Welcome to an exciting Super Bowl edition of Always Be Covering, the internet’s most guaranteed gambling advice column insomuch as we guarantee that it provides gambling advice. Before we get to the big pick we have a special treat, an actual no-holds-barred (except the cross-face chicken wing) interview with Santonio Holmes of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Continue after the jump for all the fun.
Welcome to a special bye week edition of Always Be Covering, where the only rule is that there are no rules. Also, no rabbit punching. Since there are no games this weekend we’re going to jump all over the always entertaining prop bets offered by Bodog. Continue after the jump for your guide to some completely inane wagers.
The Bill Simmons Rocky II Adam Carolla Award for excellence in bullshittery.
Last week a commenter informed me that my picks were the exact opposite of one Sports Guy, and that was just fine with me. Sure, Simmons is a truly brilliant analytical mind brimming with insights that none of us could ever hope to articulate, and I’m just a dipshit who accounts for quality of cheerleader tits when picking games. Needless to say, we both wound up 2-2 for the weekend, proving once again that anybody who pretends to know what the fuck they’re talking about is filled with more shit than the septic system serving Ben’s Chili Bowl and The Grill Next Door.
Seriously though, I’m shocked that Bill’s quest for an 11-0 postseason fell apart after the first weekend. Nobody could have seen that coming. YOU CANNOT DENY THIS!
On to the picks (and Sexy Friday) after the jump!
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Well, well, well. Since the NFL decided to fack ovah THE GREATEST TEAM NEVAH TO MAKE THE PLAYAWFFS, the Tawmstah has been wawtchin’ each of these remaining faggot playawff teams like a hawk! And you know what? NONE OF THEM COMPAY-UH TO THE PATS! They awl have something wrawng with them. THEY LACK HAHHHHT! AND SINCE NONE OF THEM HAVE THE LEGENDARY BAWSTON FAITHFUL BEHIND THEM, ANY OF THEM CAN WIN A TAAAAAAHHHHNISHED SUPER BOWL FARTY THREE!
(watches old Larry Bird highlight tape)
BUT NONE OF THEM COULD BEAT THE FACKIN’ PATS! NO ONE DENIES THIS! Matt Cassel is ready to ushah in a new erah of dawninance. That’s why I wasn’t upset that they didn’t make the playawffs, EVEN IF FACKIN’ RAWJAH GOODELL IS FACKIN’ MUCUS PLUG!
Because I know, deep down, Bill Belichick will make you awl fackin’ pay far what you did! He will! He’s smahhhhht! He knows when to take an intentional safety! YAR FAGGOT COACH DOES NAWT!
(puts keys in toaster)
That’s why you nevah evah saw any Bawston fans complain about the Pats getting FACKED! We’re hahd! We’ve been through the fackin’ FIAH! Instead, we thanked the Pats far a great season. BECAUSE WE’RE-AH CLASSIAH THAN YOU, TAINTLICKAH! NO OTHAH FANBASE WOULD DO THIS!
(spits tobacco juice on newspaper placed on floor)
Now, I won’t lie. Wawatchin’ these othah subpahhhh teams try and win isn’t easy! That’s why I spent most of last week figuring out how to spin the Teixiera signing in the Sawx’s favah! WAY TO SPEND LAWTS OF MONEY THAT WE DIDN’T SPEND, YOU FACKIN’ YANKEE ASSHOLE CUDDLAHS! YOU SACK! EVERYONE HATES THE EVIL EMPIAH! THE SAWX AHHH BUILT FAR THE CAWMMON MAN!
(has porno movie on whenever company is over)
But now that we ahhh at the Divisional Round, I shall now regale you with my special playawff manifesto! Every yee-ah, my buddy Bluebug and I study the lines! WE KNOW VEGAS BETTAH THAN VEGAS DOES! THAT’S WHY I’VE NEVAH LAWST A BET EVAH IN MY LIFE! KNOW YOU KNOW HOW I CAN AFFARD THESE BOXAH BRIEFS!
(lifts up back of shirt)
YOU WON’T FIND THESE CALVINS AT MAHHHHSHALS!
Every yeeah, Bluebug and I follow the manifesto. But if the results diffah from ow-uh rules, we then change the rules to make ow-uhselves LOOK SMAHT! BECAWSE WE AHHH! FACK YOU! FOLLOW THESE GAMBLING RULES AND MAYBE YOU’LL BE A WINNAH.
Oh, I fargawt. You can nevah be a winnah. BECAWSE BAWSTON IS FACKIN’ TITLE TOWN USA WHETHAH ESPN SAYS SO AR NAWT!
1. Nevah bet awn a dahkie coach!
2. Nevah bet awn a dahkie quahhhtahhhback!
3. Nevah bet against Billy Belichick! It’s when you bet against him that he is at his most FEEE-AHSOME!
4. Always bet against any coach nawt named Billy Belichick. THEY ALL SACK AND I AM SMAHHHTAH THAN THEM!
5. Nevah place yar bets with some fackin’ nip. THEY AHH NAWT AWNEST!
6. Have lawts of rules that contradict each othah, so one of them is always right!
7. NEVAH have lawts of rules that contradict each othah, so one of them is always right!
8. Always take the team with the best QB. Unless it’s a Manning, because Mannings ahhh quee-ah!
9. OMIGAWD! THAT TEAM IS JUST LIKE ELLEN BAHHHHKIN! IT’S SO OBVIOUS!
10. FACK YOU!
As far my picks, I’m picking all the road teams! BECAWSE THE TAWMSTAH GOES AGAINST THE FACKIN’ GRAIN! ONLY I HAVE THAT KIND OF FARTITUDE! Maybe you can win some money too. But I doubt it. BECAWSE YOU AHH NAWT A REAL GAMBLAH! EAT A BAWX OF CAWKS!
Welcome to a special Wildcard edition of Always Be Covering, the internet’s premier resource for shitty gambling advice and blond cheerleaders. Seriously, you can’t get this shit anywhere else.
I’m back at it after taking off for Week 17, because if I had wanted to bet on games in which David Carr and Jim Sorgi were prominently involved I would have done so back in August. As you undoubtedly know this week all four road teams are favored, and if you’ve been paying attention you know that I am a total fucking sucker for a road favorite. They’re all so good, how can they not cover a single score?!?! God damn I’m an idiot. With that in mind, on to the picks!
Welcome to the Week 16 edition of Always Be Covering, the internet’s single least reliable picks column. There are only two weeks left in the regular season, and that means that there are only two opportunities left to put your money down against the Raiders. Seriously, what the fuck are you waiting for? Have you seen those fuckers play? Yeah, neither have I. But I’m told they suck with the ferocity of a cock-starved single mother. Continue after the jump for the picks and pics.
Welcome to the Week 15 edition of Always Be Covering where we’re pleased to offer you cheerleaders and guns. This week I managed to remember to actually place my bets, so I’m a veritable lock to go down in a blaze of ignominy. Continue after the jump for this week’s choicest picks.
Well it’s week 14 and as of this morning my Bodog account is down $.20. So much like Pusha T after a particularly active night out in Virginia Beach, it’s time to re-up. But before we get to all of the fun gambling stuff, I’d like to present you with two very different music videos. The first, an original Sean Taylor tribute song presented by 93.9 WKYS, features an unreal lineup of singers and rappers highlighted by the likes of Raheem DeVaughn, Big G of Backyard Band (aka Slim Charles), the soon to be legendary Wale, and Miss Kim of Rare Essence. The track is produced by Jamil Face Johnson, and it is fucking amazing.
Now granted, that wasn’t all that “humorous” (setting aside the line that references the Michael Pittman spitting incident), so I’ll follow up with what might very well be the funniest music video ever created. I don’t know who these people are, but they make me extremely aroused.
That just happened.
On to the picks!
Welcome, one and all, to a special mid-week edition of Always Be Covering. Today we’ll take a close examination of the Thanksgiving day (and night) offerings while thinking about eating some oyster stuffing from between that cheerleader’s tits. It’s a wonder that people even bother asking me what holiday I enjoy most. What do you think I’m going to say, Christmas? Fuck that. Continue after the jump for a special bet of the week.
Welcome to another edition of Always Be Covering, the internet’s worst gambling advice column. Hopefully you’ve gathered by now that KSK isn’t in the “information” business. See what separates us from other gambling advice columns is that other gambling advice columns are gambling advice columns. Sure, sometimes my picks will be absolutely perfect, but then there are occasions like last week where I managed to go a staggering 0 for 7, which is kind of perfect in it’s own imperfect way. Regardless, I feel bad that I may have steered some of you in the wrong direction last week, so I’ll make my amends after the jump.
