When we last left Monday Morning Wicket Wanker, Peter King, he was extolling his love of breastfeeding, so long as it’s done where prying eyes that aren’t his own can’t see it. He also let us in on the lofty life and times of Nicholas Katzenbach, the prison camp book reading champ. Petey also learned that blueberries in your beer cannot stack up to citrus.
So what about this week? Did Peter King recreate an album cover from this obscure band of his youth called The Beet Als? Who is the Carlos Baerga of cricket? And what of wombats? Ted Koppel implores us to want to know. READ ON.
When we last left sweaty palmed fat gland of opportunity, Peter King, he was actually lauding the Raiders for picking up Matt Leinart in free agency. For serious! It wasn’t all positive, though, as PK also took Starbucks to task for its doughy, tasteless scones. He also said that is Acela only way to travel the East Coast while in the same nutmeg-scented breath decrying the quality of its Wifi and coffee service.
So what about this week? What few travel items are important to an easygoing unexacting customer such as Peter King? Do Tryout Guys ever become Made It Guys? Does PK forget how to spell “infamous”? That’s unpossible! READ ON.
When we last left doughy, tasteless hockey doofus, Peter King, he was bellyaching that the employees at an airport Starbucks weren’t in a huge rush to give him his triple venti whole milk lardaccino. He’s the Upton Sinclair of upscale coffee chains. PK also railed against the notion that the Browns got fleeced by the Vikings when they gave up all those picks they didn’t have to.
So what about this week? How many D-Days are about to take place in Minnesota? Hint: minimum five D-Days. Why don’t more people feel good for Ben Roethlisberger? Could it be the rapiness? Also, were you aware, contrary to popular belief, there is only one way to travel on the East Coast? It’s true! READ ON.
You knew it wouldn’t take long for some to use the apparent suicide of Junior Seau as a springboard to discuss Quasi-Weighty-Esque Issues. You also need not be told that no one is better at parsing lofty thought nuggets than KSK’s white whale, Peter King. What the hell, take it away, Petey:
I wonder how many parents woke up today, read about Seau and Saints bounties, and said: “I’m not letting my kid near a football field.”
Lock up the kids, the football boogeyman (or boogeymen) is on the loose. Parents, you might want to consider pulling your kids out of schools. What those “educators” don’t tell you is that, more often than not, there’s a football field out back of the school, just lying in wait to engulf an innocent child in its destructive vortex. Don’t think you’re safe just because you’re home-schooling them. If you’re not too careful, you could have a little Timmy Tebow on your hands.
I don’t intend to soft-pedal the issue of concussions and their inimical long-terms effects on the brains of players. That the league is just finally starting to get serious on the issue is a positive, even if the way that the league approaches it is often haphazard. But to say this is a tipping point where football has been pushed beyond the pale of mainstream sport is ridiculous. Yes, some parents will not allow their kids to play the game. But those are likely the same ilk as PK: upper-middle to high class white people who get all their news from The New York Times and NPR and some shithead baseball writer with hackneyed takes on current events. They weren’t gonna let precious Prancibald put on a helmet. That’s been the case for a good long while. It’s not as though football likely leading to injury is a shocking new revelation.
And what are the chances that your kid even makes in football long enough that he would have to begin to worry about these issues? My biggest worry for my kid is the infinitesimally small possibility that he might one day become a professional football player?
By the way, Mike Flanagan and Hideki Irabu have both committed suicide in the past year. So there, PK, you dickhead baseball fan. “Ahhhhh, baseball is guaranteed to leave you dead, alone, and possibly a former Yankee!” No sport is safe, young one!
Barely related but worthy of inclusion while we’re clowning on PK:
Funny story about London Fletcher. Early in his career, I christened him “the black Seau.” Fletcher said to me: “What an honor!”
When we last left punter cradler, Peter King, he was partaking in America’s finest walk, a stroll for the ages, a lofty peregrination of stupid asshole Red Sox fans. He also finally came to the conclusion that the draft trade value chart is useless, a mere few years after everyone else. He also credited Mike Florio for every scoop in the history of journalism.
So what about this week? When Peter King speaks of the heat, do you know whether he speaks literally? Whither the Xerox of Fate? And what will PK discuss in his fictional fireside chat with Eli Manning and Kevin Durant over a glass of port? READ ON.
When we last left metta world warrior, Peter King, he was chiding those who think the Chiefs or Eagles might draft Ryan Tannehill two weeks after PK himself suggested both teams were likely suitors. He also laid into ungrateful reception dumpster Demaryius Thomas for not showing the appropriate thankfulness to Tim Tebow for completing a pass to him that one time. Good post-dinner espresso was also discovered in the benighted luxury goods backwater of Manhattan, to the great dismay of the poor servers who would rather PK just hurry up and clear out of their goddamn restaurant.
So what about this week? Did PK forget to mention how he went back on his pledge to run a charity race to benefit the Pat Tillman Foundation? Yeah, there’s that. Perhaps he was too busy enjoying the greatest walk our nation has ever produced. Or maybe he was busy dropping Florio’s name a couple hundred more times. Nuggets and non-answers, ahoy! READ ON.
When we last left all-time incongruous bust factoid, Peter King, he was discovered that the Eagles are a name-change bastion where no one holds a moniker longer than a month. He also claimed the draft is its own sports for whatever reason, then called on the Milano Seamen to end bullying in America.
So what about this week? Is Cam Newton able to rhyme one word with the same word? Spoiler: MAYBE SORTA. Can Demaryius Thomas be shamed into accepting the devine providence of easy throws? Do any players reside on Hungry Man Boulevard? READ ON.
When we last left chess-piecing sentence builder, Peter King, he learned the starling news that shooting ranges exist just hours away from where Trayvon Martin got shot. He wants to know why aren’t more people talking about this. PK also placed a lot of significance in the fact that John Elway’s dad and Andrew Luck’s dad worked together in the World League 20 years ago.
So what about this week? Do we have Woodward and Bernstein to blame for Peter’s career? Does your coffee smell waft as well as his? Answer: probably not, MAYBE. And does PK know of some things the Patriots could do to look smart? READ ON.
When we last left Greg Cosell thought provokee, Peter King, he was counseling the Jaguars that their thirst for glory could only be slaked with the juice of Tebow. PK also said Jacob Tamme was the fifth most important signing of free agency, which would be a hilarious joke if he didn’t seriously believe it. He also praised a flight attendant for disregarding the pathetic cries of the wretched refuse of coach class yearning for blankets to stave off the bitter winds of poverty.
So what about this week? Is Roger Goodell doing a good job of destroying evidence of his hypocrisy? Will idiot Saints fans show the NFL their outrage by spending more money on the NFL? What chilling reminder of violence did Peter receive at a spring training game just HOURS away from the site of the Trayvon Martin shooting? READ ON.
When we last left compound-wording Tebow juicer, Peter King, he was giving flimsy scoopage in the category of “remember where you heard this one”. PK was also so touched by Jim McMahon’s post-career struggles with head trauma that he dedicated two whole paragraphs to lecturing others for not covering it enough. Then he went back to talking about Peyton Manning for 4,000 words.
So what about this week? Has Peter King finally had enough with the losers flying in coach gripping about being cold? Will the media ever stop encouraging women to dunk in college basketball games? Most importantly: what was the best $2.05 that PK spent last week? The suspense may kill you. READ ON.
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