With Drew having left for the airport to see his Vikings play the Packers (and then subsequently realizing that his flight was booked EIGHT DAYS LATER), the weekly ritual of mocking the NFL’s noted sports and travel writer falls on someone else’s shoulders this week. Hopefully you’ll still enjoy the same dick joke taste. And personally, I don’t know what the dealio is with SI.com, but now it seems that I can’t copy excerpts from that site from Google Chrome into our Wordpress editor. BRING BACK MY COPY AND PASTE SO I CAN RIDICULE YOU IN A LESS TIME-CONSUMING MANNER, KING! HOLD STILL WHILE I BEAT YOU DOWN, YOU FAT BEANTOWN BITCH! (more…)

When we last left North American Man-Boy-Coffee Lover Peter King, he was putting chips (mmmm… kettle chips) on people’s shoulders, praising the clutch harpiness of Kathy Holmgren, and marveling at all the young people who play professional football.

What’s in store for us this week? Is Drew Brees still underappreciated even though he clearly isn’t? Is Austin Collie Anthony Gonzalez Jr.? Will there be lists? And how does Derek Jeter factor into all of this? Join me (along with Christmas Ape, in a surprise appearance as Mr. Marmalard) below, for the answers you seek!

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When we last left kettle-chip engulfing landmass Peter King, he was praising Michael Jordan for giving the worst Hall of Fame induction speech in history, AND he once again found a way to work Derek Jeter’s name into a football column. What about this week? Will Peter teach Dr. Z to tweet using only his tongue? Will he again experience the soothing luxury of an AirTran flight? HAVE THE KIT KATS MAINTAINED THEIR INTEGRITY? Will he suggest the Browns draft Tim Tebow #1 overall next year? Wait, he did that?. Jebus.

Anyway, time to do our thing. But first, a reader encounter with the lofty one. Reader Bob writes in…

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When we last visited Peter King, he was letting the light beer flow with Matt Ryan and pining for another bag of delicious, salty, crunchy kettle chips provided complimentary for him on AirTran, CONTINENTAL’S WORST NIGHTMARE.

Well, the season has finally begun and that means it’s time for a whole NEW season of fun with our lofty scribe. But first, an important mandate.

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When we last left Ted Kennedy cadaver stand-in Peter King, he was waxing poetic about the acting ability of Meryl Streep (he wears Versatility on dates with Brett!), and rhapsodizing about the late Ted Kennedy. Mentioning Kennedy, of course, started an instant PoFlaWa here, and will do so again. He uh, er uh, WAS A PINKO!

Anyway, this week in his latest batch of extruded stool, Peter has an announcement that will BLOW YOU AND AMANDA BOWERS AWAY. But before we get to that, an endorsement of something Peter did. Yes, an endorsement!

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When we last left Peter King and his size 46 chino shorts, he decided against staging a personal boycott of Westin Hotels. Whew. Dodged a bullet there, Westin. Peter King could have single-handedly brought you to your knees. Next time, you won’t be so lucky.

So, what of this week? Did Peter swipe any new foul balls from area toddlers? Did he hire three urologists to slap his dick around? What kind of breakfast did Pam Whiteley put out for him? Better yet, did Pam Whiteley put out herself? Read on…

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When we last left jelly-hoofed deer-murderer Peter King, he was contemplating staging a personal boycott of Westin Hotels after they screwed him out of a room. DID HE DARE FOLLOW THROUGH ON SUCH A DEVASTATING EMBARGO? We find out this week! It’s true! Hold onto your luggage!

You know, if it was ANYONE else besides Peter King, I’d have sympathy for someone getting hosed out of a hotel room late at night and then given wrong directions to a make-good hotel. That would suck if it happened to, like, my friend Jesse. But such is my disdain for Peter King that I will happily defend those against whom he has a justifiable gripe. What’s that? Peter was struck by a drunk driver running a red light? KEEP YOUR HEAD ON A SWIVEL, KING. YOU DUMBASS! When it comes to Peter King, rational sympathy goes right out the window.

Anyway, this week’s MMQB is shockingly short, but still plenty long on idiocy. Here we go.

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I was on vacation last week. Now, if I were professional handshake analyst Peter King, this would be the part where I spend 5,000 words telling you about it. YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE THE CORN I HAD. Alas, we have business to attend to here. So no slideshow for you. Although I did see Ross Tucker take an unsolicited bite out of a child’s corndog. The child was not his. Time to delve into this week’s batch of Peter King’s brown, foamy Favretorum. But first… a conspiracy theory.

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Everyone over at Sports Illustrated is crafting their own sports bucket list, and their preeminent Buckethead Peter King delivers about what you’d expect. His complete list can be found here, continue after the jump for some highlights.

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Yes, yes, yes: we know.  Peter King’s Monday Morning Quarterback appeared on SI.com yesterday, and there was no immediate dissection from Big Daddy Drew.  You had to wait nearly a full revolution rotation of the Earth to get this column (that’s like a week in Internet time!), and it’s from one of those non-Drew, non-Ape KSK writers you barely tolerate.  Well, sorry.  Drew’s having some elective surgery and won’t be around this week.  Welcome to life; get used to disappointment.

But on to more pressing matters: Peter King is touring NFL training camps!  What invaluable insights does he deliver this week?  Are the NFL mess halls up to snuff?  Did he find time to visit Toone P. Wiggins?  Will there be time for him to talk about the Red Sox?  Is he surprised by August weather being so hot?  Won’t someone think of the Kit Kats!

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