Christmas Ape, as you may or may not know, is our resident journalist / NPR-listener, and as such his off-season duties include staying abreast of new Noam Chomsky writings and reading Women’s Wear Daily, which he claims is a great source for journo-industry news. (Sure, buddy. At least I’m transparent about my embrace of women’s fashion.)

However, to Ape’s credit, he uncovered a cabal of New York Times writers trying to infringe on KSK’s turf: they got dubbed the Gay Mafia:

Does a scattershot list of gay Timesmen a mafia make? According to Out magazine’s media-heavy Power 50 list, which ranked several New York Times reporters a collective seventh on the list, it does, even if many of its made men don’t actually know each other. “Yes, there really is a queer cabal in the Eastern elite media, and it works on West 43rd Street in New York City,” reads the accompanying text, citing T magazine editor Stefano Tonchi, assistant managing editor Richard Berke, national correspondent Adam Nagourney, advertising columnist Stuart Elliot, style reporter Eric Wilson, theater critic Ben Brantley and restaurant critic Frank Bruni.

As for the use of the ‘M’ word related to the assorted journalists, Aaron Hicklin, editor of Out, told WWD: “The Times still has an old-fashioned power that I think the Web has tried to replace but been less successful at. It’s still a cultural arbiter….Should we have used the word mafia? Only inasmuch as mafia is shorthand for people whose combined weight is fearsome.” And according to Out, these Timesmen are “one group you don’t want to run into in a dark alley.”

Oh, is that right?

Well, guess what, New York Times Gay Mafia. You ain’t shit. Men preferring you to that shrike Maureen Dowd might make you a big deal in Manhattan, but that’s a tiny little island, and Kissing Suzy Kolber has a monstrous gayness that covers four states and a crappy district. What have you done as a collective gay mafia besides have sex with men? You’ve done dick. You homos haven’t lived anything as gay as Peter King’s lust for Tony Romo. Where’s YOUR exposé of the top 30 gay quarterbacks in the NFL?

So, suck on that, Out Magazine. Suck on my big, throbbing, aching member. That’s right: the KSK Gay Mafia will happily meet the New York Times Gay Mafia in a back alley, and we will collectively fuck them in the ass. Fuck them hard and slow until we’re satisfied and exhausted.

You know, metaphorically.

He’s a rogue with a strong arm that breaks all the rules. She’s a damsel in distress who can’t run the offense. Fate brought them together. Jealousy could tear them apart. And poor Bruce Gradkowski is beating his lonely Toledo Rocket in the corner.

You know it’s hard to make relationships work in the office. It really is. Chances are that the relationship falls apart, things get awkward, and the whole team dynamic suffers. Hopefully, these two kids will have what it takes to make love last. But I have one more question:

Is it a quarterback controversy if they’re fucking each other?

The Gay Super Bowl was Sunday night. And since we’re obligated to cover anything obliquely related to the Super Bowl, here are our thoughts from the four hours of Oscar coverage.

- Check out the tits on Jessica Biel.

- Is it wrong that I think Helen Mirren is hot?

- Man, I love a good movie montage during the Oscars. Thank God all those people died.

- Reese Witherspoon looks good enough to eat.

- Scorsese finally won, as did The Departed. Totally deserved awards, if you ask me. But then, I’m white. As any sensible commenter can tell you: white people are pussies and that movie is bullshit.

Want more coverage? Go to E!, ya freakin’ homo.

Man, why are all these quarterbacks so gay? I don’t understand how football can pretend it’s the manliest of sports with the most homophobic locker rooms when every team is led by a flaming homosexual.

Peyton Manning. Queer. Yeah, he’s married, but how many kids does he have? Zero, because he only has sex with dudes. Check this out: he once appeared onstage to sing with Kenny Chesney. And we all know singing is gay.

Don’t get me started on Jeff Garcia. This guy is so gay he had to get engaged to the 2004 Playmate of the Year, Carmella DeCesare. What a crock. Why would a coveted nude pinup deign to marry a wealthy professional athlete? It just doesn’t make sense. Everyone knows that a good beard is proportional in fame and hotness to the gay man she moonlights for. It’s why Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are such a joke, and why Tom Brady has most of America fooled.

Besides, Terrell Owens insinuated he was gay. If we can’t trust T.O., who can we trust?

Speaking of Tom Brady…

Just look at him. Oh, sure, he’s “dating” Gisele. Wink, wink. Are we really supposed to believe that he impregnated Bridget Moynahan? Get real. She’s old and he’s gay. How do I know? Well, for starters, he’s good-looking and dresses well. That’s fucking queer. Plus he was photographed holding a goat. And anyone photographed with a farm animal automatically likes bestiality, which is the same thing as being gay.

The evidence is just overwhelming. I can’t believe more people don’t realize it.

Donovan McNabb. Disliked by Rush Limbaugh; in commercials with his mother. Gay.

Chris Simms. Too easy. Next.

Tony Romo. Dimpled, attractive, youthful face = obviously gay. His public announcements of crushes on blonde pop starlets Jessica Simpson and Carrie Underwood were painfully contrived. Why? Because his favorite blond is Chris Simms. Did I just make that up? Probably.

Trent Green, Mark Brunell and Kurt Warner are all devoutly Christian, and we all know devoutly Christian = closet case. Well, except for Warner. There’s nothing closeted about marrying a man.

Matt Leinart actually might not be gay, but now that he’s slept with Paris Hilton, he’s at least got the gay diseases.

People seem to think Rex Grossman has a way with the ladies, and they give him a lot of credit for being the Sex Cannon. More like the Butt Sex Cannon. Have you seen his eyebrows? That shit gets waxed twice a week, and tweezed daily. He’s a three-dollar bill, my friends. A three-dollar bill.

Alex Smith. Women find him atractive. Thus, he is gay. (See also: David Carr, Philip Rivers)

My favorite gay quarterback is Matt Hasselbeck. He did a pretty good job of pretending he was straight for a long time, having a wife who gave birth a couple times to babies that he allegedly donated his sperm to. But then he took this picture:

And it is obvious, conclusive evidence that Matt Hasselbeck likes sex with men. It was probably his idea for him and Trent Dilfer (also gay) to take their shirts off. Also: black and white photography is gay.

J.P. Losman. Long hair. Loses a lot. Gay and gay.

Eli Manning was clearly sexually abused by his older brother. Hence his closeted self-loathing is taken out on the football field (where he is timid and cowardly) and in karaoke bars (where he is fabulous).

Michael Vick. NOT gay. Also: not really a quarterback. QED.

Joey Harrington plays the piano. See also: Elton John; Liberace.

Brett Favre has a long-running secret affair with columnist Peter King; Chad Pennington feathers his hair; Vince Young is a top; Brad Johnson is a bottom; Aaron Brooks is a queen; Ben Roethlisberger is a bear; Marc Bulger likes hard cock so much, he changed his last name to Bulger; Jay Cutler‘s mother cuts his hair [EDIT: see also Carson Palmer]; Byron Leftwich pretends to be injured just so his big, strong teammates will carry him downfield; Daunte Culpepper moved to Miami for the lifestyle opportunities in South Beach; Charlie Frye throws like a girl; Jake Delhomme is willing to try anything; Steve McNair actually uses Nair; and Drew Brees… hmm… I got nothin’ on him. I guess he’s the exception that proves the rule.

Gay, gay, gay, and gay. So there, John Amaechi. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it. You know, figuratively.

*Not included: Jon Kitna. I think he’s some kind of asexual alien.