I hope you assholes know how lucky you are. While you’re sitting there enjoying this sexy Friday I’m conducting inventory in a 100,000 square foot warehouse from the crack of dawn until I bludgeon myself to death with a clipboard.

Oh, and if you’re not into Bengal fans sporting fake grills or Eagle fans flexing/buffalo stancing/attempting to fart continue after the jump for additional sexiness.

Anyway, on to the picks!

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Hey brah, I’m not wearin’ a bra, brah!

Welcome to another week of Always Be Covering, the blogosphere’s premier source for retarded gambling advice. While the bets we make won’t always play out the way we envision, it certainly does make things interesting to see them blow up every week (I really did bet on that Thigpen guy…twice). What’s the alternative, dumping all of your money into one of those fancy financial stocks? That’s all well and good, but then every Sunday all you get to do is cheer for all the teams to play well. You pathetic piece of shit. Just sack up and make some foolhardy wagers based upon those of a blogger under the influence of various substances.

On to the picks!
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Thank God it’s Week 2, because last week was pretty fucking brutal. Even my real bets got the shit kicked out of them at the last possible minute (Rosario Dawson is a bitch). This week we must go on the offensive with reckless abandon. Remember, sensible gambling will get you nowhere, so don’t be such a god damn pussy. If we’re going to lose, we’re going to lose big, motherfucker!

Quote of the Week: “The more you know, the more you know you don’t know.”

On to the picks!

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Welcome back, one and all, to the third season of Always Be Covering. There’s a full slate of action set for Week 1, so let’s get in there and eat some store-bought crumbcake.

Did I say always be covering? Because I meant, “pass the fucking ball!”

Quote of the Week: You got leads. Mitch & Murray paid good money. Get their names to sell them. You can’t close the leads you’re given, you can’t close shit, you are shit, hit the bricks pal, and beat it, ’cause you are going out.

It’s the first week of the season, which means no Glengarry leads for you, fuckos. These leads may be shit, but the fact of the matter is that we’re going into the season blinder than Drew’s first sexual conquest. Can Shawne Merriman walk? Is a healthy St. Louis any good? Nobody fucking knows, and if they do, they’re full of more shit than Berman the morning after Red Lobster’s Shrimp Fest. So what better way to start the season than with a full spread of feeler bets?

On to the picks (before I start thinking about last night again and cutting myself some more)!
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My online sportsbook of choice, Bodog Life, is known for some of their rather unusual prop and future bets. Now I’ve made no secret of my fondness for wagering on American Idol results, and any other stupid shit that can make daily life more entertaining and profitable. So when I learned that Bodog was offering odds on the first NFL player to wind up in cuffs this season I was intrigued. Then I looked at their list, a list that fails to include even one token white guy! Apparently Bodog feels that the only guys worth mentioning in the same sentence as “NFL player arrested” are black, and some of them don’t even make the slightest bit of sense.

Chris Henry, Bengals: 4/6

Well yeah, obviously. If we were just betting on whether a player would get busted or not in the next year I’d be all over this, but if it’s just the first guy to get arrested then I’ll need some better odds.

Pacman Jones, Cowboys: 1/1

Fair enough, but again, the odds are a joke.

Tank Johnson, Cowboys: 2/1

Shit, Tank lives in Texas now. If he gets caught with another cache of handguns and assault rifles he’s going to be nominated for a seat on the state senate. Of course there’s still a decent chance he could get pulled over for driving while black again, but they can’t actually charge him with that (outside of Mississippi).

Ray Lewis, Ravens: 5/1

Ever since Ray watched his buddies kill that guy and got caught obstructing justice he’s been a model citizen. Thanks, Jesus!

Steve Smith, Panthers: 5/1

As far as I know, Steve Smith has never been convicted of any sort of crime (and no, punching a teammate in practice is not going to get you arrested any time soon). What I do know (thanks Wiki!) is that he was raised by his mother, a drug counselor who taught him to stay away from that shit. As an adult he’s been a dedicated family man who has partnered with fellow Carolinians Dell Curry and Jay Bilas to form Athletes United for Youth. Oh, and most recently he began interning at Morgan Stanley’s Charlotte branch. HIDE THE WOMEN AND CHILDREN!

Kellen Winslow, Browns: 6/1

Kellen’s record is cleaner than Brady Quinn’s jersey, and if being a douchebag was an arrestable offense in Ohio the whole state would be be on lockdown.

Randy Moss, Patriots: 10/1

Sure, Randy has had some off-field issues in the past, but what jury would ever convict a guy of bumping a traffic cop or getting blazed “once in a blue moon?” Besides, as long as he’s playing in New England nobody’s gonna fuck with him. Unless of course he has a bad game, in which case Tommy’s buddies on the force will waste little time planting crack all over his person.

Ricky Williams, Dolphins: 15/1

Seriously, leave the poor fucking guy alone. Ricky’s never been behind bars because there ain’t shit wrong with a little bit (or a lot) of weed. Ricky, who suffers from Social Anxiety Disorder (like half of the blogosphere), once told ESPN that, “Marijuana is 10 times better for me than Paxil.” Frankly he must have been high when he said that, because marijuana is at least 100,000 times better than Paxil. Sure one gives you the munchies and cotton mouth, but the other one makes you fat and impotent. If anybody should be arrested it’s those cockbags in the pharmaceutical industry (except for whoever developed Xanax, that shit’s alright).

So who does belong on this list with guys like Henry and Pacman? Chris Mottram at the Sporting Blog lobbies for the inclusion of master drunk driver Jared Allen and cokehead Matt Jones, but why stop there? Surely there are more white guys worthy of inclusion on such a list, not to mention all of those mysterious Samoans.

Please include your picks for players (of any race) most likely to get arrested in the comment section.

Oh, and Dennis Northcutt is officially off the board.