This is a child. It’s not my child, but for our demonstration, this child will do. Few non-parents know this, but children are actually Jedi. It’s true. Allow me to illustrate their technique. Let’s say a child wants a cookie. Here is how they will go about procuring it.

Child: Dad, can I have a cookie?

You: No.

Child: I can have a cookie.

You: No. I just said you can’t.

Child: Yes, I can.

You: No you can’t.

Child: I can have a cookie, because I was good today! (looks at doll) Dolly, can I have a cookie? She says, “Of course you can have cookie!”

You: Eat your berries, and then you can have a cookie.

Child: Umm… no thank you. I don’t need to eat my berries.

You: No, I just said you DO have to eat them.

Child: We don’t have to eat our berries.

You: Yes, you do.

Child: Dad, is it almost time to have a cookie?

You: You’re not listening.

(child pulls chair up to counter, attempts to get cookie)

Child: We can have just one bite.

You: (puts cookies further out of reach) No. Not until you eat your berries.

Child: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

(falls to floor, convulses, howls, violently kicks the air)

Child: I DON’T LIKE BERRIES! I WANT A COOKIE!!!

You: Calm down. Just calm down. Just… take one bite of the berries. Just one bite. Then you can have it.

Child: NO!

You: Will you just eat one goddamn bite of it, so I don’t feel like the most impotent parent on earth?

Child: NO! I DON’T LIKE IT!

You: Fine. Fuck it.

Child: (instantly changes demeanor) Dad, is it time to have a cookie?

You: Yeah, here. Have seven of them. Just stop being so fucking annoying.

Child: (does little dance)

And that’s six hours of my day every day. Lousy mind tricks. It’s a wonder the kid doesn’t shoot me with handlightning for hours on end.

Hey, it’s time for the Meast of the Week! It’s Darrelle Revis of the Jets! The lockdown corner who took Randy Moss completely out of the game as the Jets pulled off the upset over the Pats. Someone’s going pussy tubing this weekend…

Someone already did!

And your Least of the Week? Oh, Jeff Reed…

Cry! Cry away, you little douche!