I don’t know about you, but I have had an uncommonly shitty day today. Work sucks. My lunch sucked. My commute sucked. My jokes sucked. Everyone has found a unique way to be annoying. On a day like today, there’s really only one thing that can cheer me up, and that is to systematically take apart another edition of Peter King’s
Monday Morning Quarterback. Here’s King on Favre’s ability to pick up the Jets’ playbook.
Remember what Steve Mariucci once told me about Favre, and apply it to learning a new offense. “He’s got a photographic memory, or very close to it,” Mariucci, his former quarterback coach, said. “You think he’s sleeping there in the meetings, and he still knows everything he has to know and doesn’t make mental mistakes.”
So throwing the ball to Corey Webster in overtime was part of the plan all along? Steve Mariucci, you sir, are a master at reading body language. “Hmmm. He looks like he’s sleeping. That must mean he’s concentrating EXTRA hard.”
My Favre memory story: Two nights after seeing Sling Blade in 1996, he couldn’t stop talking like Billy Bob Thornton.
Well fuck me, that is amazing. He talked just like a highly imitated character from a popular film? He must be some kind of verbal chameleon! Only he and Frank Caliendo could possess the mimicking skills needed to pull off such a daring, original impression. Quick Brett, do Chris Walken! And Pacino! No one’s ever tried to do those two guys before!
I’m not talking just a few words in the Billy Bob voice as the developmentally disabled vigilante Karl; I’m talking paragraphs. “I reckon I kilt him,” he’d say in the Thornton drawl. And on and on. “Some folks call it a sling blade. I call it a Kaiser blade. Mmm-hmm.”
He’ll learn (the Jets offense) well enough.
King here is saying that, because Favre was able to imitate Billy Bob’s character so well, and because he beat it into the ground, he should have no problem picking up the Jets’ offense. I’ve seen Favre also do a killer Schwarzenegger impression, and I remain convinced that alone is a sure sign that he could master biochemical engineering if he wanted to.
Favre is tired. I can tell you that.
Poor Brett! After everything everyone has put him through!
Just so you know, that “Brett is tired” sentence merited its own line item. I’m excited for more in-depth observations in the coming weeks.
“Favre is bearded. I can tell you that.”
“Favre has grit. I can tell you that.”
“Peyton Manning is a thinker out there. I can tell you that.”
“Tom Brady is a champion. I can tell you that.”
I expect once Favre and his family settle somewhere in west-central New Jersey… the only time he’ll go to Manhattan is when he’s forced to.
Like if someone turns on a camera. Then his hand will be forced.
In his first press conference with his new team Thursday night, Favre, who admitted how far behind he was, said: “I’m so tired of doing interviews and talking about this or talking about that. Tomorrow, hopefully, the mad rush is over.”
“I’m so tired of doing these interviews. Let me just sneak out of here and leak to Greta Van Susteren, Chris Mortensen, Reuters, Chelsea Handler, the editors at US Weekly, the DC press corps, and Matt Drudge how sick I am of doing them.”
Favre, already exhausted and with no knowledge of the playbook, probably got to bed around 3 a.m. Friday morning. And instead of rising early to get cracking on his new offense or sleeping in and getting a fresh start at, say, noon, Favre got an early wakeup to meet the mayor — and, of course, get his picture taken so the papers could trumpet the new Jet hero. Memo to Jets: Opening day is closer than you think. Learning playbooks is more important than meeting the mayor and winning the front page right now. Handle your quarterback with care.
First step in handling your QB: making it look like any and all media whoring sessions were things you forced on him, rather than things he arranged 17 days in advance. Be sure to erect a giant cross for him to lug around, to symbolize to all that Brett and Brett alone must carry the terrible, terrible burden of being Brett Favre. You’ve got some nerve making poor Brett go through this whole dog and pony show, gang.
King also unveiled his new column sections!
a. “What I Learned About Football This Week That I Didn’t Know Last Week.”
“Turns out tight ends are eligible to receive passes! Who knew?”
b. “Good Guy of the Week.”
This item was originally called “Guy who willingly ate lunch with me!”
c. “Reminds Me Of …” (And I plan to find a new title for this one.) This is one I’m most excited about. I’ll compare players from this era to those from the past and try to find similar players in style and impact on the game. I’ve already got one in mind for the first week of the season, and it involves a famous quarterback.
Can’t imagine which one.
Bob Costas, you look really smart in Tiananmen Square.
As opposed to British Columbia, where you just look like an idiot.
I’m not a big Olympics guy, but I must say the NBC pictures of a country we barely know were compelling. Looks smoggy and oppressive.
“This Van Gogh painting is incredibly compelling. Looks smeary and colorful.”
f. Speaking of letting people down, there’s a lot of people in the King family disappointed in John Edwards right now.
We thought he really had had a chance to seize the White House this year!
g. Coffeenerdness: On the advice of Braylon Edwards, I’ve recently tried Panera Bread for lunch. (What do I know? Thought it was just a bakery.) Good sandwiches. Very good dark-roast coffee, the Antiguan blend. It’s not Colgate blend, but for a chain, it’s very good.
Tune in next week when Peter discovers Cosi. He originally thought it was a Spanish furniture importer. Turns out they have flatbread. Intriguing.
