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Welcome to the Friday Five, our unimaginitively-named Friday afternoon post where we provide you with five things the KSK staff is looking forward to this coming weekend. It was a tough week of empty balloon watching and SkiFree reminiscing, but we made it through intact. And these next two days are our reward. Why, there are actually good games this weekend. A showdown of unbeaten teams! A face-off between the faggy purple-clad franchises! Stacy Andrews-Tom Cable punching spree! And so much more!

This week, what we’re looking looking forward to most is…

1. The grisly death of Trent Edwards

The Bills are likely to be starting three rookie linemen Sunday against Rex Ryan’s blitz-crazed Pussytubers, who are already pissed about getting pushed around by the Dolphins. So I hope you haven’t gotten very attached to Trent Edwards (surely someone has) because he’s about to fulfill the Carson Palmer Prophecy of a dead NFL player.

2. Browns fan buffoonery!

The Steelers take aim at a 12th straight victory against the Browns. While the game is in Pittsburgh, scenes of Cleveland fan carnage, as presented below, won’t be as much in evidence. But you know by Mistake by the Lake-side, no Port-O-Pottie roof can go unoccupied. The man in the Tom Tupa jersey forbids it!

3. Unauthorized Sexy Friday Redux.

Without so much as getting the express written consent of either WithLeather overload/clown drinking companion Punte or any of the other members of Kkake Incorporated, WL fill-in Weed Against Speed has taken it upon himself to resurrect Sexy Friday JUST THIS ONCE. What a clever little upstart you are, Weed. Expect a sternly worded letter, sir. Written on your chest with a knife. Meanwhile those upstanding corporate NBC folk have a gallery of cheerleaders in Halloween costumes.

4. Keeping a wide berth from those Riverdale punks

Look at ‘em, cavorting around like that. That ain’t right.

5. Eli Covering His Eyes Through Half of Where the Wild Things Are

“These aren’t the friendly monsters I thought they’d be! Nobody told me this thing was supposta give me the creepers! Let’s go see this Paranormal Activity movie instead.”

Hey, this is Eli “Ben 10: Alien Force’s biggest fan!” Manning. Looking for a flippin’ sweet place to have your kid once you do whatever it is that causes babies to become real? Well, me and MY NUMBER ONE MAIN SQUEEZE Abby have decided to open our very own birthing center. Abby said one day we might have to play Mommy and Daddy together for real, so what better way to put in a good word with Mr. Stork than opening a birthing center/Chuck E. Cheese franchise right here in New York?

So why should you come to us instead of having the kid in your bathtub? I mean, doyyyyy. It’s so obvious. Check it out.

We’re jam packed with football lollies! Now with awesome creamsicle flavor!