Why, just a few weeks ago, the biggest storyline going for this game would be the return of Dickabod Crane from his four-game suspension. But then Randy Moss had to tell Tom Brady that Dreamboat has a woman’s haircut and Brett Farve had to (ALLEGEDLY) beam photos of his thimbledick over a cell phone to Jenn Sterger. And so we have a Category 5 Shitstorm brewing over the New Meadowlands. Beats another game with Dolphins, I guess.

Now, Moss has to go against the Jets’ two shit-talking corners for the second time in a month. Favre faces the team that he might have committed sexual harassment while playing for. And Inez Sainz and Sterger will cover it all while in body paint from the sidelines. Basically, sports news producer’s wet dream a million times over.

Oh, and if you need more hollow and sordid football talk to tide you over before the game, there’s my Designed Rush column over at SB Nation.

Let’s all give a nice welcome to our new live blog administrator, StuScottBooyahs. Remember, we get scores of readers at any one time sending tons of comments, so it’s possible that one of yours might go unapproved. That or it simply wasn’t interesting enough for inclusion. Either way, have patience and you’ll be included. The more you bitch, the more likely you’ll be ignored.

Now let’s all exult in the next installment of the Saints punishing Brett Favre without mercy. New Orleans should not settle simply for injuring Favre. Remember that Jared Allen, Steve Hutchinson and Ryan Longwell are also culpable for the Land Baron’s return. This act cannot go unpunished. It is a shame that Darren Sharper is out, however, as the culmination of his off-season blood feud with Visanthe Shiancoe was sure to be entertaining.

“That…sweet…sweet…can.”

Shame there wasn’t a clock in the background.

WILL HE OR WON’T HE 2010 is officially underway–Brett Favre has reportedly told teammates that he intends to retire and not play in a 20th NFL season this fall. So he’s definitely gonna play now, right? While Brett hasn’t commented publicly, we’re free to speculate why the announcement came out now.

• Holding out hope for a spot in the Arrested Development movie.
• He wants to finish his career with the Heat.
• Holding out for a new contract; he wants to be the league’s highest-paid quadragenarian.
• NFL offices’ refusal to let Favre change his number to “double possum.”
• Still busy trying to chase BP executives off his lawn.
• He’s covered in oil! Derp derp derp!
• He hates training camp.

See you in Week 1, Brett!

Directed by the immortal Marty Callner

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to correct people on that. They’ll be all, like, “I’m going as Favrenstein for Halloween DERP DERP DERPITY DERP.”

No, listen, you asshole. Favrenstein is the CREATOR. You mean Favrenstein’s MONSTER! She’s the big scary one with bolts in her neck and chins to her FUPA. Why is that so hard to grasp?!

[Bloody jersey abortion brought to you by Big League Stew and drugs]

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Sorry Drew. As a Vikings fan, you’ve been dealt more than your share of crushing defeats (and served more than your share of cake). I’d like for you to get to see your team win a title at some point. This is not that point in time. You’re on the side of Favre, so I wish you nothing but dejection and despair on this day. AND YOU RUINED THE “PANTS ON THE GROUND” GUY FOR US!

Conversely, Cajun Boy tries his hardest with treacly pap to make us hate New Orleans, but it’s a futile effort – we cannot.

The Saints have Breesus and they’re so cute with their history of complete irrelevance. Some sort of disaster might have also befallen their city in the recent past. All this is enough to make me ignore “Who Dat”. Okay, maybe not, but it’s still enough make them easily preferable to the alternative. I don’t care if a decent percentage of their fans are swamp rat rubes. I don’t care if Jeremy Shockey scores four TDs and celebrates each one with crotch chops and shockers. I’ll douche it up right along with him. Anything but Brittfar.

TR: HURRRRRRR Hey Brett I bet Aikman fondles my nuts like this the entire game.

BF: Awshoot thatainno meadyahumpin yobigolhushpuppy. Datdere loftyfeller gunnacuponolBrittfar’s gibletslikeuhprickerinthefield, itellyuh.

Here’s but one of a barrage of horrifically unfunny Brett Favre ads for Starter that, if they haven’t already debuted (I hadn’t seen them before this morning), will soon only tighten the Land Baron’s stranglehold on your television set. Of course, to get Brittfar to whore for you, you have to make the commercial more about goddamn Favre than the product you’re actually selling. Did you know Brett is super awesome in cold weather games? Well, then you didn’t watch the 2007 NFC Championship Game.

It’s just like the Best Buy Sears ads that aired earlier in the season in which he couldn’t make up his mind about buying a TV. HARF HARF ‘CAUSE BRETT WAS INDECISIVE ABOUT RETIREMENT TOO!

Read the rest of this entry »

Marvel Comics is releasing a four-issue series in which bad guys decide to blow up Soldier Field. Normally, I would say they are setting their sights relatively low in terms of supervillainy, but there are heads of state who could die and cause less Middle America devastation than Bretty Boy. TV pundits would set themselves on fire in the streets. Peter King alone would incite an ultra-dangerous jelly jihad against those responsible. SO LET’S HAVE IT MR. SINISTER! THIS STADIUM’S NOT GONNA EXPLODE ITSELF!

This is the final MNF broadcast of the season, so of course the announcers get to save some good ol’ Favretardery for their last hurrah. The Vikings still have a shot at swiping home field advantage from the Saints, which would matter if the Vikings weren’t going to lose their first postseason game anyway.