ONE LAST TRICK FOR THIS BOOK WHORE. A bunch of filthy tech geek electro-hippies with their libraries in their bookPods were bugging me this week about when my book was going to be out for the Kindle. After a whole four days of delay, it is now available, so download away. Remember though, you can only throw the Kindle at someone’s face once (max twice) before it breaks. The Luddites win again! Anyway, if you want to hear me jabber on more about the book and football, I was on both Shutdown Corner’s and FanHouse’s podcast today. Also, I was on James Carville’s satellite radio show this morning, which I can’t link to, but I mention because he called the Redskins “the biggest crap organization in all of sports”. I knew there was a reason to like that guy.

WEEK OF BOOK WHORING WHORES ON. Dan Levy had me as a guest for the second time on his On the DL podcast, where we discussed the book, tackled his questionable allegiance hopping, and also touched on Favraro’s latest escapade, Vick, Shaq vs. Ben (no word on whether they made post-rape dinner plans) and assorted other topics. I also wrote a guest post for Pro Football Talk about five players off limits to haters this year (and PFT has a particularly strong contingent of haters in its readership). This also serves as your weekly reminder for the submission of sexbag questions. If you can mention how the gift of my book made your girlfriend submit to anal, all the better.

Today marks the release of my second greatest literary achievement after the fake Philip Rivers Twitter feed, the surpassingly awesome (don’t wanna oversell it) The Football Fan’s Manifesto. So now that you’ve already pre-ordered it off Amazon, you can go purchase a reserve copy in stores for the express purpose of throwing at others. It’s bound to be the most widely read manifesto since The Washington Post and The New York Times ran Ted Kaczynski’s in full (why can’t I get that kind of play?).

And let me tell you, it’s about goddamn time. Jeebus, do book deadlines suck. I finished editing this thing months ago and have had to spend the meantime sitting around praying specific jokes and references would hold up long enough not to be outdated by the time the book even hit stores. For example, there’s one part where I mock Cleveland for its 45-year title drought. Only so the Cavs could made me sweat it out for three whole rounds of the playoffs before failing miserably! Tension, I tells ya.

Invariably, whenever I tell people I have a book coming out, they ask if I’m going on a book tour. Which is silly. Because only Leitch gets book tour money (ON TOP OF RAISIN MONEY!). I do, however, have two non-alone-naked-in-front-of-the-mirror readings scheduled for next month:

After the jump is a section that, while funny, didn’t survive the second draft of the book because my editor said it was kinda sorta wholly out of place with the rest of the book. Like dick jokes need coherence! A shame, but now you can enjoy it on the site, print it out, shove it between pages, and have your own personal simian’s cut of the book.

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There, I did it. I torched a beloved Terrible Towel for your malicious delectation. After all, I’m a man of my word. Now go run out and buy The Football Fan’s Manifesto in exchange for my WRENCHING ULTIMATE SACRIFICE. Or just buy it because you think it might be a entertaining read. Either way, I’ll be doing a live chat on Deadspin starting around the noontime hour today (UPDATE: Here’s the link), as they’re running an excerpt from the book, along with a bunch of photos of me relapsing into alcohol and drugs after years of clean living through religion. After the jump, another member of the Ape clan brings shame to the family.

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The following is the winning entry in the tip contest for The Football Fan’s Manifesto (here’s an interview I did about the book for The New York Times’ Fifth Down Blog). The winner has been sent a list of my Steelers gear (crusty underwear being possibly too flammable has been left off), from which he will choose something for me to destroy and I will post the video of that on the blog closer toward the time of the release of the book, you bloodthirsty jackal bastards. Anyway, here’s the winner Thalas’ entry.

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HarperCollins asked me to come up with a video to help promote my football-themed compendium of lazy dick jokery, so I came up with an idea that would best entertain me. Then someone suggested one that might actually be fun to watch and the results are above. If the potential use of a book as a humiliating projectile translates to sales, I’m in for mega tycoon wash for weeks and weeks.

UPDATE: Now with correct spelling!

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A REARMINDER TO ASS US SEXBAG QUESTIONS. For instance, how could someone get a best and worst ass list so horribly wrong? This week’s author, Ufford, has another lady in mind and will be glad to tell you about it. So back those questions on in this-ah way.

While we’re dishing out reminders, the “Get Christmas Ape to Burn His Steelers Stuff-slash-Win Free Copies of His Book” contest is going on through the end of July. So continue sending on funny Photoshops, videos, tips, anecdotes, stories, nude picture of attractive female friends. I’ll announce the winners the first week of August. We’ve had some decent entries thus far, but I’m confident in saying the contest is still wide open (it’s like your mom in that respect).

That there is the front and back cover of my upcoming book, “The Football Fan’s Manifesto”, a clarion call to return fandom to its debauched roots that doubles as an all-encompassing guide to being a sufficiently deranged NFL fan. Drew said HarperCollins gave me the Clive Cussler treatment, but I’d argue that they went as far as to break out the Transformers font for me. Either way, I think it looks pretty badass.

As we did with Men With Balls, we’re holding a tip contest for our readers to win copies of the book. Winning entries can be scoops, funny Photoshops, hilarious user created videos, amusing anecdotes of your experience rooting for your team or going to the game, really anything we arbitrarily deem to be worthwhile. Two runners-up will receive a free copy of the book. The winner, of course, will also win a free copy. Plus a special grand prize.

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