Today we’re proud to re-introduce you to our own special version of the much ballyhooed mock-draft season. In the weeks leading up to the NFL draft you will be besieged by meaningless predictions as to how things will play out in April. Some will come from reputable experts who might actually provide a hint of useful information while most will come from biased pricks with bad haircuts. We here at KSK would never imagine forcing such needless analysis on our beloved readers, so instead we offer our own variety of the mock draft every Friday leading up to the big day.

The topic of this off-season’s first mock draft is as deep as it is star-laden. The key terms here aren’t Upside Potential or Length, instead we focus on attributes like Fuckability and…uh, Fuckability. So now without further ado, we present the KSK Mock Draft: Who Would You Do, the movie character edition!

The rules are simple, draft a character from a movie, once the movie has been picked it is off limits and once an actress has been picked all of her other roles are off limits. Additionally, the character or actress must have been over the age of 18 at the time the movie was released

No porn allowed, and remember, you’re sleeping with the character (think one night only) and not the actress.

We drafted in the traditional serpentine fashion with the draft order as follows… Maj, Ufford, Flubby, Punter, Drew, and Ape (Drew would have gone last but he cried like a little girl separated from her mommy.

1. (UM) Nancy Callahan - Sin City

I’ll get things started with a character played by the most beautiful woman alive. She’s an innocent dancer with a heart of gold in a cruel and unforgiving world, and I’d like nothing more than to bang the shit out of her.

2. (Flub) Lacey Underall - Caddyshack

That’s a quality pick right there, I was foolish to hope she’d last longer.

3. (Uff) Rollergirl - Boogie Nights

Ufford: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck it kills me not to take Scarlett.

The draft’s first shocker!

4. (MMP) Linda Barrett - Fast Times at Ridgemont High

Ufford calls the pick “savvy” and I all it “classic.” Then I start to think of Jimmy Kimmel and I get a little sick. Regardless, Judge Reinhold had the right idea and I like to think that he got a little piece of Phoebe Cates in between scenes.

5. (BDD) Nola Rice - Match Point

Drew: Easy pickins.

My draft board is in shambles and my pants are tightening by the minute.

We take a break here while waiting for Ape to show up. Apparently somebody forgot to tell Mr. Commuter that Adrian Fenty never promised to make the trains run on time.

Ufford: I have a Word Document and IMDb open. I forgot how consuming these drafts are.

Drew: It’s hard to ignore Jesssica alba, but Carla gugino is Sin City is just about the hottest thing I’ve ever seen.

Me: If i wanted an old chick i’d pick Mrs. Robinson

Drew: We need about thirty rounds for this draft. I am trying to take a mental inventory of just how many times I masturbated to each of these characters.

6. (Ape) Catwoman - Catwoman

Ape: Okay, I’ll take the Halle Catwoman, then, y’know, for the jokes.

Insert cat joke here ________.

Insert Ufford’s righteous indignation at this lack of a joke here _______.

7. (Ape) Mikaela Banes - Transformers

Yep, that’s one sexy bitch.

8. (Drew) 8. The Girl In The Ferrari - Vacation

Drew: “Are you gonna go for it?” Why, yes. I believe I will.

Christie Brinkley really got jobbed out of the Oscar on this one.

9. (MMP) Mary Ann Lomax - The Devils’ Advocate

I like it when she starts turning into that other chick. It’s like fucking two at once! I also like the idea of fucking an MRF.

10. (Flub) Girl Washing Car - Cool Hand Luke.

Flubby: “That’s a Lucille, you mullet head! Any girl so innocent and built like that gotta be named Lucille.” - Dragline

Everyone: Awesome pick.

And now for your viewing enjoyment, the video goodness!

11. (Uff) Selene - Underworld

Ufford: BAM!

Bam Bam: BAM BAM! BAM!

Emeril: BAM!

12. (Me) Charlie Nicholson - High Fidelity

Ufford: Charlie was a snooty bitch.

Me: Charlie was a snooty bitch who was HOT AS SHIT!

13. (Me) Hannah Green - Wonder Boys

Before Scientology got their alien tentacles all over her Katie Holmes was right up there on my overall list with Alba, Berry, and Kournikova (hallowed territory to be sure). She showed the tits in The Gift but I’m a huge fan of Wonder Boys and something about that red-boot wearing literati really gets to me.

14. (Uff) Kelly Lanier Van Ryan - Wild Things

Ufford: Dump champagne on her huge tits and have a threesome? Don’t mind if I do.

Sure, if you’re in to that sort of thing.

15. (MMP) Nadia - American Pie

You want me jerk you off?

And all this time I thought Punter didn’t care for the foreigners.

16. (Flub) Cherry Darling - Planet Terror

Flubby: Because who hasn’t always wanted to do a chick with a machine gun/rocket launcher leg?

17. (Drew) Tracey - Bachelor Party

Drew: I had this movie on my VCR and wore out hte tape rewinding and jerking to this scene. sometimes I couldn’t finish in time, so I had to rewind with my dick in my hand. NSFW picture can be found here.

18. (Ape) Bai Ling - 2046

Saucy. Exotic. Scary?

AND THERE YOU HAVE IT!

There are way too many honorable mentions to list them all here and frankly, we could have gone all night long. So feel free to add in your own picks in the comments.

Oh fuck it, here’s one (NSFW!) honorable mention…

We’ve done many a mock draft these past few weeks. But why should we, the KSK Gay Mafia, be the only ones who get to have all the fun? We’re gonna bypass the usual cheerleader post and present you with the first-ever KSK commenter mock draft. And you get the top mock draft of them all: Famous Women Or Men You Get For An Evening. The rules here are very simple. This is a celebrity you get for a night to do with as you please. Picks are first come first served. But only pick one person, and once you pick, you must wait 10 picks before making another selection. Once 10 other commenters have picked, you can then pick another person. And please, try and provide some linkage for the masses. Add a NSFW warning if appropriate.

Oh, and no picking Keeley Hazell. I took her first. Enjoy the draft everyone. And the NFL draft as well.

NOTE: One other rule: No time traveling. You pick someone in their current metaphysical state. No “Liz Taylor whe she was thin” bullshit.

Well, here it is: the final mock draft before the actual draft. We may discontinue this series, because they’re a pain in the ass to write up and it wouldn’t make any sense… or we may continue to write them, because they’re fun and it wouldn’t make any sense. Today: cartoon characters we want to bang. I’ll let Drew explain the rules:

These are animated characters you get to have sex with. I believe UM wanted to forbid anime characters, which is fine with me since I don’t know any.

Pretty complex, huh? Draft order went from tallest to shortest, as best as we can figure since we’ve never all been in the same room at the same time. I guess if we’d been thinking about it, we could have all gotten together for the draft, invited all of our blogging friends, had some kind of idiotic convention, then blogged about it. But you know what? That’s a little too gay — even for us. Anyway, we begin with the obvious:

1. Big Daddy Drew: Jessica Rabbit, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

Impossible body. Kathleen Turner’s breathy voice. Hot stripper dress. And, if you go by this NSFW picture, the carpet matches the drapes. “Who Framed Roger Rabbit” was released in 1988, when I was 12 and discovering the awesome power of my right hand. Critics loved the film’s homage to animation. I loved the perfectly accentuated T&A. Advantage: Drew.

2. Christmas Ape: Psylocke, “X-Men”

Somewhat of a cop-out, because she’s more a fixture in the comics, but she made two brief cameos in the animated TV series, so technically it counts. Rogue is a tempting pick, but you wouldn’t enjoy fucking her unless you had a full body condom on. Psylocke has a better body, anyway.

3. Captain Caveman: Cheetara, “Thundercats”

Oh, so it’s weird that I want to have sex with a cat, is it? Well, blame Lorimar Telepictures for making Cheetara so fucking sexy. When this show was on, I didn’t even know what sex was, and I wanted to have it with her. I hope she’s not spayed.

4. Monday Morning Punter: Erin Esurance, Esurance ads

I don’t know how this broad fell to number 4. She’s punny, she plays hockey, she has pink hair and yet hasn’t put out any annoying pop albums. The only downside is that she works for an insurance company, so she’s obviously incapable of orgasm.

5. flubby: Holly Would, Cool World

Total Jessica Rabbit ripoff, but one fine piece of animated ass nonetheless.

Upside: looks like Kim Basinger when she still had her fastball, but with an even bigger rack.
Downside: offspring might turn out to be a thoughtless little pig.

6. Unsilent Majority: Lois Griffin, “Family Guy”

She’s got a killer body (former model), she likes to get freaky (”HIT ME!”), and she’s a total stoner.

A total reach.

7. UM: Tinkerbell (”full-size… or just shrink me down”), Peter Pan

That little fucking sexpot is hornier than pee wee at a double feature. Just look at that little outfit she wears, she’s totally asking for it.

8. flub: Aeon Flux

I am now officially owning this draft.

9. MMP: Lara Croft, “Tomb Raider”

The icon. Adventurous. Violent. British.

This pick was something less than a foul, yet something more than a faux pas. Somehow the rest of us all understood inherently that video games were off limits, so we had a gentlemanly conversation about it and allowed MMP’s pick with the understanding that no other video game characters were allowed (Drew: It’s too easy to pick “GTA Hooker #24″) and that MMP should escape without further sanctions (flub: The stigma of resorting to drafting video game characters is its own punishment).

10. CC: Daphne Blake, “Scooby Doo”

Because I was an intelligent child, I thought this was one of the stupidest shows on television. However, I do believe Daphne was the first redhead I took a shine to, so she gets the nostalgic nod. It was either her or Ariel from The Little Mermaid, but c’mon: no one likes that fishy smell.

11. Xmas Ape: Amy Wong, “Futurama”

Cute, spunky, and attracted to dorky, ungainly men. Probably also skilled in Futuresex.

Eh. Leela’s got the better body, if you don’t mind the whole one-eye thing. It’s never bothered me before.

12. Drew: Red Hot Riding Hood from the Tex Avery Cartoon

And I’ve nailed down the curvy redhead double bill. Ufford is beyond jealous. I like that Avery reimagined the classic fairy tale as a bizarre, leering, interspecies sex cartoon. Perfect for a 5-year-old to watch. I’m sure it played no role in the fact that I masturbate twice daily.

I wouldn’t go so far as to say “beyond jealous.” Redheads are an essential part of sexual experience, but you wanna diversify your bonds, muthafucka.

13. Drew: Betty Boop

Betty Boop is quite the butterface. Or more like a butterhead. It looks like two heads that were fused together in a half-assed manner. But she’s got a fly body and she makes a great value pick here. I’ll probably end up trading her for Lurleen Lumpkin and Apu’s wife (and possibly the chick Apu nailed in the Kwik-E-Mart closet).

Either way, I’m more than happy with my Rabbit/Riding Hood threesome.

Wow. Two redheads and a chick without a nose. It’s true: married people REALLY DO stop enjoying sex.

14. Xmas Ape: Foxxy Love, “Drawn Together”

Terrible show, but contained a few hot characters, between Foxxy and the princess. Foxxy is a total whore, so she wins.

A truly phenomenal pick. She’s an actual fox that is somehow African-American. That really would have rounded out my stable of cartoon anthropomorphized animals to fuck. I’m jealous.

15. CC: Princess Allura, “Voltron”

Granted, she’s fully human — royalty, even! — but that little mouse is always on her shoulder, and I’m sure we could find a use for that.

This pick is a direct result from an episode of Voltron (my favorite childhood cartoon, with the possible exception of Transformers. This was before I feared the coming robot wars) where Princess Allura, wearing a bikini, dives off a cliff and loses her bikini top. She surfaced separately from it, embarrassed. I believe I was 7 or 8 at the time, and up to that point I had no idea that that could happen in a cartoon.

Drew: That’s an excellent pick. You know, no one remembers Tranzor Z. Probably because it sucked.

MMP: Are you kidding? I’ve been trying to shoot rockets from my elbows for 20 years now.

16. MMP: April O’Neil, “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”

Team MMP has its redhead.

17. flub: Betty Cooper from Archie comics, which was animated during the 1970s.

Betty was the inspiration for comic book uber-babe Cherry Poptart (who, sadly, has yet to be animated).

18. UM: The Baroness, “G.I. Joe”

Holy shit, I can’t believe I get her with the last pick! This is what you might call the ultimate hate-fuck. She’s an arrogant, spoiled, terrorist bitch but she’s insanely hot and has a black leather fetish that would make Will Leitch’s emo bangs recede like they belonged to Dan Steinberg.

Try not to think about his metaphors too much.

Here’s our list of highly-rated free agents: Judy Jetson, Josie and and the Pussycats, the animated Samantha from “Bewitched,” LuAnne Platter, White Debbie from “Sealab 2021,” Minerva Mink from “Animaniacs” (another sexy animal!), pretty much every female character from the X-Men cartoon, Bugs Bunny when he dressed up as a chick (that one is Drew’s choice), most of the female villains on the animated “Batman” series, Trixie from “Speedracer,” and on and on ad nauseam. Betty Rubble was ruled ineligible because Rosie O’Donnell played her in the live-action film.

Your picks, as always, in the comments. Ladies, homos, and men comfortable with their sexuality are welcome to share their opinions on attractive cartoon males.

You know, we have rules in our mock draft for a reason. They give us definitive parameters that keep us from arguing needlessly, and it tends to keep things from getting too fantastic.

And yet every fuckin’ week, the commenters have a race to ignore the rules that we carefully set down. Several weeks after the “Actions Scenes We Want to Be a Part of” Draft (note the emphasis), I heard from a reader who just COULDN’T BELIEVE no one picked the 12-minute single-cut scene from the end of Children of Men. Oh, really? Clive Owen spends the entire scene running for his fucking life ’cause he doesn’t have a gun. What part of that do you want to be a part of? “Well, yeah, but it was a cool scene.” For fuck’s sake, LOOK AT THE RULES.

These are the parameters for this week (pretty loose, because by this point we’re self-policing):

“These are animals for our own personal zoo. You do not need to upkeep these animals. A personal zookeeper and corresponding ecosystem will be provided. Must be current species, so no megalodons or T-Rexes. As always, serpentine draft order.”

1. flubby: Elephant

I imagine once you own an elephant, it sort of consumes your public persona. Instead of being referred to as “that one guy who and has a kickass job and is hung like a clydesdale plus he has the waaay hot wife and the best looking kid in town” as I am now, I would be simply known to all as “that guy with the elephant.” Still, it would be worth it, especially if it would use its trunk to help me wash my trunk. I think I saw that once on either “National Geographic” or “The Flintstones.”

2. Captain Caveman (hey, that’s me!): Grizzly-Polar Bear Hybrid

Not only is it extremely rare (thus leading to huge profits for my personal zoo), but I choose to believe that this hybrid combines all the deadliest aspects of both species. Gifted swimmer. Powerful digger. Godless. Killing. Machine.

(I also did this for the good of the draft. By picking the hybrid, I’ve trumped anyone’s ability to claim either the polar bear or grizzly bear, thus preventing what could have been a dispute about whether all bears should be off the board after one bear is selected.)

Drew: It needs a catchier name. Polar Bizz-ear!

flub: (from Wiki) “the offspring of a male Polar bear and a female Grizzly would be a “Pizzly bear,” while the offspring of a male Grizzly and a female Polar bear would be a “Grolar bear.”"

Drew: Fo shizzle my grizzle!

3. Monday Morning Punter: Tyrannosaurus Rex

The baddest animal in all the land, at least until that meteor came. I did not see a moratorium on extinct animals.

MMP was then sent to the Asshole Box for five minutes.

3. MMP, take 2: Hedgehog

The hedgehog is a dynamite little animal. So much so that they’re illegal in many states and can’t be taken on planes. There have been video games named after them. The infield fly rule was created by a hedgehog, and two hedgehogs currently sit on the US Supreme Court. Some of these are even true.

He has plans to name it “Renaldo Balkman.”

4. Big Daddy Drew: Great White Shark

If I own a great white shark, that means I can watch it eat shit all day long. I’d do massive bong hits all morning, then just park my ass in front of the aquarium and watch him go to town. It would be like Shark Week, only just for me. And if someone were to fall into my tank “by accident”, well there wouldn’t be much evidence left over.

5. Christmas Ape: Giant Panda

Women adore them. Like China, I can rent the stupid thing to a zoo for millions of dollars and take it back on a whim. Also, despite cuteness, giant pandas are sufficiently adept at people killing. I may get tired of the sexual harassment lectures, however.

6. Unsilent Majority: Gorilla

Have you seen a fucking gorilla? Those are some badass motherfuckers and they’re smarter than the average NFL GM. They are the greatest animal in existence.

7. UM: Chimpanzee

If movies have taught us anything it’s that chimps are the world’s funniest and most useful animal. They can operate flight simulators but they’re also cool just chillin out, smoking pot, and joyriding.

8. Xmas Ape: White Tiger

All the benefits of a regular tiger but the cachet of rarity. Forget zip code or membership to exclusive clubs, the real ticket to the elite is white tiger ownership. KSK spokescat Jean Grey probably needs a friend anyway, even if it’s one that could eat her in one bite.

9. Drew: Giant Crocodile

Crikey! Isn’t she a beauuuuty?! It nearly bit off me chuzzwuzzers! Let’s go drink and shandy and bask in the glow of this MAGNIFICENT creature. Oh, and I’d definitely store my croc in the galley of my yacht to attack unsuspecting black partners, ala Sonny Crockett.

10. MMP: Lion

I didn’t see anyone pick a Lion. I’m taking the Lion. It’s tough to be King of the Jungle and still have great hair.

11. CC: Prairie Dog Colony

Is it a badass pick? Not at all. But the prairie dogs never have an off day. They’re always coming out of their holes, standing on hind legs, squeaking at each other, chasing each other around… I’ll say it: the prairie dogs are cute. And ladies love cute animals. Cute animals at my private zoo are gonna get me laid.

Naturally, Drew objected to my pick, contending that I should only get one prairie dog, because married people hate it when single people get laid. The Draft Committee discussed the complaint, and ruled in favor of me getting the colony. Bada bing.

flub: “Also, Dude, colony is not the preferred nomenclature. Prairie dog town, please.”

12. flub: Giraffe

I might name it Allison Janney, but probably not. Elephant and giraffe with my first two picks? My menagerie owns.

13. flub: Thylacine

Whether or not thylacines still exist in Tasmania is the subject of some debate. The last one in captivity died nearly 100 years ago. But since we are allowing “theoretical” animals like the pizzly in, I want this one. I mean just look at it. Bad ass. Who’s sneaking in my back yard? No one, that’s who.

Pizzly bear theoretical? My ass. Did he not see the Wikipedia page? Still, a good pick. I don’t think we’ve seen an animal unhinge its jaw like that since Linda Lovelace.

14. CC: Snow Leopard.

Every time I go to the zoo, the lions and tigers are just sitting around being lazy fucks. Not the snow leopard. It just stalks around, pissed off at the world that it’s in a confined area. It’s ready to kick some ass. Which is great, because I’ve got extra prairie dogs.

Also, it looks kinda cute = me getting laid. Yes!

UM: nice pick whitey!

15. MMP: Penguins

They have their own movies. They drink coke. They’re well-dressed. And they have 2 Stanley Cups.

16. Drew: Hippos

A hog and a frog
Cavort in the bog
But not the hippopotamus

And you know why? Because the hippo was too busy laying in wait in the river, hoping to fucking swallow them both whole. Hippos: cute AND deadly. And BIG!

17. Xmas Ape: Bald Eagle

Ufford’s patriotic bona fides are already well in place, but, as a journalist, I’m branded a traitor and a commie on a daily basis. Now, should the allegation arise, all I need to do is produce Christmas Eagle (now THAT’S American) to dispel any such notions. Then have it peck the bastard’s eyes out.

18. UM: Australian Sea Lion

That’s one damn cute animal. They’re adept in the water and equally comfortable poolside, but they might best be served as wingmen at the bar. from Wiki: The males fight other males from very young to establish their individual positions in the male hierarchy and during the breeding season, dominant males will guard females for the right to breed with her when she comes into oestrus.

God damn right.

Where did we fuck up? Tell us we should have taken Children of Men in the comments.

We’ve got a special guest host and participant for this week’s draft: None other than Orson Swindle of Every Day Should Be Saturday, the best college football site on the Internet. He even offered to use the royal we. Take it away, Swindle…

During our blogger summit at a gay bar in midtown Atlanta, Ufford and we decided that EDSBS had to make an appearance in the mock draft category. Actually, we decided this, and threatened Ufford with leaving his pearl-buttoned shirt-wearing ass on the sidewalk at Piedmont and 10th for the Rusty Cocklords to have him as they liked if he refused us a spot in the mock draft.

Two rounds. Serpentine Draft. The order: Swindle, UM, CC, Ape, Drew, Flub, Punter.

Round 1, Pick 1 - Swindle – King Kong, “King Kong”

I die standing on top of the world, swatting planes out of the sky with my huge hairy arms, and watching the world gawk at my collossal cock and balls swinging like the inner workings of a universal sex clock over the city. Bullets rip into my flesh, but they only anger me in principle, since they barely scratch the epidermis of my stop-motion animated hide.

That’s what they’ll say when they gun shirtless me down outside a Miami convenience store, machete in hand and bomb strapped to my face: It was beauty killed the beast. (And a well-placed hollow point to the heart, of course.)

Round 1, Pick 2 - UM – Christ, “The Passion Of The Christ”

Mel Gibson’s uproarious comedy* culminates with the most important death in human history (apologies to Franz Ferdinand and Cus D’Amato). Now for the millionth time, WE’RE SORRY!

*I didn’t actually see the movie

Round 1, Pick 3 - CC – Tom Sizemore, “Saving Private Ryan”

Spend the day fucking up Germans in a French town while horrifically outnumbered before toughing it out with a bazooka despite getting shot in each shoulder. Then he delivers a badass line and dies.

And I’m still waiting for the Vietnam film that uses John Bobo’s death. THAT’S the one I really want.

NOTE: We couldn’t find the clip where Sizemore dies. Enjoy this 3-minute version of the D-Day scene.

Round 1, Pick 4 - Ape – Alec Guinness, “Bridge Over The River Kwai”

It seems likely I’ll die with shameful recognition. At best, I’d like to take
some people with me. Homer’s tongue hitting the destruct button in the
plant as he expired is similar, but I feel I’ve hit my Simpsons
reference limit for the week. Genuine class.

Round 1, Pick 5 - BDD – Tony Montana, “Scarface”

It’s not even close. If I’m goin down, I want to do it taking out as
many people as possible with a really, really big fucking gun. Plus,
all the cocaine I’ve ingested will render the bullet wounds relatively
painless (or so I’ve been told). I can’t think of a more
over-the-top, ludicrous way to die. I could even do that stupid Tony
Montana accent that every douchebag wearing a visor does at your local
watering hole. I could do without Tony’s killing his sister after she
offered to satisfy his disgusting incestuous urges. But otherwise,
this is the ultimate death scene for me.

Round 1, Pick 6 - flubby – C. Thomas Howell, “Red Dawn”

If I go out, I’m taking a couple helicopters full of Commies with me. WOLVERINES!!!!

I found some Red Dawn stuff on YouTube, but nothing as funny/creepy/possibly gay as this C Thomas Howell tribute video, complete with Vitamin C soundtrack.

Round 1, Pick 7 - Punter – The real President Mitchell, “Dave”
Death by ejaculation will never get its proper due.

Round 2, Pick 8 - Punter – Flounder, “Beerfest”
If I can’t fuck myself to death, drowning in beer wouldn’t be a bad substitute.

Way to pick deaths with no easy-to-find video, Punter.

Round 2, Pick 9 - Flub – Sam Jackson, “Deep Blue Sea”

The shark jumps out of the pool, grabs SLJ in his jaws and then, even though it is out of the water, the shark somehow manages to find some miracle reverse gear to go back into the pool. This death is an unapologetic affront to the laws of physics and nature. I dig that.

Round 2, Pick 10 - BDD – Maximus, “Gladiator”

The only thing better than dying in front of a crowd that’s cheering
your name is dying in front of a crowd that can only stare at you with
dead silent awe, because you are such a fucking badass. I have
vanquished my hated rival, died a hero’s death, and now get to return
to my kickass Tuscan villa and my hottie Italian wife for the rest of
eternity. Watching this scene stoned is just about the awesomest
thing ever.

Round 2, Pick 11 - Ape – Randy Quaid, “Independence Day”

Drunken, raving lunatic redeemed, but still dead. I suppose there’s some thrill in getting revenge on an anal-probing alien race and simultaneously saving mankind after being jilted and disdained most of your life. But the world is still in ruins because they didn’t heed your warnings, so there’s that.

In other words, I didn’t give this pick any thought.

NOTE: We couldn’t find that video either. Enjoy the air battle scene from that flick.

Round 2, Pick 12 - CC – Michael Douglas, “Falling Down”

Spend a day lashing out at just about every annoyance in society, teaching people some FUCKING MANNERS, and killing neo-Nazis execution style and inducing heart attacks in asshole golfers when necessary (video above). Then, suicide-by-cop to give my daughter the life insurance money. You’re welcome, sweetheart.

Round 2, Pick 13 - UM – Waring Hudsucker, “The Hudsucker Proxy”

When is a sidewalk fully dressed?
When it’s Waring Hudsucker!

I got video but it’s not in english…maybe even funnier.

Round 2, Pick 14 - Swindle – Hudson, “Aliens”

Go. Down. Shooting. And tossing out profanities left and right. If you’re gonna kill me, world, you’ll do it with a mouthful of lead and my dying words of hate in your ears, asshole. And when you do it, be sure to send soulless killing machines with acid for blood to do it–like, seventeen thousand of them. Because that’s just a start on what you’re going to need to finish the job.

Either that or some bad chicken served medium rare in a Chinese food stall in Kunming. That almost did the trick once, too.

Your favorite deaths in the comments.

Either “finale” is a funny word or I’m a bit blazed. The jury’s still out on this one folks. Anyways…if you missed part 1 or 2 just click on those numbers back there.

You’re in for some overtly sexy shit, try to keep your composure. God damn I love the off season.

MMP: Has the classic spring dress been claimed yet? Very easy on the eyes and also coming into season as well.

BDD: Pfft. 11 years of marriage should only serve to INCREASE the ol’ hornometer. Pick anything. Pick a muumuu. Let’s end this thing.

20. Flubby- Guitar

I have always been a big fan of the chick wearing little, if anything, except a guitar (perfected by Liz Phair).

21. CC- Nipple ring

This is a nice way to round out my selections, as all of my women will be wearing wedges, thong underwear, heavy eye makeup, and nipple rings. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go masturbate.

I have to say, the frankness with which some of us discuss “number 3″ can be terrifying.

22. BDD- Belly chain

Fucking hot. Accentuates the hips and midriff, and shows that a woman is dead serious about turning you on. It’s like a sexy, shiny equator that perfect divides your T&A. And only women with the right kind of body can pull it off.

Nothing says class quite like rhinestone jewelry.

CC: I dated a girl who never took her belly chain off. It was excellent. But not as excellent as the girlfriend with a nipple ring.

God I hate you.

UM: WHAT?!?! when did Sobe start making a drink called Lean?

That coyote knows what’s up!

Flub: That’s probably what the coyote is thinking in the picture. “Damn they got sizzurp up at Quizno’s now?”

That or: I’m looking for the man that shot my “paw.”

Ape: There were coyotes discovered in Rock Creek Park two years ago. I hope one eats Tammy Darvish.

I heard that’s what happened to Chandra Levy.

23. UM- Babydoll

That’s just some sexy shit right there.

Hmm…this should have added up to 24. Eh, fuck it, lots more pictures are coming!

BDD: Daisy dukes, French maid outfit, nurse outfit, tight sweater, fishnets, body stockings, any sort of latex get up, Demibra (the ones that don’t actually cover the tits), fur coat with nothing else, crotchless panties, cheerleader skirts, and stripper dresses

UM: weed, whipped cream, tassles, clear platforms, body paint, tube top, saddle from Secretary

CC: tee shirt cut up to reveal cleavage and stomach, then tied in a knot in back in order to stay tight against body

Flub: Man, I hate what Rolling Stone has become, but the new cover, with the chicks from Grindhouse, is pretty good.

UM: BULLETS! I DRAFT BULLETS!

BDD: I’m pretty sure Rose McGowan got an asslift.

UM: I’m pretty sure she was raised in an underground bunker…insert stupid Ufford joke here.

CC: I’d be happy to fire those off.

MMP: Ape, do you have any more pictures of your cat?

CC: Do you have any pictures of a hot woman wearing your cat?

Ape: Sure, what do you need?

MMP: Whatever you have, preferable a good head shot and maybe a full-body shot.

UM: Sicko

That’s when things veered of course.

I hope you enjoyed the single greatest mock draft in the history of the internet. Now feel free to critique our efforts and spurt lists of your own sick indulgences.

Update: We forgot one…

Update 2: Apparently Punter really did want a picture of Ape’s cat for reasons that are not sick and disgusting in the least. I profusely apologize for making him look like some sort of weirdo. We wouldn’t want you readers thinking we were unbalanced or anything like that. So please Mr. Punter, don’t kill me in my sleep.

Welcome to Part 2 of the greatest mock draft of all time. For Part 1 go here.

Off the board: heels, thongs, bikinis, schoogirl outfits, pearl necklaces, edible panties, camisoles…let’s do this sexy thing.

8. MMP- Mary Janes

Just like ‘em. Dunno why

What a reach!

BDD: What are Mary Janes?

MMP: It’s a closed-toe shoe with a strap across the foot.

Cue the crickets.

9. Flub- Slinky Black Cocktail Dress

The Nolan Ryan of women’s apparel

Sans the inflated ERA?

CC- Wedges

BDD- Huzzah!
11. Garter belt with thigh highs

You could put Natasha Lyonne in thigh highs and I’d be turned on. This is the absolute classic lingerie combination. Yet I have no clue why I like it so. Perhaps it’s the garter straps accenuating the ass just so, or the lacey tops of the thigh highs gently caressing the…

OOPS. Look at the mess I made. I have to clean this up.

UM: NOOOOOOOOOOO! All you guys were so caught up in your clogs and whatnot…i thought i’d get the garter…

We should start the Natasha Lyonne All Stars as an answer to Simmons and his Reggie Cleveland squad. Girls whose names make them sound hot when in reality they are the opposite.

UM- 12. Bustier

A showcase of sexitude.

UM- 13. Booty Shorts

What the bustier does for the top half the shorts do for the bottom. It’s like taking a work of art and putting it in the world’s greatest frame.

BDD-14. Tight as shit business suit

Preferably with a mini skirt that just barely covers the ass, and blouse with the top buttons open so that the cleavage just spill right out. Combine that with the garter and thigh highs and I now have blueballs.

That’s a nice pick there Drew.

BDD: I think this draft needs to go 4 rounds. I’ve got some other stuff I’d like to riff on.

CC- 15. Eye makeup

OK, now I’m just trying to piss off the Caveman

I was going to say “makeup” but I thought that would be too broad. Girls with lots of eye makeup automatically look 60% hotter. And now, none of your women will ever get to wear it. AWESOME.

Flub- 16. Low rise jeans

But like plutonimum, they can be deadly in the wrong hands.

MMP- 17. One piece tennis dress

One piece tennis dresses. They provide a blend of sportiness and easy access that’s hard to come by.

BDD: I like that pick. That’s a solid pick.

Now Ape goes twice. Four rounds!!!!!!

UM: fuck fuck fuck. that was my fourth rounder.

Ape- 18. Glasses

Small frames but not those Lisa Loeb cat glasses. Because I like smart, engaging women. And, failing that, ones that at least appear intelligent.

Flub: Good call, Ape

Ape- 19. Nose stud

Provides no tactile pleasure, but is a sign she’s at least not up tight. However, the nose stud can’t be part of a panoply of piercing. Just the ears and nose. None of that eyebrow shit.

BDD: Ah, but what of the tongue stud? Nothing says easy like a tongue stud.

Check back tomorrow for the thrilling conclusion to find out if anything says easy better than a tongue stud (Hint: If she smokes, she pokes)

If you know anything about KSK you know that we are staunch supporters of feminism, assuming feminism means “dressing women up in outfits that make them look sexier.” That’s why this week we’ve undertaken the most important mock draft subject to date. If you could pick any item of clothing (or accessory) for a woman to wear what would it be and why?

Note: Your face is not an accessory (I already tried).

Because even we don’t always understand what we’re doing I’ll let Big Daddy Drew sum up the rules… To clarify the rules. You pick one piece of clothing or accessories, every attractive woman you encounter must wear them for you at all times, including the wife.

Marriage is bourgeois.

If someone else drafts a certain item, you never get to see a woman in it again.

Thanks mein fuehrer.

The draft order is as follows: UM, Drew, Ape, CC, Flubby, Punter. Sadly Ape decided to attend opening day at RFK so the order was shuffled.

And remember, if you want to play along at home but can’t get a woman to come within sniffing distance of you there’s always another option.

1. UM- The Bikini (the thongier the better)

I kicked off the draft before I had a firm grasp on the nuances of Drew’s set of rules so I decided to stay safe. The bikini is a classic. They perfectly display the assets of the beautiful people while exposing the flaws of all those borderliners.

2. Drew- High Heels


Every man has differing tastes, but I’ve yet to find a man who would prefer a girl in Keds to one in 6″ bend-me-over-the-credenza pumps. High heels accentuate the calf. I have no idea why this makes me hard enough to take batting practice, but it does.

I knew somebody was going to pick a shoe, I just didn’t think I’d be all alone in the mocking.

UM: I was tempted to say “first one to pick shoes is a homo”

CC: First one to pick shoes knows what the fuck is going on.

Flub: Don’t be hostile at the hostel.

Note- For reasons only clear to Caveman he decided to stay in a hostel during the Final Four (even though he was on the company dime). I hope those pushy Bavarian backpackers gave him a good lesson on what’s wrong with America.

3. CC- YES!!! Thong Underwear

No explanation necessary

Yeah, because the rest of this is TOTALLY necessary!

BDD: Choosing between high heels and thongs was extremely difficult.

4. Flubby- Pearl Necklace

This is as close as I could get without people bitching.

You’ll have as much fun giving it to her as she will wearing it.

Uh Flubby, remember Drew’s rule?

every attractive woman you encounter must wear them for you at all times

That gooey touch of romance would get old…fast.

5/6. MPP- Catholic Schoolgirl Outfit

Halcyon days indeed…

If we’re going pervy, let’s do it right.

There’s a wrong way?

UM: I call shenanigans! you can take the knee socks, you can take the skirt, you can take the sheer oxford shirt that’s busting at the seams…but you can’t have the whole package.

Anyway, I think complete uniforms are allowable, so if Punter wants to pick again, he can. After all, the point of this thing is to throw up some hot pictures.

MMP: One and the same, my friend.

UM: flubby’s up. seeing as how he’s a lawyer here’s my prediction

We’ll count the Catholic schoolgirl uni as a single pick, leaving Ape as the last pick in the round. Whcih means Ape gets to pick twice RIGHT NOW! Huzzah!

UM
Drew
CC
flubby
Punter
Ape

Ape: 6. Edible panties

Parenthetically for the record, I’m astounded UM took regular bikini over weed bikini. If we actually went through with the last meal draft, the panties would have been whatever flavor my first round pick would have been: unless, of course, I went with the meal of three dozen jumbo crabs.

7. Camisole

Maybe I’m swayed before it’s just starting to get warm out and hot girls everywhere are popping up in these. Simple, but still incredibly hot. The first warm weather day of the year is better than Christmas, but First Waem Weather Day ofr the Year Ape doesn’t fit well on the marquee.

It’s also spelled wrong because I’m a little drunk.

Rounds 2-4 coming soon…so try to not tell us how we fucked up until we’re done.

We had a tough time choosing this week’s KSK mock draft. I was a big fan of drafting fruit. Punter thought the idea of drafting fruit was retarded. Which is why I liked it to begin with. Then we considered last meals, only everyone ended up picking different cuts of steak (and UM insisted on including some froufrou wine). So that was out. Porn stars? YOU try finding images of porn stars that are SFW. It’s a bitch. Ice cream flavors? I would have stabbed anyone who took mint chocolate chip first.

Superheroes? Too nerdy.

People we’d want to write our autobiography? Too gay.

Hangover cures? Too obvious.

Movies that should be banned? Too played.

Deadspin commenters? Too meta.

Beers? Too broad.

Board Games We’d Choose If Death Awaited The Loser? Eh, okay. Why not.

Okay, so the rules are: you will play another random person at this board game. If you lose, you will fucking die. On the spot. Like a seal being eaten by a shark. The order: Punter, CC, UM, flubby, me, Ape. Serpentine draft. My… my… my serpenteeeeeeeen!

Round 1, Pick 1 – Punter – Stratego

“Military strategy game is a composite of chess, war (the card game), and capture-the-flag. You can set your pieces any way you choose, and then attack. An awesome board game in its day, and one that would be quite appropriate to play with one’s life in the balance.”

I suck at this game. Needless to say, it was not on my draft board.

Round 1, Pick 2 – CC – Scrabble

“Hey, I’m playing for my fucking life. I’m going with the game where I’m undefeated for the last four years. As long as I’m not playing Stefan Fatsis I should be good to go.”

I would fucking murder Ufford at Scrabble. And I’d kick Bill Simmons’ ass, too. Even if he cheated, and there’s evidence he’s just that big of a douchebag. Plus, I have the advantage of knowing that “qi” and “za” were just added to the official word list. Winner: Drew

Round 1, Pick 3 – UM – Trivial Pursuit

“In a life and death situation I can always fall back on my encyclopedic knowledge of trivial bits of knowledge.”

I too am quite good at Trivial Pursuit, unless it’s one of those original sets from the 80’s where half the geography questions were about Canada and the “Entertainment” category asked only questions about films made prior to 1942. And whenever I landed on “Sports and Leisure”, I always end up getting a leisure question. How many pegs are on a cribbage board? Fuck you, that’s my answer.

Round 1, Pick 4 – flubby – Dominoes

“Dominoes. I can play the hell out of some dominoes. Plus, I can make an ASCII double-six domino. Check it out: [:::|:::]

Man, am I talented.”

Then flubby did a double one:

“[ · | · ] SKILLZ MOTHERFUCKER!!!!”

I’m pretty sure dominoes isn’t a board game, but I’ll let it pass.

Round 1, Pick 5 – Me – Monopoly

“But only if we put $500 in Free Parking and allow multiple hotel
building. And I get to be the dog. Then I can seize New York Avenue,
throw three hotels in there, and then squeal with delight as opponents
roll a 7, think they’ve hit Free Parking, only to realize they counted
spaces wrong and are now buttfucked. You just dealt with the dawg,
bitch.”

Punter vehemently objected to my house rules:

“THERE’S NO MONEY IN FREE PARKING IN THE REAL GAME THAT’S BULLSHIT!!”

Fucking fascist.

Round 1, Pick 6 – Ape – Clue

“Like, Monopoly, you have to play with at least four people or it’s too damn easy. Also, it has to be the Master Detective version. Fuck the purists. There’s more stuff, meaning it’s more difficult. And communism was just a red herring.”

The best ending to the “Clue” movie? The third one. The second one, where Mrs. Peacock killed them all, was bullshit.

Round 2, Pick 7 – Ape – Jenga

“I can utilize my surgical precision of motion without sticking my hand in some dude, as in Operation.”

God, I suck at Operation. Good call.

Round 2, Pick 8 – Me – Cranium

“Okay, so the drawing something with your eyes closed part is fucking
impossible, and I hate trying to sculpt shit out of that fucking clay,
but I can handle the rest of the game fairly well.”

Round 2, Pick 9 – flubby – Backgammon

“I just can’t think of anything interesting to say about backgammon.”

Is this a board game? I think it’s usually played inside a briefcase. Flubby continues to flirt with the rules. Anarchist.

Round 2, Pick 10 – UM – GO

“With my life hanging in the balance I like the idea of a zero-sum battle of the minds. Oh Jesus, I’m going to die.”

I’ve never heard of this game. It looks like Othello, only even more head-splitting.

Round 2, Pick 11 – CC – Risk

“Nobody has the stamina and patience to ever finish a damn game, which means it’s highly unlikely that I’ll lose. Plus this gives commenters the chance to re-heat the predictable and and not terribly funny “Ukraine strong!” joke from Seinfeld. Also, I love saying the word Kamchatka.”

Man, CC loves his readers.

Round 2, Pick 12 – Punter – The Dark Tower

“This game is pretty fucking sweet. The tower was computerized. You killed people, bought food, killed some more people, and then roamed some countryside and shit. Plus, Pegasus is in the game! I don’t see no Pegasus in fucking Monopoly, that’s for gaddam sure.

This was my favorite game as a kid, even though I only won one time. The fact that it is so obscure gives me a critical edge.”

It’s like World of Warcraft, only REAL! And plastic!

Round 3, Pick 13 – Punter – Scene It (Movie Version)

“Yes, there’s a DVD in it, but there’s also cards, and it is played on a board. Plus, the game is so damn easy. It’s not uncommon for me to pull it out when a party dies down and ask, ‘How about me against everyone?’”

Punter also asks this question when he walks into sporting goods stores and Taco Bells.

Round 3, Pick 14 – CC – Pass The Pigs

“Okay, so there’s no board, but nobody objected to dominoes, so this damn well better get a pass. Pass the Pigs is the absolute balls. I love this game, and I will absolutely lie and cheat to win. However, we’d have to play best-of-nine in order to make sure the best player (me) won. Otherwise a pair of cold pigs could cause my untimely death.”

I’ve never heard of this game. “Pass the Pigs” sounds like some kind of game baseball players play with slumpbusters.

Round 2, Pick 15 – UM – Knock Hockey

“I was going to go in a different direction but if Pass the motherfucking Pigs is a board game then the field opens up a bit. You can try to beat me in knock hockey, but you will undoubtably go home humbled.”

Round 2, Pick 16 – flubby – Yahtzee

“I used to play with my grandmother when I was a little kid. I think I still got the skills if my life depended on it.“

And flubby goes three rounds without picking an actual board game. You gotta love Kentuckians.

Round 2, Pick 17 – Me – Rail Baron

“Want to go from Miami to Seattle? Better pay my track fee, bitch. No
one rides for free when I own the Sante Fe AND the Union Pacific. Not
even the hoboes. They get shot first.”

Round 2, Pick 18 – Ape – Gnip Gnop

“Because I wanted to pick something really gnay. That and all the board games in which I’m even marginally skilled have been taken, I’d take one that totally haphazard. I’d pick Battleship if I wanted something cooler, but I always lose.”

When you think about it, Battleship is just a more masculine version of Go Fish. But hey, everyone loves imitating the old ad when they’re battleship gets sunk. Also, everyone always chooses the red pegs. The white pegs are for homos. I liked the deluxe edition of Battleship that made actual sounds when your shit got hit. I only wish the horrible screams of sailors burning to death had also been included.

And there’s your draft. You’ll notice none of us picked chess. Says a lot about us as a group, and that is that we aren’t Asian. I’m sure we missed a few. Your picks in the comments. Next week’s draft promises to be a doozy.

Each week leading up to the draft, we at KSK will be holding a mock draft of our own in the category of our choosing. This week, we are drafting countries, pre-divided parcels of LAND! It’s the only thing they’re not making more of, or some shit.

The rules here: Only currently existing nations may be selected (sorry, Banat). The United States is off limits. Some elaborate description of how and why you would pillage that nation’s resources/people/geopolitical characteristics is required.

The Order: Ape, UM, CC, Drew, flub, MMP.

You can read Round 1 here and Round 2 here.

Countries already off the board: Brazil, Japan, Australia, Italy, St. Maarten, China, Sweden, Lesotho, The UK, Argentina, United Arab Emirates, Israel.

Round 3

UM: Earlier when I asked if we could take principalities and sovereign states Drew assumed I was going to take the Vatican. Granted I love the power and influence, but I just don’t need all of those Catholic headaches. I must admit, the infallibility makes me a bit giddy. This is the only principality that entices me.

UM: 13. Monaco

So many reasons, I should have taken it number one.

A beautiful crop of land on the French Riviera and it’s not French…sign me up! They’re tiny and they don’t get involved in conflicts. That’s good, I’m fucking sick of international drama. Monaco just chills by the water doing its thing while all of the millionaires stream through. And for every shark-like millionaire you’ve got dozens of sexy scavenger fish from all over the world.

It’s tiny and it doesn’t wield power but it might just be the coolest place in the world. It’s fully stocked with beauty and wealth from all parts of the globe. Monte Carlo rules. I’ll write up a better reasoning later.

Drew: Terrible pick. You may as well pick gonorrhea. It’s less problematic.

MMP: No, to pick gonorrhea, you have to wait your turn.

Ape: It was still my pick, UM.

UM: Oh fuck. I thought you already went twice. I blame the hash.

Ape: Drew is doing nothing but taking Old Europe countries. That’s the Norv
Turner all chalk route. You might as well take France next.

Ape: Actual No. 13. Russia

I got tropical hotness, then global influence and military might. Now
I’m consolidating my power with land and money. Russia, though not the
superpower it once was, is still a G8 nation with a ton of oil money.

It’s cold as fuck so I probably won’t be spending much time there, but
I’ll take all the nice vodka they make.

CC: Ape, you really should have taken Monaco out of spite. I assume UM’s sticking with Monaco at 14, yes?

UM: Way to drop the ball, Ape. I mean Israel and Russia? That’s worse than me taking movie characters who die. Besides, I’ll be chilling on the beach while sipping on the very same vodka.

Ape: Not when I control the country, you won’t.

UM: Oh well. I like Ciroc and Grey Goose just fine.

Ape: And way to take a big chunk of desert full of people who hate you, UM.

UM: It’s on the water, and I’ll just expel all the haters and replace them with tits.

Ape: Russia is strategic. Why do I need another tropical wonderland when I
have Brazil? You can go the Matt Millen route and take seven
receivers. I have a well-rounded squad.

UM: Please. Japan will crush you. Plus, I have more millionaires than you can count because of the whole “No income tax in Monaco” thing.

Ape: Japan? Those sandal-wearing goldfish tenders?

UM: Commie.

CC: Okay girls, that’s enough bickering.

CC: 15. France.

Finally my years of French in high school and college become moderately useful.

Step 1 as owner of France: eliminate French.
Step 2: Begin rigorous euthanasia program.

I want to maintain the outstanding legacy of wine, cheese, and art while destroying the snooty pussy-dom. Because we all need a pet project. I figure France can practice by conquering Monaco. Those people are even bigger pussies than the French.

Honorable mention: Iraq. Nothing would give me greater pleasure than to turn that shithole into a parking lot. I have no idea how that geographical toilet became the cradle of civilization. Nice sandstorms and 130-degree humidity, asses. Enjoy nuclear winter.

flub: Did you guys read [the steroids piece] from Chuck Klosterman today?

CC: Klosterman totally would have picked Canada and given a shitty explanation for it.

UM: Ufford is France which means he’s entitled to protect me as Monaco. Always good to have your back covered by a Marine.

[The group]: …

UM: My sentences make sense when I type them. I swear.

Ape: Drew’s on the clock, then flubby and Punter.

UM: Ape’s in a hurry to take Khazakstan in free agency.

Drew: And the Balkans!

Ape: I get a supplemental pick for all your bitching.

UM: Feel free to supplement your picks with places that don’t suck.

Drew: 16. Mexico

First thing I do is round up all the tourists in Cancun and have them
murdered. Next thing I do is eat a flauta and get me a suntan.
Mexico rules.

flub: I won a free yard of Dos Equis at Senor Frog’s in Cancun. It took me five minutes to work up the nerve to admit to the DJ I knew the name of the lead singer of Loverboy, but my thirst finally won out. Going to Mexico in late July is not among the wisest decisions I have ever made. Shit was hotter than the sun.

UM: Try going to the Bahamas at the end of august. My mom was never that sharp.

flub: I imagine you get some really good rates during hurricane season.

UM: It rained for five days. Good job, Mom. I just saw the clip that Jordi sent us. Feel free to use that clip to explain my selection of Japan.

MMP: I’ll make a mental note of that.

Ape: Drew lays into Israel but then takes Mexico? You should have just taken Sudan.

flub: 17. Luxembourg.
It’s small enough that I think I could run the whole place single-handedly. Then I would surround the entire country with a big velvet rope and tell the Euro-trash to keep the fuck out.

MMP: Motherfucker, I was gonna take Luxembourg. It has the world’s higest GDP per capita.

Ape: Jersey has the highest per capita income in the U.S. and I don’t think
that would be taken in a state draft.

MMP: Ape, Infoplease would like to have a word with you.

UM: Even though we’re not a state, DC owns!

Ape: Fine, Jersey’s only third. Screw Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me for saying different.

MMP: 18. Cuba.

Then I would buy the Marlins and move them there. Fidel would sit in the dugout until his death, whilest I drank rum and diets from behind home plate. I needed a token hotspot, and this ties in nicely with the boner I have for communist reform. Plus, Cuba will make a decent staging area for the 250,000 Chinese troops I’m about to send over to St. Maarten.