Many of you made very generous donations to Fight Gone Bad during our annual KSK Kares Kharity Drive earlier this month (and if you would like to donate, you still can by clicking here until October 5th). Due to your bloodthirsty support, I went through the workout with a freshly shaved head, rainbow metallic snakeskin short-shorts, a matching headband, and a camera crew to record it all.

The video editor I’ve hired won’t have all the footage cut and mixed into a nice little video for about a month, but until then, you are welcome to ridicule the photos below the jump. Fellas, be warned: you probably don’t want to see this. Ladies… well, you probably don’t, either. Whatever.

Do you worst.

Note the adjustments I’m making in back. Suzi Fox makes some great short-shorts, but if you do squats in them, they WILL ride up your ass. Here’s another example:

Due to reader concerns about my junk, I wore a jock strap with the shorts. As you can see.

Out of the way, Guy in the White Shirt! We’re trying to photograph side-ass here!

Oh, and here’s me shaving my head.

Hey, anyone need to wash their clothes? Too bad, because that washboard is long gone. I lost that definition by consuming an ocean of beer after the workout.

I should note that these aren’t even the BAD pictures. If you can bump my fundraising total up to $25,000, I’ll post photos of the face I make during rowing. It’s kind of like an angry sex face, but with a rainbow headband. SEXY!

Pardon the interruption of football discussion, but I thought some of you might be interested in an update on the KSK Kares Kharity Drive benefiting Livestrong and The Wounded Warrior Project, seeing as how my rainbow metallic snakeskin short-shorts from Liquid Vinyl Clothing have finally arrived. I can’t explain my rationale for thinking this, but somehow I expected “rainbow metallic snakeskin” to be more tasteful. Nope.

Oh, and by the way: the shorts in the banner picture are NOT the shorts I’ll be wearing this Saturday. Oh no, the pair above came free with my order, for cruel reasons that remain a mystery to me. The shorts above offer ACRES of leg coverage compared to the shorts I’ll be sporting at Fight Gone Bad this weekend. Witness:

When these arrived yesterday, I laughed, because it was too painful to cry. I tried them on, and realized instantly that this was whole thing was a TERRIBLE idea. The slit on the side of the leg simply DOES NOT STOP.

On Saturday morning, I will shave my head, put on these shorts (and a matching headband), and put myself through a workout that may very well make me throw up. And then I will put pictures and video of the event on the Internet for all to see. These are things that people will see when they Google “Matt Ufford.” This Saturday will be an indelible mark of embarrassment, assuming I don’t get arrested for masturbating at the zoo before then (in which case it will be a step up).

The only thing that can make this debacle worthwhile for me is if you take the time to donate to my fundraising page to help out injured veterans and cancer patients. Right now I’m close to $22,000. Please, I’d feel so much better if I could say that my pride was worth $25,000.

ON SET with Adult film star Admiral Pavel Becker, the Naval Pecker, with additional cast and crew, for the filming of the last scene in his Christmas special, Chestnuts Roasting On Your Open Mouth, Part 6.

————

Fred: Thank God, we’re finally gonna shoot the last scene of this movie and then we can wrap this bitch.

Andy: You know, Fred, I was thinking. “Pavel” and “Naval” don’t even rhyme. That sort of kills the whole thing for me.

Fred: Fuck you, smart guy. It looks great on the box, especially with the anchors and that Donald Duck uniform. That’s all we give a shit about in this business; it’s all about presentation. You can take your lacy frills and Mother Goose bullshit down the block.

Andy: Hey, Freddy, don’t mind me. I’m just impressed you got Gina Gershon in this movie.

Jeanie: (walks in) Uh, sweetie, it’s Jeanie Gershonn. With two Ns (puffs on a cigarette and blows the smoke in Andy’s face)

Director: Bitch, who said you could smoke on my set? (walks up behind Jeannie) Is Dick Van Dyke gonna chimney sweep the fucking tar out of my lungs? Get your ass on that sleigh, you rusty old cunt. (to the crew) Alright everybody! Chop chop, you little fucksticks! Okay, Jeanie. It’s time to save Christmas. And by “Save Christmas,” I mean “videotape you getting fucked raw.” (puts on headphones)

Jeanie: (licks palm of her hand and extinguishes the cigarette in it) Sure thing, sweetie. (gets on the sleigh with Becker, who is wearing nothing but a fake white beard and boots)

Director: Now, Becker, just go through your lines like we did in rehearsal, okay?

Becker: Ready!

Director: Okay, places, everyone! Quiet on the set motherfuckers! I am more important than all of you! Lights are good!…Camera rolling!…Cue the snow!…Aaaand cue the reindeer!…And ACTION!

Jeanie: So, can you tell me, are you…are you really Santa Claus?

Becker: Yes, Virginia…I am…Santa Claus.

Jeanine: Well, then…maybe I could meet…Santa’s Little Helper?

Becker: Cut!

(bell rings)

Director: (takes off headphones) Goddamn it Bruno, I’M the one that says cut! I’m the goddamn director!

Becker: Sorry, boss, but…it’s….it’s….

Director: Just spit it out, princess–

Becker: We don’t have my, uh, full attention.

Director: Jesus Fucking Christ, Becker, you and your rubber torpedo are gonna be the death of me.

Becker: That’s RUGGED Torpedo!

Director: Whatever, lady. (turns around) Fred, can you get Michelle out here? Time to fluff up another flat pecker.

Fred: Sorry, boss. Michelle’s taking an early lunch at Panera, but the agency can send someone over right away.

Director: Agency? Since when did we hire a fucking agency?

(from the back) Not a fucking agency, sir! A fluffing agency!

Director: (looking around) Who the fuck was that?

Maurice: (enthusiastically) It’s me! (hands resume to director)

Director: Wha–what the fuck is this? Most fluffers don’t hand in resumes…(looks at resume)…uh, Morris?

Maurice: That’s Maurice! Not Morris.

Director: Well, okay, Maurice not Morris (hands resume to Fred), get over there and get your hands dirty.

Maurice: Hands?! Well, what if I just take this and give a good (baritoned gagging sound)

Becker: Holy–wha…woowwwwww.

Andy: Wait, did he just–

Fred: Excuse me, is this a valid address? 800 Occidental Ave South, Seattle? Box 20?

Director: You’re a goddamn professional, Becks, just go with it. Carl, are you getting this?

Carl: (operating camera) Oh, I’m getting it. This is like taping Rodney King, but reversed. And gay.

Director: Yeah, that boom cam’s looking like a pretty good investment now, isn’t it?

Fred: (watches while slowly shaking his head) Wow, he’s really getting after it.

Director: I always enjoy watching someone so masterful at his craft. Just amazing.

Sean Astin: He’s telling his own story; you can truly feel the pathos.

Carl: Somebody needs to feed that guy. He’s like a starving orphan over there.

Andy: Where have I heard that expression before?

Director: Hang on, I think he’s finally coming up for air…

Maurice: (out of breath) Let’s…try something else…I call this (drops to his knees)…the “Trey Wingo.”

Director: Why’s he standing behind him?

Carl: And why’s he holding up those three fingers and coating them with Astroglide?

Fred: You know, I think he’s gonna jam them right up his–

EVERYONE: AWWWWWWWWWWW!!!

Fred: Jesus Shit! I think he got some elbow on that!

Andy: That’s an uppercut for the ages.

Director: I hope Maurice not Morris remembered to take off his watch.

Carl: Don’t you need a guardian present to jump into the deep end like that?

Maurice: (pumping feverishly) This will give that grumpy little prostate something to think about!

Fred: Uppercut! Uppercut!

Director: Now, does he call it the “Trey Wingo” because he’s using three fingers? Like Trey as in Three?

Carl: Or because when you set your hand like that, it looks like a W? You know, W for Wingo.

Andy: Or is it because this whole ordeal is associated with sports somehow?

Maurice: (retrieving his arm)…There. I just went two yards right up the middle. That ought to do it.

Becker: (looks down with delight) All right! All hands, attention on deck!

Director: God bless you, Maurice.

Fred: And God bless these fifty United States.

Director: Alright, places everyone! Let’s get set here! (puts on headphones) Cue the snow!…aaaand Go for reindeer! Aaaand ACTION!

Jeanie: So, can you tell me, are you…are you really Santa Claus?

Becker: Yes, Virginia…I am…sorry, sorry, guys. I just…

Director: CUT! (Bell rings) Goddamn it, now what?

Becker: Just remind me…what’s my motivation?

Director: (throws headphones to the ground) Fuck this shit, I quit.

Not bad at all, but whether or not she’d have been worthy of enshrinement in the Friday Cheerleader Post is debatable. The olive-skinned nineteen year-old with the DNA of a Shah and the tits of a goddess was always hot but in the years since her “retirement” she’s moved on to full-fledged sexpot.

Now we’re getting somewhere.

As you can see Sarah has become a favorite of the magazine world. In addition to gracing the covers of fitness magazines she’s twice been named to the Maxim Hot 100 list. Not bad for somebody you’ve never heard of.

Holy fucknut, Batman!

More recently she’s transitioned from stationary spooge target to a rather legitimate actress, and now I really want to fuck her. Unfortunately I’m not the only one…

All that sexiness and the crucial drug connects? I may have to turn in my talis.

Believe it or not that was the very same Sarah Shahi from last week’s breakthrough episode of The Sopranos. Although she’s done quite a bit of acting in her past fucking Tony Soprano can immediately triple your Q rating. If you already knew Sarah before it was probably from her role in Showtime’s The L Word, a delightfully sexy show about a bunch of ladies who just haven’t managed to meet the right man. If you aren’t familiar with the show I’d recommend checking OnDemand to see if the second season is available for your viewing pleasure. Granted, I’ve never “seen” the show but from what I can tell from the stills it’s a winner all the way around…

Have a good weekend, and if you get a chance check out Andre Berto on the undercard of tomorrow’s fight (it shouldn’t last more than half a round and it will be well worth your time).

Big thanks to The Big Lead and Datehole Dateholer for dropping the knowledge