By one sports network’s count, there are exactly eight NFL teams that have not publicly declared “no interest” in signing Michael Vick, one of which happens to be the Green Bay Packers. They’re seriously considering picking up Vick, and I think such a signing would be a good move–for them. (more…)
All right, people, if you’ve got HBO and you’re watching this aborted douchefetus, let us hear your thoughts. Those without pay cable, follow along in the comments. It’s the poor man’s live blog.
Reports surfaced today that a Vikings trainer visited the Brittfar feudal land barony on Sunday to suggest to his lordship a regimen of exercises for his recently operated upon shoulder, so that the quarterback may be fine enough physical condition to torpedo the Vikes season by Week 1.
Sometimes we feel like we maybe have maybe a tad too much Favre antipathy on this site. So, concerned that a trainer from a team already fraught with inept quarterback play would only make things worse, we have some other suggestions to get that gun in slinging shape.
Surely you can think of some more. And not only hoisting a gun to discharge into his head.
LOW MILEAGE, HAS SOME PETER KING CUM STAINS ON THE PASSENGER SEAT. Brittfar is auctioning off his truck on eBay, naturally because he’s out of a job and struggling mightily in this economy. But how can a land baron lord over his agrarian empire without his noble chariot? That’s a lot of meadow to stroll, Meadowstroller Gunslinger. [Green Bay, Booze and Broads]
Shit, I mean retiring. Brett Favre is retiring. I hate when I get those mixed up.
Favre sits out his last snap ever? After throwing an illegal forward lateral on his last play?
This day is spec-fucking-tacular.
Via the screen-capturing genius of Awful Announcing comes news that the Green Party has found yet another populist asshole as its candidate of choice. I can only assume President Favre asked a tractor to be his running mate, and that Peter King has a wardrobe of blue dresses ready for Favre’s mighty gun stains.
Favre has already locked up the entire small town tardbilly demographic, which of course makes up 80% of the American electorate. They love him because he hunts, you see. Say, do you know the difference between a football dad and a pit bull? The pit bull isn’t a fucking idiot.
I look forward to Favre trying to bomb Iran, only to end up hitting New Zealand instead.
You may have heard that Peter King was in attendance for his man’s debut as a New York Jet, but did you know that the stadium itself was just half full (including the two seats occupied by King)?
4. I think I don’t want to hear what great fans the Jets have. Not for a long time. That crowd Saturday night was a disgrace. At least half the stadium was empty (Ed. Note: such a pessimist!) for Favre’s debut in a Jets’ uniform. I expressed my amazement to a few fellow scribes Saturday night — emphasizing that N.Y. traded for an all-time-great quarterback, not a broken-down one — and they gave varying reasons for the poor turnout. Like it’s the middle of vacation month for New Yorkers, and it’s a preseason game. Horsefeathers. If you really love your team, and you have season tickets, you should have been at that game unless you were in Tibet. Ridiculous.
I mean, what the fuck is wrong with you assholes? What does it take for you to recognize and appreciate the unbridled majesty of pre-season greatness?
For fuck’s sake, the man threw five passes and you missed it! I demand an explanation from you self-described “fans” of the Jets right this minute.
Steve from West Orange: Every August I take the family to Montauk for two weeks. You know, it helps us to reconnect after the summer and before the kids head back to school. Besides, it was just a preseason game, so I was happy to watch the first half on television.
BULLCOCK! That kind of attitude is what’s wrong with America today. You had a chance to take your family to see one of this nation’s greatest heroes take the field for ten minutes and instead you chose to spend that time on vacation? You sir, are an ungrateful little shit who does not deserve to attend a single regular season game. Your children would be better off laying raped and murdered in a Trenton alley than they would under your care.
Ridiculous.
Last night, I caught one overbearingly hyped sporting event (Michael Phelps winning his record 8th gold of the Olympics, which would’ve been that much greater if Ravens fans didn’t get so much satisfaction out of it) and missed another (Favre’s first appearance in a Jets uniform). Luckily one of our readers was on the scene and, in addition to using my name as a verb, wanted to share this observation:
Without revealing my identity (rather not get Tunison’d), I’ll give you this heads up: Peter King was at the Jets preseason game on Saturday and, of course, his only focus was Favre. Dude was even wearing a green shirt. His first stop was Dustin Keller, to ask him how honored he was to have caught Favre’s first Jets preseason touchdown. And when the ol’ Gunslinger walked into the locker room and was approached by King, he said, “I was worried about coming to New York because it’d put me closer to you.” Said it jokingly, but you know there’s some truth in that.
Uh-oh, PK. Favraro thinks things are moving too fast! He just got into town and you’re already pulling a Laura Quinn and wearing the team colors on the sidelines at his games, then asking for Favre dipping sauce when you go to Papa Johns with him afterward. You gotta make him work for it a little. That in-your-face sluttiness might work with Tony Romo, but as Favre has shown in all his dealings, he likes his relationship courting painful and drawn out.
Remember what Steve Mariucci once told me about Favre, and apply it to learning a new offense. “He’s got a photographic memory, or very close to it,” Mariucci, his former quarterback coach, said. “You think he’s sleeping there in the meetings, and he still knows everything he has to know and doesn’t make mental mistakes.”
So throwing the ball to Corey Webster in overtime was part of the plan all along? Steve Mariucci, you sir, are a master at reading body language. “Hmmm. He looks like he’s sleeping. That must mean he’s concentrating EXTRA hard.”
My Favre memory story: Two nights after seeing Sling Blade in 1996, he couldn’t stop talking like Billy Bob Thornton.
Well fuck me, that is amazing. He talked just like a highly imitated character from a popular film? He must be some kind of verbal chameleon! Only he and Frank Caliendo could possess the mimicking skills needed to pull off such a daring, original impression. Quick Brett, do Chris Walken! And Pacino! No one’s ever tried to do those two guys before!
I’m not talking just a few words in the Billy Bob voice as the developmentally disabled vigilante Karl; I’m talking paragraphs. “I reckon I kilt him,” he’d say in the Thornton drawl. And on and on. “Some folks call it a sling blade. I call it a Kaiser blade. Mmm-hmm.”
He’ll learn (the Jets offense) well enough.
King here is saying that, because Favre was able to imitate Billy Bob’s character so well, and because he beat it into the ground, he should have no problem picking up the Jets’ offense. I’ve seen Favre also do a killer Schwarzenegger impression, and I remain convinced that alone is a sure sign that he could master biochemical engineering if he wanted to.
Favre is tired. I can tell you that.
Poor Brett! After everything everyone has put him through!
Just so you know, that “Brett is tired” sentence merited its own line item. I’m excited for more in-depth observations in the coming weeks.
“Favre is bearded. I can tell you that.”
“Favre has grit. I can tell you that.”
“Peyton Manning is a thinker out there. I can tell you that.”
“Tom Brady is a champion. I can tell you that.”
I expect once Favre and his family settle somewhere in west-central New Jersey… the only time he’ll go to Manhattan is when he’s forced to.
Like if someone turns on a camera. Then his hand will be forced.
In his first press conference with his new team Thursday night, Favre, who admitted how far behind he was, said: “I’m so tired of doing interviews and talking about this or talking about that. Tomorrow, hopefully, the mad rush is over.”
“I’m so tired of doing these interviews. Let me just sneak out of here and leak to Greta Van Susteren, Chris Mortensen, Reuters, Chelsea Handler, the editors at US Weekly, the DC press corps, and Matt Drudge how sick I am of doing them.”
Favre, already exhausted and with no knowledge of the playbook, probably got to bed around 3 a.m. Friday morning. And instead of rising early to get cracking on his new offense or sleeping in and getting a fresh start at, say, noon, Favre got an early wakeup to meet the mayor — and, of course, get his picture taken so the papers could trumpet the new Jet hero. Memo to Jets: Opening day is closer than you think. Learning playbooks is more important than meeting the mayor and winning the front page right now. Handle your quarterback with care.
First step in handling your QB: making it look like any and all media whoring sessions were things you forced on him, rather than things he arranged 17 days in advance. Be sure to erect a giant cross for him to lug around, to symbolize to all that Brett and Brett alone must carry the terrible, terrible burden of being Brett Favre. You’ve got some nerve making poor Brett go through this whole dog and pony show, gang.
King also unveiled his new column sections!
a. “What I Learned About Football This Week That I Didn’t Know Last Week.”
“Turns out tight ends are eligible to receive passes! Who knew?”
b. “Good Guy of the Week.”
This item was originally called “Guy who willingly ate lunch with me!”
c. “Reminds Me Of …” (And I plan to find a new title for this one.) This is one I’m most excited about. I’ll compare players from this era to those from the past and try to find similar players in style and impact on the game. I’ve already got one in mind for the first week of the season, and it involves a famous quarterback.
Can’t imagine which one.
Bob Costas, you look really smart in Tiananmen Square.
As opposed to British Columbia, where you just look like an idiot.
I’m not a big Olympics guy, but I must say the NBC pictures of a country we barely know were compelling. Looks smoggy and oppressive.
“This Van Gogh painting is incredibly compelling. Looks smeary and colorful.”
f. Speaking of letting people down, there’s a lot of people in the King family disappointed in John Edwards right now.
We thought he really had had a chance to seize the White House this year!
g. Coffeenerdness: On the advice of Braylon Edwards, I’ve recently tried Panera Bread for lunch. (What do I know? Thought it was just a bakery.) Good sandwiches. Very good dark-roast coffee, the Antiguan blend. It’s not Colgate blend, but for a chain, it’s very good.
Tune in next week when Peter discovers Cosi. He originally thought it was a Spanish furniture importer. Turns out they have flatbread. Intriguing.
