How can I resist?

Who wants action tonight? Satisfaction all night?

Instead of making love, they both made their separate gays.

Looks like Brady enjoys riding something else besides the wind.

Bret, don’t give up an inch if you won’t take him for the mile.

Lose big, mama’s fallen angel.

You gotta cry gay.

You see I pulled into a drive-in and I found a place to park
Brady hopped into the backseat where it’s always nice and dark
I’m just about to move thinkin’ “Bret, this is a breeze”
Then there’s a light in my eye and a guy says “Out of the car, long hair!”
And then Brady said, “But I cut my hair just for you, Mr. Theismann!!!!”

Huge HT to Mondesi’s House for the pic. Those gents run a fine establishment, and I urge you to visit.

On a serious note, I am now really, geniunely rooting for Brady Quinn to be a successful pro. The big galoot has made this offseason 75% more tolerable. I’d hate to see him be the first athlete to ever have his confidence completely destroyed by the Internet. That would make me feel bad. It’s no crime to be a little goofy. On the contrary, it’s quite endearing. Prove the haters wrong, Brady. You can do it, you big gay man!

Oh yes, friends. It’s time to return to Planet Unicorn. Hold onto your pashminas, mangirls.

Nothing smacks of self-indulgent off-season laziness like a YouTube post. But this week, we lack the energy for even a half-assed YouTube search. It’s much easier to post YouTube videos that readers send in to us.

This gem is from rakish gadabout Seth Kolloen from Enjoy the Enjoyment. Feast your eyes on this 1985 Seattle Seahawks’ music video featuring lead vocals from linebacker (and non-thriller) Michael Jackson, who is backed up by the future unfrozen caveman football coach… Mike Tice.

Truthfully, we are more than a little skeeved out by numerous elements of this video, not the least of which are Jackson’s nuthugger shorts and the sax solo in the shower. For a few moments, I thought it might go right into gay porn. Enjoy, kids…

Could this actually be worse than the Glasgow Diamonds’ video?

Reader Kofi Annan has decided to combine two of our favorite pastimes – shitty MS Paint jobs and blatant gay-baiting – into one brilliant image. He writes:

Fuck you all; if you don’t like it you can go suck bradyquinn’s dick.

That former UN ambassador has some moxie, I tell you. It almost makes up for spending years running a completely corrupt and useless organization that exists solely to shamelessly exploit city parking permits. Fucking diplomats.

Now that the NFL has decided to start playing games abroad in an attempt to extend their global fanbase, we at KSK have taken it upon ourselves to begin a multi-part series schooling our international friends in all things NFL. First up: England.

Hello, English people! Or should I say, top of the marnin’ to ya? Huh? Huh? It’s my honor to take you on a tour of all things NFL and explain why it might appeal to you folks in London, or as I like to call it, “Seattle With Funny Accents.” No doubt you’ve heard of the NFL, but haven’t had the chance to learn more about it because you were too busy breathlessly overhyping lousy bands (“The new Travis album is absolutely MASSIVE!”) and eating spoonfuls of mayonnaise straight from the jar. But with this crash course, I think you’ll learn to lurve the NFL almost as much as you enjoy the comedic stylings of Ruby Wax.

In addition, you Brittainians have been bestowed with the honor of hosting the first-ever regular season NFL game to be played on European soil. Unfortunately, that game will be played between the New York Giants and Miami Dolphins, which means it will bear more than a striking resemblance to the World Bowl preseason games and London Monarchs WLAF games of years past. My apologies. Nevertheless, that didn’t stop 40,000 of you from snapping up tickets for the game at Wembley the day they went on sale. Sure, most of those tickets were probably bought by American citizens living abroad. But I’m sure the remaining 6 of you actual UK natives will learn to enjoy watching Eli Manning overthrow receivers with the same inexplicable sense of schadenfreude as us Americans.

Until that magical day on October 28, here’s a handy Let’s Go guide to the NFL tailored to the sensibilities of all you pasty, strawberry-blond Limeys. So let’s get pissed on some American football!

What You’ll Think Is Ace About The NFL:
-The Manning family. They’re just like the Royal Family, only somehow more inbred
-With Americans in the stands, you’ll have a proper outlet for violent hooliganism
-Tampa QB’s Jeff Garcia and Chris Simms only men on Earth gayer than Graham Norton
-Excuse to drink pints of Beamish Red every Sunday between the hours of 6:15PM and 5:30AM
-FOX camerawork eerily resembles hacky jump-cutting of a Guy Ritchie film
-Terrible Cleveland Browns offense mimics the start-stop rhythms of Dizzie Rascal
-Gives Americans something to occupy themselves, delaying them from doing horrible things like invading sovereign nations and producing American remake of “Coupling”
-Fun to notice differences between Stuart Scott’s lazy eye and Thom Yorke’s lazy eye
-Halftime show allows for quick trip to Sainsbury’s for HP Sauce and cold meat pies
-Opportunity to see heterosexual black men, of which England is conspicuously absent
-Being across the Atlantic means John Madden cannot visit
-British affinity for the words “cunt”, “cunty”, and “cunting” will really help drive the inherent sexism in the sport home
-Frequent stoppages in play allow Brits more time to enjoy national pastime of cattily bitching about everything
-NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell looks oddly British
-Switching to NFL allows transition from shitty blogs like Arseblog to superior dick joke blogs like KSK

What You’ll Think Is Absolute Shite About The NFL:
-The padding. Yes, yes, rugby players are tougher because they don’t wear pads and play exclusively in hot pants (nice kit!). Whatever. I’m sure Ray Lewis wouldn’t last one second playing for Leicester. You keep on believing that
-For Welsh fans: distracting amount of consonants in player’s last names
-Not enough advertising on uniforms or field
-Lack of Carling scarves in the crowd
-The coaches. American coaches are far less histrionic than their British soccer counterparts. You’ll never hear things like, “WHAT IS THIS UGLINESS?” from an American coach. Sir Alex Ferguson has more charisma in his gusset than Andy Reid does in his whole big fat body
-Joe Buck. Yes, we also hate him here. So why do we put him on television? No clue. Tough shit. He’s your problem now
-Game played by group of people that still fail to acknowledge subpar talents of Robbie Williams

Tailgate Options:
We all know British food tastes like fresh parrot shit (Cloves? Tom Collins mix? Frozen pie crust? Mmmmm!). But, luckily for you, the early 20th century British slave trade created an influx of Indian immigrants that actually knew how to make passable cuisine. That’s why I suggest an all-Indian tailgate party outside of Wembley. Feast on Aloo Gobi, Samosas, Chicken Tikka Masala, Daal, Naan, and other tasty dishes. But make sure you get some meat in there. That all-vegetarian thing with Indian food is for faggots men who enjoy the company of other men.

Players That Will Appeal To British Sensibilities:
-Eli Manning. No one’s whiter than Eli Manning
-All kickers
-All punters
-Suspended players Chris Henry and Pacman Jones will happily reenact the drunken escapades of Jennifer Saunders and Joanna Lumley
-Persistent fuckup Michael Vick like a black, mobile Pete Doherty
-Dhani Jones. Literate linebacker could pass himself off as lead singer of Bloc Party if need be

I hope you British folk enjoyed our condescending little tour through our American footie league. We’ll see you at Wembley in October! Thought you were seeing Paul Weller Rodgers fronting Queen and destroying Freddie Mercury’s legacy that night? Boy, are you in for a surprise!

I’m not even going to try to pass this off as something obliquely NFL-related by connecting Cadillac the Unicorn to Cadillac Williams, or by saying that the gay 8-year-old boy has a passing resemblance to Eli Manning, or that this looks like something Brady Quinn dreamed up. Some things (like lolcats) are just amazing to behold, and as soon as noted commenter Brooklyn Becky sent this to me, I felt an immediate need to share this with everyone I knew. I sent it to my boss, who posted it on GorillaMask. I showed it to the Gay Mafia, who to a man declared its brilliance. I held my dog’s head to the computer screen and made her watch it.

And now, I share it with you, beloved KSK readers, the finest assemblage of drunks and college dropouts and pothead NFL fans whose lives are quickly going nowhere. God bless all of you, and enjoy.

Lots of choice comments on our Brady Quinn post yesterday. Caveman and UM were quite taken with the “Sacks Fifth Avenue” comment. I suggest reading them all for a hearty chuckle. But here are your winning comments, as determined arbitrarily by me:

BRONZE
Chamomiles Davis said…
“Greg, honey, is it supposed to be this soft?”

SILVER
Awful Chief said…
A reach pick for the Browns

GOLD
SMP said…
Mind if I play through (the thin, soft, pliable cotton fabric)?

Lotta gayness in those pics. Here’s a cheerleader to make up for it. Enjoy the weekend, kids.

Scouts have always said Brady Quinn excelled at gripping the ball.

HEY-O!!!!!!!!

Caption contest in the comments. Winners get posted tomorrow.

Man, my hair looks great. I mean, I think it looks really good. I used some product, but not a lot. I really worked it into the ends. Gives it a nice sheen. It looks playful, yet serious all at once. I think teams will get a really good message from this hair. I’m a matinee idol, but I’m also one of the guys. And that’s important. God, what a great day. I can’t wait to be a Raider. I’ve always wanted to turn a franchise around. I wonder if Jerry Porter likes to play Ultimate. I bet we could really connect if we played some Ultimate together.

With the first pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the Oakland Raiders select JaMarcus Russell.

What? Oh, man. Oh, that is their loss, man. I mean, Condon told me they were planning on taking that guy, but I didn’t actually BELIEVE him. But I guess it makes sense. Everyone in Oakland is black, so they needed a black QB. I get that. That’s a very progressive attitude, and I support it. God, my hair looks great. I wish I had remembered my concealer today. I wonder if Mr. Davis noticed the blemishes. I thought they gave me a really rugged sort of look. I should have brought my concealer. Shit. Oh well, guess I’m headed to Detroit.

With the second pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the Detroit Lions select Calvin Johnson.

Oh, man. Really? No, no. That’s okay. I understand that. They have Jon Kitna already, and he’s a good Christian. I guess I’m going to Cleveland. Man, they’re gonna go crazy for my bear… uh, girlfriend in Cleveland. No one in Cleveland is this blonde. Man, she is BLONDE. Guys like blondes, right? Am I right on that? I made sure she dyed it SUPER blonde. God, she’s almost like an albino. That’s a good look. Very Finnish. Man, my hair looks good. Hello, Cleveland! Hello, Cleveland!

With the third pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the Cleveland Browns select Joe Thomas.

Hello? Cleveland? Man, what’s happening? Is it the Virginia Tech pin? Was that too transparent? God, my hair looks so good. Kyan Douglas did it himself. I don’t get this. Joe Thomas doesn’t have great hair. He’s not even here! He’s fishing!

Oh God, that’s it! He went fishing! That’s, like, what guys do! Oh man, he’s so smart! By, like, saying he wasn’t interested in going to the draft, that made him look tough. I totally should have skipped the draft to get my legs waxed. Or go hunting. Definitely go hunting. That’s the right move. Uh oh, here comes Suzy Kolber. Okay, act dignified. You’re going into broadcasting 15 years from now, Quinn. Get your polish down now!

Okay, that went well. Maybe Tampa will take me.

With the fourth pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the Tampa Bay Bucs select Gaines Adams.

Maybe not. Maybe the Redskins will. If anyone knows star power, it’s Mr. Snyder. I had dinner with him twice. I had the miso-glazed cod. I think it went really well.

With the sixth pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the Washington Redskins select LaRon Landry.

I should have ordered the porterhouse.

With the seventh pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the Minnesota Vikings select Adrian Peterson.

It’s the hair. I think the hair has scared people off. I think it looks TOO good. Like, if my hair looks this good, then maybe it would foster resentment in the locker room? But it looks GREAT!

Shit, you know what it is? It’s the vest. I had the vest sized one size too small. I really thought it look more manly if I were just bursting right out of it. That was an error. God, how could I have been so dumb? Clearly, I should have worn a jacket. The brown silk on the back is exposed! It’s not supposed to be exposed! Gah!

Okay Brades, just settle down. It’s clear now. We’re going to Miami. This is good. It’s a great organization. And Miami is a perfect fit! The whole scene down on South Beach is really faboo. Okay, I’m excited. So I lost a little money. People in Miami will understand this hair, and what it’s all about. I feel good. I’m gonna try and smile now, even though I can usually only manage a half-smirk, just like every lacrosse player ever born. All right, sunny Miami! Here I come!

With the ninth pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the Miami Dolphins select…

Yes?

Ted Gi…

I can’t see. I think I’m blind. Is this really happening? Can I get a Dasani? I think I’m having a hot flash. Oh God, here comes Suzy again. Oh, God. Man, she’s got the same look on her face that she gets when someone’s been carted off the field wearing a halo. I can’t face her… I have to get away… I have to… I have to… GO DANCING.

(leaves, goes dancing)

God, that felt great. Sometimes, you just have to go dance. It’s so freeing. Where are we now?

The New York Jets have made a trade.

Oooooh! Delicious! The Big Apple. Nice. Brades, I think you and I are gonna be just fine. I think I’ll live in DUMBO. That’s a very in neighborhood right now. John Norris from MTV lives there, I think.

With the fourteenth pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the New York Jets select…

Hoo boy, here we go!

…Darrelle Revis.

Who the fuck is that? No, I’m NOT fine, thank you. I am now officially PISSED OFF. Okay? I did everything right except beat ranked opponents. Look at my hair! I didn’t get this hair styled just to be a second rounder! Ridiculous. Nobody else coordinated like I did, god dammit. I want some resolution here.

(phone rings)

Condon? Hey, ‘sup. What? The Ravens want to trade up for me? Really? You know what? That’s perfect. And you know why? Because none of this would have happened if those fucking Browns had just picked me. Fuckers. Fuck Cleveland. There. I said it. Fuck ‘em. They don’t rock SHIT. You don’t deserve this hair, Cleveland. You’re just Columbus on a fucking lake. Okay? Look at me! I’m showing some fire! I’m a competitor, God dammit! And now I get to go to the Ravens and torture you Clevelanders for the rest of your fucking existence. The irony is a delight. You’ll pay, Cleveland. Brades is gonna haunt you.

The Cleveland Browns have made a trade.

Pfft. Whatever. They probably traded up to draft a tater tot or some other inanimate object. Fuck you Cleveland.

With the twenty-second pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the Cleveland Browns select Brady Quinn.

Oh. Uh, goodie. Um… I love Cleveland! I really do! Always have! I’m really excited. No, I really am. Joe Thomas. Dennis Northcutt. It’s great. How my hair? Is it okay? I hope this hat doesn’t ruin it.

I don’t watch “American Idol,” but I don’t have anything against it. Anything that gives the world Carrie Underwood and Katherine McPhee in new outfits every week certainly has my support. But it annoys the piss out of me that all the contestants are coached to sing DIRECTLY INTO THE CAMERA. I like to see performers who lose themselves in the song and have the potential to spontaneously A) Break shit, B) Light something on fire, or C) Jump off of something. And it’s hard to express yourself with naked passion when you’re constantly searching for the best boy.

Oh, and a majority of the contestants suck. That tends to hurt its appeal. Unless, of course, you’re a 12-year-old girl. Ah, those eternal barometers of shitty musical taste. Who else but 12-year-old girls could give the world such musical abortions as David Cassidy, Jordan Knight, Vanilla Ice, Ashlee Simpson, and Bono? Well, those little harlots have really outdone themselves this time. Their new favorite eardrum rapist? Guhhhhhhh…

Sanjaya Malakar. If you ever thought to yourself, “Damn, I wish Jermaine Stewart had been a bigger star,” well you’re in luck. I’m not even sure Sanjaya is human. It’s like he was manufactured by Mattel after years of extensive focus grouping. Why, he even sings out of tune, just like you! Sanjaya is a triumph of style and manufactured hype over actual usefulness.

And, in that sense, he’s just like Notre Dame QB Brady Quinn.

I’ve watched the NFL Draft every year for God knows how long, and it’s clear to me, more than ever, that NFL teams and prognosticators feel the need to arbitrarily assign one or two quarterbacks to the top five of the draft for no good reason. It’s like they all collectively get together and say, “Wait a second, the top of this draft needs QB’s! Let’s draw two names out of this top hat!” I once heard that, when Alex Smith and David Carr were drafted in the top slot, the words “Fuck it” were also written on the draft card.

Now, this wasn’t the case last year. Vince Young and Matt Leinart were exceptions to the rule. Yet Leinart dropped to 10th, almost as if to be punished for actually being a good prospect. I don’t feel like Brady Quinn and JaMarcus Russell are in the league of those two, yet both are almost certain to be drafted in the Top 5, if not the Top 3. Why? Fuck if I know. It wasn’t until after the season that people even spoke of Russell as a prospect for the top pick. It’s a conspiracy, I tell you.

Quinn’s presence at the top of the draft is particularly vexing. Like Sanjaya, he seems more a product of people WANTING him to succeed rather than having to skills to succeed on his own. He’s also queer. Perhaps a comparison is in order. Or, perhaps, it’s time to resurrect our long dormant “Quien Es Mas Macho?” series to determine just who is the lesser of two fakes. And so, we break out the pros and cons lists to find out…

Quien Es Mas Macho?! Sanjaya O Quinn?

Pros:
-Beautiful veneers
-Exotic background gets him points for diversity, even though in spirit he’s whiter than a glacier
-Flawlessly groomed eyebrows
-Smile, while creepy and insincere to adults, is black tar heroin to prepubescent idiots
-Versatile hair! Take that Simon, with your inexplicable 1950’s Coast Guard flattop
-His sister? You’d hit it.
-High-pitched voice attracts nearby dolphins
-Will make a smashing Grand Marshall in the Greenwich Village Halloween Parade

Cons:
-No muy macha
-Fucking awful
-Is only 17, cannot buy his fans the Parliaments they so desperately want
-Completely lacking in cynicism and seems to be genuinely enjoying the competition. Americans hate that shit.
-There may be duplicates of him
-Potential of him winning threatens the *snicker* integrity of “American Idol”.
-Gays are trying to break out of that whole “flaming queen” stereotype. You aren’t helping progress, Fruit Loop

Brady Quinn

Pros:
-Mildly strong arm!
-White!
-Non-threatening!
-Went to Catholic school!
-Loved by uptight New Jerseyians!
-Beat Navy!
-People know who he is!
-Played for Charlie Weis, just like Rohan Davey!
-Un poco macho, if you don’t look at the above picture
-Can plow an entire acre of sorghum with front teeth
-Looks great doing draft telecast lead-ins! Can spin a football on his finger!
-Adorable moptop hair conveys a playful spirit
-Not afraid to break the NFL’s “lover of cock” barrier

Cons:
-Sucks
-Sucks balls
-Will cost you a $25 million signing bonus to suck balls for your team
-Has the potential to increase suicide rates in Cleveland even further
-His sister? You’d hitch it.
-Needs to work on throwing motion while in fetal position while playing Michigan or other decent opponent
-Stands out as a QB in absolutely no way

A tough matchup. But in the end, we have to choose the machoest man, and that man is…