As could be reasonably expected from watching it on TV, Media Day is where 3,000 press whores converge to ask about 20 players from each team the same five questions over the span of two hours. Additionally there are a couple more non-traditional whores and American Idol reps with zany gimmicks on hand to provide mild respite for the frenzied accredited search party engaged in mad pursuit of a halfway compelling sound byte.

Not wanting to spend one of the few times with actual access among the Freeney Ankle Horde, or the Fellatin’ Peyton Brigade, I went off in search of what comedy I could find.

Me: Hey Peter, I’m Mike Tunison with Kissing Suzy Kolber. We’re the ones who do that weekly spoof of your column. You’ve been in touch with Drew Magary about it.
Peter King: Well, I’ve never talked with him.
Me: All right, well, you’ve exchanged e-mails.
PK: Fine.
Me: Anyway, I wanted to know if you’d be willing to do a short video interview for the site. I could ask you some questions about the column. You could even trash us or defend yourself to our readers.
PK: Yeah, you know. I don’t want to be involved with the nonsense you guys do over there.
Me: That’s all right. If you don’t want to, that’s cool.
PK: I’d really rather not.
Me: Okay. Thanks anyway.

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When we last left storm orphan Peter King, he was telling you the story of poor Breleigh Favre, and how much she suffered in the wake of Minnesota’s loss to… um… uh, what was the team that actually won that game? I’m sorry, but Peter spent so much time with the Favres that he forgot who’s representing the NFC in the Super Bowl. Might be the Eagles. They are Jack Bowers’ favorite team, after all.

I’m so sorry for your loss, Breleigh. I wash there were something I could do to… OOOH LOOGIT! DADDY BRETT BUSTED OUT HIS FART MACHINE! THAT IS THE FUNNIEST THING EVAR! YOU TALK ABOUT YOUNG AT HEART!

So what about this week? Will Peter continue to spy on the Mannings as they try to have old people sex on the balcony of their suite at the Shore Club? Why can’t more coffee shops be like PJ’s Coffee Shop? Did Matt Schaub lead the Pro Bowl in normalcy? Read on. No matter what you think of King – and make no mistake, I adore chocolate and hazelnut together – the man remains THE WORLD’S MOST INTERESTING TANGENTIAL JOURNALIST.

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When we last left artful barista Peter King, he was detailing how the Colts define themselves, typing with great sarcasm, and still curious as to why TSA officials won’t do a more thorough cavity search. If bombs can be hidden in underwear, surely they can be hidden in places even more intimate.

So what about this week? Will we get a touching story about Mark Sanchez hugging his dad before the game, even though every player on every team hugs family members before any game if they happen to be in attendance? How did the conference championships affect Red Sox City? Did Peter use a car? And will he drone on and on and on about Brett Favre’s heartache? I think you know the answer to that. Let’s get this over with.

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When we last Red Sox City mayor Peter King, he was imploring you to visit the Mannings if you’re ever in New Orleans. No, really! Go! Their door is open and waiting JUST FOR YOU! Olivia has a peach crumble in the oven, and Archie desperately needs someone to talk to about his sons.

So what about this week? Did airport security finally check Peter’s toiletries, as he hoped they would? (Note to TSA officials: that device you find in his dopp kit? It’s only a weapon OF LOVE.) Will he enjoy more movies about life, such as Precocious: Based On The Novel Tush By William Safire? Read on. A smart man told me retardery lay ahead!

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When we last left guts-lover Peter King on a charcoal gray Monday, he was mourning the loss of little Wessy Welker, the man who is all that is right with football and our species as a whole. And he professed amazement that the Pats would try and win a playoff game by using another player to replace an injured player. A bold strategy that only Belichick could devise.

So what about this week? At long last, will Peter get to see Up In The Air? Is someone gonna try and give him that skim crap? THIS IS THE PLAYOFFS! YOU GET THAT SKIM CRAP RIGHT OUT OF PETER’S FACE! Read on. There’s only a forty percent chance of hilarity, but that’s a LEGIT forty percent.

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When we last left JetBlue pegboy Peter King, he got a Kindle for Christmas. Oh yes he did! All the Grisham he can handle, in one slim device. What a democracy.

So what about this week? Who is the most ultra-mega-dangerous team in the NFL playoffs? Who will be an Arizona, besides Arizona, which is already itself? Will Peter break his personal best of 18 espresso shots in 3 days? And will he finally get to see “Up In The Air”? Exciting developments, all. That’s for sure. Read on. But FIRST. Another quick travel note… FROM ME!

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KSK reader Ben Muschel sent us this gem to us today. Apparently, Drew’s old friend is playing a little fast and loose with recent history. In a display of investigative journalism rarely never seen on KSK, Mr. Muschel debunks King’s retcon of his appreciation of the 2006 Colts. (Up until now, it was still fully bunked.)

Rather than try to justice to Ben’s words by paraphrasing, here is his email in toto:

Gentlemen,

I know the weekly PK fisking (or is it fisting? I forget) has passed already, but I had to send you this screed I just sent to my friends (and to Peter himself, actually.) I don’t know if I’m making too big a deal of this, but I find this item lazy, and trying to take advantage of a readership he’s not counting on to remember basic things that happened three years ago. From yesterday’s MMQB:

It’s going to be a wide-open January. At this point of each of the past six years, we thought we knew the best team in the game as the regular-season drew to a close. It looked like New England in 2003 and ‘04, the Colts in ‘05 and ‘06, perfect New England the next year, and Pittsburgh or Tennessee last year.

I’ll concede 2003 and 2004 Pats, definitely the Colts in 05, Pats in 07, and the Titans/Steelers last year. But the 2006 Colts? Really? We thought we knew they were the best team in the game? The same Colts that were the 3rd seed that year in the playoffs and going into January were widely considered to be the “worst” Colts team of the last 4 years to that point? Let’s ask someone who was around in 2006. Like, say, Peter King. He writes today, “At this point of each of the last six years…” This point is after Week 16, after 15 games… for context, let’s take a look back after 2006 Week 15, then 16, using PK’s “Fine Fifteen.”

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When we last left throbbing groin enthusiast Peter King, he was being audited by the IRS. It’s true! Someone at the IRS wants Peter King to account for all the stupid money he makes. I’m not sure I’ve ever had a favorable view of the IRS until just now. Well done, sirs. You define thorough. Careful when you audit Mr. King, fellas. You might find a Zhu Zhu Pet lodged inside there.

So what about this week? Will Peter finally get to ride JetBlue more? Does the fireplace in his home keeps his family semi-heated all winter long? And, most critically, DID HE GET A KINDLE FOR CHRISTMAS?!! Read on. But first, an aggravating travel note… FROM ME!

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When last we left Christmas lard loaf Peter King, Punter was ably handling the duties of mocking The Porcine Dream. With Drew off vacationing with his adoring family (GET ME SIX SALMON POLOS FOR CHRISTMAS OR THE FAMILY IS DISBANDED!) within the Keebler Elf forest, the task falls to this humble ape to give you the PK mockery you will no doubt find lacking due to lack of Drew. At least there’s plenty of PK Favre and Romo apologizing to savage. Onward!

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What blows my mind about some of these higher-profile journalists is that they seem to get totally pissed whenever anyone makes an argument about them. By their logic, writers can question the people in the sport they cover, speculate aloud about how they should bolster their image or spend their money…but no one can give them the same treatment? To that, I say “F THAT S.” And to Peter King, I say, “Take down your shorts and stretch over that table.” Yep, it’s that time of the week. (more…)