UNEMPLOYMENT

The very word conjures images of stumblebums, have-nots, Top Ramen and public library internet users. But on this day, it finds itself swaddled around the the chroniclers of gladiators and philosopher-kings.

Under the forbidding skies of a cold, harsh March morn, National Football League Films head man Steve Sabol did meet with 21 of his compatriots for a fateful announcement that would forever change the course of history.

After a long, hard season of agonizing twists and turns, and the unforeseen adversity caused by a nation’s terminal indifference to “Inside The NFL,” Sabol was faced with the hardest decision… OF HIS CAREER.

Sabol: This was a really, really, hard decision.

And as Sabol met with his men that day, he steeled himself, much in the way of the storied ’70s curtain defense as told in fables by rheumy eyed school children, for the crack of bones and the wrenching of viscera.

The general marched into the camp where twenty-one of his finest men awaited his command. Only his command took of the form of a tersely worded statement that their connection to the army that they spent their livelihoods building…would be torn…ASUNDER.

Mike Johnson, Security Guard: They told me I had to meet with Human Resources, and I thought to myself, “They better have fixed my goddamn vision coverage.” Then I saw Sabol was in the office too, and I thought, OH SHIT.

It was here, near the FROZEN SUNDRIES of the 5th floor kitchen, that fate would deal these brave warriors a cruel, losing hand. One by one did the doughty fall prey, having only an uncaring pink slip and their severance pay to show for their years of Herculean toil.

Raymond Tsou, Production Assistant: Dude. It really fucking sucks because, first off, I didn’t see this coming and then I don’t really have any savings built up and, like, I’m in night school right now too, so I gotta pay for that. And my Xbox Gold membership expires next week. What kind of life is playing the computer?

Woe to he who ventures from the field of battle torn, tested and ultimately turned loose. A pauper in his own kingdom, a stranger in his own mind. He takes it all with him, leaves nothing behind.

They would live to face their wives, but they would do so as lesser men.

It’s firing season in the NFL, and I’m disappointed to see that only FOUR coaches thus far have been fired, or resigned, or left their earthly bodies to rise up to heaven and toss lightning bolts at gays, as Joe Gibbs has. “Oh thank you, Coach Gibbs! For all you’ve done for Washington!” Pfft. Whatever. That guy’s a fucking dork.

This is unacceptable. We need to see more coaches fired. I know personally, there’s nothing more exciting than when a coach is fired. Yeah, I know this is a man with a family losing his job, but whatever. It gives me a solid day of chatter, and that’s all I care about. Why did he get fired? Was it because he sucked, or did people just hate his fucking guts? Did players start to tune him out? Did he refuse to fire that one shit QB coach? Did he think he was coming back only to be completely blindsided? I love it when that happens.

Then there’s all the speculation of who gets to replace the asshole who got canned. Pete Carroll? Really? Isn’t he just a male cheerleader with a headset? Bob Stoops? Fuck that. He’d never leave. Or would he? Oooh! Oooh! What about Jimmy Johnson? Can anyone get him off his fucking boat? I hear Jason Garrett is a hot name, and not just because of his fiery red hair! MARTYBALL COULD BE BACK!

You see? Coaching changes are crazy fun. Except for the coach. And his assistants. But fuck them. If they didn’t want to get fired, they shouldn’t have sucked so bad. If I owned a team, I’d fire my coach every year. Just to keep things intriguing. Can’t have things get stale.

Every year, towards the end of the season, I run down all the teams and try and figure out just which coaches could be potentially fired. Then I root for ALL of them to go down. It never happens, but come on, owners. There are plenty of shit coaches out there you can still send to the dole. Rod Marinelli? Really? He gets to keep his job? He blows. And so does Shanahan. And Childress. And Marvin Lewis! Holy shit, I wouldn’t hire Marvin Lewis to park my fucking car! FIRE THEM ALL! It really fills the week nicely!

Anyway, your Meast of the Wild Card round is Maurice Jones-Drew.

Two TD’s in a road win over the Steelers will get you that title. Call him mini-meast.

Are you telling me that this year’s playoffs will not feature F–k Da Eagles Heather? Well, that is a true American tragedy. I don’t even know how we even begin to recover. The Federal government hasn’t given us ANY sort of guidance on this. There are thousands of football fans stranded out there, with no tits in sight. Who will come to their rescue? Who will provide them with the support, preferably and ample B cup or higher, that they so desperately need?

This is a call to all you mildly attractive female football fans of this year’s playoff teams out there. You need to pick da team that you think should get fucked. Then, you must visibly demonstrate on your chest your commitment to da principle that da team you pick deserves good, hard fucking. Then you need to get yourself on FOX. They say they don’t condone that sort of thing. But really, they can’t get enough of it. They love it when fans want one team to fuck another.

So hurry, with all due diligence. We need it. Please help.

Yesterday I was watching the SportsCenter’s NFL highlights for the seventh time when I came to a realization, this league is filled with incompetence. You may remember that last year it was the quarterback play that left me feeling appalled. This year I’ve set my sights on those other lightning rods of criticism, the head coaches. And why the fuck shouldn’t I? The NFL is the single greatest sports league in the galaxy yet we’re unable to produce 32 people with the ability to not cripple a franchise.

Seeing as how every team has gotten to the halfway point in the season it seems like a good time to evaluate the 32 NFL coaches, division by division. There will be no wine involved.

AFC East

Bill Belichick (NE)- He’s safe…for now.
Dick Jauron (Buf)- So that’s who they’re their coach is! For another year at least.
Eric Mangini (NYJ)- His fat ass could better serve the franchise if he were buried in the foundation of the new stadium.
Cam Cameron (Mia)- Poor fucker.

AFC North

Mike Tomlin (Pit)- He’ll be there for the next fifteen years.
Romeo Crennel (Cle)- He didn’t get fired last year? Good for him. Looks like somebody’s getting an extension!
Brian Billick (Bal)- If this pompous shit-eater still has a job next year the city of Baltimore will be torn asunder by riotous mobs–nobody will notice.
Marvin Lewis (Cin)- From the worst offensive coach to the worst defensive coach, this division is stellar! The only way that Mike Brown will eat his contract is if Chris Henry digs up and rapes the corpse of Paul Brown. So it’s 50/50.

AFC South

Tony Dungy (Ind)- Put it this way, if they fire God’s coach then it’s an automatic seven years of bad luck. But if Jim Irsay comes out of the closet all bets are off.
Jeff Fisher (Ten)- When he dies they’re going to prop his rotting corpse up against the first down marker.
Jack of the River (Jax)- They would fire him, but he’s just so damn intimidating!
Gary Kubiak (Hou)- If he keeps moving along at this 10-15 pace the Texans will erect a thirty foot golden statue in his honor.

AFC West *Award Winner for Worst Coaches in the NFL

Herm Edwards (KC)- The team has a record of 4-4 making Herm’s career record 52-52. In today’s NFL you really can’t put a price on that kind of sustained mediocrity.
Norv Turner (SD)- Hahaha! I’m not laughing because they’re going to fire him, I’m laughing because somebody else is going to give him a job. People are fucking stupid.
Mike Shanahan (DEN)- If somebody can provide a rational argument against taking Shanny out back and shooting him in the base of the skull then I’d love to hear it.
Lane Kiffin (Oak)- Al Davis has enough energy to fire Kiffin or to poop, and man, he really needs to poop.

AFC Europe
Coming September 2012!

Check back this week for Part II: The NFC!