So the Green Bay Packers have announced that they will retire Brett Favre’s No. 4, but that “it’s probably going to take a few years.” Oh, great. Just what we needed: ANOTHER Favre saga to drag out from season to season.

I don’t mean to sound morbid, but I’m ready for Favre to be ruthlessly murdered in the street and to have his entrails decorating downtown Hattiesburg like crappy Christmas lights. Aaron Rodgers had one of the best seasons ever for a quarterback and we’re still talking about this guy. I take umbrage with that. Serious umbrage.

More at With Leather.

The Eagles blowing their shot at a first-round bye by losing at home to Joe Webb? Sumptuous failure or DELIBERATE SABOTAGE AGAINST THE GIANTS, WHO NEED THE BEARS TO TRY TO BEAT THE PACKERS! I’ll take a glorious screwing over of two obnoxious NFC East teams in one night, thanks.

What I couldn’t truck, however, was this overwrought Springsteen overlaid montage for Favre’s lost season of bullshit. Yes, Favre’s 2010 pickkake had all the pathos of The Wrestler, a movie about a guy who kept pursuing a violent trade because he’s a wreck and has no money left and not a total drama queen hellbent on holding the entire sports world hostage to his need for attention for months at a time.

DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE

Though PK says it could use another pinch of nutmeg and maybe a drizzling of his lofty load.

Included for sheer Photoshop potential.

Normally, Ed Rendell is a never-ending font of fatheaded Filthydelphia f*cktardery, but I’ll give the Pennsylvania governor credit for ragging on The Rog for postponing the Vikes-Eagles game on Sunday on account of a blizzard. And he threw in some right fine racial stereotyping for good measure.

If this was in China, do you think the Chinese would have called off the game? He’s right, the people would have been marching down to the stadium, they would have walked, and they would be doing calculus on the way down.

And when they got there, they wouldn’t even watch the game until they finished their piano lesson! And if they complained – BLAM! – gunned down on the spot. Won’t even do the decency of hauling away your corpse. Just let you bleed out all over South Street. That’s the America I want to live in: China!

I guess it is ironic that the Eagles ever won a title.

Derpwhile, Ol’ Brittfar remains listed as doubtful, though he’ll probably pull some horseshit an hour before kickoff, whether he actually starts or not. Don’t know about you guys, but I got enough brainless knob slobbing for ill-advised throws last night with Breesus, so we’re probably set for the rest of our lives. Thanks anyway, Favraro. Please watch your career’s final primetime loss on the sideline like a nice Dongslinger.

And to get the endless fantasy discussion started, what with many a league championship being determined tonight, I’ll give you the outlook of my three teams still in contention.

Semifinal – Down 13. Starting DeSean. Opponent’s starters are all done. That’s a solid maybe.
Semifinal – Up 31. Starting Vick. Opponent has DeSean and LeSean. Probably good here.
Championship game – Up two. Starting Maclin. Opponent (Maj) has Vick. I’m boned.

If you know anything about us, you knew this was inevitable. The only thing that could have made it better is if they got audio of Favre snarling like a pig.

I think Brett Favre started this game only so ESPN could have one more quarter of stroking him long and hard before Corey Wootton could bounce his head off the rock-hard turf. And stroke they did. Jaws made sure to take every last snap as an airport tongue bath before Brett boarded the gate for long overdue retirement.

That’ll do, Brett. That’ll do.

You drove from Florida for a game that he wasn’t expected to start until two hours before kickoff? WEST PALM BEACH KNOWS TOO MUCH!

Brett Favre is pulling some last minute dramatics that suggest he might start. Failing that, he’s getting in some good attention whoring before occupying half the ESPN broadcast via anguished sideline shots. Meanwhile, TCF Stadium is approaching Heinz Field levels of hazardous conditions.

Chris Kluwe is especially concerned. No worries, pally. If anyone is catastrophically injured, it’s probably not going to be the sorry-ass punter. Even if said punter has the best reaction to the helmet hits madness of any NFL player to date.

It’s easy to say this has been a generous past seven days, with Tony Romo’s shoulder getting destroyed and now Brett Favre getting his stupid jaw dislocated from his dumb stubblecockface, but it’s a new week. And if this is the high point already, I won’t be disappointed.

A cheese cowboy hat? Christ, I can’t sincerely root for you assholes even against Brett Favre. While last week I said that I would prefer the Vikings to hang in contention long enough for them to truly disappoint the long-time sucker fans like Drew, who year after year wait enough time for the Vikes to crush their futile hopes for success.

No longer. Even if seeing the over-hyped Packers crushed underneath the weight of incredible and unreasonable expectation, the Vikings are too annoying to be allowed to continue playing in prime time games. So for the sake of all Sunday and Monday night games, let’s have the Vikings buried well before the flex game portion of season begins.

Granted, the Vikes only have one game on either Sunday or Monday night the rest of the season, but that’s one too many. STOP THE GUNSLINGING FOR A NATIONAL AUDIENCE! STOP IT NOW!

Jeebus Retweeting Christ, if I ever manage to forgive ESPN for the thousands of other disgusting things they’ve done to sports, I’m not sure I’ll be able to get over the travishamockery this broadcast was tonight. From all the constant invoking of Favre’s Dead Dad game during what was him having to face TOTALLY UNFAIR criticism for alleged lewd acts to the constant apologizing that not at all subtly turned into straight up cheerleading later on when Favre wasn’t a complete joke in the 4th quarter. Gah GAAAAHHHH! It wouldn’t be so enraging if it wasn’t so predictable.

First half commentary distilled: OH GOD IS THE BRITTFAR ELBOW OKAY? I THINK HE’S REALLY STRUGGLING WITH THE ELBOW TONIGHT

Early third quarter blather: OH YEAH, THAT ELBOW IS GONNA BE A PROBLEM. WE KNOW SUZY ASKED CHILDRESS AND HE SAID IT WAS FINE. BUT WE’RE JUST GONNA KEEP BRINGING IT UP

[Brett Favre sets all-time record for most fumbles, only gets a minor footnote when he ties the record]

[Then God decides to hate us a little]

Oh, get the f*ck out of here with the goddamn birthday party bubble letter font on that shit. You might as well had the chyron shoot out of the ALLEGED picture of his cock.

WAIT BRETT DON’T LET THEM FORGET ABOUT YOUR ELBOW! IT’S SO YOU CAST YOUR MAGIC SPELLS OF BOYHOOD SANDLOTTERY

Yes, there’s a good attention whore. You just keep that thing cradled whenever you’re not banging it against a lineman’s helmet in celebration.

Did you hear Tirico go off when the Jets were passing right before the two-minute mark? You would have thought he was a dipshit sports radio caller. Yeah, it was most definitely poor clock management from Rex, did we hear anything that impassioned against Brett, like when he overthrew a wide-open-by-seven-yards Percy Harvin in the f*cking flat?

NO, YOU FOOL. NOT CRYING INTO BOTH HANDS! GET ONE BACK ON THAT ELBOW PRONTO! WE NEED A SCAPEGOAT!

Via reader Rafael: Here’s your real happy-clappy bubble letter festive f*cking touchdown, assholes.