Posts Tagged ‘gigantosaur’

The Rape-Off: Crazy Cowboy Lady vs. Frenzied Sex Gnomette. WHO YA GOT?

Friday, October 2nd, 2009

tilamcnultywyg

Rape is certainly no laughing matter, despite the fact that we poke fun at it on a near hourly basis on this blog. But in the real world, it isn’t. That is, unless a woman fabricates a patently ludicrous story of a rape or assault by a celebrity, then that’s a whole ‘nother story. It’s the tender tale of Fake Rape. And it’s the laugh riot of the year. Two such examples cropped up just before this 2009 season got underway. Now that the accused square off on the football field, with nothing on their mind than a little permissible forced entry, we examine the accusers and their lying lies that aren’t true. So, WHO YA GOT?

Plaintiff

Andrea McNulty_________________________Tila “Tequila” Nguyen

Defendant

Ben Roethlisberger_______________________Shawne Merriman

For the crime of

Unwanted Bentrain ride to sextown_______________Fistual neck hugging

How she crazy?

Romancing fake soldier over the Internet_______Stripping nekkid before storming out to drive home drunk

Will her case go to trial?

Probably_______________________Not even if she blows the DA (she tried)

Things she would buy with cash settlement?

Rescued palomino from the Raped Horses farm_____________Scented boob job

Preferred form of rape

The kind she agrees to then sues for later____________Chokerape

No means…

Something if you’re not famous____________________She’s not drunk yet

Sound the rape whistle, Buster!

Do all women fall for the “come fix my TV” ploy?

Then again…

Initiating move

I DIDN’T_______________________________ME NEITHER!

Finishing move

Wait a year and find out_______________________Mystery rape children!

They Stab! They Rape! They Stab and Stab and Rape! Stab Stab Stab! Rape Rape Rape! It’s the Merriman and Ray-Ray Shoooooowwwwww!

Sunday, September 20th, 2009

iandsrayshawne

LaToeInjury has shocked the football world by picking a time other than the playoffs to be injured, so Tiny Darren will have to slip beneath the murderous implements of the Ravens defense today. The Chargers will also be missing center Nick Hardwick, so Norv will have to abandon all those grand plans to run Sproles up the gut at Haloti Ngata. Marmalard, meanwhile, was fined late this week for taunting Raiders defensive tackle Gerard Warren in the second half of their Week 1 game.

riverstaunt

WHAT? HUH? WHAT? I BARELY GENERATED ANY OFFENSE AGAINST YOUR TEAM!

Ray-Ray’s spastic dances after jumping on piles or Rivers berating everyone in sight? There may not be enough announcer scorn to go around.

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Shawne Merriman Gets a Shot at Assault with Tila Tequila

Sunday, September 6th, 2009

merrimanhawk

It’s eight days until the Chargers open their season against the even more rapidly disintegrating Raiders (who in the last 24 hours have cut their best quarterback and traded a future 1st round pick to the Patriots for a 30-year-old slightly above average defensive end with one year left on his contract) but Rapeasaurus is already in midseason form, getting a battery charge – which sounds so appropriate for a Charger – for [dons responsible blogger pants] allegedly [removes pants] choking and “restraining” (I think that’s legalese for stuffing her in a cat carrier) unexplainable celebrity Tila Tequila. Man, Jeff Reed’s gonna be pissed about Merriman messing with his girl.

So that’s a fun development for a team that Vegas is now giving better odds to win the Super Bowl than the defending champs. This was supposed to be the one non-clusterfu-k in the AFC West!

UPDATE: The San Diego Union Tribune is reporting that Tequila wasn’t seriously hurt, so I guess the Gigantosaur at least didn’t choke her that hard. C’mon, it’s not even a crime unless you do it at full strength.

Some Questions Better Left Unasked

Friday, May 1st, 2009

merrimanface

Shawne Merriman: I am find no good… in draft pick of Larry English

Reporter: Why is that? He isn’t expected to challenge you for your starting spot.

Shawne Merriman: I AM FIND NO GOOD…draft pick Larry English

Reporter: But why?

Shawne Merriman: DRAFT PICK LARRY ENGLISH…cause question to my footballhood

Reporter: Your footballhood?

Merriman: Basic nature of footballness

Reporter: Footballness?

Merriman: POSSESSING QUALITY OF FOOTBALLNICITY!

Reporter: How then will you respond to this impugning of your footballhood?

Merriman: LIGHTS OUT DANCE!

Reporter: Just doing the dance?

Merriman: RAPE TACKLE FIRST

Reporter: Then Lights Out dance?

Merriman: That is appropriate sequence.

Reporter: At what point do you think fans and the media will stop questioning your footballhood?

Merriman: AFTER RAPE.

Reporter: Rape all of them?

Merriman: ALL WHO DARE QUESTION! RAPE IS THE ANSWER TO ALL QUESTIONS!

Reporter: Uh, okay. Just to be clear, I’m not questioning you.

Merriman: But you asked questions.

Reporter: Yes, but that was questioning your motives, not your abilities. It’s not the same thing.

Merriman: YOU CALLED MOTIVEHOOD INTO QUESTION!? UNNGGGGAAAHHHHH!

Reporter: [Head darting around] Uh, technically, I guess, that is to say, I tried to get at the, uh, the … hey, anyone else around here that can control this guy?

[Door flies open]

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Is There a Lesser of These Two Douches?

Sunday, January 20th, 2008


Well, who else can I root for?

What’s this you’re showing me?

Sharp stick in the what? Eye?

Ouf. Hmm. Does look kinda painful. Awful pointy, too. And my eye? Really? Sounds like that might hurt. Couldn’t just jam it under my shoulder blade, huh? Okay, I suppose those are the rules. I do have two eyes, after all. And fuck pulling for Brady, Welkaaaaah, HGHarrison, Belicheat and Kool Aid. And fuck Marmalard, Norval, The Gigantosaur and whiny ass LT. Cromartie’s kinda cool, but whatever.

[Piercing screams]

Whooo. Ahhhh. Omigodomigodomigod. That hurts like shit. But, y’know: It’s not so bad, all things considered. Much better than that Chargers-Patriots shit.

Update: I was thrown out of the Patriots bar because I was the only one rooting against the Patriots. What sorry pathetic bitches you Pats fans are.

Cheaters vs. Cheater. WHO YA GOT!?

Friday, September 14th, 2007


Contestants

Cheating Cheats________“The Gigantosaur”

Real Name

The New England Patriots_________Shawne Merriman

Misdeed

Reconnaissance________________’Roiding

Fetish

Voyeurism______________Rape, devouring worlds, rape. He likes rape.

Pledges to stop

Getting caught________”Lights Out” dance, eating planetessimals between planets

“Wacky Races” inspiration

Dick Dastardly________________Rock Slag

Favorite Batman villain

Whichever one dresses most slovenly, probably Killer Croc______Bane

Homestar Runner inspiration

The Cheat_______________Strong Mad

Gay song sung in the shower

“I Saw the Sign,” Ace of Base __________”Interesting Drug,” Morrissey

Favorite pro wrestling quote

“Win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat.” — Jesse Ventura
——
“Sure, what harm can steroids do?” — Chris Benoit

Finishing Move

Questioning interpretation of “rules”____________Appealing suspension

Let’s hear who you got in the game of the week in the comments. Drew doesn’t know yet that Greg Oden is out for the season, so feel free to toss that little nugget of info in there.