhiiicaaallll. Listen cockripple, I saved your life and I can unsave it just as fast.

[Merriman rams against the cage with a tibia between his teeth]

Reporter: So …where should this supposed tryst take place?

Rivers: GROUND ZERO, MOTHERFUCKER!

What’s this you’re showing me?

Sharp stick in the what? Eye?

Ouf. Hmm. Does look kinda painful. Awful pointy, too. And my eye? Really? Sounds like that might hurt. Couldn’t just jam it under my shoulder blade, huh? Okay, I suppose those are the rules. I do have two eyes, after all. And fuck pulling for Brady, Welkaaaaah, HGHarrison, Belicheat and Kool Aid. And fuck Marmalard, Norval, The Gigantosaur and whiny ass LT. Cromartie’s kinda cool, but whatever.

[Piercing screams]

Whooo. Ahhhh. Omigodomigodomigod. That hurts like shit. But, y’know: It’s not so bad, all things considered. Much better than that Chargers-Patriots shit.

Update: I was thrown out of the Patriots bar because I was the only one rooting against the Patriots. What sorry pathetic bitches you Pats fans are.

Let’s hear who you got in the game of the week in the comments. Drew doesn’t know yet that Greg Oden is out for the season, so feel free to toss that little nugget of info in there.