When we last left fate xeroxer Peter King, he was personally clearing his airplane seat of refuse, which is something that should only happen if you’re living in INDIA. I also put him under legit fire for declaring a carrot he ate to be his first memorable moment of championship weekend. In Peter’s defense, it WAS a big carrot. Thicker than Tebow downstairs. He also rode the cable cars, lamented the lack of Rams home games featuring Tom Brady, and expounding on the wonders of cooking and toxicity.

So what about this week? Did Peter find some other complete idiot who doesn’t like football who Peter thinks has lots of out-of-the-box ideas about the sport? I’m told that Paul Krugman would like to do away with the sport entirely in favor of a series of town hall meetings to discuss the economic effects of raising the capital gains tax. PRETTY HARD HITTING STUFF. And did Peter get to drink more Blue Bottle coffee? READ ON. There’s something about this Fun With Peter King that’s hard to put a finger on, but also very tough to beat.

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When we last left Busy Beaver Peter Kingdrop, he was fully disclosing that he shared an agent with Jeff Fisher, and that you were more than free to not believe him when he said that Jeff Fisher MAYBE KINDA SORTA picked the Rams more than he rejected the Dolphins. You take that report on faith, America. But if you let it seep into your guts, it will blow you away. I think.

So what about this week? Did Gene Steratore travel a lot? Any more meaty Babb Nuggets to digest? Isn’t it a great sign that the Bucs have extended their coaching search by another eight months? Is Philip Seymour Hoffman still the Meryl Streep of male actors? READ ON. This Fun With Peter King is so valid, it’s SCARY.

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When we last left professional cricket sideline reporter Peter King, he was reporting on things that Adam Schefter had reported on, marveling over naked homeless women breastfeeding on the subway, and paying tribute to the drafting prowess of Josh McDaniels. Oh, people of Denver: This wonderful man gave you what will be three wasted years trying to develop an option QB, AND he drafted Knowshon Moreno. STILL HATE HIM, YOU BITTER BOULDERITES?

So what about this week? Where is the grass slipperier today? Did Peter finally see Moneyball? And will Seattle finally get around to fixing the barista problem in New York? Don’t know how you fix this, Seattle, mostly because you are just a collection of people and you have nothing to do with the employee training at coffee franchises in an entirely different city. READ ON. You’re either gonna love this Fun with Peter King, or you’re gonna nap through it!

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When we last left Josh Bickford biographer Peter King, he was maybe almost kinda considering splitting his vote for MVP into portions so small that they can only exist for a billionth of a second and may or may not be the key to unlocking the secrets of extra physical dimensions of the universe. Also, he drank some wine.

So what about this week? I noticed that the teaser on the front page of SI.com for MMQB uses the phrase “the Tebow saga,” which is perfect, since Tim Tebow is EXACTLY like “Twilight.” He has a dedicated legion of fans who scare other people. He’s been remarkably successful despite the fact that critics don’t think he’s any good. And his story has gone on wayyyyyy too long. Let’s see what Peter thinks of all this… TEBOWVILLEMANIALANDNESS. READ ON.

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When we last left the Earl Dittman of NFL writers, Peter King, he was getting free health care late at night, mourning dead people who were so good, they could have come from Pittsburgh, and bitching about Starbucks becoming too homogenized. I don’t quite know how Peter can get worse, but after reading him give the blessings of the karma gods to his Indian doctor (I assume the karma God in India is some kind of eight-legged girl elephant), NOTHING WILL EVER SURPRISE ME AGAIN.

So what about this week? Did Romeo Crennel fire up the Chiefs by holding a matinee showing of “Bravehearted”? Did Peter’s niece ever apologize to him for making him drive four hours from her stupid winter concert? Will Dr. Z ever be healthy enough to skewer Jerry Sandusky properly? READ ON. I don’t just think this column will be painful, I KNOW IT.

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When we last left NBC shill, Peter King, things were really getting interesting in Tebowland.

So what about this week? Will Peter have any cost-prohibitive wine recommendations? How many Pro Bowl free agents will it take to make the Rams a good coaching destination? Who has Peter underrated this week? The answers might shock you. READ ON.

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When we last left Colt McCoy’s publicist, Peter King, he had a great deal of stunning in his voice at the fact that the Patriots only get to play in Washington once every decade or so. What the Hell, NFL schedulemaker? Don’t you know that America craves that game on an annual basis, preferably shown on NBC? He was also openly studying Tim Tebow’s media schedule (Interesting nugget: IT’S BORING AND POINTLESS), envisioning a Coen Brothers Tebow movie (hopefully featuring Albert Finney mowing Tebow down with a Thompson), and reporting on the semi-heart attackish chest pains experienced by Mike Smith. BUT HE SEEMED SO HEALTHY! Until his chest exploded, that is.

So what about this week? Will Peter’s plane have WiFi? Will Tim Tebow lead the league in defining the word Tebow? And can Peter help us find a way out of Tiebreakerland? READ ON.

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Contagious. When we last left Tebowville Chamber of Commerce Chairblob Peter King, he was declaring Tim Tebow’s story the greatest story ever told. Better than the story of that lady who brought her cello on the airplane? YES. Better than that time Don Banks took Pete to Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville restaurant and DIDN’T order a margarita? YES. Better than the story of Hiroshima? YES. All those stories have far too much assembly-line-ness. TEBOW IS THE REAL SHIZZ.

So what about this week? Don’t you think it’s WEIRD that Chris Johnson’s self is its old Johnson self again? And isn’t it EERIE that we Americans all go through Italian Roast withdrawal every Week 13? Is it not BIZARRE that the Army/Navy game have never once been played in Wichita? And don’t you find it MEGA-WEIRDPELLING that America is lacking in walkable cities? READ ON. This column may seem painful and agonizing, because IT IS.

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Now this is weird. Really weird. When we last left the journalistic rest stop that is Peter King, he was declaring that he had outgrown the egg nog latte at Starbucks. And I’m afraid that Peter meant that literally. He is now too large to waddle into a Starbucks and ask for an egg nog latte with triple foamed yolks. A real pity. He also took time out last night to shoot down HIS OWN speculation that Brett Favre could join the Texans. Could the Texans reach out to Favre despite clearly having no interest? SORT OF.

So what about this week? What curly-headed nuggets will we get from Boston Globe maestro Dan Shaughnessy? Is Jay Cutler still the NFL’s Greta Garbo? Don’t you think Harpoon Winter Warmer would be better if it had even MORE cloves in it? Is Norv Turner the Court Jester of Tiebreakerland? READ ON. The rest, sort of, will be history.

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When we last left Peter King, who is to sportswriting what John Lackey is to baseball free agency (?), he was fawning over the Niners travel schedule (travelnerdness!), choking on his Pop Tarts, defining “workhorse,” and worrying about the NHL’s habit of geographic clustering. Also, to be fair to Peter, I must point out that I went to great lengths last week to mock his gushing (gashing?) praise for Tim Tebow, which led to me blurt out:

The Jets will beat (the Broncos) by 30 this week.

Ah, yes. Funny thing: When you have two functionally useless players such as Shonn Greene and Mark Sanchez, it’s unwise to predict such things. Needless to say, I led the league in frowns that evening.

So what about this week? How can you NOT love what the Broncos are doing, unless you really hate the Broncos and their Jesus freak QB? Will Peter see something else that can only happen only in New York, like mongoloid Steelers fans singing a mongoloid Steelers fight song? And wasn’t it just a few months ago that we all fawned over Leo DiCaprio in “This Boy’s Life”? Now he’s a MOVIE STAR? Crazy. READ ON.

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