[snaps pictures]

Lunge at me, Tigah! Play with my innards! Toss them about like confetti and roll around in zem! Strut confidently in your nature preserve. You’re a savage beast incapable of remorse or spleeet ends. Make me lust for your senseless need to kill.

[snaps pictures]

Okay we’re done. [Waves hand] Be gone.

Where is my three o’clock? Michele demands to know.

[Door flies open, rose petals scatter forth while celestial music plays]

Tom Brady: You would be well advised to make an inquiryyyyyyyyy

Hey everybody. I hope my tardiness didn’t put you off your schedule. Did I? Really? Huh? Gee, I’m sorry.

Just flying in from Monte Carlo. It’s a lovely town but it wears on you after the first few dozen visits. They have these weird, magic elves there that healed my ankle in almost no time at all, freeing me up to engage in a 12-way with these crazy Persian princesses and then I got a mud bath. Good as new! [Carefree whistling]

[Finds a $100 bill in pocket]

Hey, whaddayaknow?

Photog: Zo we are ready to begin, yes?

Brady: Yeah. Great. Let’s do it.

Photog: Yes! Yes! Preheat my face to a million degrees and make it melt, fancy man. Don’t give me fey! Give me coy! No, that’s arch!

Yes! Better.

[Theme to "Greatest American Hero" ringtone goes off]

Brady: Hold on. [Answers] Hello? Oh, hey, Randy. Yeah, would love to hang out, but I’m in the middle of something. You wanted to eat where? Can we push it back to seven? Yeah, sure, Wes and Asante can come, too. The more the merrier. Uh-huh. Okay, cool. Yeah, see you then. [Turns off phone]

Heh. Teammates. Love those guys.

Now where were we?

Photog: Yes! Tussle the hair. Give me about 30 percent more nonchalance. Raffish up zat smile.

Photog: Zokay. More smoldering. More! No, that merely scalds me! I need ze white hot! Sizzling may work on zhose bobby sockers but the camera zees your lies! I want heat spots to develop on the film!

Photog: There. You have done it. My camera has literally been engulfed in flame. Another stroke of genius by Michele. Go now, mindless meathunk.

Brady: We’re all done? Awesome. Thanks.

[Eats Wonka bar, finds golden ticket]

Hey, all right!