Hi, folks! I’m Alonzo Spellman, former defensive lineman for the Chicago Bears and wanted for rabbit arson in over 36 states! You might remember me from the time I painted that police helicopter in hooker blood, or the time I sent Virginia McCaskey a photo of her children with their eyes x’ed out, or the time I hid in your basement for a month without you knowing and constantly tapped on the radiator with a serrated knife! You also might remember me from such successful products as Alonzo Spellman’s Clown Burgers, Alonzo Spellman’s Hobo Traps, and Alonzo Spellman’s Pepper Spray Alarm Clock!

Well folks, I’m here with another great product for you and your family. Now, we all know that baby skulls are an important component to any low cholesterol regimen. Studies show that eating baby skulls can lower your bad cholesterol count by as much as 3 hectares!

But that horrible, gritty baby skull taste! Who wants to start their day with that at their breakfast table? Well, I’ve found a solution: Alonzo Spellman’s Steel Cut Baby Skulls! These aren’t like your traditional steamed and rolled baby skulls. This is a whole new way of enjoying Mother Nature’s healthiest treat! We take 100% pure Rwandan baby skulls, fresh from the killing fields…

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Hi, folks! I’m Alonzo Spellman, former defensive lineman for the Chicago Bears and star of the new direct to DVD documentary “Alonzo Spellman Strangles A Nun”. You might remember me from the time I began speaking in tongues when I played on special teams, or the time I tried to mummify my wife while she was still alive. CLOVES WILL MAKE YOU SMELL GOOD UNDERGROUND, DEAR.

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Hi, folks! I’m Alonzo Spellman, former defensive lineman for the Chicago Bears and top secret government operative for King Narudi of Jurumba. (KING, THE HEADS YOU REQUESTED ARE IN MY BAG.) You might remember me from the time I got arrested for roasting my girlfriend on a spit, or the time I defecated in Dave Wannstedt’s wallet, or the time I was caught on a surveillance camera trying to have children with a flowerpot. WHERE ELSE WOULD FLOWER CHILDREN COME FROM?

You also might remember me from such successful products as Alonzo Spellman’s Clown Burgers, Alonzo Spellman’s Tit Wrench, and Alonzo Spellman’s Baby Razors. Now I’m BACK, with an even better product!

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Hi, folks! I’m Alonzo Spellman, former defensive lineman for the Chicago Bears and mentally unhinged citizen of the planet Xaphox. You might remember me from the time I ripped the phone off a wall in a doctor’s office, or the time I forced a plane to land after trying to dig the spiders out of a stewardess’s shoulder blade! You also might remember me from such successful products as Alonzo Spellman’s Pussy Hook, Alonzo Spellman’s Nail Muffin, and Alonzo Spellman’s Flying Knife.

But folks, I think I may have stumbled on perhaps my greatest innovation yet! We all know just how delicious clowns are. Well folks, now you can get the great taste of clown… IN A BURGER!

That’s right! Alonzo Spellman’s Clown Burgers!

Made with REAL clown meat! We start with all natural, 100% organic clowns!

Please, sir! Don’t kill me! All I wanted to do was bring joy to children in the neighborhood! No, please! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT APPLE CORER?! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Then we grind ‘em right up into juicy, one-pound patties!

You’ve never had a clown burger this thick! Then we freeze them up and ship them right to your door! They’re great for cookouts, picnics, even birthday parties! Kids love them! Don’t you, little Jenny?!

This big, scary man wearing a gray sweatshirt and no pants knocked on our door and made us eat another man he said wanted to live inside our tummies. My mom and I cried a lot. That big, scary man is very scary.

My oh my, Alonzo Spellman’s Clown Burgers sure will get your flower squirtin’! Best of all, they’re all natural. We don’t inject our clowns with any hormones, or feed them their own feces. They’re farm-raised, and farm-slaughtered. And they’re 100% clown! No mime meat!

No mute people meat!

And NO UPS worker meat!

I know people usually think of clowns as perpetrators and not victims. But I tell you, once you’ve tried MY clown burgers, you’ll never accept anything less! Mmmmm… THAT’S GOOD CLOWN!

So if you’ve got a big appetite and you’re ready to feast upon human tissue, please send EXACTLY $3,489,745,089,278,031,892.22 in Greek drachmas only to this address:

The Shed Behind Mrs. Buckley’s House, Where I Am Lying In Wait
Fairbanks, AL

Please send me this money in an unmarked envelope that has been heavily sprayed with Roundup. Sinister forces in the Ecudorian government are watching my every move, so I can’t afford to take chances. They’ve bugged my house, my car, my eyes, and the underside of my tongue. As much as I try to scratch, I CANNOT GET RID OF THE TERRIBLE STATIC.

So get your Alonzo Spellman’s Clown Burgers today! The taste is NO JOKE.