Many people scoff at the idea that God can control the outcome of sporting events, or that He even cares. But those people are wrong. God does control the games, AND He cares a great deal. Today, He explains why He let the outcomes of Week 8 in the NFL happen as they did.

Ladies and gentlemen of the internet, I regret to inform you that God could not be with us this week. Actually that’s not correct. Of course He could be with us, I mean, He is God after all. I guess it would be more accurate to say God had better shit to do this week. Mostly he’s just been masturbating. Yep, that’s right, God masturbates. He masturbates just like you do, only he’s way better at it than you could ever imagine. You know how God’s voice makes your head explode? Well if you saw God stroking it your balls would melt and run down your leg forming a puddle at your feet. But I digress.

Joining us in His stead this week is none other than His Son of Sons, Jesus “Hominum Salvator” Christ!

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Former Lions receiver Roy Williams decided to have a little fun at the Lions’ Mike Furrey Annual Charity Halloween Party to Benefit White Receivers by going as the luggage-thieving former Detroit running back Tatum Bell, complete with Rudi Johnson stolen drawers and a bell hop uniform. Though I hear Dan Orlovsky had trouble getting in ’cause his costume was over the line. ZING! How does he do it, folks?

Or maybe we could be mistaken in that it could be a riff on Buzz the Bellman from the Hudsucker Proxy.

“Say, buddy, who’s the most liquid businessman on the street? Jerry Jones!”