When we last left Keurig French Roast spokesman Peter King, he was busy acting as Lucky Pierre in a hot threesome with Bob McGinn and Pete Abraham, offering no pithy conclusions for anything, and taking literary license (almost) with Mike Kafka. So what about this week? Surely, the Bills’ fabulous win over New England cause Peter to give them extra loft in his power rankings, no? NO?! READ ON.
When we last left wise Chinese quasi-philosopher Peter King, he was being underappreciated – and justifiably so – for not using the word “unappreciated” correctly. He also said the Falcons would fix their protection issues (Matt Ryan was sacked four times last night), telling you about the magical coffee town that is Appleton, Wisconsin (walk down the street and have a latte at seven different places, including Pup O’ Joe, the coffee shop FOR DOGS), and telling you about the shortest flight he ever took. How short was it? Shorter than Peter’s porky fingers!
So what about this week? Will Alterra ever get the licorice out of their coffee? How, really, do you spell PSHAW? What are Jon Bon Jovi’s thoughts on the Holocaust? AND WILL THE CHIEFS SIGN TIKI BARBER BECAUSE THEY SHOULD. READ ON. Tony Sparano’s hot seat is nearly as warm as a Hertz rental car in Phoenix. MAYBE.
When we last left thing happener Peter King, he was telling you that Cam Newton looked poised and confident despite his underwhelming preseason stats, predicting good fantasy numbers for Tim Hightower, and warning you that the Bills’ offense was not to be taken lightly. Wait a second. HE WAS RIGHT ABOUT ALL THOSE THINGS! My God! What now? I am not MENTALLY READY for a world in which Peter King’s football insights have true loft! Drew B. Discombobulated! QUICK! Tell me he said something wrong last week or else the entire world of Fun With Peter King will collapse upon itself and Starbucks franchises will begin popping up in every depressed urban area!
This won’t be a mail-it-in Houston win if (Kerry) Collins has to go.
WHEW! Oh, thank God for that. For a minute there, I almost thought we’d jave to abandon Peter and go piss all over Simmons for pretending he’s Ace goddamn Rothstein every week. But no! We stay with Peter for now. MAYBE. So what about this week? What other Ivy League players does Peter adore? Did Peter help get Tiki a job working with Bubbles at a Baltimore soup kitchen? Will we EVER fix the Amtrak business model by making sure the coffee is up to snuff? READ ON.
When we last left mental quicksand sampler Peter King, he was marveling at the humanness of Virgin America airlines, reciting to you everything he read in the New York Post (just like Klaus in “Top Secret!”), and telling you about just how hot in Phoenix it was when he visited. How hot, you ask? Well, try and guess what the number 121 means. Go on. I DARE YOU. That was the temperature in Peter’s car! It’s true! SORT OF.
So what about this week? Did the firm hand of Mike Munchak cause Peter to experience heretofore unknown sexual pleasures? And how ironic is it that the 49ers have a head coach from Stanford AND a starting QB from Utah? You CANNOT make that kind of thing up. GO AHEAD AND READ ON. To read Fun With Peter King is to be a mouse in a maze…
When we last left Greek God of Kit Kats Peter King, he was busy being dazzled by players watching ESPN in the locker room, counting every strike against Jonathan Baldwin (only six more to go before you’re out at the old ball game, Jon!), and desperately trying to find a landing spot for his best bud Tiki Barber. Are you telling me that NO NFL team could use a washed up team cancer on their roster? But Tiki is so well spoken! It boggles the mind.
So what about this week? What jokes did Peter read on razzball.com that he must share with you? Will he find the perfect citrusy brew? How many more wins will the Titans amass thanks to Mike Munchak’s NO HATS rule? READ ON. Drive 15 minutes. Welcome to FWPK.
Before we get to this week’s dispatch from A+ Pleasantness student Peter King, a quick update. You may remember that, last week, Peter disclosed the wireless network password for the Bears training camp facility. An anonymous reader emailed us after it happened with this handy Bear nugget:
Was at Bears camp for work the other day and wireless password wasn’t working. Bears had to change it after King published it in MMQB. He flooded the system. The pr guy was shaking his head. They said the system was really slow after it.
And it will be even slower after Peter reveals the password AGAIN this week. The new password? You guessed it… MoreFunkhauser69. READ ON.
When we last left Rolo McFlurry, he was advising you to take Tim Hightower in the third round of your fantasy draft (oh, does your league not award 5 points per fumble?), lamenting the dreariness of Tim Horton’s coffee, and taking you on a tour of lovely Pittsford, New York. PITTSFORD: LIVING HERE IS KIND OF LIKE BEING DEAD.
So what about this week? Does the addition of Brad Smith mean the Bills will now win 14 games, or 15 games? Will the Hall of Fame writer’s winner EVER be allowed to sit in the town parade? Think we shouldn’t do anything about gun violence in this country? I BET YOU LIKE GUN VIOLENCE, DON’T YOU? READ ON. There’s mental quicksand to be had here.
When we last left Ben Dogra’s spokespuppy Peter King, he was lamenting the quality of the coffee served by Citgo at 10PM in the middle of South Carolina. WHICH IS A WORSE TRAGEDY THAN WHAT HAPPENED IN NORWAY. He also had his weekly beer with citrus in it. If anyone ever put a slice of meyer lemon in this man’s lambic, he’s ejaculate nonstop for a week. He also had trouble typing his column on the bumpy interstates of America. Stupid urban planners. Can’t you see this man is on deadline and has to type musings about coffee while riding in an impossibly luxurious big rig furnished by a charity with bad priorities? INFRASTRUCTURE, AMERICA. YOU NEED IT.
So what about this week? Is intrigue happening? What other websites does Tom Dimitroff read? Did Peter ever find a good t-shirt, which was the entire purpose of him visiting every NFL training camp? READ ON. Memo to Starbucks: Peter is coming, and he expects the joint to be free of Germans when he arrives.
When we last left Nazi coffee enthusiast, Peter King, he was coming back from vacation FOR A MONTH and telling you about all the cool stuff he learned. Did you know Adolf Hitler was born in Austria? And that he wore riding boots? And that he murdered over six million Jews? WEIRD.
So what about this week? Will Peter do more traveloguing? Did he find any more precious Yogi nuggets, presumably that Yogi left behind in the Rao’s restroom? Is Fenway Park still Peter’s top ranked baseball stadium, provided he gets excellent seats and is treated like a pube-headed GOD? READ ON. This week’s edition is tasty, flaky, fresh!
When we last left Tiki Barber’s personal carrier pigeon, Peter King, he was going on vacation for FOUR weeks. And I was going to emphasize the disparity between King taking four weeks off and someone like Albert Breer standing outside in the middle of an East Coast Radiation Deathwave waiting for labor news, but thankfully Peter went ahead and did that in the column you’re about to endure. I missed Peter while he was gone. SORT OF. When you read through any number of egocentric Bill Simmons columns, Peter’s complete obliviousness becomes all the more endearing.
So what about this week? Did Peter have a GREAT vacation, as we all hoped he would? Oh, people. Oh, did he ever. He had a cup of coffee that you would gas a frightened Polish child to experience yourself. Dare you doubt it? READ ON…
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