Donovan McNabb: It’s about that time, my Benny bear. I’ve waited so long.

Ben Roethlisberger: HI DONOVAN

McNabb: Four years. Whew. Four. Long. Years. Can you believe it?

Roethlisberger: WE’RE DOING GOOD RIGHT NOW!

McNabb: I bet you are. How’ve you been holding up?

Roethlisberger: MY SHOULDER BEEN SPRAINED. OR SEPARATED. I THINK SPRAINERATED.

McNabb: Sounds like you need a rubdown.

Roethlisberger: GOT TRAINERS FOR RUBDOWN.

McNabb: How ’bout I be your trainer?

Roethlisberger: GOTTA ASK COACH

McNabb: Don’t be like that. You let coach tell you how to run your life?

Roethlisberger: SOMETIMES

McNabb: Well I think you - Oh shit, that cameraman is watching us. Play the part, man, play the part. [Raises voice with forced bass] Yeah, well, ya’ll got us last time, bitch, but that was then! I’mma throw all over the field on your lame-ass secondary! Me and Westbrook gone light shit up.

Roethlisberger: HOPE SOMEONE TAPES THE NEW ENTOURAGE FOR ME

McNabb: Yeah, well, FUCK YOU, man. We’re the only real team in this state. We gone keep it all the way live in the 215! For real!

Roethlisberger: HARF HARF HARF THAT RHYMES

McNabb: … All right, he’s gone. [Adopts tender voice] You know I love that laugh. Makes my dick wanna vomit like it’s the Super Bowl all over again. So you’re gonna call me, right? I mean it. Call me, Ben.

Call meeeeee

So I can make it juicy for ya.

C-call meeeee!

So I can get it juicy for ya

C-call meeeee!

Roethlisberger: OKAY, BUT HINES GOTTA SHOW ME HOW TO WORK THE PHONE.

Here’s Brady Quinn wearing tights and practicing one of the many positions he is required to learn as an “open bottom” at the local steel mill’s weekend raves. Keep those hip UP, young man. It’s the only way you’re gonna be able to fit a industrial strength curling iron inside your body cavity.

Zak Keasey is drooling at his computer AS WE SPEAK.

“So Michael, tell me more about how tight those LZR swimsuits get.”

Thanks to reader I’m Your Huckleberry.

e-Mancipate Link

Image via Busted Coverage

(more…)

We’re running on a bit of a skeleton staff here this week with Drew getting a rum and coke enema at the Cape and flubby out with his traveling band of hillbilly bears, so we’re doing our best to keep up with the travails of the gayest QBs in the NFL, many of whom are struggling to reach an understanding, or even climax, with the objects of their affection.

Courtesy of Hot Clicks is Bretty Boy going for his own Lloyd Dobler effect.

Before even that, Jeff Garcia visibly bore the frustration of a hopeful yet strung along bride-to-be when he discusses a possible Favre liaison with that philanderer Jon Gruden:

“Jon Gruden hasn’t given you an answer yet?” Garcia said. “He loves quarterbacks. But he likes to just date. He doesn’t like to marry.”

Silly goosey Garcia, don’t you know how stereotypically promiscuous the gays are? You dumb old queen, let a real man, like Brady Quinn show you how to work it. He’s not concerned with settling down, not when his calves are looking so good in those black tights! Woooo! Look out, the other six gay guys in Ohio! Brady’s ready to stalk you in the night like a cat.

Help! Please someone, help me! I’ve been taken hostage by Jon Gruden and the Bucs! You’ve got to do something! They’ve locked me in the basement, and placed a ball gag on me! And they often spend all day tickling me. They’re so strong and rough! I can’t take the sheer ecstasy!

Oh, it’s terrible, the conditions they’ve left me in. Just the other day, they placed me in a barrel and made me fellate members of the staff! It was heaven… I mean, it was terrible! And sometimes, they whip me! They tie me to a post in the “Love Brig” and take out their long, leather whips, flaying me across the back as a man in a gimp mask tickles my balls! And they just whip me and whip me until I’m begging for more! No, please! I can’t take these kind of earth-shattering orgasms! It’s just like “Kiss of the Spider Woman”!

This is all Jon Gruden’s doing! He’s an animal! With his sun-bleached blonde hair, and his rippling muscles, and his husky voice, and his take-charge attitude! This man is a monster! No one can resist his charms! Oh, how I wish I were free from his mesmerizing spell! But he’s just so… so very dreamy. Can’t you see how he’s managed to enslave me somewhat against my will?

You must help me! I cannot get out of this terrible cycle of lusty pirate BDSM. The abuse is just so horrible, and titillating. Just last week, they stuck a feather up my ass! God, how I hated it. And loved it. No, I hated it! No, I loved it! I HATED THAT I LOVED IT! GAHHHHH!!!!!

SET ME FREE, BUCS! LET ME GO FROM THIS HORRIBLE, WONDERFUL OBSESSION! QUIT PLAYING YOUR IRRESISTIBLE SEX GAMES!

How long’d I play there? Four years? And you couldn’t have let through just a few measly gay nuptials? Same old story. Shit, I played in the CFL until 1998, then Canada went ahead and legalized gay marriages in 2005.

I mean, it’s not that I’m gay or anything. Heavens no. We’ve been through this. Straight as something that is universally thought of as straight. That’s what I am! There’s nothing I enjoy like some wet and wild heterocourse, which is what I like to call it when I’m smoking a cigarette after I get done totally giving the sex to my lovely, lovely wifely-type person. That girl, man, she’s so pleasing to what is considered men’s popular taste in women. Right? Thinking about her just makes me sexually excited in a macho way that thoroughly dispels questions of my sexual preference.

Back in San Francisco, I remember spending endless nights talking with T.O. discussing about what it would be like when the ruling came down. We were such bold fiery progressives in those days.

Then he went to Philly and Dallas, had some emotional problems, got involved in porn AND WHY DIDN’T YOU CRY FOR ME AT PRESS CONFERENCES, ELDORADO, MY LOST RECEIVER OF PASSION!?

Whhhhhhaaaa? You got something for mmmmeeeee? Nnnnnnoooo, you shouldn’t've, YOU BIG SILLY.

Oooh, thank you, thank you, you big huge Mister Mansssssss. Now I forgive you for all that nasty talk you was giving me on New Year’s Eve. You always knew I liked to be debased just a lil’.

That’s right, put down that gushing bottle of EAS and come give me some sugar, cuddlefish.

And don’t think I forgot YOUR gift.

Is it possible that the Manning family is growing tired of all this football business? Well now that Eli has overtaken Peyton as the dominant brother under center the whole family is poised for a move in a whole new direction.

Somebody over at NFL.com just became my new hero. Apparently Elisha Manning is questionable for today’s game against Green Bay and Britney Favre…

But don’t worry Indy fans, Petunia Manning is healthy and flowering.

Note: Eli’s birth name is actually Elisha Nelson Manning, oddly enough he’s always gone by “Eli”…just don’t tell NFL.com’s Injury Report guy.

HT: Sexy Sarah at Strike Zones and End Zones