It’s only took a decade or so, but repeated disappointment finally tempered the mania and inflated expectations of many D.C. fans whenever Daniel Snyder gasses up the jet and goes hunting for faded big-name free agents. Still, you can always count on some to fall into the Offseason Champs trap. When it does happen, it is glorious. It’s my favorite thing about Washington aside from the stark class and race divide. WaPo’s Sally Jenkins, usually a sound writer, has done just that with Ol’ Battleship Manning. She might be trolling, and that’s fine. She might be serious, and that would be even better.

Do it. Get him. Whatever must be done, however much the Redskins have to pay or promise to bring Peyton Manning to Washington, they should offer it.

If you can mortgage your future to bring a likely nerve damaged soon-to-be 36-year-old quarterback to a rebuilding franchise, you do it. Pop the bubbly, DMV!

This is one instance in which Dan Snyder needs to be the Dan Snyder we used to know, the check-writer with a signature on the bottom flashier than a fountain.

Woah woah woah. What’s this “used to” stuff? Because it’s been three whole years since the last catastrophic free agent signing?

This isn’t some impulsive grab at a big-name jersey. Manning has absolutely nothing in common with the fat and happy Redskins free agent disasters of the past.

He’s the gaunt and forlorn disaster of the future! Whereas others were content to take big money and fail, Peyton will be super pissed about it and that means something, ITHINKMAYBE.

We are talking about a player who, even if his 36-year-old arm is weakened, will instantly elevate the team, franchise and by extension the entire city with his competitive character.

His arm is weak but his competitive character will make transform D.C. into a cloud city with Billy Dee Williams as mayor. Congress will instantly grant D.C. voting rights, because who doesn’t want to hear from Competition Cloud City?

Manning is well worth the biggest gamble in franchise history. According to doctors, he is healed from neck surgery, and there is every indication he can regain his arm strength.

And that’s why Peyton’s had multiple surgeries, because all the other ones went perfectly and he wanted to be extra perfect. He’s that competitive!

The Redskins indeed need to “draft one of their own” at some point. But the stern reality is that their draft choice may not pan out, and it could take more than one draftee before they find their future.

“Draft picks are tooooo risky! Old busted quarterbacks like Donovan McNabb and Peyton Manning are a stone-cold lock!”

As Redskins Coach Mike Shanahan has said repeatedly in the past year about his failed hunt for a field leader, which led from the sluggish McNabb to the mulish Rex Grossman

I’ll interpret that as a commentary on his size.

“These guys don’t drop off trees.”

If they did, Snyder might not have destroyed all those trees blocking his view of the Potomac

/Dave McKenna burns

The greats are rare, and within that category Manning is even rarer, a once-in-a-generation opportunity. He’s the record holder for league MVP awards with four, the single most accomplished, highest-quality free agent ever to hit the open market.

Since the Seahawks signed Jerry Rice.

This is no Dana Stubblefield, or Deion Sanders, or Jeff George. This is a player so exacting and intelligent and impactful that it’s hard to measure the uplift he gives a franchise.

Coming soon: the District of Upliftville!

A couple of years ago I asked Jimmy Johnson what he saw as the biggest problem holding the Redskins back.

“Lack of ExtenZe.”

Why, I asked, were they locked in such a decade-long stasis, why was it that no matter how many coaching changes, and no matter how many times they remade the roster, they still fought to be an 8-8 team. He answered without hesitation, “Quarterback play.”

Sally must have beat a retreat before Jimmy could add “line play, receiver play, lack of pass rush, secondary play, special teams play, coaching, front office mismanagement and possible gypsy curse.”

I’ve heard all the arguments against making Manning a Redskin — they can’t protect him, they don’t have enough big targets for him — and they are nonsense. Manning’s line was plenty iffy in Indianapolis the last couple of years, and just look what he did behind it.

F*ck up his neck?

The pitch to Manning should be: come lay down a cornerstone and be part of returning the Redskins to greatness. There is no better or more appreciative city in which to be champion, none.

They’ll name a burger after you at BGR!

There’s one more thing the Redskins can offer. They have an owner who has shown a willingness to open his wallet when needed, who is not afraid of spending money to buy excitement. It’s finally time to use that to their advantage.

Oh, good idea. Why didn’t anyone ever think to make their biggest liability a strength?

You can expect a bit of messy fallout from any team losing a championship game – backbiting player comments to the media, fans starting pointless petitions complaining about calls, riots, supermodel wives of star quarterbacks throwing her hubby’s receivers under the bus for drops. Then, there are those brainfarts that are so powerfully repellent that they linger through all of sports discussion for days, maybe weeks. The Boston Globe’s Eric Wilbur has issued forth just such an emission.

Not so safety call: Blame Brady for this one

The legend is dead, the prince has turned back into a frog, and…well, use whatever other cliché you want.

It was a dark and stormy night.

The butler did it.

We all learned important life lessons from magical Negroes.

I don’t see how this helps.

Sorry, Tommy Boy, this one’s on you. Your hideous performance led to the Giants’ 21-17 Super Bowl title win. How embarrassing for your coach, your teammates, and your fans.

I’m a Tom Brady hater and I’m embarrassed. How did I squander so much of my life waiting for this clown fraud to display his clown fraudiness? In reality, he sucked all along. My life could have been better spent learning dead languages or lobbying local government to build a pedestrian bridge over poor neighborhoods.

But especially for you, boy wonder. It was one thing when you led the game off with a safety, which surely put plenty of faith into the heart of Patriot Nation

ONCE THE HAHHHTT OF PATS SAWX NATION WAS LAWST, THEY SHOULD HAVE SAVED EVERYONE THREE HOURS AND CAWLED IT A NIGHT. WE CAN STILL CATCH SHAMELESS. THAT EMMY RAWSSUM SHOWS HER TITS IN EVERY EPISODE!

but just when you have the game, just when you might be able to run off the clock, you huck the thing downfield. Yes, if Wes Welker catches that thing, you’re in the clear

If someone else didn’t screw up, you wouldn’t be assigned blame for their screw-up. So there. And remember when the safety lost the Pats the game in the first quarter? Well that was only the first loss. The Welker drop was, like, the third or fourth Super Bowl that New England lost last night. Extra wrenching.

but what happened to being safe in that situation? What happened to the Patriot Way and clock management?

Yeah, what happened to the Patriot Way of running the ball to win games? It must have gone from a myth to a fairy tale to a movie pitch where Mark Walhberg stops 9/11 with a street-wise Corey Dillon sidekick that he openly detests.

Maybe that moment will actually hit you as you’re whittling down water slides in South America looking like Prince Valiant this spring. The Patriots haven’t won a title in seven years, but even worse, they’re now turning into the Buffalo Bills

A perennial sub-.500 team? Quite impressive that they made the Super Bowl, then.

with the Giants being their Cowboy daddy.

That image only works because Eli has been known to ride to the practice facility on hobbyhorse.

That’s not easy to swallow in a region where New York is regarded as highly as the menu at Beacon Hill Pub.

Hey! Three and a half stars on Yelp. New York is regarded by Boston as a modestly priced outlet for average food. Seems a little inaccurate.

But, there you are, Tom. That’s what you have become. Your legacy has been stamped, but you’re turning your Joe Montana status into one of Jim Kelly. But, hey what you worry? There’s that new mansion in the “Names” pages to deal with.

If you take away the hour that Brady was a disconsolate wreck after the game, he barely even noticed the Pats lost. Too busy adding boldface tags to his name in all the copy.

Yes, there were plenty of dropped passes to go around. Granted. But when you begin the game with such a boneheaded play, then proceed to make random mistakes, sorry, Tom, game is on you.

So long as I leave the word “granted” after the part that destroys my argument, I’m okay to meander on.

“Yes, humans can’t survive without oxygen for more than maybe a minute and pressure at that depth would crush them. Granted. But the failure of humans to colonize the ocean floor is simply a failure of our collective imagination.”

There was no fourth and 13 to blame Belichick for.

4th and 13? Nope. Iffy playcalling and downright poor clock management? Sure. Or are you leaving the BELICHICK HAS LAWST HIS FASTBALL column for Simmons?

Welker was the closest thing to Asante, and the eeriness compared to the Tyree play will be discussed for decades to come.

I know! No one ever completes long passes late in games except the Giants on the Patriots in the Super Bowl. So eerie!

Thanks for that too. Can’t wait. Oh, look, another text coming in from 212…

Tom, it’s not all your fault,

Granted.

but you’re the poster boy, you had opportunities, and you failed to make them.

Or people failed to catch them.

Add to that your blunders, and it all becomes about you. You blew this Super Bowl. You denied your coach No. 4. You let down your teammates.

Look how sad you made Ocho. He was so looking forward to riding a duckboat. DUCKBOAT, the boat that’s a duck!

Eli and Peyton now have as many rings as you combined over the past five years. You haven’t sniffed one in seven. How’s that hit you?

You have as many rings as two top-tier quarterbacks combined. Loser.

Maybe it doesn’t hit you as hard anymore, and maybe that’s the problem.

The safety killed the Patriots. Killed them.

So much that they went on the take the lead for a long stretch of the game.

And there’s nobody to blame but Tom Brady.

However hard it might be to swallow, the glory days are gone. Even Montana handed off to Mallett at some point, right?

[Checks NFL Reference]

No, Joe Montana never did that.

When we last left Geno Auriemma’s biographer Peter King, he was marveling over Mike Mayock’s travel schedule. How can one man be in both the continental US and Hawaii all in the SAME DAY?! That defies physics! He was also not proud to tell you he watched a bit of the Kardashians (MOAR FUNKHAUSER PLEEZ), and told you that he wasn’t gonna write about Peyton Manning, then proceeded to write twelve thousand words about Peyton Manning. There will be PLENTY of time to talk Peyton later this week, gang! For now, it’s important that we talk about how scary that Tigers’ batting order is!

So what about this week? Did Peter save his receipts from the Conrad Hotel? Was this game exciting for the seven state-like territories in the upper right-hand corner of your United States map-like object? And did Seattle ever give Marc, Peter’s barista, a raise? Well, let’s just see how he makes my latte first. READ ON. But first, a special announcement…

I’m not sure how long I’ve been doing Fun With Peter King here at KSK. Maybe since 2008. I THINK. Years and years of subjecting myself to Peter’s musings has deadened a legit 40% of my cerebral cortex. The point is, I stand before you today a beaten man. All the garbled syntax, all the stories that go nowhere, all the equivocating… I think all of it has broken my spirit. I don’t just think it. I know it! That’s why, starting next week, I’m handing full control of Fun With Peter King over to our own Christmas Ape, who will be injecting jusssssst the right amount of bitterness into this feature on a weekly basis.

Ape will also be adding the sorely needed visual components to this thing that I’ve been too lazy to cook up over the years. Furthermore, our new and improved kommenting system has allowed readers to enhance the whole “Let’s pick on this one person every week” experience, and that’s fun! Peter King is even LOFTIER once dirty Photoshops have been added to the mix. Trust me: You will not be disappointed with the new and improved KSK.

As for me, I’ll still be around, posting worn-out Tommy jokes and ranting about umbrellas. But Peter and I need a bit of time apart. He’s been a good sport, all things considered. I daresay there are far more thin-skinned writers out there (COUGHsimmonsCOUGH). And you readers have been kind enough to not point out that I write a weekly NFL column that is somehow even LESS informative and LESS about football than Peter’s weekly thinkarrhea. And so I thank you for your discretion. Now, for old’s time sake, let’s rip this little piggy a new one.

So many thoughts, many about Manning, in the hours after the Giants’ 21-17 Super Bowl win over the Patriots. Let’s categorize them:

1. Thoughts about Eli Manning, who I’d prefer to not actually talk about.

2. Thoughts about the weather. Don’t know how you beat that weather, Indy.

3. Thoughts about the Red Sox. You know where I stand on players openly drinking beer in the clubhouse, particularly if that beer isn’t Blue Moon.

4. Thoughts about Rick Reilly openly lobbying to get his son an ad job on Twitter. Quasi-McDanielsesque!

5. Thoughts about “Happy Endings,” which some of you told me to watch. Tell you more about it when I see the highlights.

I’ve noticed this about (Eli Manning). Football’s his job, and he likes it a lot. But let’s say God tapped him on the shoulder tomorrow and said, “I’ve got different plans for you. You’re going to be an architect.”

Eli Vandelay?

Manning would handle that pretty well.

BREAKING NEWS: Eli Manning capable of switching to imaginary new career assigned to him by Peter King. Can we make him a parking valet next? Because he would make a GREAT parking valet. I bet he does a great “This asshole with the BMW stiffed me” face.

He is a sick competitor, but he’d figure a way to satisfy that part of his life. Golf with the other architects, Friday night poker, trying to be a better architect than anyone else out there.

This is such a fully fleshed out alternate universe for Eli. It’s like watching “Sliding Doors 2.” In this case, the door would be designed by Eli, because he is an architect. Playing billiards with other architects, eating fancy architect food, fucking his wife while thinking about new shapes, etc. It’s all there. The mythology is quite rich.

As the pool reporter covering three full Giants practices during the week, I saw one series of plays that really interested me Thursday.

INTERESTING.

Saturday was my 20th Hall of Fame selection meeting, and not much has changed over the years.

Indeed. YOU STILL ALL EAT HOG.

/bitter about Cris Carter

…These voters, media people from around the country, are strong-willed and opinionated — many of them — and what resulted Saturday is not a big surprise if you understand how the process works, and who votes.

BERNIE MIKLASZ: I want to order from Panera!

PETER: I want Houston’s!

BERNIE: Panera!

PETER: Houston’s!

BERNIE: Tell you what: You get to order from Houston’s, but only if you drop your case against Cris Carter.

PETER: Done! THE SYSTEM WORKS.

There are two bones of contention coming out of the meeting — at least that I’ve heard from readers, Tweeters and other writers: the Bill Parcells snub and the logjam at wide receiver.

Bill Parcells would have gotten in if it hadn’t been for all the Jap voters. NO OFFENSE, JAPS. We know you have a hard time seeing greatness through those little coin slot eyes.

I can’t divulge conversations from the room; that’s against Hall policy.

FUCK THE HALL. This whole process is so totally idiotic. Why do they make the deliberations a secret? To protect voters from actual criticism, that’s why. Fuck the Hall. It’s bullshit.

It’s also against Hall policy to divulge your vote.

I like that Peter says this right before saying that he supported Carter’s candidacy. So you can’t say you voted one way, but you can intimate who you supported. This makes NO goddamn sense. If a voter wants to actually disclose his vote (and to give credit to Peter, he clearly does), then LET HIM. So fucking annoying. This is how you end up with a Hall of Fame located in Asshole, Ohio.

The NFL Man of the Year award went to the veteran Ravens center (Matt Birk). He beat out Philip Rivers and Charles Tillman…

“What? Huh? FUCK YOU, BIRK! I WAS CLASSIER THAN YOU BY MORE THAN A COCKHAIR!”

“Reading is a skill from which all others follow,” Birk said. “Mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles, grandparents, baby sitters … even Steeler fans … anyone who has instilled the love of reading in a child, this is for you.”

Couldn’t have said it better.

This is how Peter would have given that same speech:

“As a skill from which others follow, we underestimate reading. Watch CNN, fine. Read, better. That’s what Mike Brown does. He reads. Hang on a moment… gotta check this text from Steve Young… Anyway, read more and you could’ve been from Pittsburgh. Mothers, fathers, Puins, Whiteleys, etc. Reading is our Bogart.”

Listen to Tony Dungy talk about Jim Caldwell’s ability to erase mistakes from quarterback play, and you’ll be convinced that Joe Flacco is in very good hands with his new quarterback coach.

2011 Colts passing stats: 14 TDs, 14 INTs, 56.6% completion percentage, 72.2 QB rating. I think we can all see that Joe Flacco is destined for greatness under that kind of tutelage. MY FRIEND TONY DUNGY WHO WORKS AT A NETWORK LOCATED IN THE LOWER DIGITS OF YOUR CABLE GUIDE SAYS SO.

7. Houston (11-7). Scout receivers, Rick Smith.

That’s an order! Don’t go against Peter on this, Rick Smith. You saw what happened after Peter told Sibling Rivalry to get better with the coffee.

11.Denver (9-9). One week without a Tebow feature or a Tebow story of any kind… Good play.

Now, let me tell you what I think John Fox probably said to Tebow before this offseason began. He probably said, “Tim, you gotta get better.” That’s how I think it all went down. I wonder how Tebow would handle being a graphic designer.

“Hit me right in the hands. It’s a play I never drop. It comes at the biggest moment of my life.”

– New England wideout Wes Welker

Jesus, even Wes Welker overrates Wes Welker’s hands.

I asked (Ross) Ventrone for a poem or two. He has taken to doing Twitpoems, 140-character jobs he fits to Twitter.

I hope they’re as INTERESTING as the out-of-the-box poems about the NFL written by Larry Ferlinghetti!

I don’t much care for the NFL
Soccer is better
You smell that fart of mine?
A taste of heaven

Here’s his tribute to aardvarks:

Nocturnal talk,
Eyes open when it’s dark.
Interesting animal style,
Big Ups to aardvarks (we need you out there).

Ross Ventrone is retarded. I expect Roger Ebert to retweet that poem five minutes from now.

Mr. Starwood Preferred Member Travel Note of the Week

Four of them:

1. Can you believe this lady with the sleeping mask blocking the way to the window seat?

2. Great town you got there, Grand Rapids. But where does a fella go for coffee round there?

3. Living in Manhattan means I get to take a $30 double decker bus tour every day. Still magic.

4. Awful hard to find you without a map, Providence Airport.

1. The Orlando Magic had a game Saturday night in Indianapolis against the Pacers. But by the time the NBA schedule was finalized after the season was delayed, the Magic couldn’t book hotel rooms in Indy for the Friday night two days before the Super Bowl.

ZOH NO! And I bet those hotels rooms charged MORE during Super Bowl week? How do you live with yourself, Westin?

So the team played Friday night in Orlando and flew to Cincinnati — the airport there is just south of town, over the Ohio River in Kentucky — and stayed in a hotel in Florence, Ky. That is about 112 miles from Indianapolis.

It’s the next part of the trip that boggles my mind:

Other things that boggle Peter’s mind:

-Baggage claims. How do the bags get there? WOW.

-Don Banks happily sleeping in a full size bed at the Best Western. Couldn’t do that if I were him.

-Roger Goodell’s sit-up regimen

-Tom Dimitroff knowing exactly where CNBC is located in his channel guide. That’s a thinker, right there.

At 1:45 p.m., the team boarded a bus at the hotel and went back to the airport, went through security, boarded a plane, flew 28 minutes to the west side of Indianapolis, deplaned, boarded another bus and drove 20 minutes from the Indianapolis airport east through the Super Bowl snarl to the arena in downtown Indy. Now, that’s a drive I’ve made many eight or 10 times in my life, owing to the fact I used to live in Cincinnati. I am stunned any thinking person, or travel expert, would suggest that the best way to go is to fly.

That’s an all-highway, 90- to 100-minute drive. The Magic could have left at 1:45 p.m. and been at the arena by 3:30, at the latest. They arrived at 4.

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY COULD HAVE SAVED THIRTY WHOLE MINUTES! They may as well have flown to fucking TAIWAN and back! Even Mike Mayock thinks that’s too XTREME! Why wasn’t this on the front page of the New York Times? RANDOM NBA TEAM COULD HAVE SAVED THIRTY MINUTES TRAVELING TO SHITTY GAME. Big story.

2. I love the Indy airport, by the way.

So humane!

Did you know it’s the only major airport in the United States that’s been built since 9/11?

No, because it’s untrue. (Raleigh/Durham’s new airport opened last year. I know this because I flew there last week. Such sparkly water fountains!)

Good restaurants, plentiful good coffee…

THANK GOD THERE’S COFFEE! Every time I go to the airport, I think to myself, “Boy, I hope there’s enough coffee here, given that EVERY restaurant here almost certainly serves coffee. I just want to make sure there are the seventy million hogsheads of joe required for a fucking coffee landfill like Peter King to be satisfied.”

…short walks from counters to gates.

One of the more walkable airports in the world! I hate walking.

3. The JW Marriott was the best Super Bowl media hotel I’ve been in.

Good to know for the 99.9999999% that aren’t in the Super Bowl media.

Bar none, hands down.

Case closed!

Friendly staff, comfortable room, great TV, 12-minute walk to the stadium. Perfect…

Oh good. I’m glad you were comfortable. It would have ruined the game for me yesterday if you had been mildly inconvenienced. I hope the next Super Bowl takes place in a Burmese prison.

4. Until Saturday night.

WHO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE IN TOWN?!

So I’ve had a room on the southeast side of the hotel, overlooking Victory Field on one side and the heart of downtown on the other. Saturday night, DirecTV had a big party at Victory Field. When I went to sleep around 11:30, I felt like I was at the party, not in a hotel across the street from it. Some band playing there had the bass turned up, and the thump-thump-thump of it was maddening. But I can sleep through pretty much anything, so I went to bed.

Woke up and the clock radio read “3:03,” and the booming bass was louder, and there was something vibrating in the room, like glasses clanking in the cupboard when you live right next to train tracks and a freight train rumbles by. In my room is a vase, and it sits on the marble-covered desk-bureau combination piece of furniture. That vase was rumbling ever-so-lightly on the marble top. I got up, took the vase off the desk and put it on the carpeted floor, and prayed that the siege from across the street would end soon. I guess it did. Woke up at 6. Silence.

I think you can all understand now why I can’t do this anymore. Right? I mean, it’s obvious. Hey, I stayed at a kickass hotel! But then people had the NERVE to party outside during the biggest party night of the week! But luckily, I can sleep through anything, which renders my petty annoyances all but moot! Then a vase moved slightly and I went back to bed.

YOU FUCKING FAILED FIRST GRADE STORYTELLINGOLOGY 101, PETER. Join us next week when Peter stays at a hotel and can’t figure out where the power button is on the remote, because the MENU button is so big and the power button is so small, and then Peter figures it out five seconds later and everything is cool. Then someone gives him free health care. FUCK.

“There were fewer people at the Maxim Party than are out there for the coin toss.”

– @PeteAbe, the Boston Globe’s Pete Abraham, who was not exaggerating. Much.

Maybe.

This is Indy hospitality:

Lots of Crisco and shouting!

Two friends from New Jersey decided late in the process to come to the Super Bowl. They couldn’t find a hotel room within 60 miles…

THAT’S EMBEZZLEMENT!

…and so I reached out to friends I’d met a couple of times at Indy Tweetups and gotten chummy with, Angie and Mike Six of Fishers, Ind.

Any relation to Tom Six?

/pictures Human Peter Kingipede

//throws up

I knew it was level-jumping, but I asked if they’d mind putting my Jersey friends up.

“You mind having my friends stay with you? You never know if it’ll be the Dunge!”

No problem! Have a super day! They got along fine, had a good time together, and made new friends. Cool scene.

And NO moving vases!

Henry Hynoski. Sounds like a fullback. Plays like one.

This means nothing.

e. Gronk. No agility.

Again, nothing.

3. I think Myra Kraft weeps.

Because that’s what corpses do. They weep.

4. I think my line of the night comes from Steve Serby of the New York Post: “You just don’t throw on Chase Blackburn.”

I expected more from ol’ Serb. Something like, ‘BURNED! CHASE BLACK-PEDDLES INTO KEY INTERCEPTION!

5. I think the league, the Rams and the city of St. Louis avoided one of the major headaches of the 2012 offseason by agreeing to a deal to put one game in each of the next three years in London Sunday.

But they’ll NEVER see Tom Brady again! Don’t know how you fix this, Angie Six.

6. I think the halftime show was terrific. Loved that Madonna finished with “Like a Prayer.”

But why didn’t she play any U2 songs?

Man’s Gotta Eat Dept.: Gene Steratore, the NFL ref who did one playoff game this year and doubles as an NCAA ref, was in Ann Arbor Wednesday (Indiana-Michigan), the Bronx Thursday (Marist-Manhattan) and Hartford Saturday (Seton Hall-UConn).

Three cities in four days? Get that man a roster spot on the Orlando Magic! He’s fly-crazy!

Interesting being with Randy Moss (the announcer, not the pass-catcher) Sunday for NBC on the pregame show.

COMPELLING.

Told me a great story.

Once he was in a hotel room and it sounded like people next door were fucking but it was just a cat!

c. Tremendous commercial about Chrysler, Clint Eastwood.

No, it wasn’t. It was awful.

d. Somehow, I don’t think Clint Eastwood’s an MMQB reader.

e. I’m gonna miss these butchered bullet points

f. Except that I’m not.

g. Play lofty for me.

Met Rooney Mara in the Giants’ locker room postgame. That was odd.

WEIRD. Who would have guessed a Mara family member would be in the winning locker room?

Nice, polite, gracious.

Respects the sun.

Know where she was a week ago today? Japan. Promoting “The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.” Know where she’ll be later today? At an Oscar’s luncheon in Los Angeles.

DOES SHE OWN A TELEPORTATION DEVICE?! HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?! MAKE HER A REF!

Coffeenerdness: “Six-shot tall Americano,” Lions CEO Tom Lewand ordered Sunday morning in the second-floor Starbucks in the JW Marriott here.

Hardcore.

Second time I’d seen him order it this week. Imagine six shots of espresso, with just a touch of scalding water.

Think it. Dream it. IMAGINE IT.

That’s Lewand’s drink of choice every day. Now there’s a serious coffee man right there.

Worthy of coffeenerdness!

Thanks, JW Marriott, for the Starbucks being open at 4 a.m. today, when I desperately needed it.

YOU HAVE A COFFEEMAKER IN YOUR HOTEL ROOM, YOU TWAT!

When we last left fate xeroxer Peter King, he was personally clearing his airplane seat of refuse, which is something that should only happen if you’re living in INDIA. I also put him under legit fire for declaring a carrot he ate to be his first memorable moment of championship weekend. In Peter’s defense, it WAS a big carrot. Thicker than Tebow downstairs. He also rode the cable cars, lamented the lack of Rams home games featuring Tom Brady, and expounding on the wonders of cooking and toxicity.

So what about this week? Did Peter find some other complete idiot who doesn’t like football who Peter thinks has lots of out-of-the-box ideas about the sport? I’m told that Paul Krugman would like to do away with the sport entirely in favor of a series of town hall meetings to discuss the economic effects of raising the capital gains tax. PRETTY HARD HITTING STUFF. And did Peter get to drink more Blue Bottle coffee? READ ON. There’s something about this Fun With Peter King that’s hard to put a finger on, but also very tough to beat.

Lots going on as we draw nearer to The Rematch Bowl of Super Bowl 46.

I prefer to refer to this game as First Grade in Rematchtownology 101.

(That’s right, I’m not a big Roman numeral guy.)

I know! I can tell because you use smiley faces for bullet points.

We need to get one thing straight about Peyton Manning.

His scrotum? GORGEOUS. Very soft. Very symmetrical. It’s as if you’re holding a bag of runes.

The most compelling player in the 2012 draft hits our consciousness.

Not just compelling… INTERESTING. Wait till that interest hits you right in your interesthole.

But we should start with hype week, since that’s why I have been dispatched to central Indiana. But I’ll be brief since we’ll have plenty of other opportunities throughout the week to dissect the game.

Time to start talking about the game… I guess. But let’s not focus on the game TOO MUCH, since I know that bores you. Besides, this 9,000-word column shouldn’t be a spotlight for things like FOOTBALL.

“Do you realize how weird this is?” defensive end Osi Umenyiora said to Tom Coughlin in the mayhem of the Giants’ locker room in San Francisco, after the Giants beat the Niners to get to this game.

Oh, Christ. Look what you’ve done, Peter. NOW PLAYERS ARE GETTING IN ON IT. It’s Weirdmania 2012 thanks to your astonishingly thin vocabulary.

It’s going to be a fun week, particularly in seven states in the upper right-hand corner of your United States map.

Just say the Northeast. You don’t have to gussy it up like that. That doesn’t make it any more INTERESTING. “You know, I think the fate of Peyton Manning will be of particular interesting to folks in that McNugget-shaped state that rides shotgun to Illinois on your North American road map, assuming you use paper maps and not GPS.”

Now, since we’ll get hyped to death all week with the Super Bowl, let’s cover other stuff … like the other story we’ll get clubbed over the head with this week.

What this column won’t be about: where Peyton Manning will play in 2012.

Let’s move on from the Super Bowl so I can talk about how I’m NOT going to talk about Peyton Manning. In fact, let’s just make a list right now if the things this column will NOT be about:

-Football
-Peyton Manning
-Teanerdness
-Recombobulation areas
-Jeremy Schaap’s travel schedule, which is surprisingly light
-Politics, although don’t you think that Newt Gingrich is a shady fellow?

There’s a simple reason. No one knows yet if he’ll play at all. In the last few days, as I said on NBC last night, I’ve heard mixed reports about his physical condition.

Will he play? MAYBE. Could his neck still need an entire year to heal? IT COULD BE. Is it possible that Peyton Manning has a nascent Siamese twin growing inside his upper vertebrae, and that the twin is trying to claw his way out of Peyton’s body so that he can sign a lucrative deal with Miami? WHO KNOWS?!

Or Manning might waffle, which would be the greatest thing ever to happen to Brett Favre.

Oh hey, thanks for bringing up Brett Favre FOR NO FUCKING REASON. Listen guys, I’m not gonna bore you with shit like the Super Bowl or Peyton’s future. Instead, LET’S TALK LAND BARON.

Instead of Mike Florio speculating monthly if some team might take leave of its senses and try to lure Favre out of retirement, ProFootballTalk.com could make a cottage industry of The Race for Manning.

Oh, so it’s only Florio who milked the Favre teat? I seem to remember a certain Nazi coffee-loving hunchback who spent three years endlessly speculating about the fate of his besty best. “Now I spent some time down in Favreville, and I will tell you Favre LOVES TENDING TO HIS HYACINTHS. I could easily see him staying down here forever. But I could ALSO see him being lured out of retirement. Which way will he go? ALAS, I CANNOT SAY. I think these voicemails I saved aren’t conclusive, and that’s because they aren’t.”

The other day, Manning family friend Gil Brandt, the longtime NFL personnel guru, was dubious about Manning’s future when he appeared on my podcast. “My gut feeling,” said Brandt, “is that we’ve probably seen the last of Peyton.”

Strong statement, and he wouldn’t have said it unless he felt pretty good about it. Now, he did follow that by saying he doesn’t think anyone knows the answer to the question for sure… yet.

Indeed. Let’s leave all the BASELESS SPECULATION to Florio over at his website. As for me, I just talked to Gil Brandt and he totally says Peyton is retiring… I THINK. But I’m not in the business of hyping this story up. I’d prefer to sit back and let the story unfol… OMG BRETT FAVRE JUST SAID HE THINKS PEYTON MIGHT RETIRE TO HIS MILK FARM POSSIBLY!

(Butch) Davis hasn’t coached in the NFL since he was dismissed by the Browns after the 2004 season. He’d be a good sounding board for (Greg) Schiano.

SCHIANO: Butch, what do you think of this alignment?

BUTCH: Well, I think that maybe we could…

SCHIANO: Just kidding. I’m not taking advice from Butch fucking Davis. Go get me some Gatorade, Bitch Boy.

I like the Schiano hire.

I can’t imagine why.

Not to ignore the others, but having lived in New Jersey when Schiano took over one of the worst teams in any sport in the country (that’s no exaggeration), I witnessed the job he did making Rutgers competitive nationally.

MONTCLAIR PRIDE!

In the last few days, I’ve heard people say, “Well, he never won the Big East at Rutgers. Dumb hire.” Time will tell.

I like the hire. Was it retarded? YOU NEVER KNOW. All I know is that he will make the Bucs wear sports coats and that will help.

I’ve been tracking (Steve) Gleason, the former Saints special-teams ace, diagnosed with ALS last January, for a story that will run on NBC’s Super Bowl pregame show Sunday… I won’t tell the story here.

Of course you won’t. Hey guys, here’s a bunch of interesting shit! But I’m not gonna talk about it HERE! That would be WEIRD. This space is for bitching about the Marco Scutaro trade and sending out RSVPs for wedding invites. Can’t wait for your wedding, Donna Whiteley!

Michel, his wife, is tremendously real and emotional.

Pretty real for someone in the middle of something emotional.

It’s impossible to experience the Gleason story and not be touched, and not get choked up. Impossible, unless you’re a totally unfeeling person.

It’s impossible to not be moved by this story. Unless you aren’t moved by this story, in which case I suppose I could make an exception. But that would make you WEIRD.

And so last week, when I was in New Orleans, I spoke with Steve and Michel about the story.

“Did you guys go to Dr. Kata? Tell him Peter sent ya and your ALS will be cured FOR FREE!”

I am a TV story neophyte.

“What do you mean, I can’t drink a latte during this live remote?”

I’m one of the 44 Hall of Fame voters, and it’s hard not to see how eerie the numbers are when you compare Levy (Pro Football Hall of Fame Class of 2001) to Coughlin.

WEIRD. They’re so valid, it’s SCARY. It’s like an Eli Roth movie: “Statistical Similarities IV”. Really disturbing stuff.

Great note purloined from John Altavilla of the Hartford Courant:

Great nugget, John! But why not save those good nuggets for a later date?

Two days after the UConn women won the national championship in 2004, coach Geno Auriemma began coaching his 15-year-old son Michael’s AAU team, Connecticut Nike Elite. On the team with Michael was a 15-year-old athletic forward from Bristol, Aaron Hernandez.

WEIRD! I think that will be of great interest to a certain segment of the American population that lives on the Atlantic Coast above New Jersey but NOT below it.

Do the timeline on this: Auriemma began coaching the team in 2004, two months after Tom Brady led the Patriots to their second Super Bowl.

Which brings us to the most important question: Why has Tom Brady never played a road game at UConn? Do you realize what a glaring mistake the NFL schedulemaker has made?

Mike Mayock will find a beer and a beach today in Hawaii. And he’ll try to think about something other than football for a few minutes.

I’d just like to note that reader Ross Eberhart totally called this. He’s our Josh Bickford.

@drewmagary There’s 110 percent chance that Mike Mayock traveling from Mobile to Honolulu in one day shows up in MMQB tomorrow. Maybe.

Definitely!

He spent a week in Tampa, beginning two weeks ago, for the East-West college all-star game, doing the game telecast for NFL Network. Last week, he was in Mobile for the Senior Bowl, on NFL Network Saturday afternoon. Right after the game Saturday, he buzzed to the Mobile airport and flew to Los Angeles, getting in before midnight and checking into an airport hotel. He had a 5 a.m. wakeup call and 7:30 a.m. flight to Honolulu. By 12:30 Honolulu time, Mayock was on the field for warmups prior to the Pro Bowl. “Didn’t we just see you on TV in Mobile?” one of the Houston assistants (Texans coaches were the AFC coaching staff for the Pro Bowl) said to Mayock.

He did the Pro Bowl game on NBC, then went back to his hotel. He said he was tired, but happy.

THIS MAN IS A TRAVEL GOD. For him to traverse the land and seas in such a NinersPapaesque manner, while performing a job and getting paid for it, is the stuff COURAGE is made of. How was he able to be in two faraway places within a realtively short time span? HE MUST BE A WITCH.

I think the NFL should put San Diego in the Super Bowl rotation.

I know! It’s never in San Diego, except for the three times when it was.

Best Super Bowl city in the world.

Because it’s warm and it feels like a vacation for me, and isn’t that the most important thing?

I don’t care how mediocre Qualcomm is. I’ve never heard a soul — fan, visitor, media type — complain about the site. But I have heard scores of people ask, “When’s the Super Bowl going back to San Diego?”

And how can Roger Goodell sleep at night putting a Super Bowl in New Jersey? Doesn’t he understand that people will DIE?!

I think I’ll start here with full disclosure: Tony Grossi and I went to Ohio University together and worked at the school paper, The Post, side by side for three years. We have mostly lost touch over the years, but I still consider him a good friend. So if you want to dismiss my opinion on this, that’s fair.

There’s one of these in every MMQB. “Let me start by disclosing that I love this person. So if you find me to be biased with regard to the following item, that’s totally fair. That probably means I should avoid the topic altogether. Oh well. Here’s me supporting my friend!”

By the way, King goes on to tell a story about Grossi accidentally sending out a tweet denigrating Brown owner Randy Lerner and getting removed from his beat for it. Peter thought that was a lame move by the paper, and he’s right. But since he prefaced that opinion by telling you how utterly unreliable he is for everything, the point gets lost. I THINK.

I think that was a great job on the Irsay story, Judy Battista.

Great job, person covering a story that I have deemed overhyped and am apparently too good to cover!

Opening Day, Thursday, April 5, Sox at Tigers: Beckett against a 3-4-5 of Cabrera, Fielder, Ordonez, with Verlander going for Detroit. Yikes.

AH! Now THERE’S a story. Why bother speculating about football when we can speculate about a fucking baseball game that will account for 1/162nd of an entire regular season? That’s important! I know that Lawrence Ferlinghetti agrees!

Not proud to say I caught a half-hour of the Kardashian show Sunday.

EVEN BETTER! Why spend time talking about how this column WON’T be about Peyton Manning when you can spend it talking about how unimportant you find the Kardashians to be?

Early reviews on Indianapolis are very good. Nice touch by having Indiana schoolchildren put little drawings in everyone’s hotel room downtown.

A CHILD BROKE INTO EVERY HOTEL ROOM?! Hope you like the stomach flu.

Yes, I plan to hit St. Elmo’s.

ORDER THE CARROT!

Coffeenerdness: “Hey, hope I make ‘Coffeenerdness!’ ” Marc, my barista at the Starbucks Canal Place in New Orleans, said to me the other morning.

Set better goals for yourself, Marc.

Well, let’s just see how you made my latte first…

I suppose I could deign to include you. BUT FIRST! I must make sure there is no bitterness to be found in here.

Hmmmm.

Ah!

Yes.

Oh!

Very good.

The foam is dripping off my sixth chin!

Marc, you are quite worthy of Coffeenerdness.

HUZZAH!

Seattle, give this man a raise!

Don’t know how you do that, Seattle.

NOTE: There’s a reading in Chapel Hill tomorrow night (1/31) at 7pm at Flyleaf books. The after party is gonna be at Linda’s. And then, Wednesday night (2/1), there’s gonna be a reading in Durham at the Regulator at 7pm, with drinks at either Charlie’s or Dain’s Place afterward. Come on down and we’ll have some fun. MAYBE.

When we last left Busy Beaver Peter Kingdrop, he was fully disclosing that he shared an agent with Jeff Fisher, and that you were more than free to not believe him when he said that Jeff Fisher MAYBE KINDA SORTA picked the Rams more than he rejected the Dolphins. You take that report on faith, America. But if you let it seep into your guts, it will blow you away. I think.

So what about this week? Did Gene Steratore travel a lot? Any more meaty Babb Nuggets to digest? Isn’t it a great sign that the Bucs have extended their coaching search by another eight months? Is Philip Seymour Hoffman still the Meryl Streep of male actors? READ ON. This Fun With Peter King is so valid, it’s SCARY.

I laugh when people call me an idiot for my predictions.

“Ha ha ha! It’s funny because it’s true. Say, did you see that they’re building a Starbucks in war-torn Somalia? Sounds like democracy is just a latte away!”

I shake my head when gambler friends ask me who to pick. Poor saps.

GAMBLER: Who ya got, Peter? My mortgage is riding on this one!

PETER: I like the Giants.

GAMBLER: Oh good! Now I know…

PETER: MAYBE.

GAMBLER: Well, are you sure?

PETER: I think so.

GAMBLER: Do you think it or do you know it?

PETER: I don’t just think it. I know it. I think.

GAMBLER: (opens carotid artery)

These four players had huge parts in the Patriots and Giants making the Super Bowl for the second time in five seasons:

Many of you never heard of three of those four before Sunday. Some of you still haven’t.

Some of you still haven’t heard of Kyle Williams. Why? Because you didn’t watch the game last night and because this is a column about COFFEE, and all the ways in which it is brewed and mixed with various Sno Cone flavorings.

Nice crowd the 49ers have on Twitter. One of their “fans” tweeted to Williams (@KyleWilliams_10): “Jim Harbaugh, please give @KyleWilliams_10 the game ball. And make sure it explodes when he gets in his car.”

+1!

It’s only sports, people. Only sports.

Which is why the bulk of this column is dedicated to describing the hotel I stayed at last week, instead of actual sports.

How about this incredible Xerox of fate for the Giants.

Perfect metaphor deployment. A thousand poets could spend a thousand years trying to come up with the perfect encapsulation of this Giants run, and they’d never walk out of the room with a nugget as GOLDEN as XEROX OF FATE. It’s a powerful, gleaming expression — one that speaks to the idea of destiny, that we cannot change things no matter how much we try, and that we are sometimes cosigned to do the same things over and over again. It has so many applications:

XEROX OF FATE, DIRECTED BY OREN PELI: What happens when a seemingly normal office copier begins printing out obtuse messages on its own? One D-list actress you’ll never hear from again will find out.

XEROX OF FATE: Steve Serby’s HILARIOUS quick turnaround book about this unlikely Giants season. Subtitle: HOW THE GIANTS STOPPED COUGHLIN UP LOSSES AND BECAME GOTHAM ELI-CONS.

XEROX OF FATE: A hilarious fake supergroup in a Portlandia sketch!

In 2007, the Giants started the playoffs by beating an NFC South team. Then they beat the No. 1 seed on the road.

And then they had to travel to SEATTLE, which we all know is located in Russia, and then they spent six hours waiting on the tarmac for their plane to be de-iced, and then they had to double back on Route 3 because of a DUI blockade! And then they traveled to Texas a day later to pick up Gene Steratore!

There’s something about Manning that’s hard to put a finger on, but also very hard to beat.

OPPPOSING COACH: You want to stop Eli Manning? You have to defend his CHEMISTRY.

For the many of you wanting to crucify (Lee) Evans for the play: I don’t. Should he have lock-gripped the ball to prevent stripping? Yes, of course.

Is Lee Evans to blame for dropping that ball? No. But, to put it another way, he is very much to blame for it.

Miami’s hire of the Green Bay offensive coordinator as head coach Friday probably never would have happened without Matt Birk, Kirk Ferentz, and two Massachusetts establishments of higher education…

Along with this bag of string and a seemingly innocuous account statement from the Best Western hotel. How does it all tie together? TELL YOU IN A FEW PARAGRAPHS, JON!

Sad news, however you fall on the Joe Paterno spectrum, with the news of his death Sunday at 85.

If you revered him, you’re very sad. If you were a reactionary type who thought he abetted child rape and you hate him and you’re not sad at all about his death… you are also very sad.

Mike Tomlin (secondary) and Jim Caldwell (quarterbacks) coached together at Tampa Bay under Tony Dungy in Dungy’s last season with the Bucs, 2001, if you’re looking for a clue on the next offensive coordinator in Pittsburgh.

/hears Ape destroying a perfectly good hat stand

Someone Who Knows told me a major roadblock to Steve Spagnuolo taking the defensive coordinator job in Philadelphia was the presence of very strong personality Jim Washburn on the defensive line.

Again, can’t Someone Who Knows write this thing every week? He at least would have found a better metaphor than XEROX OF FATE.

I like the Dolphins a little better today now that they’re the leaders in the clubhouse for Matt Flynn.

Gotta like the idea that they’ll overpay for the second coming of Scott Mitchell.

Offensive Player of the Week

Baltimore QB Joe Flacco… A great performance by a player under legit fire.

40% legit, you guys.

Owner Woody Johnson, to Jets beat reporters, on many things, including cooking and toxicity:

Oh, of course! Those two subjects go together so naturally! Like kites and fisting!

“Confidence is a very, very important thing in cooking and also in managing quarterbacks. How many starting quarterbacks are pulled?”

Okay, well the Jets are clearly fucked. Who asked him to bring up bold flavors when discussing how awful Nacho is?

I flew from JFK to San Francisco Thursday on a mid-morning Delta flight… When I approached my row, a 35ish man…

Semi-middle-aged!

…was sitting in the aisle seat with headphones on, reading Harper’s.

This story is a fabrication. No one reads Harper’s. It’s not even a real magazine. They use it as a prop in movies because real magazines would sue for copyright infringement if you showed them.

The other two seats were devoid of people, but not of crap. In the middle seat was a McDonalds bag, crumpled, with an empty drink poking out of the top, with three used red blankets left on the seat. Another blanket with discarded newspapers was on the window seat I was to occupy.

OMG! There’s, like, three ounces of shit in your seat! HOW WILL IT EVER BE MOVED?!

On the floor was a plastic bag with a water bottle, empty, and other garbage, along with another blanket. I surveyed the situation. The guy in the aisle seat took off his headphones and said, “Guess they didn’t clean the plane.”

“Yup,” I said.

Riveting. It’s like Steven fucking Zaillian scripted the dialogue.

“Hey. There’s, like, garbage here.”

“I know.”

AND SCENE.

He put his headphones back on and read, and I took the two bags of trash, plus the newspapers, into the bathroom and shoved them into the garbage hole. Then I took the blankets and deposited them under a row of seats.

So now we don’t get meals on the 6-hour, 40-minute coast-to-coast trips. We pay for the bags we check, in most instances. And now, evidently, we have to bus the planes ourselves.

Don’t you see I had to walk ten extra feet to dispose of that refuse? WHAT IS HAPPENING TO OUR COUNTRY?!

1. I think this is what I liked about championship weekend:

a. The gigantic cooked carrot at Bob’s Steak and Chop House at Montgomery and California streets in San Francisco.

That is perfect. That is just the most perfect goddamn thing I’ve ever read. Hey guys, those were a couple of close games we saw yesterday. Know what THE FIRST THING I LIKED ABOUT THE WHOLE WEEKEND WAS? A carrot. A fucking carrot. A root vegetable of above average size. Served to me at a restaurant you probably can’t afford, where giant carrots are almost certainly treated as a garnish. ALLOW ME TO START OFF MY THOUGHTS ON THE WEEKEND BY POINTING OUT THE SINGLE MOST INSIGNIFICANT DETAIL I POSSIBLY CAN. Because I love really fucking big carrots. What’s interesting, Doc?

b. Riding three cable cars. Touristy, I know. But really fun.

Holy crap, does this man have to visit every tourist attraction multiple times? Sweetheart, I think if we go to Madame Tussaud’s a third time, we’ll really understand the wax figures more in depth. ONTO THE BOOK DEPOSITORY.

c. Nice coverage at the goal line on Wes Welker, Ray Lewis.

Way to go, BOY.

I love offensive coordinator Greg Roman’s brain.

So soft and mushy. I bet if I stuck my peepee in it, it would feel AMAZING.

He comes up with some weird stuff, confusing stuff…

WEIRD! “Guys, we’re running exclusively out of the weird formation today. NOW GO!”

2. I think this is what I didn’t like about championship weekend:

UNDERDONE CARROTS.

a. The traffic on US 101 at 4:20 p.m. Friday.

Holy shit, really? Who does this matter to besides you?

In rain varying from steady to a heavy mist, it took me 2 hours and 55 minutes to drive 43 miles from the 49ers headquarters in Santa Clara to my hotel in downtown San Francisco. One crazy, maddening ride.

Indeed. Who knew that there would be traffic in a major metropolitan area during an enormous sporting event? AND DID YOU KNOW THAT HOTELS AROUND CANDLESTICK CHARGED MORE ON SATURDAY NIGHT? I’m really worried about America, people.

I think if I’m a Rams fan, and I’m already skittish and skeptical about my team’s long-term future, and not really thrilled about what I just saw in a 2-14 season, how do you think I’m going to react when I hear the best of the eight games on my home schedule in 2012 — New England and Tom Brady at home, likely the last time in his fabulous career that Brady will ever play in St. Louis — has been shipped to London?

RAMS FAN: When does baseball season start? Also, what happens when you fry a fried pretzel?

Let the record show that if the Rams-Pats game is shipped to Wembley, the only Brady game in the Edward Jones Dome will be the 40-22 New England victory in 2004

NOOOOOOOOOOO! People of Earth, we are missing out on the classic RAMS/PATS rivalry, that dates all the way back to the 2001, when fate xeroxed itself and the Pats won their first Super Bowl! Don’t you see how important it is for EVERY team to play against Tom Brady every year? He’s the whole reason we live and breathe! We need to clone him and send him out to all the far corners of the world, so that every town can lead the league in Bradyness!

… unless Brady becomes the first 43-year-old starting quarterback in the NFL since George Blanda. He’d be 43 the next time New England is slated to play the Rams on the road.

He’ll never play the Rams or Redskins again?! REPUGNANT. Now you’re telling the people of St. Louis that they’ll have to watch Tom Brady play on TV, instead of paying top dollar to watch him in a terrible stadium? THIS IS BULLSHIT. I feel sick about the whole “the NFL schedule is perfectly balanced” business.

I think the best outside-the-box thinking about football this season comes from noted 93-year-old American poet Lawrence Ferlinghetti.

XEROX OF FATE

a poem by Larry Ferly

A leaf rustles in the wind
A dog tarries ’round his owner
Is this every day?
The Giants play defense good

“Seriously, they have to do something to change the basic rules of the game,” he (said).

It needs more coupleting.

“I prefer European soccer.”

WHAT THE FUCK WHY ARE YOU LISTENING TO THIS PERSON?

“It’s much more interesting than American football. It’s like chess when you really pay attention to it. The more you know about it, the more interesting it gets.”

It’s so INTERESTING, and it becomes more INTERESTING the more you are INTERESTED in it. I’m a poet.

“Football is just not that interesting.”

HOLY FUCK. Oh yeah, that’s some real out-of-the-box thinking right there. Hey guys, here are some pretty cool ideas about football from some literary prick who hates football. Most INTERESTING thing I’ve heard in a while!

“Every time they line up, it’s going to either be a run or a pass.”

I know! There are only TWO plays in every NFL playbook!

This is why I don’t like poetry. Every time you read it, it’s gonna be either a WORD or SOME OTHER WORD. Pretty fucking boring, if you ask me. Lawrence Ferlinghetti is a piece of shit.

I think there’s a reason the franchise in this town has been good, and bad, and good again, and it revolves around just that — teaching the quarterback you have.

There’s your PK Butchered Sentence of the Week. That’s what Peter does with language. He butchers it.

Marco Scutaro to the Rockies for Clayton Mortensen, a bottom-of-the-rotation candidate. Stupid, stupid, stupid trade.

Once the Red Sox come into play, Peter actually has opinions.

Did GM Ben Cherington watch the end of the Red Sox season, when Scutaro played hurt and played brilliantly — the best player on the team over the last two weeks (when the team was dying and drinking) other than Jacoby Ellsbury, at a time when too many big-money players stunk up the joint?

If you hate Scutaro, you hate America.

He obviously was undervalued by a team that now seems to value more the guys who drink in the clubhouse in the seventh inning than those scratching and clawing to try to win games.

Garbage in my airplane seat, traffic, bad Red Sox trades… THE WORLD IS FUCKED. I wonder what Lawrence Ferlinghetti would make of all this!

Do not lose your zeal, Shannon Magrane. I’m no American Idol fan, but I did see this the other night, and Magrane is one cool, confident kid — like her dad, former Cardinals pitcher Joe Magrane. Interesting clip.

INTERESTING! Welcome to Interestingwood, Shannon.

f. Check out this piece by CSN’s Matt Maiocco on the kindness of inactive 49er cornerback Shawntae Spencer.

g. Now there’s a guy who’s showing teammates how to pass it on — the right way — the way Bryant Young showed him.

A. And here’s your weekly misuse

a. of bullet points

b. HEY LOOGIT! These add space and make the column seem longer!

Tried a latte at Blue Bottle Coffee in the San Francisco Ferry building Saturday — and it was worth the 15-minute wait in line. I’ve been to two of these individual coffee makers in San Francisco now, and the care really shows in the product.

And barista knew my name! Whoa. Impressive.

This espresso was incredibly smooth, and the barista took 10 to 15 seconds making some sort of tree-like art on the foam.

IT WAS A SWASTIKA.

Didn’t much care about the artwork, but the coffee was great.

Quasi-Hitlery!

Beernerdness: Had a couple of Lagunitas New Dog Town Pale Ales on tap Saturday night. A beautiful caramel-colored ale, easy and delicious to drink, slightly…

Cirtrusy?

fruity.

BINGO BANGO! If only they made carrot beer.

When we last left professional cricket sideline reporter Peter King, he was reporting on things that Adam Schefter had reported on, marveling over naked homeless women breastfeeding on the subway, and paying tribute to the drafting prowess of Josh McDaniels. Oh, people of Denver: This wonderful man gave you what will be three wasted years trying to develop an option QB, AND he drafted Knowshon Moreno. STILL HATE HIM, YOU BITTER BOULDERITES?

So what about this week? Where is the grass slipperier today? Did Peter finally see Moneyball? And will Seattle finally get around to fixing the barista problem in New York? Don’t know how you fix this, Seattle, mostly because you are just a collection of people and you have nothing to do with the employee training at coffee franchises in an entirely different city. READ ON. You’re either gonna love this Fun with Peter King, or you’re gonna nap through it!

Here are two questions for you to start your Championship Week:

1. Which sports commissioner was “seeing red” when he was told that a certain SI reporter was watching him drink beers with DeMaurice Smith at the Radisson hotel bar?

2. Didn’t see “The Office” last week. Any good?

It takes a big story to throw the 49ers off the front page of Monday Morning Quarterback today…

But it’s not every day that you go on the kind of fishing trip that Jack Bowers and I went on. Let me show you some slides of the cabin we stayed in. They say that our place at Deep Creek was once used to house slaves during the Civil War. COMPELLING.

FOX counted eight Green Bay drops; I counted six.

I never thought I’d trust FOX as a source of information more than another entity, but here we are. Eight it is.

Non-playoff team bonus noteworthy event: Jeff Fisher didn’t choose against Miami as much as he chose St. Louis.

It’s a little early for our Peter King Butchered Sentence Of the Week, but how do you top that? It has everything: a colon, reverse logic, the idea that the second part of that sentence is somehow “noteworthy”… You’re telling me that Jeff Fisher picked the Rams because he picked the Rams? CRAZY.

If you sat open-mouthed when Alex Smith made that touchdown run, read this… he play I’ll never forget is that weird Alex Smith bootleg called by offensive coordinator Greg Roman.

SO WEIRD. Thank God I read that. I remember watching that play and being like, “HOLY SHIT! WHAT A FUCKING AWESOME PLAY! I HOPE PETER CALLS IT WEIRD TWO DAYS FROM NOW!”

Now for some full disclosure.

I gots the herps.

Weird harmonic convergence of sorts in the last couple of weeks.

Even weirder than a naked bootleg! In fact, you can use “weird” in virtually any circumstance and it works! It’s so WEIRD how good this salad is! You’re here on time, Jim! WEIRD! We’re all out of WEIRD pudding!

Let me explain.

My agent for television negotiations is a lawyer from California named Marvin Demoff, who has represented many high-profile players and coaches over the years. His son, Kevin Demoff, is the executive vice president of football operations and chief operations officer of the St. Louis Rams. I’ve known Kevin, through Marvin, since he was in college.

Instead of a proper graduation gift, I mentioned him in my column! Good gift. LOFTY GIFT.

Marvin Demoff is also the agent for Jeff Fisher, who is in the process of agreeing to terms on a contract to coach the Rams. Last week, Fisher was torn between the Rams and the Dolphins when making a final decision about where he wanted to coach in 2011 and beyond, and he chose the Rams, and I’m sure many people in the football business, and fans smart enough to see what was going on, thought: Of course Fisher went to St. Louis. Marvin Demoff is taking care of his son.

Now, full disclosure: Jeff Fisher and I share an agent. Now, allow me to explain to you why I’m the best person to explain how there couldn’t possibly be a conflict of interest here.

In other news, I know I may be biased, BUT JEFF FISHER CLIMBS MOUNTAINS BETTER THAN ANY OTHER MAN CLIMBS MOUNTAINS.

If you feel I’m incapable of being straight down the middle in covering the Fisher story, I understand.

If you feel like I’m completely full of shit, I understand. NOW HERE’S A BIG LOAD OF SHIT.

I wouldn’t try to convince you otherwise.

Except in the next eight paragraphs.

The larger story, though, seems to me to be the inference I’ve heard in some circles that the fix was in with Fisher and the two Demoffs. I spoke to Fisher last night about it. I’m not asking you to believe that this would be reported the same way if it were the Washington Post investigating whether this was an inside job.

I’m not asking you to pretend that this is JOURNALISM. That would be cray cray!

My interpretation, which I stated higher in this column, is that the fact that the Dolphins wanted to keep their GM-with-the-roster-power structure in place was a factor in Fisher choosing the Rams.

This is what you stated higher in the column:

Jeff Fisher didn’t choose against Miami as much as he chose St. Louis

Everyone! Please note Jeff Fisher didn’t choose against Miami so much as he chose against a GM-with-the-roster-power structure in Miami, which led him to St. Louis. I think.

Not the major factor, but a factor…

MAYBE!

The Tim Tebow story was fun while it lasted.

No it wasn’t. It was worse than puppy AIDS.

But now what?

Now? WE REJOICE.

I don’t subscribe to the school of thought that Tebow can’t succeed as a full-time NFL quarterback. We don’t know that for sure.

All we know is that he’s woefully inaccurate, struggles with quickly reading through his progression, and is prone to fumbling the ball. Could he become the next Drew Brees? Could he sprout wings and fly above the lands, sprinkling all of us with delicious chocolate jimmies? WHO KNOWS? I LACK THE ABILITY TO MAKE LOGICAL CONCLUSIONS.

1. (tie) New York Giants (11-7). Memories of 2007 are so valid they’re scary.

“Oh my God, Tim! This is a valid driver’s license you have! TERRIFYING IN ITS VALIDITY.”

9. Detroit (10-7). Looking at my rankings last week, I had the Lions lower than Denver and Atlanta. What was I thinking? Or smoking?

Man, my rankings sure are unreliable! In fact, they’re so useless, I failed to even grasp that I probably put Denver ahead of Detroit last week due to their differing results in the Wild Card round! I think I put Denver ahead because Marvin Demoff told me to.

11. Denver (9-9). Tebow’s losses (Detroit, New England, New England) can feel like the end of the world…

OH NO! TEBOW LOST! BUT HIS WINS WERE SUCH GOOD NUGGETS!

/watches as winged daemon flies out of nearby canyon, sets fire to the sky

…because Tebow’s inaccuracies make it difficult to sustain an offensive attack. But missing guard Chris Kuper hurt a lot.

I knew it! IT WAS THE FUCKING GUARD’S FAULT.

(Alex) Smith will never have to buy another Anchor Steam for the rest of his life.

Why would he, when there’s delicious Shock Top on tap? You don’t see that beer in many places!

(wait — do guys who went to Utah drink beer?)

O ho ho! Are the waves of grain in Iowa REALLY amber? I’m not sure.

/PoFlaWa’d

What’s the one thing the Texans, playing with a third-string quarterback and playing at a team that was perfect at home this year, couldn’t give Baltimore?

A set of stabbin’ knives?

A gift.

Oh.

Busy week for NFL referee Gene Steratore, who traveled a long way to go 21 miles between Tuesday and Saturday evenings.

Get out your iCals, everyone! It’s time for “Peter is impressed by the travel schedule of another person”!

On Tuesday, he reffed the Louisville-Providence Big East men’s basketball game in downtown Providence.

His train was going 100 miles an hour. Now, another train containing Bob Papa is going 80 miles an hour. What time will they meet in Wichita?

Steratore had to take a 2,978-mile detour to spend two working nights in eastern New England.

Semi-Niners-esque!

Busy Beaver, that Steratore.

/eyes low hanging fruit

/leaves it just for you, dear commenters

There is a Renaissance Hotel built into the Gillette Stadium complex.

Not a Conrad? HARUMPH!

A media friend of mine stayed there while on assignment for the Broncos-Patriots game over the weekend. On Friday night, his stadium-view room cost $299 plus tax. On Saturday, game day, the room went for $709.

No fucking way. Are you telling me that hotels charge more during usage times? EXTORTION.

Total bill for staying in a regular Marriott Hotel room for one evening: $791.95.

And no free coffee!

I can only hope his accounting department at work understands when he files an expense report for two nights at a Renaissance Hotel, and the bill for the room tops $1,100.

I know! Poor guy, who didn’t have to pay for his expensive hotel room and needed to only fill out a simple form to be reimbursed his $1,100! BUY THAT MAN A HOEGAARDEN.

“Here’s the crazy thing,” my buddy told me. “The place was sold out.”

GTFO! Are you telling me the hotel was sold out on game day? During the playoffs? That’s crazy talk. Next thing you’re going to tell me is that hotels charge more for larger rooms… OMG THEY DO!!!

Tweet of the Week II

– @DonnieWahlberg, actor and lover of all teams Boston, with a double-Tweet.

Shut the fuck up, Donnie.

Steratore’s a really good ref.

But he’s an even BETTER beaver.

I think this is what I didn’t like about the divisional playoffs:

a. The phrase “divisional playoffs.” Stupid title for the weekend.

Whatever happened to my idea of calling it Divisionville?

e. Michael Crabdrop.

f. Jermichael Findrop.

g. And don’t get me started on Jacoby Jonemuff!

And James Starks: You’ve got to pick up the rushing linebacker better than that, son.

Nothing pedantic about a middle aged white reporter calling a young black football player “son”!

/RaFlaWa’d

Bill Leavy. I must be the only guy in America who didn’t think his non-reversal on the Greg Jennings fumble or non-fumble was horrible.

You sure are, because that call was HORRIBLE.

I think I reserved the right to say I told you so when I picked Justin Smith as my 2011 NFL defensive player of the year, and so I’ll say it: I told you so.

I think I reserved the right to be a snotty asshole when I’m right about something. Just like when I told you to draft Tim Hightower in your fantasy draft! BUBBLY: POPPED.

I think the strangest call of the weekend came before the game started in Foxboro.

Or was it the WEIRDEST?!

Why on earth, Denver, would you defer when winning the coin toss?

So you get the ball to start the second half?

I think that was a very meaty story by the Kansas City Star’s Kent Babb about what he described to be the paranoia and insecurity he reports to be rampant in the offices of the Kansas City Chiefs under owner Clark Hunt and GM Scott Pioli.

MEATY BABB NUGGETS.

I think the Bucs could take 10 days to two weeks from now to hire a coach. Why, you ask? Why not?

If you can drag your feet for an extra two weeks to hire Mike Sherman, while allowing other teams to pick up talented assistants you could have hired, YOU DO IT.

Red Sox alive? Making any moves to combat the Yankees’ 13-man starting rotation? Bueller? Bueller? Bueller?

Thank God Peter brought this up, because here I was watching all these great games over the weekend and all I could think was WHY HASN’T BOBBY VALENTINE BANNED CHICKEN FROM THE CLUBHOUSE YET?!

Glad to have helped a few of you discover The Art of Fielding.

Do you people live under fucking trees?

Had four people this past week tell me they’re either reading it or have read it, and all agreed with me: Can’t put it down, and as good as the baseball stuff is, the life stuff is better.

Baseball, fine. Life, BETTER.

I saw a movie! Moneyball, and I liked it a lot.

Good to know, fuckface!

I’d ridiculed the casting of Philip Seymour Hoffman as A’s manager Art Howe, and though he didn’t look much like him other than atop the head, Hoffman had the personality and the dourness of a manager down pat.

Yes, who knew an Oscar winning actor would be able successfully portray another person?

g. Philip Seymour Hoffman: The Meryl Streep of male actors. He can do it all.

He’s the Bogart of male actors!

h. Missed the Golden Globes. What’d I miss?

THE GOLDEN GLOBES. You think you missed them because you did!

So I was in Boston over the weekend, and I walked into one of my three former Starbucks there…

Dunno how you fix this, Seattle. One Starbucks didn’t supply enough liquefied egg yolks for Peter. He needed THREE of those fuckers.

…and the gal behind the counter, who I recognized, pointed to me and said: “Triple grande hazelnut latte.” Wow. Impressive.

AMAZING. FANTASTIC. Who knew a common clerk would be able to recognize a man whom she seen presumably hundreds of times before, a man who also appears on television? SHE MUST BE LIKE THAT RETARDED KID ON KIEFER’S NEW SHOW. Get that girl a position in the Falcons’ front office! I think the karma gods are gonna have a lot of good things in store for you, missy!

So I was in Boston over the weekend, and I went to the House of Blues Friday night to see the Peter Gammons band play Rolling Stones covers.

Worst night out ever.

A good time was had by all — particularly getting reacquainted with Harpoon IPA. The Harpoon line can’t be beat.

And Alex Smith never has to buy one again!

When we last left Josh Bickford biographer Peter King, he was maybe almost kinda considering splitting his vote for MVP into portions so small that they can only exist for a billionth of a second and may or may not be the key to unlocking the secrets of extra physical dimensions of the universe. Also, he drank some wine.

So what about this week? I noticed that the teaser on the front page of SI.com for MMQB uses the phrase “the Tebow saga,” which is perfect, since Tim Tebow is EXACTLY like “Twilight.” He has a dedicated legion of fans who scare other people. He’s been remarkably successful despite the fact that critics don’t think he’s any good. And his story has gone on wayyyyyy too long. Let’s see what Peter thinks of all this… TEBOWVILLEMANIALANDNESS. READ ON.

Let me get some of the news of the weekend to you first, then get on to the dramatic non-game story of the weekend: the fight to beat tongue and throat cancer by veteran referee Tony Corrente, who worked Detroit-New Orleans Saturday night.

Did he cancer treatments rob him of the ability to prevent inadvertent whistles on important fumbles?

I keed, I keed. I hope he gets better. Seriously though, the officiating in that game was a steaming hot bowl of Joan Rivers’ pussy runoff.

If I were (Josh) McDaniels, I wouldn’t pick my nose Saturday night. CBS will have an iso camera on him all night, wherever he is.

He’ll be up in the booth, firing all the other assistants and replacing them with his cousins. When you run a Josh McDaniels offense, is there really anyone else better qualified to teach that offense than Cousin Charlie from Reno?

Josh McDaniels is basically Pat Webb from “Casino”.

On the night of that draft, in April 2010, I remember distinctly two phone conversations.

I remember them because I taped them, typed out the transcripts, and then read them aloud to Brett Favre at his bedside!

One was with Tebow, who said Denver was where he wanted to be drafted, and McDaniels the coach he wanted to play for. “I told [agent] Jimmy [Sexton] all along that I wanted to play for this guy,” Tebow said. “His whole attitude is he believes in himself, and he’s going to do it his way. I like that.”

You mean he’s arrogant AND he’s autocratic? SIGN ME UP.

But after what we witnessed on draft day 20 months ago, and the magic we saw Sunday, one question:

Still hate Josh McDaniels, Denver?

Don’t you feel bad, Denver? Don’t you feel great shame for running this poor, poor man out of town when all he did was trade away all the good players and lose a shitload of games? I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY WITH YOURSELF TODAY, DENVER. Maybe you could learn a thing or two from New York about leading the league in loyalty.

Now Jeff Fisher takes a day to pick the Rams or Dolphins. After spending five hours at the Rams’ practice facility in suburban Earth City, Mo., Sunday, the former Titans coach returned to Nashville to consider his options. By Tuesday, I expect he’ll have figured out whether St. Louis or Miami is the best place for him.

“Hmm. Should I live in Miami, or St. Louis? SUCH A HARD CHOICE.”

-A fucking idiot

Seriously though, I’m not quite sure why two teams are fighting so vehemently over Jeff Fisher. You know that guy didn’t win a Super Bowl, right? And that he’s kinda old and shit?

I said Saturday the Bucs want an authority figure to clean up Raheem Morris’ mess, and they like former Packer and Texas A&M coach Mike Sherman.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I’ll let Spencer Hall explain Mike Sherman:

He’s a B-grade coach, and born to go like 10-6. He’s a Kia. It’s the 2-4 playoff record of minivan choices.

As Adam Schefter reported…

Good nugget, Adam!

Kansas City is likely to keep Romeo Crennel as the permanent coach after he went 2-1 as the interim man.

2-1! SUCH A HUGE AND DEFINITIVE SAMPLE SIZE. I fully expect the Chiefs to go 10.66-5.34 next season, provided the NFL finally allows teams to split victories, which Peter prays they will.

In another weird play…

COMPELLING.

…Brees, on a 4th-and-a-foot call, leaped over the line, stuck the ball out long enough to get the ball past the first-down marker, then pulled it back as he was swarmed by the Lions. Looked like he voluntarily pulled it back, which, of course, would have meant he didn’t have the forward progress for the first down. But the officials on the field gave him forward progress.

Not only that, I’m virtually certain that Brees fumbled the ball before he hit the ground on that play. Again, pussy runoff.

“I thought the expectations here got out of control,” (Dean) Spanos told me the other day.

“People wanted us to WIN, which I thought was a bit nutty.”

“We did not have good drafts in ’07, ’08 and ’09, and so we’ve been set back a little by that. I thought we had a good nucleus with a great quarterback who Norv has done a great job with. But I didn’t think we had a great team. Should I blow it up, get rid of the coaches and the general manager…”

YES!!! WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK RAN ALL THOSE HORRIBLE DRAFTS?! IT WAS YOUR COCKSUCKER GM!

“…with no guarantee on anything coming in here? I thought that would have been a mistake, and I thought they deserved another chance.”

WHY? You just said yourself that they fucked up for the past FOUR YEARS. How does that merit another chance? The Chargers are FUCKED.

“This is all a guess.”

Holy shit, Dean Spanos is Peter’s favorite NFL owner.

(Corrente’s) doctor in California, Susan Sleep, set him up with an ear, nose and throat specialist, who snaked a camera through his nose to look at everything.

Too bad you aren’t Peter King, Tony. You would have gotten that colonoscopy of the nose for FREE.

Corrente found it interesting…

WEIRD.

2. New Orleans (14-3). The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. In San Francisco, however, grass is often more slippery that (sic) elsewhere.

And there’s your Peter King Tortured Sentence of the Week. People, a bird in the hand is NOT worth two in the bush. But in San Francisco, MAYBE, a bush is often dewier and therefore perhaps kinda more amenable to bird hospitality something something JOHN LACKEY.

4. New England (13-3). How weird it’ll be to see Josh McDaniels walk into Gillette Stadium today.

IT WON’T BE WEIRD! HE FUCKING WORKED THERE FOR YEARS! IT WILL BE COMPLETELY NORMAL AND UTTERLY EXPECTED. IT WON’T EVEN BE INTERESTING, YOU DICK.

Smart move by owner Steve Bisciotti to give director of player personnel Eric DeCosta a rich, multi-year contract, for general manager money… The grass wouldn’t have been greener anywhere else.

But it might have been more slippery!

I don’t know how you watch that (DEN/PIT) game — that event…

THAT PARABLE OF MODERN TIMES.

… — in Denver Sunday evening and think the Tebow Broncos aren’t the best, coolest, most fun story in the NFL in years.

When they play like they played yesterday, it’s quite fun to watch. When they played like they played the week before, not so much.

Andy Reid’s job one: whether to replace defensive coordinator Juan Castillo with Steve Spagnuolo.

Only in Andy Reid’s world is this a decision that requires lengthy deliberation.

Offensive Players of the Week

Denver QB Tim Tebow. He wrecks games. Sometimes for the Broncos, but mostly for the opposition.

Sometimes his grass is greener on the other side, but it’s also well plowed. Wait, does that make sense?

Here’s an interesting note…

MAKE IT STOP!

/squeezes sides of own head to induce pain

…about the final eight teams left in the Super Bowl derby: Only one, Denver, starts a first-round running back.

No glory boy-type running backs? TMQ is ENGORGED.

New York subway story of the week: The other night around 8, I was on the E train in Manhattan, standing inside a fairly crowded car. At the Port Authority Bus Terminal stop, a woman got on at the far end of the car cradling something and saying over and over again in a pleading, accented voice, “Please. Please. Please.”

She was cradling a printout of MMQB and begging for the story about lunch with Terry Francona to end.

As she got closer, I could see was a woman of about 30…

Semi-30ish!

…and she held a cup and small sign out with one hand — the sign said she was homeless and needed money — and I couldn’t quite see what she had in the other arm until she got closer. It was a baby, maybe five months old, with mouth locked onto her breast, the woman making no effort to conceal the breast as she walked, looking every person in the train in the eye while saying, “Please.” I guess I’m not a hard-edged New Yorker yet. That was a startling, eye-opening experience.

Who knew that there were poor people openly soliciting on New York City subway trains? That’s not the sort of thing you see at Peet’s Coffee!

I will say something positive about the human race: From the looks of it, she collected $10 or so from our car in five minutes. After two stops, she got off and went to the next car.

HUMANITY: SOLVED. This woman may be a symbol of the desperate struggle of the poor and destitute… BUT WE GAVE HER TEN BUCKS. And I think that pretty much tells you all you need to know about how great the world is. Between this and Tebow, I don’t know how we advance any farther as a species. This story was like an Upton Sinclair book, only with a happy ending in which the amputee meat plant worker is given a free danish.

By the way, Peter does not say anywhere in his story that HE was among those who gave the lady money. I hope he didn’t and then complimented humanity for giving the lady money when he abstained. That would be the most Peter King thing ever.

Tweet of the Week I

– @BrentCelek, the Philadelphia tight end. Human like the rest of us right after the Denver-Pittsburgh game.

Tim Tebow leads the league in humane game endings.

1. I think this is what I liked about Wild-Card Weekend…

b. Luv ya Blue!

I am soooo missing something here.

If you ask Bill Belichick which young college coach he thinks could be a very good pro coach, it’s the 45-year-old Greg Schiano.

GRUMBLE GRUMBLE I GUESS THAT RUTGERS FELLA IS OKAY SHUT UP I’M PLOWING YOUR GRANDMA WHILE WATCHING ALL-22 GAME FILM AND SHE’S TALKING MORE THAN I’D LIKE HER TO.

I think the Bengals obviously had no business being in the playoffs… One word for their play…

WEIRD?

disorganized.

HUZZAH!

I think this is what a close acquaintance of new Penn State coach Bill O’Brien told me when I asked what kind of college coach he will be… “I think he’ll be a great success.”

Maybe.

Let me completely ruin my source’s quote by adding my mandatory conditional language to it. I think.

I think Mike Sherman would be a perfect fit — today, for what the Bucs are and need right now.

Skip the tortured grammar here for a moment (I think Peter dropped a circus peanut onto the keyboard to make that double dash), I’m not sure why Peter decided to go around randomly championing bad ex-coaches for new jobs. THE CHIEFS SHOULD HIRE ROMEO CRENNEL! THE BUCS SHOULD HIRE MIKE SHERMAN! YOU KNOW, THAT DAVE SHULA COULD WORK WELL WITH SAM BRADFORD. MAYBE.

I read The Art of Fielding, a book that sounds like it’s about baseball and is.

JEEEEEEESUS. It sounds like a book because I said I “read” it and it is!

.. and is also about a lot more.

NO WAY. I couldn’t have imagined that an acclaimed novel that was reviewed by major publications, who noted that it’s about a lot more than baseball, would be about more than just baseball.

I’m a baseball fan, as you may know, and I thought I would like this book mostly because of the smart baseball writing.

I thought it was an almanac of some sort! Turns out it had characters and stuff!

I know I come off like Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino saying this…

There is no situation in which you come off like Clint Eastwood.

“We all have it coming, kid. I think.”

“Go ahead, make my day. Or, if you don’t feel like making my day, feel free to not make it. Sometimes, the grass is slippier on the other side of my day.”

“Do you feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk? Well, you probably feel lucky because you ARE lucky.”

…but I cared nothing about the succession of games last week that could well have been a bunch of Weed Whacker Bowls.

College football? BORING. Let me tell you about baseball.. IN PRINTED FORM.

I’m making plans to go see cricket in the spring in England.

Oh, there is NO better match of sport and personality than that.

I’ve been told I’m going to either love it or nap through it.

I just… Christ almighty, this is a worse indictment of our society than the homeless breastfeeding titty woman.

But my brother, who lives in England, has caught the bug big time, and usually what he likes, I like.

“Say Peter, ol’ chap! Fancy a cricket match, perhaps? Well, I’ve heard tale of a LOFTY minor league cricket stadium out in the Cotswolds that blokes around there find quite INTERESTING. Although I do wish I could see these teams play on a neutral field in LUTON.”

Don’t know how you fix this, Seattle.

He’s talking to cities again.

But the latte quality, overall, in New York Starbucks stores is significantly worse than in Boston or Montclair, where the stores are rarely as crowded as the packed ones in New York. Just a word to the wise.

You hear that, entire city of Seattle? The inferiority of Starbucks chains in New York as compared to other places in the Northeast where assholes live is YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM. Now, I know this’ll be tough for you to pull off, seeing as how the windscape of Seattle is located all the way up there in the Yukon Territories. I’d ask Denver to help you, but they’re busy writing that apology note to Josh McDaniels that I requested.

Who knew a Manhattan coffee shop would be crowded? ONLY IN NEW YORK, GANG.

Always nice to go into an everyday bar, as we did at our NBC Football Night in America wrap party Saturday night in Manhattan, and have a good choice of beer on tap.

WE ARE FAMOUS BUT WE GO TO EVERYDAY BARS BECAUSE WE’RE STILL VERY MUCH SALT-OF-THE-EARTH NUGGETEERS.

I chose Hoegaarden, a wheat beer, with…

Withhhhhhh?

…a lemon.

CITRUS!!!!!

I could have done without the annual shot of tequila, though. Why do I always do that?

Because Dungy will call you a fag if you don’t?

What a loser I am. Still haven’t seen Moneyball or The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.

OH NO! Let’s get Seattle on that right away.

Goodbye, Jorge Posada. Always admired you, even when you helped wreck so many lives on The Night Grady Little Ruined The ALCS in 2003.

Eat shit.

When we last left the Earl Dittman of NFL writers, Peter King, he was getting free health care late at night, mourning dead people who were so good, they could have come from Pittsburgh, and bitching about Starbucks becoming too homogenized. I don’t quite know how Peter can get worse, but after reading him give the blessings of the karma gods to his Indian doctor (I assume the karma God in India is some kind of eight-legged girl elephant), NOTHING WILL EVER SURPRISE ME AGAIN.

So what about this week? Did Romeo Crennel fire up the Chiefs by holding a matinee showing of “Bravehearted”? Did Peter’s niece ever apologize to him for making him drive four hours from her stupid winter concert? Will Dr. Z ever be healthy enough to skewer Jerry Sandusky properly? READ ON. I don’t just think this column will be painful, I KNOW IT.

MVP race gets interesting in unpredictable final week to season

That’s your headline. Peter keeps using the word INTERESTING any chance he gets, which is WEIRD. You could almost say it WEIRDTERESTING.

This is going to be a different column.

You mean you’re going to be talking about FOOTBALL?

Hang on through the opening bit, and you’ll see why.

Listen, just hang on with me while I talk about the Red Sox and collecting my expense reports and catching up on “The Office” on the DVR. Because at the end, there will be a special TWIST, where I talk about the fecal infection I got from my dentist.

…it’ll be interesting to see if that’s all there is to (Hines Wards’) career…

STOP USING THAT WORD.

I asked for your (MVP) votes Sunday night between 7 p.m. and 1 a.m. Eastern time, and more than 1,800 of you voted. The results:

1. Derek Jeter 1,701
2. Mitch Puin 99 (all from my IP address)

Drew Brees, Saints 762
Aaron Rodgers, Packers 494

Hmm. That’s a curious result, given Rodger’s status as the MVP frontrunner all season long. You might even say it’s… intriguing? Fascinating? Attention-grabbing?

Interesting, but not surprising.

DO YOU NOT OWN A FUCKING THESAURUS? Or will you only get one if someone gives it to you for fucking free?

Amazing that sitting Sunday would do so much to affect the race. Or might do so much to affect the race.

Amazing that Rodgers’ sitting would have such an impact on the MVP voting, even though it might not have any impact on the MVP voting.

As @joshbickford wrote with his vote for Brees: “Matt Flynn changes my vote to Drew Brees.”

Oh well, IF JOSH BICKFORD SAYS IT. By the way, Josh Bickford isn’t, like, an MVP voter or anything. He’s just some idiot. I’m so glad we included THE BICKFORD FACTOR before we came to any hasty conclusions about who should and shouldn’t be MVP. Let’s make sure we heard from some random asshole who tweets like he’s Skip Bayless.

In other words, the sick performance by Flynn in relief of the resting Rodgers could well have the effect of leaking votes from Rodgers and giving them to Brees.

Totally plausible outcome. And you know how I know that? BECAUSE JOSH BICKFORD SAID SO. What other evidence could you possibly need? As Josh Bickford goes, so goes a crazy little planet called Earth.

If a rusty backup like Flynn can throw for 480 yards with six touchdowns piloting the Green Bay offense, doesn’t that diminish what Rodgers has been able to do all season?

“Yes.”

-Retarded people

The MVP dilemma. Brees made it a horse race, and more than that.

It’s a horse race… ONLY THE HORSES ARE ALSO CARRYING GUNS.

I struggled with what to do with my vote, one of 50 for the annual Associated Press NFL awards and All-Pro team.

You mean Peter had a hard time being decisive about something? I’m stunned. I mean, I think I’m stunned. In fact, I don’t just think it, I know it. MAYBE. It depends on how he votes.

I could go Brees, or I could go Rodgers…

…or I could keep my thumb in my butt!

…or I could, as I’ve done before, split my vote half and half.

VOTE TALLIER: Sir! Mr. King split his vote into sixteenths again! And who is this “Rodgersish” player he mentions?

I thought a lot about doing that, and I can see why some voters might do that.

This kind of decision was a hard one! So I decided to take a walk to think things over. And on my walk, I stopped to get some JUICE! Only they didn’t have Adam & Eve apple juice, so I got Mott’s! Then I saw a pigeon! Then I saw a group of blue men picking up trash on the sidewalk! Heckuva city you run, Mayor Bloomberg!

Sometime after 5 this morning, I finalized my call.

PEDROIA.

I decided not to split the vote, because I thought it would be a cop out. I felt I had to make a decision. And I picked Rodgers. Four reasons:

1. Had dinner with him at the Capitale Grill. So many stories.

2. Big fan of Bud Light Lime

3. THINK OF ALL THE TRAVELING HE HAD TO DO THIS YEAR

4. He had the best season ever. MAYBE.

As for the Flynn performance, I think it could be evidence that it’s the system and the supporting cast as much as the player that makes the quarterback in Green Bay.

No, it couldn’t. You’re an idiot. Green Bay QBs do not lead the league in assembly line-ness.

So You Think You’re a 2011 Expert?

Well, it WAS a busy time for death. That Steve Jobs… He coulda been a Yinzer, I tell ya.

Take the first annual (oh, no — now you’re going to hold me to that) Peter King NFL Year-in-Review Quiz.

Oh ho ho! My new feature will become so popular that you’re gonna make me do it again next year even though I’d rather be out at minor league games with Ross Tucker! WHY MUST AMERICA WORK ME LIKE A DOG?

Think you know what happened since the last Super Bowl?

Steve Jobs died! bin Laden got got! Herman Cain something something!

Then you should ace this. Fifty questions, with no time limit…

Okay, I’m ready. HIT ME.

4. Five hours after the players and owners broke off talks in March in the nation’s capital, which two negotiators were seen at the Westend Bistro in Washington with five empty beers bottles on the table — and, I might add, were not very happy to be seen?

Oh, I see. This is a quiz about how much random, name-droppy shit Peter accumulated in the past year. WELL, NO ONE OUT-NUGGETS ME. I think I can add a few queries of my own:

-Which brotherly hip Boston nightspot could use a little work on their cafe au lait preparation?

-Which team spent this season being to football what John Lackey was to free agency?

-Chicken in baseball clubhouses: Fair… OR FOWL?!

-Which is the second best team in football? (Trick question: There is no second best team. Except New Orleans)

-Which deceased NFL owner was part Howard Hughes, part Steve Jobs, part Judge Kenesaw Mountain Landis, part grasshopper?

-How many times can you visit the Texas Book Depository and still learn something?

-Which CNN-watching Falcons GM actually failed First Grade in Draftology 101 the first time he took it?

7. An NFL kicker competed in the Preakness Cornhole Tournament in the infield at the famed horse race in Baltimore. Which kicker?

Answer? I DON’T GIVE A SHIT.

16. According to commissioner Roger Goodell, a female is likely to be doing something in an NFL game for the first time in league history within three years. What will a female be likely to do?

Relay a useful sideline report?

22. What coach took his team to the Tomb of the Unknowns at Arlington National Cemetery the day before playing a road game at Washington this year?

Jim Harbaugh. Can you believe that the Niners only get to visit DC every few years? WE ARE DEPRIVING OUR DEAD TROOPS OF A VALUABLE ANNUAL VISIT FROM NAVARRO BOWMAN.

Not to rain on the Pats’ top-seeded parade or anything, but foes threw for 4,703 yards on New England this year. That’s so bad it’s almost scandalous

Just call it scandalous. It’s okay. No one’s gonna be like, “Scandalous? KING HAS GONE TOO FAR!”

Quote of the Week I

– Washington offensive coordinator Kyle Shanahan captured before the team’s loss in the season finale at Philadelphia by Comcast SportsNet Washington.

It’s funny because he doesn’t know what he’s doing.

“Sam is an extremely talented player. Nothing that’s happened this year has changed Sam Bradford’s future or his outlook going forward…”

– St. Louis offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels, on Sam Bradford’s sophomore-jinx of a second season in the NFL.

McDaniels later added, “I hope I’m retained long enough to cut him, and then hire my brother.”

1. I think this is what I liked about Week 17:

a. Romeo Crennel’s job performance, which has to be one of the best by an interim coach in recent years… He deserves the full-time gig.

So true. Why NOT give the job to a guy with a career record of 26-41? What do you have to lose, apart from 41 games?

b. Telling Stat of the Day, from my NBC partner Joe Gesue: Steve Spagnuolo has lost more games in three regular seasons, 38, than Bill Belichick has lost in the last 10 regular seasons (37).

That’s not a telling stat at all. If you want to do a fair comparison, you should go by Belichick’s FIRST three seasons as a head coach, when he lost 28 games. “Hey, here’s telling stat that compares a relatively new head coach with a Hall of Famer in his prime! INTERESTING.”

d. What a catch by Steve Smith, with Gumby-like use of his feet on the sideline.

Semi-Elastigirlesque!

If this is it in Coltville for Reggie Wayne and Robert Mathis… they went out well.

Where will they go next? Who knows? Maybe Tebowtown. Maybe Vickville. But I think there could be a bit of Skeltonburg in Wayne’s future!

I think it’d be an upset if Crennel doesn’t return as full-time Chiefs coach…

Our poor commenter Otto Man. Pray for him today, and then offer a conservative viewpoint so that he can come back with a 2,000-word argument explaining why you’re a shithead.

I think here are some 2012 schedule highlights…

The Pats don’t play in the Bay Area! OUTRAGEOUS.

Tough road for the Niners next year. The Rex Ryan Jets (angry, I presume) on the road, along with Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees and Tom Brady … all away from home.

In fact, the Niners have to play EIGHT games away from home, which is just an insane number. I’ve never seen a team have to endure that kind of grueling schedule. They even have to fly to Seattle, which we all know is in Alaska.

a. Haven’t seen Girl With the Dragon Tattoo yet.

NO! THE ICE CAPS ARE MELTING NOW!!! EVACUATE SEATTLE!

Dying to.

Literally?

Figuratively.

Phew! Thanks for clarifying! Only Dr. Kata would have been able to cure you if that had been the case!

e. That was a rough movie to watch the other night, The Hours.

“Didn’t know you were about AIDS, ‘Philadelphia’.”

“Whoa hey, what’s with all the slavery, ‘Amistad’? I didn’t hear about you when I was in Nashville.”

“I think you might have been a little overrated, ‘Schindler’s List.’”

Had no idea what it was.

How fucking hard is it to press INFO on your remote?

That’ll sober you up in a hurry. How brilliant is Meryl Streep?

Oh, she’s our Bogart. For sure. Be with us six years from now, when Peter finds out that “Shame” features too much of Michael Fassbender’s cock.

I could watch her plant a garden.

Which would be the cinematic equivalent of reading this column.

Coffeenerdness: To the woman in the East Side Starbucks who put a white cream mask of some sort on her face while nursing a coffee the other day and reading the paper … I mean, gross.

NOTE: That woman was actually DeMaurice Smith in disguise, praying Peter wouldn’t recognize him. MISSION: ACCOMPLISHED.

i. Winenerdness … and no, I’m not starting this as a column staple…

Why not? There’s already coffeenerdness, beernerdness, Soxnerdness, DogNardness, and a fucking trivia quiz about who you’ve seen in restaurants.

…but I did want to praise Dan Patrick…

MY FRIEND AT NBC!

…for introducing me to Hollywood & Vine cabernet, which we’ve had at some NBC Saturday night dinners this year.

ALL EXPENSES PAID BECUASE WE’RE AWESOME.

Had it the other night, and I was reminded how good it was — smooth with a strong taste of blackberry.

Oh, you’re so full of shit.

When we last left NBC shill, Peter King, things were really getting interesting in Tebowland.

So what about this week? Will Peter have any cost-prohibitive wine recommendations? How many Pro Bowl free agents will it take to make the Rams a good coaching destination? Who has Peter underrated this week? The answers might shock you. READ ON.

The sixth seed? Only 943 possibilities, give or take a dozen, but the Bengals clinch it with a home win over Baltimore (anyone in Cincinnati care?)

Only 47,224, give or everyone who watches their games on television.

Now on to everything else, including a personally historic day by Mr. Discount Double-Check,

my annual harangue about the prospect of an 18-game schedule

Followed by his annual harangue about meringue (it lacks yolkiness).

the unexpected MVPs of the Giants behind Eli Manning

Would you believe there are nine of them?

Adrian Peterson’s Christmas nightmare

A WiFi-only iPad 2?

and Minnesota’s enduring Christmas gift…

Personal hotspots for everyone with a shredded knee!

Meaningless, too: the whole Kansas City-gave-the-league-a-blueprint-on-beating-the-Packers thing

Ah yes, the hope-Rodgers-has-a-rare-off-day gambit.

I’ll tell you the blueprint — keep the Packers defense on the field and keep Rodgers off it.

Meaningless, too: the whole Peter King-gave-the-league-a-blueprint-on-beating-the-Packers thing.

Why the Rams have the best job out there

Bear with me, it’s about to get pretty iffy in here.

St. Louis will lead the NFL in cap room.

Cap room and improve-ability.

I know, I know. Many of you are saying the San Diego job, or the Miami job, will be better.

I know I’m wrong, but bear with me while I make this drawn out point.

But think of the Rams if Bradford returns to 2010 form — and there’s no reason to think he won’t, unless you believe he’s too brittle, which is possible.

There’s no reason to think he won’t return to 2010 form, except for this perfectly reasonable reason why he won’t.

and think what happens if the Rams can sign three or four very good players (Calais Campbell? Arian Foster? Mario Williams? Cliff Avril?) in the next two years.

To sum up, the Rams job could be great if their injury-prone franchise player stops getting hurt and the team goes out and signs a few of the best players in the league. It’s hard to imagining such a scenario not playing out.

And here’s where I’ll note the 11 current lawsuits (that may morph into one large class-action suit sometime this winter) by players claiming the NFL hasn’t done enough to address the issue of head trauma and concussions in the game… My theory is these cases are not going away.

Inspector King has a theory.

Why tempt fate by adding more games to a sport that already is risky enough, and making 10 tons of money?

I agree completely. Especially because we don’t even know what 10 tons of money is worth. Get us back on the gold standard so we can properly evaluate the risks versus reward.

1. Green Bay (14-1). The Pack’s been held under 21 points once in the last 19 games. You’re going to have to score in the 30s to have a chance against them in January…

The Packers are rarely held under 21 points, so you have to score a minimum of 30 to beat them. Except for those four weeks where they scored in the mid-20′s.

The Detroit secondary is proving a lot of folks, me included, dead wrong right now. Clinging, aggressive coverage.

Not unlike Peter’s new Nike Dri-FIT Pro underwear.

13. Carolina (6-9). They’ve won four of the last five, and even though two came against the (counterfeit) Bucs, this is one steamrolling offense right now.

Frauds.

Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me

Here we go!

The following men have been head coach of the football team at the University of Pittsburgh in the last 13 months:

Jesus. I went to Pitt and even I don’t give a shit.

Travel time from Manhattan, via car, 125 miles to my niece’s winter concert in Connecticut, late in the afternoon on a mid-December Thursday: 3 hours, 43 minutes.

We’ve come to the part of the column where Peter makes his niece feel bad for making him travel nearly four hours for her lackluster performance of Greensleeves.

How was McCown out of football and coaching high school five weeks ago?

Hmmm.

m. Marshall Newhouse, I underrated you. Sorry.

Caribou Coffee awaits its apology.

c. The Houston defense. Don’t tell me it’s all missing Wade Phillips either.

Enough of your excuses, defense playing without its coordinator and its best player.

d. Tim Tebow. Did he use up all his professional football karma in two months?

Tebow doesn’t believe in karma, and Peter doesn’t really know how it works.

America’s got Ryan fatigue.

Looking at you, Seacrest.

5. I think my money’s on the Rams to win the first-pick lottery.

Not if David Stern has anything to say about it.

9. I think the defensive player of the year award is going to come down to Sunday night. Five or six strong candidates.

Yes, by all means base your final selection for a season-long award on a mostly meaningless Week 17.

Would you believe I saw Elf for the first time the other night?

That’s it? No review? Did you not find Zooey Deschanel to be enchanting?

b. Michael Jordan is neither charismatic or effective in his Hanes commercials.

Would you believe I saw that commercial for the first time the other night?

c. Ditto Jennifer Lopez in the Fiat ones … because no one believes she’s driving a Fiat, alone, in sketchy New York neighborhoods.

Graffiti + pickup basketball = SKETCH

d. Mike Tirico, did you really say last night, “World Peace with the bucket” in the Lakers-Bulls game? I am extremely impressed you can say that without laughing out loud.

Nary a guffaw.

e. Metta World Peace, formerly Ron Artest.

I think that’s not a thought.

f. I know I’m prejudiced, and I get a paycheck from NBC…

[disregards everything that follows]

. Highlight for me in the second episode the other night: the focus on concussions, and on the exam of Flyers top scorer Claude Giroux. You see the team doctor asking Giroux if he’s having any trouble texting. Cool stuff. That’s the kind of stuff that makes these shows must-see TV.

Peter’s threshold for must-see TV is admittedly low, but asking a concussion victim about his ability to text seems about right.

h. Coffeenerdness: You’re too homogenized already, Starbucks. And now you make your packaging on the pounds of coffee all the same now, with only the words on the front different. Why? The bags used to be distinctive and recognizable. Now you’ve done what you do with the boring pastries, making them the same in San Jose as they are in Manhattan.

But how do they look in Wichita?

i. Beernerdness: Can I give a wine shoutout?

Only if it’s properly labeled as Winenerdness.

Had a glass of the Rubicon Captain’s Reserve cab with Christmas Eve dinner. And I’ll be back for more, Mr. Coppola.

Time to step your game up, Mr. Vermeil.

When we last left Colt McCoy’s publicist, Peter King, he had a great deal of stunning in his voice at the fact that the Patriots only get to play in Washington once every decade or so. What the Hell, NFL schedulemaker? Don’t you know that America craves that game on an annual basis, preferably shown on NBC? He was also openly studying Tim Tebow’s media schedule (Interesting nugget: IT’S BORING AND POINTLESS), envisioning a Coen Brothers Tebow movie (hopefully featuring Albert Finney mowing Tebow down with a Thompson), and reporting on the semi-heart attackish chest pains experienced by Mike Smith. BUT HE SEEMED SO HEALTHY! Until his chest exploded, that is.

So what about this week? Will Peter’s plane have WiFi? Will Tim Tebow lead the league in defining the word Tebow? And can Peter help us find a way out of Tiebreakerland? READ ON.

Crennel’s Chiefs take the spotlight in an interesting Week 15

There’s your headline. Get ready to see the word “interesting” a whole lot more today. For Peter, the word “interesting” is not just interesting, it’s COMPELLING.

Making the playoff math look nice and easy with two weeks to play…

Good. I’m ready. Gimme the scoopty, poopty.

NFC

Second seed. A 49er win tonight over Pittsburgh gives them the two seed.

Like, they clinch the two seed tonight if they win? Yeah no, that’s not true at all.

Kyle Orton riding into Denver in Week 17 to play the man who took his job, Tim Tebow — with the winner making the playoffs?….

TELL ME IT’S POSSIBLE. Nothing would make my dick harder than the chance to see the Chiefs and Broncos combine for six total passing yards, with the winner getting raped by Baltimore in the first round. You could do a Triple Lindy off my dick, it’s that engorged.

Maybe NBC finally gets the Tebow game it wanted so badly this weekend, this time with a playoff berth on the line.

And thank God for that! I know I spend every night praying that NBC, The Little Network That Could, gets a proper Sunday Night game featuring Tim Tebow. The fact NBC was ROBBED of the chance to show Tebow get curb-stomped by New England yesterday still gnaws at my guts.

We say it every year around this time, but this season’s really starting to get interesting.

MEGAinteresting.

Who are the Giants? The Jets?

And just who IS Harry Crumb?

Romeo Crennel finally tastes the Gatorade.

Pretty sure Romeo’s already well-acquainted with the taste of high fructose corn syrup.

In all his years assisting Bill Belichick and Bill Parcells, and his four years coaching the Browns, Crennel never got the bucket dumped over his head.

Have you seen Crennel’s head? You try finding the 60,000-gallon loose cement mixer barrel needed to douse that thing properly.

I told Crennel when he watches the tape, I thought he’d see a defense that played as hard as any in football Sunday.

“No question from me, Coach. Just thought I’d tell you that when you watch the tape tomorrow, you’ll see something that was glaringly obvious to you and everyone else already. You’ll also see that you won the game! CHAOSVILLE!”

“I’m glad you noticed that,” he said.

“I’m glad you wasted my time pointing that out, Peter.”

Crennel used The Gladiator to help get his team ready for this game.

That’s perfect. There’s your “Peter King is Jackie Harvey” nugget of the week. I’m glad the Chiefs were inspired by “The Gladiator,” but what about “The 300ish Guys”? I think that also would make for a spirited pregame film.

He’d seen it last weekend in the hotel, before the Chiefs played the Jets, and he took some Russell Crowe into the Saturday night team meeting with him. “I told the team that, like the gladiator, we were going to play a great team in Green Bay.”

I loved that scene in “The Gladiators” where Maximus kicked the shit out of the Packers. “At my signal, UNLEASH HELL on these Wisconsinites.”

Let’s say the NFL draft were tomorrow (Quick — get the combine going this afternoon!), and let’s say the two juniors who haven’t announced their intentions (Matt Barkley, Landry Jones) both enter. I could see the following play out… (mock draft chart) Do I think this is how the draft is going to play out? Who knows?

I could totally see the Skins drafting Matt Barkley. Now does that means I actually SEE the Skins draft Matt Barkley? Who knows? WHO COULD POSSIBLY ENVISION ME THINKING THINGS I JUST THOUGHT?! People, anything that I think is so weak, and so frail, and so utterly unsubstantiated, that I cannot even confirm that I have thought them. They are like whispers in my brain, that vanish into the ether once the scent of nutmeg has been detected.

I definitely would rather see Cleveland keep Colt McCoy and draft multiple players to put around him for the future.

YOU ARE INSANE.

4. Pittsburgh (10-3). Will Ben Roethlisberger play? Someone Who Should Know told me Friday, “No way.”

Keep the above item in mind for later. I think you’ll find it INTERESTING.

By the way, can Someone Who Should Know write this column every week? Why am I always stuck with Someone Who Thinks He Sees It Maybe Playing Out, But Does He Really Think It?

6. Baltimore (10-4). Imagine what a sick feeling the Ravens had this morning, flying back across the United States.

I know! ALL THAT TRAVEL! It seems inhumane that a professional sports team would have to sit for five hours on a chartered plane! Bruins/Canucksian!

7. Houston (10-4). First real sign of shakiness for T.J. Yates, against Carolina. How will he respond Thursday at suddenly interesting Indy?

Dude, the Colts are 1-13. Is there ANYTHING that is not interesting to you? The Colts, coffee, Pittsford, NY. Everything is either INTERESTING or WEIRD in the PK Universe. Do not let this man near a Dali painting, for then Interesting shall meet with Weird and the man’s heart will explode.

9. Dallas (8-6). Interesting how things go from bleak to booming in six nights.

STOP SAYING THINGS ARE INTERESTING! IF EVERYTHING IS INTERESTING THAN NOTHING IS!

The Cowboys will need help, but if they win out they host a playoff game — no matter what the Giants and Eagles do.

So they need help, except that they DON’T need help. Thank you so much for clarifying that, Peter. No, really. Thanks a fucking million. With you on hand, the playoff picture looks like someone spray-painted it with a elephant diarrhea.

10. San Diego (7-7). You figure them out. I can’t.

What’s that? You want Peter to explain something? Boy, did you come to the wrong place!

11. Seattle (7-7)…

12. Detroit (9-5).

/suffocates self with pillow

Defensive Players of the Week

Carolina LB Jordan Senn. Never heard of him?

Of course not! I’m a MMQB reader and that is NOT a member of the Red Sox!

Son of Factoid of the Week

The Baltimore Ravens, under John Harbaugh, have played seven playoff games, all on the road.

And none of those playoffs games were played in Washington. WHAT THE FUCK, NFL?!

So I traveled to New Orleans Monday to report a story for NBC, a bit under the weather after catching something late the previous week.

WARNING: Do not read the following story if you are too poor to afford health insurance. You will not find it INTERESTING.

And after having a fine local dinner of red beans and rice, I was headed back to the hotel around 9:45 p.m. with my crew, producer Phil Parrish and production assistant Paige Westin.

That crew is known locally as the Back Bay Nutmeggers.

I was feverish, run down, sapped of energy. I saw a 24-hour medical place when we stopped at a stoplight and said, “Drop me off here. You guys head back. I’ll take a cab when I’m done.”

Phil explained to (the doctor, Dr. Kata) he had a sick visitor in the car, a reporter for NBC, and was there any way he could see me?

PHIL: I have a sick man in my car. Now, before you decide on helping him, I should let you know that HE WORKS FOR NBC AND KNOWS TONY DUNGY. You let that sink in before making your choice.

…He said he’d give me two shots that should help me out. Which he did, as well as a prescription for an antibiotic, which he wanted me to take just in case it was a bacterial disease that I had.

And then he gave me a PRESCRIPTION, which had 80,000 words of fine print attached to it, all of which I’ll cut and paste into this story to make it more INTERESTING.

Dr. Kata’s Indian.

WHAT A COUNTRY.

He grew up in the D.C.-area, still loves the Redskins and has a ‘Skins license-plate border on his Louisiana car tags, though he’s lived in New Orleans since the ’80s. A fervent fan of New Orleans, he could be a Welcome Wagon host if not a doctor. He kept saying he just wanted to take care of me so I’d be healthy enough to do my job. He refused to take any payment.

Whoa.

What the fuck? Seriously? Why is this doctor treating Peter for free when Peter is an affluent person with comprehensive health insurance that would almost certainly cover this kind of treatment? THIS IS WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH AMERICA. If a fucking hobo had waltzed up to that clinic, he would have been pepper sprayed. But then Peter King rolls up with his NBC KREW, and he gets treated in an expeditious manner for NOTHING? What the fuck is wrong with people? IT’S PETER KING. It’s not a fucking dying homeless child. HE DOESN’T NEED YOUR CHARITY, DAMMIT.

/pays $800 a month for insurance that doesn’t cover JACK SHIT.

The karma gods, Dr. Kata, are going to look after you for a long, long time.

Holy shit, this is fucked. Whoa hey, this doctor treated my rich fat ass for free even though he didn’t have to! SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE JUST PUNCHED THEMSELVES A TICKET TO HEAVEN.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

Let’s go to the muddled race of the Associated Press Defensive Player of the Year.

Is there anything in your hands that is not muddled?

Muddled’s the perfect word for it too.

Congrats, the first time in a trillion words choices that you hit the nail on the head. I’m shocked you didn’t use the word INTERESTING to describe it. Why don’t you go treat yourself to a free heart transplant, asshole?

Good reporting this morning, Gerry Dulac, of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. Dulac has Ben Roethlisberger playing tonight in San Francisco.

REWIND.

4. Pittsburgh (10-3). Will Ben Roethlisberger play? Someone Who Should Know told me Friday, “No way.” But I’m also told he really wants to play tonight. Stay tuned.

Good reporting, Gerry Dulac! Way to help Peter contradict himself in a completely oblivious fashion!

f. Speaking of injured players, I love the FOX injury music. Always have.

IT’S THE SAME FUCKING MUSIC AS THE REGULAR FOX MUSIC, ONLY SOFTER, YOU MEDICINE HOG.

Good for you, Todd Bowles. You’ll always have Week 15, 2011, in Buffalo.

Again, this could be written on the inside of the King Family Xmas card, which I assume features Peter and his wife sharing a latte in Cape Town.

I think NFL.com writer Jeff Darlington’s piece out of Denver last night gives you a good view into Tim Tebow that you may have heard about but didn’t know how it worked. Each game, home and road, Tebow has as his guest a young person who has gone through some medical or personal struggle, and win or lose, he spends 15 to 30 minutes with the person and his/her family afterward. On Sunday, after the loss to New England, Tebow met with brain-tumor victim Kelly Faughnan and her family.

Too bad about that tumor, Kelly. If you were as rich and famous as Peter, you could have gotten it extracted FOR FREE BECAUSE THIS COUNTRY BLOWS.

I think that was a nice touch, what the Ravens did for the troops in Afghanistan.

They’ve adopted some troops, sending them packages, and coach John Harbaugh told NBC Sunday night: “Imagine if you’re out there and you get a note from a Ray Lewis or a Joe Flacco or an Ed Reed. I think that’d be pretty cool.”

But no signed gloves?

I think the Giants are the worst home team of any contender in the league. No, I don’t think. I know.

THEN DON’T SAY YOU THINK IT, ASSHOLE. Just say “The Giants are the worst home team of any contender in the league.” There. The end. It doesn’t need a fucking word cloud of THINKS and KNOWS around it.

I think Sunday saved Jim Caldwell.

WHY? He eats shit.

Now maybe the Colts still fire Caldwell after the season…

You know what? I QUIT. That’s it. No more. I can’t take this shit. All these “I thinks” and “maybes” are killing my will to live. I don’t want to do this anymore. This is not Fun With Peter King. This is AGONY with Peter King. I hate it.

…but it would have been nearly impossible for him to come back after an 0-16 season. This, in many ways, was a day the Colts had been waiting for all season

“Finally! We’re 1-13! Can’t tell you how good that feels!”

I think the last two weeks are why you don’t fire Andy Reid. That, plus the guts of Mike Vick playing hurt.

REASONS TO FIRE ANDY REID:

1. Poor clock management

2. Poor taste in assistant coaches

3. Lousy play-calling

4. Barely a living being

REASON TO KEEP ANDY REID:

1. Mike Vick’s guts, which always play hurt.

Yes, you probably heard Bob Costas choke up last night on NBC if you were listening to our Football Night in America pregame show. That’s because he was paying tribute to a great friend of ours who died of cancer on Friday. Michelle O’Callaghan was the makeup artist for so many shows in New York…

That’s sad.

Dan Marino was really hit hard by her death. “She’s a great girl,” he said. “She could have been from Pittsburgh.” Now that’s high praise from Marino.

????????!!!!!!????????!!!!!!!!!?????????!!!!!!

What does that… How do you even… AM I ALIVE? Am I on planet Earth right now, or have I fallen into some sort of alternate dimension where you can die and have people say with a straight face that you were Pittsburghish and have that make sense to another, stupider person?

/has nervous breakdown

RIP Christopher Hitchens. The Dr. Z of non-sports journalism.

ACTUAL HITCHENS QUOTE: “The only position that leaves me with no cognitive dissonance is atheism. It is not a creed. Death is certain, replacing both the siren-song of Paradise and the dread of Hell. Life on this earth, with all its mystery and beauty and pain, is then to be lived far more intensely: we stumble and get up, we are sad, confident, insecure, feel loneliness and joy and love. There is nothing more; but I want nothing more.”

ACTUAL DR Z. QUOTE: “Sure, I’ll vote for Dick. He sent me a case of that great cabernet he makes in Calistoga.”

So, so similar.

When Millen was telling Penn State stories (about the bad Penn State stuff), Zim laughed and ruefully shook his head. It’s like he was saying, “I wish I could skewer Jerry Sandusky myself.”

Not if he skewers your kid first!

My Welcome to New York moment last week: Discovered even the scrawny Christmas trees cost $125.

Well, you ought to be able to afford it, given that doctors cure you for fucking free.

Coffeenerdness: Sunday, 11:45 a.m., corner of Madison and 51st, Manhattan, two woman (sic), evidently tourists, staring into an iPhone with a pink cover. One looks at me. “Starbucks,” she said with a hint of desperation. “Where’s a Starbucks?” I say: “A hundred yards behind us, on this side of the street. Can’t miss it.” They both gasped. “Thank you!”

This man is a hero. No wonder he deserves free rehydrating IVs.

Sometimes, you just need caffeine.

You know what I need? An axe to my face.

Beernerdness: Tried the Abita Christmas Ale in between working last week in New Orleans. Loved it. Different than normal northeastern Christmas beers with the cloves and…

Anddddddd….?!!!!

Nutmeg.

NUTMEGGGGGGGGG!!!!!

But there was an orange taste, and it was the kind of bitter ale I like.

ZOMG NUTMEG AND CITRUS TOGETHER AT LAST!!!! THE HOLY UNION!