Contagious. When we last left Tebowville Chamber of Commerce Chairblob Peter King, he was declaring Tim Tebow’s story the greatest story ever told. Better than the story of that lady who brought her cello on the airplane? YES. Better than that time Don Banks took Pete to Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville restaurant and DIDN’T order a margarita? YES. Better than the story of Hiroshima? YES. All those stories have far too much assembly-line-ness. TEBOW IS THE REAL SHIZZ.

So what about this week? Don’t you think it’s WEIRD that Chris Johnson’s self is its old Johnson self again? And isn’t it EERIE that we Americans all go through Italian Roast withdrawal every Week 13? Is it not BIZARRE that the Army/Navy game have never once been played in Wichita? And don’t you find it MEGA-WEIRDPELLING that America is lacking in walkable cities? READ ON. This column may seem painful and agonizing, because IT IS.

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Now this is weird. Really weird. When we last left the journalistic rest stop that is Peter King, he was declaring that he had outgrown the egg nog latte at Starbucks. And I’m afraid that Peter meant that literally. He is now too large to waddle into a Starbucks and ask for an egg nog latte with triple foamed yolks. A real pity. He also took time out last night to shoot down HIS OWN speculation that Brett Favre could join the Texans. Could the Texans reach out to Favre despite clearly having no interest? SORT OF.

So what about this week? What curly-headed nuggets will we get from Boston Globe maestro Dan Shaughnessy? Is Jay Cutler still the NFL’s Greta Garbo? Don’t you think Harpoon Winter Warmer would be better if it had even MORE cloves in it? Is Norv Turner the Court Jester of Tiebreakerland? READ ON. The rest, sort of, will be history.

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When we last left Peter King, who is to sportswriting what John Lackey is to baseball free agency (?), he was fawning over the Niners travel schedule (travelnerdness!), choking on his Pop Tarts, defining “workhorse,” and worrying about the NHL’s habit of geographic clustering. Also, to be fair to Peter, I must point out that I went to great lengths last week to mock his gushing (gashing?) praise for Tim Tebow, which led to me blurt out:

The Jets will beat (the Broncos) by 30 this week.

Ah, yes. Funny thing: When you have two functionally useless players such as Shonn Greene and Mark Sanchez, it’s unwise to predict such things. Needless to say, I led the league in frowns that evening.

So what about this week? How can you NOT love what the Broncos are doing, unless you really hate the Broncos and their Jesus freak QB? Will Peter see something else that can only happen only in New York, like mongoloid Steelers fans singing a mongoloid Steelers fight song? And wasn’t it just a few months ago that we all fawned over Leo DiCaprio in “This Boy’s Life”? Now he’s a MOVIE STAR? Crazy. READ ON.

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When we last left the Omni Berkshire’s BFF, Peter King, he was demanding more pumpkin in his beer (in accordance with German pumpkin beer purity laws), carefully maintaining football’s Axis of Normalcy, and issuing a stern warning to Red Sox management about drinking on the job. Meanwhile, PETER WOULD YOU TO KNOW ABOUT ALL THE TASTY BEERS HE HAD WITH BILL PARCELLS LAST WEEK.

So what about this week? Will Ben Cherington heed Peter’s dire warnings? Will Adam Sandler cotton to any of Peter’s movie ideas for him (“CHIMP ON A TRAIN”)? And is there any way we could encase Pittsburgh Phil in cement and seal all his major orifices? READ ON.

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When we last left pickled testicle-eater Peter King, he was giving you the UNVARNISHED truth that he isn’t quite sure who the second-best team in the NFL is. Maybe the Niners. MAYBE. Also, with the Colts at 0-9, I thought it would be a good time to bring up this little King nugget from September:

Is there any way the Colts could be bad enough to be in the Andrew Luck derby on draft day? Very unlikely…

But if the Colts finish 2-14 (and that has a snowball’s chance in Phoenix of happening)…

I enjoy hindsight because it allows me to make fun of stupid people.

So what about this week? Who else shares Tom Dimitroff’s backbone? Will Peter taste Tecate again for the first time? READ ON.

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When we last left Luke Tasker’s semi-godfather, Peter King, he was praising Mike Brown for having the GUTS to not trade up for Andy Dalton in April’s draft. GOOD ON YOU, MIKE BROWN. You had the fortitude to save money and pray that a gifted young passer fell into your lap, and then had to be talked out of drafting Ryan Mallett because you actually didn’t want the very good player you ended up drafting. Someone get that man an Executive of the Year Award, which is I assume is named after Tom Dimitroff.

So what about this week? Are Cards fans not the bravest people on Earth for surviving 47-degree weather to watch an entire baseball game? I know I can’t tolerate a baseball game that long even at room temperature! I wonder if Swannville has that kind of weather. Is it Tiki Time in Tampa? It ought to be. Don’t you see how it all fits alliteratively? Selfishly, I hope you do. READ ON.

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When we last Continally Almost Done It Bowl chairman Peter King, he was pining for the days when coaches wore suits and were far less confrontational. You know, like when Woody Hayes coached. He was also strolling the Meadowlands (who does that? It’s like voluntarily hanging out at Penn Station), talking to his coffee, and chasing all the best wildfire stories of the day. WILDFIRE STORIES HAVE HEAT.

So what about this week? Who’s the most underappreciated famous NFL player this week? Will Steve Serby tweet yet another gem of a pun? (“Rex Ryan, say hello to Plax flyin!!!”) In the words of teens everywhere, READ ON.

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When we last left part Jerry from “Parks & Recreation,” part circus tent Peter King, he was fondly recalling his time at the Starbucks at Madison and 51st in Seattle, a location that Seattle readers tell us doesn’t actually exist. Ah, but it does! Like Platform 9 3/4 at King’s Cross Station, the secret Starbucks at Madison and 51st is only visible to COFFEE WIZARDS. So what about this week? Will Peter survive his move to New York City? Surely, that can’t be anywhere near as walkable a city as his beloved Boston! READ ON.

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When we last left slight anointer Peter King, he was polishing his quarter-pole and telling you about how great it is to watch Wisconsin football games live in person… from your Manhattan hotel suite. He was also lamenting the dearth of Tom Brady games played in the Bay Area (WEIRD!), and telling you everything you need to know about the sort of reality fiction about the real world of pro football. Call it 45.9% real.

So what about this week? Does that “Pan Am” show still look good? Will Albert Pujols have a future place at the Red Sox history table of historicalness? And isn’t this such a busy time for death?! READ ON. Fun with Peter King is apropos of nothing, apropos of everything, AND apropos of butterscotch.

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When we last left glorified Yankee Stadium latte Yelp reviewer Peter King, he was telling you that the Browns were “the kind of team that can grow into something,” that something apparently being a horrible team that gets housed at home by the Titans. He also didn’t know who the Eagles were right now, was considering using Pandora as his music service (Nard Dog’s Greatest Hits coming up!), and telling you about Curt Schilling’s pet ferret. Useful stuff.

So what about this week? Is Trent Cole still underappreciated even when he’s not underappreciated? Will sophisticated UConn beat writers manage to survive trips to Ball State? And where can a man get some good foam up in this bitch? READ ON.

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