You can expect a bit of messy fallout from any team losing a championship game – backbiting player comments to the media, fans starting pointless petitions complaining about calls, riots, supermodel wives of star quarterbacks throwing her hubby’s receivers under the bus for drops. Then, there are those brainfarts that are so powerfully repellent that they linger through all of sports discussion for days, maybe weeks. The Boston Globe’s Eric Wilbur has issued forth just such an emission.

Not so safety call: Blame Brady for this one

The legend is dead, the prince has turned back into a frog, and…well, use whatever other cliché you want.

It was a dark and stormy night.

The butler did it.

We all learned important life lessons from magical Negroes.

I don’t see how this helps.

Sorry, Tommy Boy, this one’s on you. Your hideous performance led to the Giants’ 21-17 Super Bowl title win. How embarrassing for your coach, your teammates, and your fans.

I’m a Tom Brady hater and I’m embarrassed. How did I squander so much of my life waiting for this clown fraud to display his clown fraudiness? In reality, he sucked all along. My life could have been better spent learning dead languages or lobbying local government to build a pedestrian bridge over poor neighborhoods.

But especially for you, boy wonder. It was one thing when you led the game off with a safety, which surely put plenty of faith into the heart of Patriot Nation

ONCE THE HAHHHTT OF PATS SAWX NATION WAS LAWST, THEY SHOULD HAVE SAVED EVERYONE THREE HOURS AND CAWLED IT A NIGHT. WE CAN STILL CATCH SHAMELESS. THAT EMMY RAWSSUM SHOWS HER TITS IN EVERY EPISODE!

but just when you have the game, just when you might be able to run off the clock, you huck the thing downfield. Yes, if Wes Welker catches that thing, you’re in the clear

If someone else didn’t screw up, you wouldn’t be assigned blame for their screw-up. So there. And remember when the safety lost the Pats the game in the first quarter? Well that was only the first loss. The Welker drop was, like, the third or fourth Super Bowl that New England lost last night. Extra wrenching.

but what happened to being safe in that situation? What happened to the Patriot Way and clock management?

Yeah, what happened to the Patriot Way of running the ball to win games? It must have gone from a myth to a fairy tale to a movie pitch where Mark Walhberg stops 9/11 with a street-wise Corey Dillon sidekick that he openly detests.

Maybe that moment will actually hit you as you’re whittling down water slides in South America looking like Prince Valiant this spring. The Patriots haven’t won a title in seven years, but even worse, they’re now turning into the Buffalo Bills

A perennial sub-.500 team? Quite impressive that they made the Super Bowl, then.

with the Giants being their Cowboy daddy.

That image only works because Eli has been known to ride to the practice facility on hobbyhorse.

That’s not easy to swallow in a region where New York is regarded as highly as the menu at Beacon Hill Pub.

Hey! Three and a half stars on Yelp. New York is regarded by Boston as a modestly priced outlet for average food. Seems a little inaccurate.

But, there you are, Tom. That’s what you have become. Your legacy has been stamped, but you’re turning your Joe Montana status into one of Jim Kelly. But, hey what you worry? There’s that new mansion in the “Names” pages to deal with.

If you take away the hour that Brady was a disconsolate wreck after the game, he barely even noticed the Pats lost. Too busy adding boldface tags to his name in all the copy.

Yes, there were plenty of dropped passes to go around. Granted. But when you begin the game with such a boneheaded play, then proceed to make random mistakes, sorry, Tom, game is on you.

So long as I leave the word “granted” after the part that destroys my argument, I’m okay to meander on.

“Yes, humans can’t survive without oxygen for more than maybe a minute and pressure at that depth would crush them. Granted. But the failure of humans to colonize the ocean floor is simply a failure of our collective imagination.”

There was no fourth and 13 to blame Belichick for.

4th and 13? Nope. Iffy playcalling and downright poor clock management? Sure. Or are you leaving the BELICHICK HAS LAWST HIS FASTBALL column for Simmons?

Welker was the closest thing to Asante, and the eeriness compared to the Tyree play will be discussed for decades to come.

I know! No one ever completes long passes late in games except the Giants on the Patriots in the Super Bowl. So eerie!

Thanks for that too. Can’t wait. Oh, look, another text coming in from 212…

Tom, it’s not all your fault,

Granted.

but you’re the poster boy, you had opportunities, and you failed to make them.

Or people failed to catch them.

Add to that your blunders, and it all becomes about you. You blew this Super Bowl. You denied your coach No. 4. You let down your teammates.

Look how sad you made Ocho. He was so looking forward to riding a duckboat. DUCKBOAT, the boat that’s a duck!

Eli and Peyton now have as many rings as you combined over the past five years. You haven’t sniffed one in seven. How’s that hit you?

You have as many rings as two top-tier quarterbacks combined. Loser.

Maybe it doesn’t hit you as hard anymore, and maybe that’s the problem.

The safety killed the Patriots. Killed them.

So much that they went on the take the lead for a long stretch of the game.

And there’s nobody to blame but Tom Brady.

However hard it might be to swallow, the glory days are gone. Even Montana handed off to Mallett at some point, right?

[Checks NFL Reference]

No, Joe Montana never did that.

When we last left Geno Auriemma’s biographer Peter King, he was marveling over Mike Mayock’s travel schedule. How can one man be in both the continental US and Hawaii all in the SAME DAY?! That defies physics! He was also not proud to tell you he watched a bit of the Kardashians (MOAR FUNKHAUSER PLEEZ), and told you that he wasn’t gonna write about Peyton Manning, then proceeded to write twelve thousand words about Peyton Manning. There will be PLENTY of time to talk Peyton later this week, gang! For now, it’s important that we talk about how scary that Tigers’ batting order is!

So what about this week? Did Peter save his receipts from the Conrad Hotel? Was this game exciting for the seven state-like territories in the upper right-hand corner of your United States map-like object? And did Seattle ever give Marc, Peter’s barista, a raise? Well, let’s just see how he makes my latte first. READ ON. But first, a special announcement…

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When we last left fate xeroxer Peter King, he was personally clearing his airplane seat of refuse, which is something that should only happen if you’re living in INDIA. I also put him under legit fire for declaring a carrot he ate to be his first memorable moment of championship weekend. In Peter’s defense, it WAS a big carrot. Thicker than Tebow downstairs. He also rode the cable cars, lamented the lack of Rams home games featuring Tom Brady, and expounding on the wonders of cooking and toxicity.

So what about this week? Did Peter find some other complete idiot who doesn’t like football who Peter thinks has lots of out-of-the-box ideas about the sport? I’m told that Paul Krugman would like to do away with the sport entirely in favor of a series of town hall meetings to discuss the economic effects of raising the capital gains tax. PRETTY HARD HITTING STUFF. And did Peter get to drink more Blue Bottle coffee? READ ON. There’s something about this Fun With Peter King that’s hard to put a finger on, but also very tough to beat.

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When we last left Busy Beaver Peter Kingdrop, he was fully disclosing that he shared an agent with Jeff Fisher, and that you were more than free to not believe him when he said that Jeff Fisher MAYBE KINDA SORTA picked the Rams more than he rejected the Dolphins. You take that report on faith, America. But if you let it seep into your guts, it will blow you away. I think.

So what about this week? Did Gene Steratore travel a lot? Any more meaty Babb Nuggets to digest? Isn’t it a great sign that the Bucs have extended their coaching search by another eight months? Is Philip Seymour Hoffman still the Meryl Streep of male actors? READ ON. This Fun With Peter King is so valid, it’s SCARY.

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When we last left professional cricket sideline reporter Peter King, he was reporting on things that Adam Schefter had reported on, marveling over naked homeless women breastfeeding on the subway, and paying tribute to the drafting prowess of Josh McDaniels. Oh, people of Denver: This wonderful man gave you what will be three wasted years trying to develop an option QB, AND he drafted Knowshon Moreno. STILL HATE HIM, YOU BITTER BOULDERITES?

So what about this week? Where is the grass slipperier today? Did Peter finally see Moneyball? And will Seattle finally get around to fixing the barista problem in New York? Don’t know how you fix this, Seattle, mostly because you are just a collection of people and you have nothing to do with the employee training at coffee franchises in an entirely different city. READ ON. You’re either gonna love this Fun with Peter King, or you’re gonna nap through it!

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When we last left Josh Bickford biographer Peter King, he was maybe almost kinda considering splitting his vote for MVP into portions so small that they can only exist for a billionth of a second and may or may not be the key to unlocking the secrets of extra physical dimensions of the universe. Also, he drank some wine.

So what about this week? I noticed that the teaser on the front page of SI.com for MMQB uses the phrase “the Tebow saga,” which is perfect, since Tim Tebow is EXACTLY like “Twilight.” He has a dedicated legion of fans who scare other people. He’s been remarkably successful despite the fact that critics don’t think he’s any good. And his story has gone on wayyyyyy too long. Let’s see what Peter thinks of all this… TEBOWVILLEMANIALANDNESS. READ ON.

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When we last left the Earl Dittman of NFL writers, Peter King, he was getting free health care late at night, mourning dead people who were so good, they could have come from Pittsburgh, and bitching about Starbucks becoming too homogenized. I don’t quite know how Peter can get worse, but after reading him give the blessings of the karma gods to his Indian doctor (I assume the karma God in India is some kind of eight-legged girl elephant), NOTHING WILL EVER SURPRISE ME AGAIN.

So what about this week? Did Romeo Crennel fire up the Chiefs by holding a matinee showing of “Bravehearted”? Did Peter’s niece ever apologize to him for making him drive four hours from her stupid winter concert? Will Dr. Z ever be healthy enough to skewer Jerry Sandusky properly? READ ON. I don’t just think this column will be painful, I KNOW IT.

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When we last left NBC shill, Peter King, things were really getting interesting in Tebowland.

So what about this week? Will Peter have any cost-prohibitive wine recommendations? How many Pro Bowl free agents will it take to make the Rams a good coaching destination? Who has Peter underrated this week? The answers might shock you. READ ON.

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When we last left Colt McCoy’s publicist, Peter King, he had a great deal of stunning in his voice at the fact that the Patriots only get to play in Washington once every decade or so. What the Hell, NFL schedulemaker? Don’t you know that America craves that game on an annual basis, preferably shown on NBC? He was also openly studying Tim Tebow’s media schedule (Interesting nugget: IT’S BORING AND POINTLESS), envisioning a Coen Brothers Tebow movie (hopefully featuring Albert Finney mowing Tebow down with a Thompson), and reporting on the semi-heart attackish chest pains experienced by Mike Smith. BUT HE SEEMED SO HEALTHY! Until his chest exploded, that is.

So what about this week? Will Peter’s plane have WiFi? Will Tim Tebow lead the league in defining the word Tebow? And can Peter help us find a way out of Tiebreakerland? READ ON.

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Contagious. When we last left Tebowville Chamber of Commerce Chairblob Peter King, he was declaring Tim Tebow’s story the greatest story ever told. Better than the story of that lady who brought her cello on the airplane? YES. Better than that time Don Banks took Pete to Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville restaurant and DIDN’T order a margarita? YES. Better than the story of Hiroshima? YES. All those stories have far too much assembly-line-ness. TEBOW IS THE REAL SHIZZ.

So what about this week? Don’t you think it’s WEIRD that Chris Johnson’s self is its old Johnson self again? And isn’t it EERIE that we Americans all go through Italian Roast withdrawal every Week 13? Is it not BIZARRE that the Army/Navy game have never once been played in Wichita? And don’t you find it MEGA-WEIRDPELLING that America is lacking in walkable cities? READ ON. This column may seem painful and agonizing, because IT IS.

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