Update: This post was written before I read the news of the missing Air France plane. I pulled the post with the intention of re-posting it at a later date, but it’s already showing up on RSS feeds so I’m just putting it back up now. I mean no offense, but if you don’t want to read a satirical post about a quarterback being lost at sea on the same day that a commercial plane was lost at sea then you should just skip over this one.

DALLAS, TX–Officials fear the worst after Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo and his girlfriend Jessica Simpson failed to return from an afternoon boating excursion in the Gulf of Mexico. The couple left the marina two days ago in their 25-foot Malibu Wakesetter speedboat for a day of relaxation and have not been seen since.

Cowboys owner Jerry Jones pledged to fund an extensive search and rescue mission, although he reportedly canceled the operation shortly after watching Stephen McGee and Felix Jones excel in the team’s new “Wildcat” formation during organized team activities.

It appears that family members have also given up hope on finding the superstar couple alive and well after two days at sea. While the Simpson family has yet to issue an official statement, Jessica’s father Joe was overheard speculating as to whether or not they had to wait for the bodies to wash up on shore before collecting on his daughter’s sizable life insurance policy.

They will not be missed.