A huge KSK leitmotif from last year was sharing our anguish about the insufferable, unending homerism that spewed forth from Bill Simmons weekly during the Pats historic road to the bed in which they shit out five months worth of discharge that Belichick kept hermetically sealed in their buttholes. Exulting in the comeuppance of his wanton hubris was probably the most fun his column has been in years.
Though he’s not done being a douche (”The Pats are no fun if I don’t think they’re gonna win a title. I’d rather talk about the Red Sox and the Celtics, preferably the ‘86 vintage”) he’s at least taking a humbler tack out of the gate (despite detailing how every team that has won a title since the Pats last one in ‘04 has been the beneficiary of inordinate amounts of luck. [Tuck rule reference goes here]). Therefore, he’s knocking the Pats all the way down to conference runners-up, presumably hoping this will gin up some positive karma for his team and he won’t have to sell any more “cursed” black player jerseys on eBay. Will this modesty hold firm? Almost certainly not.
Just in case, the bounty on his hands is set at $10. Do what you must.
For better or worse, that’s our mantra for the 2007 season. After the legitimacy of the three Super Bowl titles was questioned, there was only one response: 19-0. The players keep saying they’re taking it one game at a time; I say they’re full of crap. They want to join the ‘72 Dolphins and destroy everyone along the way. Why? Because bleep everybody, that’s why. After Welker clinched the Colts game with a crucial first-down catch, he defiantly hopped up and screamed at the poor cornerback covering him, “YOU F—— SUCK!” Unquestionably, it was the defining play of the season — not just that the Patriots converted the exact same situation that killed them last January (when they could have clinched a Super Bowl trip with one more completion on third-and-short), but that Welker displayed such arrogant disdain after finishing the Colts off.
Only two years ago, I wrote that the Colts would be crazy for pursuing an undefeated season and risking injuries when the only thing that mattered was a Super Bowl title. Now? I guess I’m a hypocrite. If you asked any Patriots fan to pick between two doors that determined the rest of the season — behind Door No. 1, the team would lose once but have a 100 percent chance to win the Super Bowl, and behind Door No. 2, there would be two-in-three chance at a 19-0 season or a one-in-three chance that the team would lose in the playoffs — a surprising number of fans would roll the dice with that second door. Including me.
BY SUPERMIKE4EVER AT 10/23/07 11:24 AM
PREVIOUS SSW Taking out Tom Brady’s legs is the only way to save this season from certain Pats 19-0 domination.
NEW SSW Just sit back and try to enjoy it, it’ll hurt less.
the fact of the matter of fact is this: Brady’s NUMBERS could NEVER SUGGEST even a FRACTION of the greatness that exists in Brady’s little finger’s fingernail’s hangnail’s dust particle.
Let’s make two things perfectly fucking clear: Nobody can question that the fix was on against NE last Sunday – it was just too damn obvious. That may be troublesome to those hoping for 19-0 until they realize the only competition left for NE is, well, ummm, nobody, really.
Interesting fact that I’m sure you will appreciate, ape. Did you know that the ape is considered the smartest non humanoid on earth?
Thought you would like that, you witless moron.
19-0, baby. Eat those bananas.
It’s over, you bandwagon Massengill sluts. Let’s see you print some T-shirts for this shit. The Greatest Choke Job of ALL-TIME. Not like it matters. No one is ever going to let you forget.
Simmons’ column has been up for approximately two hours and we’ve already received a bevy of e-mails attesting to its retardery. Rest assured that we’ve read it, punched our desks a few times, scoffed indignantly at a few choice excerpts and decided we could takes no more.
For those, unlike us, who don’t have time in the middle of the day to commit an hour to read the 33,000 words that usually comprise his Friday picks column (in which this week he relegates the “picks” to a small box to the side of his rant, forgoing any additional commentary on his shitty recommendations).
Anyway, here’s the quick rundown: He blubbers on about how the Pats totally got hosed in a game they won by referees working for the RAND CORPORATION, in conjunction with the saucer people, under the supervision of the reverse vampires, to totally screw the Pats over and have the gall to call Randy Moss for pushing off, like he’s been doing all year. He compares the refs to the Nazi officials in “Victory!” Leaving aside that a lot of former Nazis probably reside in Indianapolis, this is completely ludicrous.
He does provide us this helpful, if obnoxious, tidbit:
“After the final three kneels and a delightfully icy handshake between Belichick and Dungy, I grabbed my dogs for a prolonged victory walk — still wearing my good luck Wes Welker jersey — and mulled a scenario in which the Pats finished 19-0, then picked first in the 2008 draft with the first-rounder acquired from San Francisco last spring.”
So now we know Simmons likes to take victory strolls following Patriots games. All you need to do is find the douchebag in the Welker jersey walking a labradoodle and hack off his hands. He has a new kid, so perhaps he should be around for that. And nobody watches E-60, so no harm is done there. The Welker jersey probably narrows it down a bit in L.A. but if you happen to lop off the appendages of a few innocents of a similar description, who are we to judge? He is your quarry and upon successful termination you will receive a crisp new twenty.
With which you can get:
– Copy of NBA2K8 for PS2 so you can beat the Celtics 300 times in a row – Butthash kit, deluxe edition – Three (3) 5 lb. bags of key lime mints – Wes Welker Dolphins jersey – a “Van Heflin” – Fudgie the Whale
