Seriously.

Stated:

When I was falling in love with football in the mid-’70s, my beloved Patriots played in the AFC East. There were 28 teams and six divisions by 1976, which meant one division in each league had just four teams instead of five. Teams earned a playoff spot by winning their division or grabbing the one wild-card slot, which eliminated the ’77 Pats: they finished 9-5, one game behind division rivals Miami and Baltimore. Meanwhile, the AFC Central shook out like this:

I remember bristling at the standings. Wait a second. We finished 9-5 and the Steelers finished 9-5. We were in a more difficult division with more teams. But THEY made the playoffs???

Annnndddddd debunked. Flubby says:

“Looked at the record book, that was still when only one wild card team got in per conference. So Miami at 10-4 had a better record than the Patriots in the same division and they didn’t get in either. Simmons’ argument is a dick.

You might also mention that that the AFC East included 3-11 Buffalo and 3-11 Jets. Not a tougher division.”

Listen, I know some of you out there get tired of us ragging on Simmons. But you fail to understand that GOD DAMMIT WHY CAN’T HE JUST SPEND ONE WEEK NOT BEING AN INSUFFERABLE KNOWITALL COCKVULTURE WHO PRETENDS TO KNOW MORE THAN EVERYONE ELSE AND FOR SOME REASON FINDS THIS FUNNY WHEN IT ISN’T AND GAHHHHHHH HATEHATEHATEHATEHATE.

Kurt Warner’s new TV career led to the funniest subplot of the 2010 season, when Cardinals fans subjected themselves to “Dancing With the Stars” and prayed that Warner would be the worst star — that way, he’d get voted off first and might get talked into a comeback — only Margaret Cho, David Hasselhoff and The Situation were significantly more inept, leading to an unexpected scenario in which red-blooded football fans were complaining about things like: “I can’t believe Margaret Cho wore that outfit, it killed her!”

This never occurred. DIE.

Oh my Lord. Oh my goodness. I’m being conducted into the Hall of Fame this weekend! In Canteen, Ohio! I can’t believe it. WHAT AN HOUR. It is an hour and an absolute pilgrimage to join the Hall of Fame. When I think about all the great NFL players that have been immobilized in that Hall, I get shitters down my spine! I really do. I GET GOOSECUNTS!

After all, I’m joining some fairly extremed company in the Hall. Larry Sanders! Jim Black! Manning Payton! You talk about someone who could masturbate the ball down the feel! When I look at the Hall of Fame, I don’t just see football players. I see legends. I see trainblazers! I see pie engineers! You talk about an illustrated group of men! These men were the building cocks of our entire sport. I’m bumbled. I really am. For the first time in many, many years, I find myself truly bumbled. I’M AT A LOSS FOR NERDS!

I feel like everything in my life has been leading up to this moment. This is the ibex of my career! I wonder what I’m gonna say up on that palladium. I have no idea what I’m gonna say. Can you believe that?! Emmitt Smiff: TONGUE TIRED! Bet you’d never see the day, right?

I guess I’ll just be sure to give all praise to God. God and my momma. When I was a little boy growing up in Pepsicola, Florida, my momma always said, “Emmitt, if you put your nuts to the grindhouse, you can accompany ANYTHING.” Words to live by. And I have, momma. I put my nuts to that grindhouse every day. I never sport-changed myself. I never rested on my morals. I TOOK HER WORDS TO FART!

And now, here I am. Emmitt Smiff: Pro Football Hall of Famer. What a moment. I’m gonna shaver this moment. I’m gonna shaver every last SECOND. The roar of the crowd. The warm summer atlasphere. Donging that yellow blazer. You can bet I’ll shaver donging that blazer! I will dong it with PRIDE. And then I will say to America, “Thank you, America. Thank you for supporting Emmitt Smiff on this long and winding jerky.” That’s what I’ll say.

(cries)

Update: Here is the shocking video of the incident from the club’s security camera. NYUK, NYUK, NYUK!

Flubby found this awesome image, but was too busy trying to get his financial planner on the phone to post it himself. I really don’t have anything to add, but if you were to flip this wheel over, every slot would earn you a free spin. 

Image from here, and one more after the jump.

He has been known to enjoy ham and cheese on white bread with miracle whip alongside a tall glass of warm milk.

He began puberty at the age of ten, but he didn’t finish until he was twenty-six.

His imaginary friend has a Masters degree in applied mathematics and suffers from social anxiety disorder.

He is from New Orleans, but his personality screams “Mississippi!”

He doesn’t just pose for the cover of Men’s Vogue, he is Men’s Vogue.

On his honeymoon he mastered Sudoku for Kids.

He is the inspiration behind the Banana Guard.

He is the least interesting man in the world…

I don’t always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis.

/sips from sippy cup

Stay thirsty, my friends.

“Ever since I’ve rededicated my life to Christ I’ve caught way more persecution now,” he said. “But it’s a beautiful thing because I know it’s a breakthrough coming for me. I welcome it. What makes me any better than Christ? He was persecuted and I’ve been persecuted. My teammates know where my heart is. They know where my mind is at.”

It’s good to see Roy finding his inner-messiah. Hopefully he’ll continue to horse collar all of the non-believers into submission.

Bad MS Paint by Flubby

The Oklahoman via FanHouse

This clip is 5 seconds long. I dare you not to watch it 40 times in a row.

Credit to flubby, who always finds the best shit.