Matt Millen: There’s a word for what has happened with the Penn State football family. And that word is unconscionable. The actions of Jerry Sandusky were unconscionable, but the fallout has been unconscionable too. The unconscionable firing of Joe Paterno reeked of unconscionability. And that goes double for the students who took to the campus to show their dissatisfaction with vicious, destructive, unconscionable rioting. There are many things in the world that are conscionable and this is not one of them.

Will this forever mar the proud name of Penn State? I shudder to think so, but who knows? It just might. Does that mean that it should? In my opinion, no. This was simply a singular case of repeated abuse that made the entire program culpable through its silence and inaction. Had there been multiple Jerry Sanduskys raping and abusing scores of young boys and possibly pimping them out to donors, then okay. We can begin to maybe open up that line of debate. But that’s not has happened and until it happens, we can’t. Right now, it was only one serial molester. Name a big name program that hasn’t had one of those. You can’t.

It’s a tragic situation, is what it is. I wish there were a way I could make it all go away. You try to tear up all the newspapers reporting on this, but they only print more of ‘em. Then they report on the story on the computers. Now, I can rip a computer in half, no problem. But those bad boys are expensive and I’m not pulling in the GM money that I used to. It’s like there’s just no way to keep this horrible, horrible story from spreading.

I-I just… [Has emotional breakdown on air]

Host: We all know how much this means to you, Matt. This is a proud legacy. Penn State is like family to you.

Host: Now let’s bring in another famous Penn State alum, LaVar Arrington, to weigh in on the issue. LaVar, how have you been coping with the news?

LaVar Arrington: Not well. Not well at all. There’s a lot to process here. First, there was lots of these kids coming forward to say they was touched by this man. That’s sad. I don’t care who you are. That’s sad. This predator is not any man. It’s a man who works, or did work, for Penn State football. That’s personal to me. I played for Penn State football. I still have a connection to Penn State football. If things happen to them that are sad, I become sad by extension. That’s how an emotional extension thing works.

Joe Paterno is gone. The man is a legend. Is, was, will be forever. I played for Joe Paterno. He was like a father figure to me. I say father figure because he is not my actual father but he taught me life lessons in the manner that a father might teach to his real son. Now I’ve lost my father figure. That hurts. The Penn State football program is in disgrace. That hurts. And kids that I don’t know personally but have real feelings were touched. That hurts as well, because I possess empathy. That is sadness on many levels. Compound sadness is what you could call it. So when you ask me questions about whether I am doing well with this news, I say no.

Host: Very emotional take by former Penn State linebacker LaVar Arrington on the recent scandal at his alma mater. Shifting on to the news of -

Matt Millen: If I could add something…

Host: Oh. Sure, Matt. Go ahead.

Matt Millen: I liked what LaVar had to say. Griping, succinct and deeply felt. That he’s a product of the program that shows that Penn State still has a lot to be proud of. Now, I’m going to proceed to cry again on-air and I would appreciate it if you kept the camera on me for the duration of my little jag here. These tears aren’t easy to work up.

LaVar Arrington: I’ve been crying all day, too, Matt. This is a story that touches a lot of people emotionally. I’m emotionally touched.

Matt Millen: I can appreciate that, LaVar. But the public associates me with Penn State football. This is the outpouring they need to move on and heal.

LaVar Arrington: I was an iconic football player for Penn State football. I frequently mention that I played for them, even in a context that strikes people as bizarre and offensive. I got a Penn State coffee mug that I use during my radio show. I don’t even fill it with coffee. I just let it sit there.

Matt Millen: Oh, you frequently mention that you played for Penn State. Isn’t that nice? Have you worked as an announcer for nationally televised NFL games where you gratuitously and constantly pointed out which players went to Penn State? Because I’ve done that. I’ve been doing that since even before you came to State College.

LaVar Arrington: Well, I’m so devastated by this news, I think I’m gonna run out into traffic. Suddenly, I become part of the story. “UPDATE TO THE PENN STATE SCANDAL: LaVar Arrington So Overcome With Grief, He Plays Suicide Frogger On The D.C. Beltway. I-66 Gridlock Is Relatively Unaffected.”

Matt Millen: Not if I beat you out there.

LaVar Arrington: Not a chance, old man.

[Both take off]

Host: Joining us to discuss the recent suicide pact made by former Penn State standouts Matt Millen and LaVar Arrington, made in reaction to the child molestation scandal, is former Penn State linebacker and current Jacksonville Jaguar, Paul Posluszny.

Paul Posluszny: Thanks for having me.

[Pause]

Pretty sad stuff.

Hey you NBC assholes, guess what?  You FUCKING SUCK.  Yes, we like Cris Collinsworth.   We tolerate Dan Patrick and Keith Olbermann together for nostalgia’s sake.  We hate everyone else that crowds your studio, and Madden has sucked at his job for the last decade, but we’ve never made a big deal about it until now.

Until THIS.

What in God’s name made you think THE WORST GENERAL MANAGER IN FOOTBALL HISTORY was a worthwhile commentator?   Fuck you.  Fuck you three more times.  FUCK YOU.  FUCK YOU.  FUCK YOU.

Get fucked and die.  I hope Millen spreads his seed of failure all over your network.  Have fun going out of business.  CBS can pick up “The Office” for all I care.

Bring it in, gentlemen. Bring it in. I know I don’t usually address the team, but Coach Marinelli and I thought the occasion called for it. I wanted to look each of you men in the eye and let you know just how proud I am of you. That was a tremendous loss out there on Sunday. I’ve been a part of some really big losses ever since I got here, but this one was a real statement loss. It’s the kind of loss I think we can really not build on for the future.

You men surrendered your guts out there the other day. You left none of it out on the field. And I couldn’t be happier. When I got here a few years ago, I promised Mr. Ford that I would build him a loser. I even promised that within five years we would not win a championship. And you men have helped me keep that promise. You didn’t not back down from the Cowboys. You took the fight miles away from them. I’m especially proud of you, Jon Kitna. You sir, have the heart of a basement dweller.

But we can’t take this loss for granted. If we want to keep losing, we’re going to have to slack harder than ever. I’m talking about coming in late and leaving early EVERY SINGLE DAY. That’s what sets the foundation for losing tomorrow and in the future. I’m proud of how far you men haven’t come. When it comes down to it, you had an early season riddled with winning, but like all dreadful teams do, you found enervating, frustrating ways to shit the bed down the stretch. It was hard, but you overcame the urge to overcome. Goddamn, I love you guys so much, I want to fuck up your taxes for you.

Well, that’s all I wanted to say. Great loss. You guys have really not turned things around. I think we’ve got a real nondescript group of guys here. So let’s just keep it stopping. STOP LIONS!

Okay, men. Back to practice. I have to go clog the toilet.