Int. FedEx Field

[cellphone rings]

Tony: [grimaces] You got Romo!

Pinkie: Hey brah!

Tony: Nick?

Pinkie: Nah, brah.

Tony: Matt?

Pinkie: Nah, brah!

Tony: Who is this?

Pinkie: It’s me, brah, your pinkie finger.

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Another weekend of NFL action, and another weekend that I’ll miss it all because I’m in California. If it weren’t for all of this sunshine and designer weed I might be pretty fucking aggravated. Oh well, continue after the jump for a quick rundown of this weekend’s bets.

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Tonight is the NFC’s low-rent answer to the Patriots and Colts. How low-rent? Half the fucking country, including this writer, can’t watch it because it’s on the NFL Network. So, thanks again, Comcast for giving me an Ice Bowl-worthy Icy Mike and raising my rates. At the very least, I’ll miss three hours of announcer fluffing for Brett Farve and Tony Romo. One foolproof way to keep up with the score for tonight’s contest is to crack a window and listen for Peter King orgasmic cries. A clue: the ones for Favre are in a slightly lower register. Anyway, Who Ya Got?

Welcome to the Week 11 edition of Always Be Covering. Last week was not good times…no, not good at all. So yeah, we’re closing in on the one week mark and I’ve built up more pressure than Javier Bardem’s cattle gun.

Moving on, let’s take a look at this week’s best offerings. As always, I’m a genius and you should feel compelled to do whatever I tell you. I swear I’ll start winning again one day (this is much harder than the NBA).

Arizona +3.5 at Cincinnati
Risking 30 to win 25

Oh that cute, the Bengals are giving points against a team that’s not the Ravens or the Jets. Cinci is falling apart faster than Umuofia and Chris Henry’s stabilizing influence only goes so far.

St. Louis -3 at San Francisco
Risking 27.5 to win 25

Holy crap, the Niners are fucking abysmal. The Rams aren’t all the way back but I’d take a team of crippled deaf midgets coached by a 12 year-old hepatitis ravaged whore as long as they were playing Alex Smith Trent Dilfer.

On a final note, while I am precluded from betting against my Redskins (especially during Dallas week) that does not mean you should abstain. Without Sean Taylor and Santana Moss the Redskins are walking into a slaughterhouse filled with smallpox.

…ok, I mailed this one in a bit. But I was busy seeing No Country For Old Men last night. I’ll tell you what I thought of it as soon as I read TBL’s review.

I can’t even begin to properly articulate how upset I was by yesterday’s Redskins game. I believe my post-game analysis went something along the lines of, “Fuckyouintheassyouoldasspieceofshitcoach!” Since then I’ve had some time to think about things, but that’s really just pissed me off a whole lot more.

Joe Fucking Gibbs couldn’t manage a Wawa, let alone an endgame scenario in the NFL. He was botching timeouts like he was playing the role of Herm Edwards in the worst biopic since Alexander. All day Aaron Kampman was running through the Skins’ backup right tackles like they were a turnstile yet with the game on the line an injured Todd Wade was out on an island. How about leaving a fucking tight end in there to help out? That was positively Spurrierian. And how about that play call on 4th and 2?! Nothing says “I’m a spineless shell of my former self” like a calling a zero-yard swing pass to the running back when you need a first down to extend the game. Even Jesus himself is having a hard time loving Coach Gibbs this morning.

How many more second halves can the Gibbs/Saunders tandem fuck up before Washingtonians start to answer Big Daddy Drew’s prayers by booking one-way tickets to the 14th Street Bridge? One, maybe two if we’re lucky.

Yet by the end of Sunday’s late games my vitriol began to subside. You see, the only thing that can make a Redskin fan forget their team’s incompetent failure is a Dallas Cowboys loss. Call us pathetic (hey, fuck you!) but the next best thing to a Redskins victory is a painful Cowboy defeat. So call me Peter King (again, fuck you) if you must, but today I am slurping on the coiffured nuts of Tom Brady, and I’m not the only one who might be ready to label him a hero.

Yeah, it feels good to dance.

video via the Flying Sandos Mottram Brothers

Irrelevant aside: If you like Jay Z or Jews you should check out this video.