Today’s draft is inspired by the fantastic bit of nostalgia seen above (via Flubby). Your task is to select one athlete and one (real) product that you would combine to create the perfect celebrity endorsement. Once an athlete or product is selected they are off the table for good.

I’ll get things started with the Albert Haynesworth Drive ‘n Grill. It’s like a Foreman Grill with the increased probability of Cornballeresque burns.

Chad Ochocinco is well-liked by football fans across America, except by me. I can’t stand the guy. He hasn’t done dick since Houshmandzadeh left town and last year he and TO rode a tidal wave of mediocrity into a nine-game losing streak. While Chad seemed to have trouble catching balls, he had no trouble catching headlines, seemingly spending more time working the camera than working on his game. That’s not fun to watch when your team is busy making Ryan Fitzpatrick look like Joe Montana.

Those unfamiliar with Bengals owner Mike Brown might think of his refusal to trade Carson Palmer as the ultimate act of stubborness. That actually came two years ago, when the Bengals were offered two first-round picks for Chad Ochocinco. Brown said no.

Yesterday, Ochocinco was traded to the Patriots. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, Chadwick.

Albert Haynesworth. Shitty attitude. Horribly underperforming. Fat.

Traded to the Patriots.

Wouldn’t it be great if we could take the worst people in our lives and just trade them to the Patriots? Just send them off to personality rehab where they would eventually get their shit together and fulfill their potential? The tradeoff of watching them succeed is totally worth not having to deal with their misplaced self-aggrandizement. Out of sight, out of mind.

You are picking one person or celebrity that you would banish from your life in a blockbuster trade to New England. Don’t be afraid to get meta if you’re capable of explaining yourself. It can be a tired celebrity or some asshole in your actual life. Pick. Wait ten picks. Pick again.

I’m taking Harrison Ford, who simply doesn’t have the decency to choke himself to death in a closet while wearing fishnet stockings already. Coach wants to see you, Harrison. Bring your playbook and that stupid earring of yours and let’s get this over with.

It seems almost fitting that we run the complete opposite of last week’s kommenter draft. Instead of picking two people you’d like to see together, this week you’ll be selecting a couple that you could pull apart without repercussions. Because couples are fucking annoying, bros are bothersome, and pairs are better left pared…with a paring knife, that is.

Sometimes couples or duos or business partners split up naturally, like Stevie and Tiger up there, but who has time to wait for that? I HATE THESE PEOPLE NOW. Their joining forces is detrimental to my happiness. WHY CAN’T YOU BE LONELY AND MISERABLE LIKE THE REST OF US?!

Select one pair of humans–living, dead, fictional–that you would care to separate for all eternity. Explain why if you need to. Any person can be re-selected, provided he or she is part of another pair. Wait ten picks, and then pick another duo. These people need to be stopped.

I’m taking Batman and Robin for my first pick. Nobody cares about Robin, except for the clearly-gay Robin from the TV show. Meh, you can’t make an omelette something something. Looks like you’re pounding sand, Boy Wonder.

Now you try.

Sam and Diane, Dennis and Mac, Chuck and the reason people pretend to like Chuck. Network television history is littered with couples who exude sexual tension. This week, inspired by Annie and Britta’s saphic love, you’ll be drafting a fictional couple from a network television show to feature in a sex tape. The only rule is that you can’t pick Annie and Britta. They’re taken. Stop asking.

Image via Warming Glow. Go there for the hi-res image (you’re probably due for a new desktop background) and the accompanying video.

I love food. It’s a simple fact that a quick search through the mock draft and kommenter draft archives will confirm. I love to cook, smell, eat, look at, and read about all sorts of different foods. But even somebody like me has a few foodstuffs they wish had never been invented. While it would be easy to pick anything preceded by the words “Guy Fieri,” we’ll try to keep this draft a bit more specific. You are tasked with selecting the one specific dish you would banish from menus the world over.

With the first pick, I’m taking crinkle cut fries. Ugh. Nothing about these is good. They could be made from scratch right in front of my face and they’d still taste like frozen crap. They are by far the worst take on the fried potato, behind the classic french fry, the majesty of the curly fry, and even the overly potato-y steak fry. You hear that, crinkle cuts? You’re worse than steak fries! Make your picks in the comments, and please wait ten picks before selecting again.

I have returned from vacation ripe with inspiration. After spending countless hours strolling through museums I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to commission a portrait of myself. Back in the Renaissance everyone had them. Well, everyone who was a Medici, at least. And those guys were probably assholes. Surely the rest of us deserve such luxuries.

This week you’ll be drafting both an artist, and a medium for your own artistic masterpiece. With the first pick, I’m going with a colossal statue carved in gold by Michelangelo. Because I’m classy as fuck.

The NFL Draft has begun, so it’s as good a time as ever to kick off the first KSK Commenter Draft of the season. While you’re waiting patiently for the second round to HURRY UP AND F*CKING START ALREADY you may have noticed another ridiculous display of pageantry going on in the world. That’s right, Prince William is getting married, and the lucky lady isn’t even his cousin. Weird. Anyway, we’re left wondering which American would make the ideal monarch, if we were in to that such things.

This week you’ll be drafting someone who you feel would make the perfect King or Queen of our great land. You can pick anyone you’d like as long as they’re American and they have the long form birth certificate to prove it. And not one of those fake ones George Soros prints up in his basement either. This person would wield no actual power, but instead serve as a symbol for America as a whole. Choose wisely, and remember to wait ten picks before selecting again.

We’ll get things started with the honorary first pick, Queen Beyonce.

For the final KSK mock draft of the off-season we’re selecting one snack food for the rest of our lives. Well that’s not entirely accurate, seeing as how we went two rounds. So I guess it’s more like two snack foods for the rest of our lives. In order for a pick to qualify as a snack food it must be something that’s readily available at a grocery and/or convenience store, and it must be ready to eat as is. That means no cooking or assembly whatsoever. Oh, and good news. For the sake of this draft the snack foods in question will not make you morbidly obese. So put down the raisins and check out the results. Then take your turn in the comment section as usual.

1. Drew
2. UM
3. Flubby
4. CC
5. Punte
6. Ape

1. Drew – Cheetos

I love them. I really do. I could eat six bags a day.

2. UM – Restaurant style tortilla chips

I’m partial to the Xochitl salted variety, personally.

3. Flubby – Oatmeal Creme Pie

Greatest snack of all time.

4. CC – Beef jerky

And don’t nobody go try to get the pepper beef jerky — that’s mine, too.

5. Punte – Trail mix

M&Ms and peanuts? Don’t mind if I does.

Salty and sweet. Good value.

6. Ape – White cheddar Smart popcorn

7. Ape – Cheez-Its

That guy seems to agree.

8. Punte – Gummy bears

The breakfast, lunch and dinner of champions.

9. CC – Pistachios

Do those qualify? I fucking love pistachios.

They absolutely qualify, and they would not have been around much longer. Pistachios are the tits.

10. Flubby – Cashews

They aren’t pistachios, but they’re pretty great in their own right.

11. UM – Ice cream

How is this still on the board? I’m an idiot for not taking it in the first round.

12. Drew – Dry roasted peanuts

We’ll be back next week with the first Commenter Draft of the year. If you have a suggestion for a new topic feel free to send it in.

Another week down, which means it’s time for a KSK mock draft. This time we’re drafting people who deserve to be thrown in federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison. Anyone can be selected, regardless of whether or not they’ve done anything remotely illegal. I’ll let Drew get us started with the feel-good pick of the year after the jump.

1. Drew – Lloyd Blankfein

Fuck him, and fuck his cunting company. Put one of these robber baron shitheels in the clink for once.

2. Flubby – Osama Bin Laden

Memba him?

Drew: You only want him jailed? LIBRUL
Flubby: I’m counting on a Dahmeresque broom-handle shanking.

3. CC – Perez Hilton

Just because he’s an annoying shithead, and Reed’s comment about broom-handle shanking got me excited for him to die that way.

4. Punte – Barbara Streisand

Preferably via instacancer, a crippling new disease that I just made up. In lieu of colored ribbons for fundraising support, supporters will be encouraged to wear lapel pins representing oversized noses.

Flubby: In prison, not dead.
Punte: I’m keeping that pick, though. The thought of Babs in a cafeteria brawl makes me happy.

5. Ape – Tom Brady

6. UM – Joe Arpaio

Preferably in Maricopa County.

7. UM – LeBron James

SUCH AN ASSHOLE.

8. Ape – Tony Hayward

9. Punte – Ken Lay

I love how he just conveniently died during the Bush Administration. Dead, my ass. That fucker is sitting on his own private Virgin Island.

10. Matt – Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan. I’m sick of that bitch dodging jail time.

11. Punte – Roger Clemens

I’m sure Jeff Pearlman’s undying affection is worth something…

12. Drew – Rush Limbaugh

Preferably on kiddie rape charges.

So why did Punter make three picks? No clue. The better question is why he’s so hung up on Barbara Streisand. Your turn in the comments. Have fun.

Biopics are a tricky subject. For every masterpiece like Raging Bull there is some steaming pile of crap like The Babe that is hampered by bad writing and casting. Some of the most intriguing films never even make it to filming because of factual uncertainties. Fortunately we don’t have to worry about these tricky aspects of film making, because our only task is to pick the subject. Everyone in human history is fair game, save for those who have been the subject of a biopic that was released in theaters.

Let’s get started.

1. Punte- 1. Kurt Cobain

The most influential musician of the last 20 years. The movie will be nothing but drugs, nudity and great music. And it’ll end just like the first half of Boogie Nights.

And if there is a god the woman playing Courtney Love will look nothing like Courtney Love.

2. Ape- DB Cooper

Or whatever his real name is/was.

3. UM- Robert Evans

Probably best to wait until Evans dies. We wouldn’t want him trying to produce it himself.

4. Drew- GG Allin

5. CC- Roald Dahl

Children’s novelist with dark humor, yes — but also a RAF pilot in World War II. After a distinguished flying career, he was assigned to Washington D.C. as a British spy, where he laid pipe to endless A-list tail. I would watch that movie.

6. Flubby- Sam Kinison

That’s going to be one sexy casting call.

7. Flubby- Ray Mancini

Considering his Hollywood connections it’s pretty surprising that Mickey Ward beat him to the punch. Too bad Boom Boom is from Youngstown and not Lowell.

8. Harriet Tubman

If Roots taught me anything, it’s that slave owners make effective bad guys.

9. Drew- Jimi Hendrix

It’s odd that this hasn’t happened yet, aside from a TV movie starring Avon Barksdale that didn’t include any of his actual music.

10. UM- Harry Houdini

Apparently there are a couple of different versions in the early stages of development. Not for the first time either.

11. Ape- Nellie Bly

12. Punte- Warren Buffet

Only because I’m totally gay for the Buffmeister.

Make your picks in the comments, but please try to not fuck it up by drafting Ray Charles or Ed Wood. There’s only one rule. Use it.