When we last left the Omni Berkshire’s BFF, Peter King, he was demanding more pumpkin in his beer (in accordance with German pumpkin beer purity laws), carefully maintaining football’s Axis of Normalcy, and issuing a stern warning to Red Sox management about drinking on the job. Meanwhile, PETER WOULD YOU TO KNOW ABOUT ALL THE TASTY BEERS HE HAD WITH BILL PARCELLS LAST WEEK.

So what about this week? Will Ben Cherington heed Peter’s dire warnings? Will Adam Sandler cotton to any of Peter’s movie ideas for him (“CHIMP ON A TRAIN”)? And is there any way we could encase Pittsburgh Phil in cement and seal all his major orifices? READ ON.

Read the rest of this entry »

When we last left pickled testicle-eater Peter King, he was giving you the UNVARNISHED truth that he isn’t quite sure who the second-best team in the NFL is. Maybe the Niners. MAYBE. Also, with the Colts at 0-9, I thought it would be a good time to bring up this little King nugget from September:

Is there any way the Colts could be bad enough to be in the Andrew Luck derby on draft day? Very unlikely…

But if the Colts finish 2-14 (and that has a snowball’s chance in Phoenix of happening)…

I enjoy hindsight because it allows me to make fun of stupid people.

So what about this week? Who else shares Tom Dimitroff’s backbone? Will Peter taste Tecate again for the first time? READ ON.

Read the rest of this entry »

When we last left Luke Tasker’s semi-godfather, Peter King, he was praising Mike Brown for having the GUTS to not trade up for Andy Dalton in April’s draft. GOOD ON YOU, MIKE BROWN. You had the fortitude to save money and pray that a gifted young passer fell into your lap, and then had to be talked out of drafting Ryan Mallett because you actually didn’t want the very good player you ended up drafting. Someone get that man an Executive of the Year Award, which is I assume is named after Tom Dimitroff.

So what about this week? Are Cards fans not the bravest people on Earth for surviving 47-degree weather to watch an entire baseball game? I know I can’t tolerate a baseball game that long even at room temperature! I wonder if Swannville has that kind of weather. Is it Tiki Time in Tampa? It ought to be. Don’t you see how it all fits alliteratively? Selfishly, I hope you do. READ ON.

Read the rest of this entry »

When we last Continally Almost Done It Bowl chairman Peter King, he was pining for the days when coaches wore suits and were far less confrontational. You know, like when Woody Hayes coached. He was also strolling the Meadowlands (who does that? It’s like voluntarily hanging out at Penn Station), talking to his coffee, and chasing all the best wildfire stories of the day. WILDFIRE STORIES HAVE HEAT.

So what about this week? Who’s the most underappreciated famous NFL player this week? Will Steve Serby tweet yet another gem of a pun? (“Rex Ryan, say hello to Plax flyin!!!”) In the words of teens everywhere, READ ON.

Read the rest of this entry »

When we last left part Jerry from “Parks & Recreation,” part circus tent Peter King, he was fondly recalling his time at the Starbucks at Madison and 51st in Seattle, a location that Seattle readers tell us doesn’t actually exist. Ah, but it does! Like Platform 9 3/4 at King’s Cross Station, the secret Starbucks at Madison and 51st is only visible to COFFEE WIZARDS. So what about this week? Will Peter survive his move to New York City? Surely, that can’t be anywhere near as walkable a city as his beloved Boston! READ ON.

Read the rest of this entry »

When we last left slight anointer Peter King, he was polishing his quarter-pole and telling you about how great it is to watch Wisconsin football games live in person… from your Manhattan hotel suite. He was also lamenting the dearth of Tom Brady games played in the Bay Area (WEIRD!), and telling you everything you need to know about the sort of reality fiction about the real world of pro football. Call it 45.9% real.

So what about this week? Does that “Pan Am” show still look good? Will Albert Pujols have a future place at the Red Sox history table of historicalness? And isn’t this such a busy time for death?! READ ON. Fun with Peter King is apropos of nothing, apropos of everything, AND apropos of butterscotch.

Read the rest of this entry »

When we last left glorified Yankee Stadium latte Yelp reviewer Peter King, he was telling you that the Browns were “the kind of team that can grow into something,” that something apparently being a horrible team that gets housed at home by the Titans. He also didn’t know who the Eagles were right now, was considering using Pandora as his music service (Nard Dog’s Greatest Hits coming up!), and telling you about Curt Schilling’s pet ferret. Useful stuff.

So what about this week? Is Trent Cole still underappreciated even when he’s not underappreciated? Will sophisticated UConn beat writers manage to survive trips to Ball State? And where can a man get some good foam up in this bitch? READ ON.

Read the rest of this entry »

When we last left Keurig French Roast spokesman Peter King, he was busy acting as Lucky Pierre in a hot threesome with Bob McGinn and Pete Abraham, offering no pithy conclusions for anything, and taking literary license (almost) with Mike Kafka. So what about this week? Surely, the Bills’ fabulous win over New England cause Peter to give them extra loft in his power rankings, no? NO?! READ ON.

Read the rest of this entry »

When we last left wise Chinese quasi-philosopher Peter King, he was being underappreciated – and justifiably so – for not using the word “unappreciated” correctly. He also said the Falcons would fix their protection issues (Matt Ryan was sacked four times last night), telling you about the magical coffee town that is Appleton, Wisconsin (walk down the street and have a latte at seven different places, including Pup O’ Joe, the coffee shop FOR DOGS), and telling you about the shortest flight he ever took. How short was it? Shorter than Peter’s porky fingers!

So what about this week? Will Alterra ever get the licorice out of their coffee? How, really, do you spell PSHAW? What are Jon Bon Jovi’s thoughts on the Holocaust? AND WILL THE CHIEFS SIGN TIKI BARBER BECAUSE THEY SHOULD. READ ON. Tony Sparano’s hot seat is nearly as warm as a Hertz rental car in Phoenix. MAYBE.

Read the rest of this entry »

When we last left thing happener Peter King, he was telling you that Cam Newton looked poised and confident despite his underwhelming preseason stats, predicting good fantasy numbers for Tim Hightower, and warning you that the Bills’ offense was not to be taken lightly. Wait a second. HE WAS RIGHT ABOUT ALL THOSE THINGS! My God! What now? I am not MENTALLY READY for a world in which Peter King’s football insights have true loft! Drew B. Discombobulated! QUICK! Tell me he said something wrong last week or else the entire world of Fun With Peter King will collapse upon itself and Starbucks franchises will begin popping up in every depressed urban area!

This won’t be a mail-it-in Houston win if (Kerry) Collins has to go.

WHEW! Oh, thank God for that. For a minute there, I almost thought we’d jave to abandon Peter and go piss all over Simmons for pretending he’s Ace goddamn Rothstein every week. But no! We stay with Peter for now. MAYBE. So what about this week? What other Ivy League players does Peter adore? Did Peter help get Tiki a job working with Bubbles at a Baltimore soup kitchen? Will we EVER fix the Amtrak business model by making sure the coffee is up to snuff? READ ON.

Read the rest of this entry »