We get a lot of requests every week to do FJM-style breakdowns of Bill Simmons’ columns. We largely avoid this because A) Peter King is more fun to poke fun at, B) It takes about seven seconds before Simmons trolls pop into the post and tell you what a HATURRRRRR you are, C) We have Tommy from Quinzee around to serve as proxy for all our Simmons mocking.

So usually we resist. But Holy God, did you SEE this column? Sweet buttermilk titties, it’s terrible. It’s awful. It’s the smuggest smug that’s ever smugged. And it deserves your unbridled scorn in full. Let’s begin…

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When we last left championship cake baker Peter King, he was 20 minutes late to a live chat over at Deadspin, then proved a rather good sport with most of the questions. I’d like to congratulate Big Jim Slade for asking Peter how the Bowers were doing. Peter’s response was a simple, “Fine.” It’s the little things.

Someone also asked Peter if the criticism he gets online bothers him, to which Peter replied that it comes with the territory. He doesn’t like it when it goes too far, but he accepts it. Well, thank God for that. NOW I CAN MAKE FUN OF THAT DOUCHEHAT WITHOUT IT WEIGHING ON MY CONSCIENCE ONE BIT! WOO HOO!

So what about this week? Will it be another Steelers Sunday for Peter? Will he and Bob Costas rattle a cage or two? Will he show up in my Junior Jumble? Read on, people…

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When we last left map-eschewing porkquistador Peter King, he was decrying the price of Yankee Stadium’s hot chocolate (it’s 30% cacao!), praising the Saints for their edgy attitude, and deeply regretting ordering the Kung Pao cheeseburger spring rolls at Panda Express in the JFK airport.

What about this week? Will he ever find the Providence airport? Will it be another ho hum week for Wes Welker, ONLY THE FINEST WIDE RECEIVER EVER TO GRACE A FOOTBALL FIELD? And how did the Caldwellmen do? Join me, a day late, as we dive into the nether regions of one man’s very thin soul…

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When we last left throwback-loving douchebox Peter King, he was declaring Kyle Orton the next Tom Brady, marveling at the friendliness of Sun Country Airways, and getting into a Twitter throwdown with Mark Cuban, which marks the single most inconsequential dispute in recorded history.

But what about this week? Will Peter again be forced to down can after can of Illy? Will he be hit by any cinderblock walls? Will Kathy Holmgren be a bitch and not let him watch any football? Read on. But I must warn you: there is a section on hot cocoa prices here that will leave you STUNNED AND OUTRAGED.

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When we last left name-dropping thought football enthusiast Peter King, he was making a stupid amount of money, resisting the temptation to have a slumber party at various players’ houses, and marveling at barren moonscape that is Eastern Connecticut thru his Acela cabin window.

So, what can we expect from our lofty companion this week? Did he get swine flu? No? Could he get swine flu? Is there a way to capture swine flu in a syringe and inject directly into him? No? Are we sure about this?

Just asking.

Let’s dig in…

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Yesterday Drew wrote a particularly satisfying rant on the topic of Dan Snyder’s inability to run a football team. While I didn’t agree with all of Drew’s points, most of his criticisms hit home for me and many other distressed Washingtonians. Of course not every Redskins fan agreed with Drew’s contentions.

Chris Chase is a writer for Yahoo! Sports who also maintains his own blog, The Player Hater’s Ball. It was there that Chase wrote his response to Drew’s rant. The post includes several questionable defenses of his personnel and front office decisions. So questionable that I felt some FJM style was warranted.

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We had about seventy million readers email this week us to say, “Oy. You gotta read this douchey interview Peter King did with the Wall Street Journal. It’s very douchey.” And so I did. And indeed, douchiness abounds. Surely, King had a Heineken Light or six before answering the questions. Let’s dive in and get all snarky with it, shall we? IT’S YOUR BONUS FUN WITH PETER KING, GANG.

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With Drew having left for the airport to see his Vikings play the Packers (and then subsequently realizing that his flight was booked EIGHT DAYS LATER), the weekly ritual of mocking the NFL’s noted sports and travel writer falls on someone else’s shoulders this week. Hopefully you’ll still enjoy the same dick joke taste. And personally, I don’t know what the dealio is with SI.com, but now it seems that I can’t copy excerpts from that site from Google Chrome into our Wordpress editor. BRING BACK MY COPY AND PASTE SO I CAN RIDICULE YOU IN A LESS TIME-CONSUMING MANNER, KING! HOLD STILL WHILE I BEAT YOU DOWN, YOU FAT BEANTOWN BITCH! (more…)

When we last left North American Man-Boy-Coffee Lover Peter King, he was putting chips (mmmm… kettle chips) on people’s shoulders, praising the clutch harpiness of Kathy Holmgren, and marveling at all the young people who play professional football.

What’s in store for us this week? Is Drew Brees still underappreciated even though he clearly isn’t? Is Austin Collie Anthony Gonzalez Jr.? Will there be lists? And how does Derek Jeter factor into all of this? Join me (along with Christmas Ape, in a surprise appearance as Mr. Marmalard) below, for the answers you seek!

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When we last left kettle-chip engulfing landmass Peter King, he was praising Michael Jordan for giving the worst Hall of Fame induction speech in history, AND he once again found a way to work Derek Jeter’s name into a football column. What about this week? Will Peter teach Dr. Z to tweet using only his tongue? Will he again experience the soothing luxury of an AirTran flight? HAVE THE KIT KATS MAINTAINED THEIR INTEGRITY? Will he suggest the Browns draft Tim Tebow #1 overall next year? Wait, he did that?. Jebus.

Anyway, time to do our thing. But first, a reader encounter with the lofty one. Reader Bob writes in…

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