Hi, folks! I’m Alonzo Spellman, former defensive lineman for the Chicago Bears and star of the new direct to DVD documentary “Alonzo Spellman Strangles A Nun”. You might remember me from the time I began speaking in tongues when I played on special teams, or the time I tried to mummify my wife while she was still alive. CLOVES WILL MAKE YOU SMELL GOOD UNDERGROUND, DEAR.

You also might remember me from such successful lunch products as Alonzo Spellman’s Eye Loaf, Alonzo Spellman’s Pussy Spork, and Alonzo Spellman’s Spreadable Hooker Liver. But now, I have concocted perhaps my tastiest product of all!

It’s Alonzo Spellman’s MayonnAIDS!

Wow! Is that like Baconnaise, but with AIDS, Mr. Spellman?

Sure is! Finally, the great taste of mayonnaise and the great taste of AIDS, together! You’ve never tasted AIDS quite like this! Go on. Have a bite.

Wow! It’s so thick and creamy! And a little bit medicinal!

That’s that subtle, unmistakable flavor of AIDS you’re savoring! Made with fresh egg yolks, 100% pure vegetable oil, and full blown AIDS, Alonzo Spellman’s MayonnAIDS goes great with any kind of food. Spread it on ham and AIDS sandwiches! Serve it as a delicious dip! Inject it into a cellmate! It’s one condiment you’ll never get enough of!

Say, Mr. Spellman, am I supposed to have open pustules all over my body after eating it?

Yep! That lets you know it’s delicious! AIDSlicious!

I feel very cold all of a sudden. I feel like never eating again and curling my body into the shape of a question mark.

That’s MayonnAIDS, all right! Best of all, Alonzo Spellman’s MayonnAIDS is certified 100% organic! No harmful preservatives or chemicals. I get my AIDS from local growers, like Tamaya down the block. Freshest AIDS available! Try it in my delicious chicken salad recipe!

1 cup Alonzo Spellman’s MayonnAIDS
1 cup chopped celery
2 tsp city puddle water
Gum
Hearts
Box of thumbtacks

Mix all the ingredients in a hollowed-out dog and serve. Mmmm, that’s good AIDS!

So don’t delay! Order some today and you’ll also get two free tubs of Alonzo Spellman’s cHIV cream cheese AND Alonzo Spellman’s cumgurt AT NO EXTRA COST.

What do you mean, you don’t like AIDS? YOU SHOULD. I WANT YOU TO HAVE AIDS BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO LIVE WITH THIS BY MYSELF. WELCOME TO THE WALKING DEAD. I WILL SEND YOU A VERY SMALL COFFIN TO SCARE YOU. YOU WILL DIE OF AIDS. SOON I WILL FIND A WAY TO GIVE IT TO YOU, SO YOU MAY AS WELL ENJOY A CRABCAKE WITH ME.

WHY IS THAT MAN IN MY TREE?

Order today!

Photoshop by Christmas AIDS, er, Ape.

Hi, folks! I’m Alonzo Spellman, former defensive lineman for the Chicago Bears and top secret government operative for King Narudi of Jurumba. (KING, THE HEADS YOU REQUESTED ARE IN MY BAG.) You might remember me from the time I got arrested for roasting my girlfriend on a spit, or the time I defecated in Dave Wannstedt’s wallet, or the time I was caught on a surveillance camera trying to have children with a flowerpot. WHERE ELSE WOULD FLOWER CHILDREN COME FROM?

You also might remember me from such successful products as Alonzo Spellman’s Clown Burgers, Alonzo Spellman’s Tit Wrench, and Alonzo Spellman’s Baby Razors. Now I’m BACK, with an even better product!

It’s Alonzo Spellman’s Dog Saw! We all know sawing off the limbs and heads of your dog can be a real pain! Blood goes everywhere. Your wrists get sore. AND THAT FUCKING DOG WON’T STOP BARKING. SHUT UP, DOG. YOU BARK BECAUSE YOU’RE TOO DUMB TO KNOW HOW TO TALK. I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT, DOG. BUT YOU CANNOT HAVE MY PRECIOUS TALKING PILLOW. IT HOLDS THE SECRET TO LIFE.

Well, with my new, patented Dog Saw, the everyday chore of butchering your dog is now a snap! The cushioned handle is designed by Oxo for maximum comfort! No more pulling up halfway through your dog to rest up! And my saw’s teeth are crafted from 100% stainless steel made in China. AND IF ANYONE KNOWS HOW TO CHOP UP A PUPPY, IT’S THOSE CHINAMEN. This saw don’t bark. IT BITES, BITCH!

My saw blade comes with a lifetime guarantee against corrosion, rust, or dulling. No matter how many dogs you need to cut through, Alonzo Spellman’s Dog Saw is up to the task! AND IT CAN SAW THROUGH ALL BREEDS: Labradors, Great Danes, Irish Wolfhounds, Portuguese Water Dogs, Pugs, Greyhounds, Dalmations, German Shepards, those fucking dogs that look like a ballsack. What dog is that again?…

Yeah, that one. I FUCKING HATE THOSE DOGS. STOP DISGUISING YOURSELF AS MY BALLS, DOG. YOU CAN’T FIT IN MY PANTS.

Don’t settle for some fucking pussy faggot dog saw that can only handle Pomeranians. Alonzo Spellman’s Dog Saw is endorsed by the people at Stihl and is the #1 choice for professional dog carvers the world over. It can saw a dog in half TWICE as fast as any other dog saw on the market. LOOK! It can cut through this dog…

And stay razor sharp enough to cut through a tin can, a piece of aluminum siding, and then a nursing student! Like I said: IT BITES, BITCH! Just ask my top customer…

Oh, man.

So yeah, no dog saws for me. Although yeah, Spellman make one good fucking dog saw. That shit’ll never jam up on you. Wait! Don’t quote this in an ad or anything!

You see?! But order your Alonzo Spellman’s Dog Saw NOW! Supplies are limited, and I must flee for the Ivory Coast before the end of the week! The CIA knows too much. I THINK THEY MAY HAVE FOUND THE BONES IN MY SHED. THOSE ARE NOT MY BONES, MR. MAN.

Order your today by sending $45,000,000 in solid gold coins to this address:

The Small Mound Of Dirt Along I-66.
Manassas, VA

Be sure to send the gold in a bubble pack to prevent denting. Gold is very soft, LIKE A NICE TIT. Order now and I’ll throw in Alonzo Spellman’s Cat Eye Pliers absolutely FREE!

But hurry! YOU AIN’T EVER SAW A DOG SAW LIKE THIS!

Hi, folks! I’m Alonzo Spellman, former defensive lineman for the Chicago Bears and mentally unhinged citizen of the planet Xaphox. You might remember me from the time I ripped the phone off a wall in a doctor’s office, or the time I forced a plane to land after trying to dig the spiders out of a stewardess’s shoulder blade! You also might remember me from such successful products as Alonzo Spellman’s Pussy Hook, Alonzo Spellman’s Nail Muffin, and Alonzo Spellman’s Flying Knife.

But folks, I think I may have stumbled on perhaps my greatest innovation yet! We all know just how delicious clowns are. Well folks, now you can get the great taste of clown… IN A BURGER!

That’s right! Alonzo Spellman’s Clown Burgers!

Made with REAL clown meat! We start with all natural, 100% organic clowns!

Please, sir! Don’t kill me! All I wanted to do was bring joy to children in the neighborhood! No, please! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT APPLE CORER?! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Then we grind ‘em right up into juicy, one-pound patties!

You’ve never had a clown burger this thick! Then we freeze them up and ship them right to your door! They’re great for cookouts, picnics, even birthday parties! Kids love them! Don’t you, little Jenny?!

This big, scary man wearing a gray sweatshirt and no pants knocked on our door and made us eat another man he said wanted to live inside our tummies. My mom and I cried a lot. That big, scary man is very scary.

My oh my, Alonzo Spellman’s Clown Burgers sure will get your flower squirtin’! Best of all, they’re all natural. We don’t inject our clowns with any hormones, or feed them their own feces. They’re farm-raised, and farm-slaughtered. And they’re 100% clown! No mime meat!

No mute people meat!

And NO UPS worker meat!

I know people usually think of clowns as perpetrators and not victims. But I tell you, once you’ve tried MY clown burgers, you’ll never accept anything less! Mmmmm… THAT’S GOOD CLOWN!

So if you’ve got a big appetite and you’re ready to feast upon human tissue, please send EXACTLY $3,489,745,089,278,031,892.22 in Greek drachmas only to this address:

The Shed Behind Mrs. Buckley’s House, Where I Am Lying In Wait
Fairbanks, AL

Please send me this money in an unmarked envelope that has been heavily sprayed with Roundup. Sinister forces in the Ecudorian government are watching my every move, so I can’t afford to take chances. They’ve bugged my house, my car, my eyes, and the underside of my tongue. As much as I try to scratch, I CANNOT GET RID OF THE TERRIBLE STATIC.

So get your Alonzo Spellman’s Clown Burgers today! The taste is NO JOKE.