Int. FedEx Field

[cellphone rings]

Tony: [grimaces] You got Romo!

Pinkie: Hey brah!

Tony: Nick?

Pinkie: Nah, brah.

Tony: Matt?

Pinkie: Nah, brah!

Tony: Who is this?

Pinkie: It’s me, brah, your pinkie finger.

Tony: My pinkie finger? How the hell did you get a phone?

Pinkie: It was a gift from Jessica’s foot after I fucked the shit out of her toe wedges.

Tony: Oh come on, how can a pinkie finger have sex?

Pinkie: Hey, just because I’m a little guy doesn’t mean I’m not packin’ some serious meat down south of knuckletown. See brah, this is why I’m callin’ you. Ever since you broke my ass people have been disrespectin’ me left and right.

Tony: What do you mean, pinkie?

Pinkie: Have you seen this bullshit cast they have me wearing? It makes me look like a fucking pussy! And another thing, tell people to stop callin’ me “pinkie” brah, I spent the bye week in Cabo gettin’ my shit all tan and sexified. I demand a name that better describes my new look.

[other cellphone rings]

Tony: Hang on pinkie, I have another call.

Pinkie: Tell that bitch Kremer to keep her frigid hands off the goods and get me one of those fancy knit hats.

[Tony answers]

Tony: Go for Romo!

Jessica’s foot: Hey baby, we need to talk.

Tony: Okay, hang on.

[Tony switches phones]

Tony: Hey pinkie, I have to take this other call.

Pinkie: Can you get me on Celebrity Apprentice?

[Tony hangs up]

Tony: What’s up, Jess?

Jessica’s foot: This isn’t Jess, it’s her foot. I thought you should know that your pinkie gave me toe herpes.

[Tony hangs up]

Tony: Why do I keep answering these damn phones?

Another weekend of NFL action, and another weekend that I’ll miss it all because I’m in California. If it weren’t for all of this sunshine and designer weed I might be pretty fucking aggravated. Oh well, continue after the jump for a quick rundown of this weekend’s bets.

I was undefeated last week, so this time around I’m just going to let it all hang out. Fifty bucks on each of the following seven games. I’d provide you with some more witty analysis, but I played golf at Bighorn instead.

Atlanta Falcons -6½
Denver is fucking garbage. Shanny is a fraud no matter what Fatsis is peddling.

Miami Dolphins -10
Betting against Oakland is just reassuring at this point.

Indianapolis Colts -8
The Colts are reverting to their old form, as are the Texans.

Minnesota Vikings +4
I may not understand you gentiles, but I approve of your Purple Jesus wholeheartedly. I am in fact, a Jew for Purple Jesus.

St. Louis Rams +7
Uhhh…Steven Jackson isn’t going to bitch out again is he?

Philadelphia Eagles -9
When Philly wins they tend to win pretty big. When they lose it’s usually because Andy Reid is thinking about food. Or wondering where his children are.

Carolina Panthers -14
DAUNTE!

Note: The following commenters can eat a big fresh cocktaco.

FMRA

FozzieBear

P.S. Fuck Dallas and fuck Tony Romo’s taint tickling pinkie.

Tonight is the NFC’s low-rent answer to the Patriots and Colts. How low-rent? Half the fucking country, including this writer, can’t watch it because it’s on the NFL Network. So, thanks again, Comcast for giving me an Ice Bowl-worthy Icy Mike and raising my rates. At the very least, I’ll miss three hours of announcer fluffing for Brett Farve and Tony Romo. One foolproof way to keep up with the score for tonight’s contest is to crack a window and listen for Peter King orgasmic cries. A clue: the ones for Favre are in a slightly lower register. Anyway, Who Ya Got?

Moving on, let’s take a look at this week’s best offerings. As always, I’m a genius and you should feel compelled to do whatever I tell you. I swear I’ll start winning again one day (this is much harder than the NBA).

Arizona +3.5 at Cincinnati
Risking 30 to win 25

Oh that cute, the Bengals are giving points against a team that’s not the Ravens or the Jets. Cinci is falling apart faster than Umuofia and Chris Henry’s stabilizing influence only goes so far.

St. Louis -3 at San Francisco
Risking 27.5 to win 25

Holy crap, the Niners are fucking abysmal. The Rams aren’t all the way back but I’d take a team of crippled deaf midgets coached by a 12 year-old hepatitis ravaged whore as long as they were playing Alex Smith Trent Dilfer.

On a final note, while I am precluded from betting against my Redskins (especially during Dallas week) that does not mean you should abstain. Without Sean Taylor and Santana Moss the Redskins are walking into a slaughterhouse filled with smallpox.

…ok, I mailed this one in a bit. But I was busy seeing No Country For Old Men last night. I’ll tell you what I thought of it as soon as I read TBL’s review.

Joe Fucking Gibbs couldn’t manage a Wawa, let alone an endgame scenario in the NFL. He was botching timeouts like he was playing the role of Herm Edwards in the worst biopic since Alexander. All day Aaron Kampman was running through the Skins’ backup right tackles like they were a turnstile yet with the game on the line an injured Todd Wade was out on an island. How about leaving a fucking tight end in there to help out? That was positively Spurrierian. And how about that play call on 4th and 2?! Nothing says “I’m a spineless shell of my former self” like a calling a zero-yard swing pass to the running back when you need a first down to extend the game. Even Jesus himself is having a hard time loving Coach Gibbs this morning.

How many more second halves can the Gibbs/Saunders tandem fuck up before Washingtonians start to answer Big Daddy Drew’s prayers by booking one-way tickets to the 14th Street Bridge? One, maybe two if we’re lucky.

Yet by the end of Sunday’s late games my vitriol began to subside. You see, the only thing that can make a Redskin fan forget their team’s incompetent failure is a Dallas Cowboys loss. Call us pathetic (hey, fuck you!) but the next best thing to a Redskins victory is a painful Cowboy defeat. So call me Peter King (again, fuck you) if you must, but today I am slurping on the coiffured nuts of Tom Brady, and I’m not the only one who might be ready to label him a hero.

Yeah, it feels good to dance.

video via the Flying Sandos Mottram Brothers

Irrelevant aside: If you like Jay Z or Jews you should check out this video.