Many people scoff at the idea that God can control the outcome of sporting events, or that He even cares. But those people are wrong. God does control the games, AND He cares a great deal. Today, He explains why He let the outcomes of Week 8 in the NFL happen as they did.

Ladies and gentlemen of the internet, I regret to inform you that God could not be with us this week. Actually that’s not correct. Of course He could be with us, I mean, He is God after all. I guess it would be more accurate to say God had better shit to do this week. Mostly he’s just been masturbating. Yep, that’s right, God masturbates. He masturbates just like you do, only he’s way better at it than you could ever imagine. You know how God’s voice makes your head explode? Well if you saw God stroking it your balls would melt and run down your leg forming a puddle at your feet. But I digress.

Joining us in His stead this week is none other than His Son of Sons, Jesus “Hominum Salvator” Christ!

Hello my children. It is I, Jesus of Nazareth here to explain the mysteries of the eighth week of this NFL season, and lo, what a week it was.

-While I, like my father, am supposed to love all my children, I, like everyone else, finds it nearly impossible to love the Patriots. I once asked Bill Belichick, “What shall it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his soul?” He responded by pulling out a copy of his contract. Apparently by finishing last season with a perfect 16-0 record he hit a contract escalator that includes the use of three virginal souls to do with as he pleases. They got back to their winning ways this week, because sometimes evil wins a round over good. Especially when good’s best player is held out with a tender groin.

-The lowly Bengals of Cincinnati were throttled by the Texans of Houston because they must be punished for hiding the true light. You see, I’m no Bengal fan, and I too grow tired of Chad Johnson’s constant yapping, but when he’s playing well he’s more entertaining than Mary Magdalene after a jug of wine. You had a great thing going there Marvin Lewis, but you had to go and shit all over it, didn’t you? Remember, no one lights a lamp and puts it in a place where it will be hidden, or under a bowl. Instead he puts it on its stand, so that those who come in may see the light. So let that be a message to you, and let Ocho Cinco shine through the art of dance.

-Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. Oh, except for you Detroit. You’re a fucking abomination and I will see to it that all doors are slammed in your worthless fat face. You know my dad was drunk when He made you. Also, you were adopted. Sorry, but it’s true.

-The Buccaneers of Tampa Bay were unable to overcome the Cowboys of Dallas because I felt they deserved such a punishment. It is written again, thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God. Especially not with such hot pieces of ass. Dad’s been spilling enough of his seed without your temptresses of evil urging him forth. Besides, I’m already dating the blonde with the kickin’ body, and I don’t need Dad ogling my woman.

Thanks, Jesus!

Former Lions receiver Roy Williams decided to have a little fun at the Lions’ Mike Furrey Annual Charity Halloween Party to Benefit White Receivers by going as the luggage-thieving former Detroit running back Tatum Bell, complete with Rudi Johnson stolen drawers and a bell hop uniform. Though I hear Dan Orlovsky had trouble getting in ’cause his costume was over the line. ZING! How does he do it, folks?

Or maybe we could be mistaken in that it could be a riff on Buzz the Bellman from the Hudsucker Proxy.

“Say, buddy, who’s the most liquid businessman on the street? Jerry Jones!”